"I love you" by Billie Eilish
It's not true
Tell me I've been lied to
A cold hand gripped mine as a steady beep filled the quiet. The only other noise was muffled voices from outside. My body felt heavy and fog filled my head as I struggled to wake myself. I felt trapped inside my head. I could feel everything, but my eyes refused to cooperate. "Bella" muttered a hoarse voice. A voice I would recognize anywhere. Except this voice lost its bell like musical qualities. This voice sounded broken, and it only said my name. A quiet sob and a light kiss on my hand was all it took for my eyes to open
Crying isn't like you
Oh-oh-oh
Pitch black eyes met mine the instant they opened. The eyes I saw were nothing like the ones I remembered so fondly from my memories. These were full of pain and emptiness. The same kind of eyes that greeted me in mirrors for months. Now the object of my affection was sitting in a white room holding my hand like her life depended on it.
What the hell did I do?
Never been the type to
Let someone see right through
Oh-oh-oh
"Oh Bella, you're awake, I'm so glad you're awake." she sobbed launching herself onto the hospital bed and straddling my lap pulling me into the fiercest hug I'd ever received which I returned without hesitation, inhaling her vanilla scent. "I'm so, so sorry Bella, I didn't know what you were going to do until seconds before you jumped I… you said you loved me Bella. I saw you say it and then I never saw you leave the water. I thought you were dead. I love you so much Bella, I'm so sorry."
Maybe won't you take it back
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn't mean to say "I love you"
I love you and I don't want to
Oh-oh-oh
I froze when I heard her say those three little words. My imagination couldn't compare to hearing her say it to me out loud. My heart gave a painful tug. This isn't what I wanted. "Take it back." I said coldly, fear cocooning me like armor. She pulled away, confusion clouding her features and I dropped my arms. My voice was raw and trembled when I repeated myself, louder this time. "Take it back, Alice, don't tell me you love me. You can't love me. You don't mean it. I can't let you love me now. I'm in love with you dammit, you can't tell me you love me after all the pain." I held her gaze and I watched her eyes fill with tears she couldn't ever shed.
Up all night on another red eye
I wish we never learned to fly
I-I-I
Maybe we should just try
To tell ourselves a good lie
I didn't mean to make you cry
I-I-I
My resolve was crumbling as she climbed off my lap and taking deep breaths she didn't need. She was trembling, her tiny frame wracked with sobs. "Bella" she said pain etching its way on her features. "Bella, I've been in love with you since the moment your eyes met mine. You didn't choose me so I... I let you go." She said so softly I almost didn't hear her. She gripped the railing of the hospital bed so hard I feared it would break.
"I never saw a future with us together, it was always you and Edward, or us leaving. I just gave up hope, Bella! I wanted you more than anything else in this world. You… You never indicated you loved me too. I came so close to telling you the night of prom, but you were so in love with Edward and I couldn't hurt either of you like that. Or Jasper for that matter. I was content to love you as your best friend as long as you were happy. I'm in love with you Isabella Marie Swan. Watching you jump off that cliff was my worst nightmare. I was so prepared to get here only to find you dead. Instead I hear the reservation mutts talking about how you jumped and now were barely alive in the hospital."
Maybe won't you take it back
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn't mean to say "I love you"
I love you and I don't want to
Oh-oh-oh
Panic welled inside my chest when she said she was in love with me. She can't be in love with me. She left me. A war waged inside my head as I stared at the girl I'd fallen in love with. I felt my love for Alice in every bone, in every thought, with every beat of my heart. Time, space, and distance hadn't diminished the amount of love that still flowed through my veins. I was crying then. I wanted to hate her. I took in my broken leg then, needing to stare at anything but the sad pixie in front of me. I knew id forgive her. She held all of my heart in her small, cold hands. I wanted her still. If she still wanted me. When I looked back at her, I saw her eyes glazed over in a vision. Soon she relaxed and gave me a small smile, that didn't quite reach her eyes. I looked at her questioningly, and she just shook her head.
The smile that you gave me
Even when you felt like dying
We fall apart as it gets dark
I'm in your arms in central park
She approached me slowly, reaching her hand to cup my cheek. I closed my eyes, relishing the contact. I missed this more than words can express. In the next instant I felt cool, soft lips touch my own. A sigh left my lips as electricity buzzed everywhere she was touching me. I let every ounce of love I felt for Alice flow through me then, I wanted her to know she was loved. Even if I was angry, hurt, scared, and skeptical. In this moment everything was perfect. For this moment, Alice was mine, and I was hers. I didn't hear the door open. Apparently neither did Alice. We didn't break apart until we heard a whimper of pain.
My eyes flashed open and I saw a defeated Jasper standing in the door frame. Pain radiating off him in waves. "Jazz…" said Alice in surprise, scrambling away from me and towards him and he held up his hand. "I know Alice. I've known" he said, pain lacing his words. "I… just came to see how she was… and to tell you that everyone just got back home. They wanted to know…" I buried my face in my hands, guilt gripping me. In an instant I felt calm and a hand on my chin lifting it up. Jasper smiled at me despite his own pain. "Bella, darlin' I've always known she was yours. Don't feel that way." He gave me a brotherly kiss on the forehead and strode over to Alice doing the same. "I'm sure I'll see you both soon. Goodbye." he said shutting the door.
Alice hung her head sadly, staring at the door. Insecurity flooded me. In the next second, Alice was laying next to me, on my good side. Her arm slung across my ribcage, cooling the heated skin, calming the ache of broken bones. "I love you Bella. I kn ow it might be a while, but please, let me try and show you." She buried her head in my neck, inhaling deeply and planting a soft kiss on my pulse point.
There's nothing you could do or say
I can't escape the way, I love you
I don't want to, but I love you
The monitor beeped steadily, filling the silence once again. I closed my eyes, knowing this time, there was no going back to pretending to be best friends. "Alice Cullen, as much as I don't want to be, I'm in love with you. I've been waiting so long to say those words out loud. I love you more than I've ever loved anything else, and this is the scariest feeling I've ever experienced."
She kissed me deeply then and I tangled my fingers in her short, silky hair. When we broke away from each other breathless she said grinning, "We will have forever to figure it out love."