The Not-so-Secret Window
A/N: It's another chapter everybody! Even more Secret Window madness... introducing Man in Hat and Chico the talking dog. A shout-out to vanillafluffy, JohnnyDepp's1Fan and Molly, who were my first reviewers! You guys get free corn, courtesy of Mort.
PS: A loaf of cornbread for anyone who can spot the Scary Movie 3 reference!
Rated for swearing, one-sided "slashy" flirting, porno references, and... herpes
DISCLAIMER: Secret Window does not belong to me... Stephen King is God...
I own myself... I'm MY bitch, dammit!
Chapter the 2nd: Mort Meets "Man in Hat"
Six Months Later...
(Camera sweeps over a pretty blue lake to a pretty little cabin in pretty much the middle of nowhere... aka the woods...)
Nature freaks: drool
(Music plays ominously in the backround)
Audience:We deduce from the musical score that bad things will happen.
SmileVampy: No shit, Sherlock...
(Camera zooms in on a window)
Audience: Oh, oh! We get it! It's a "Secret Window"!
SmileVampy: Not so "secret" anymore now, is it?
(In Mort's office there is a poster of a scary clown, a dreamcatcher, a bottle of RedRum, and a tower built entirely out of black Legos)
Audience: He's just your run-of-the-mill forest hermit...
(Mort's computer is on. The screen reads: "All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy...et cetera, et cetera, you get the idea...")
Audience: (gulp) Yeppers, he sure is an average guy...
(Camera zooms into a mirror)
Audience: What the HELL!
SmileVampy: Now it's like an alternate reality, "through the looking glass", if you will.
Audience: Ummmm... What the HELL!
SmileVampy: Oh forget it... (mumble grumble)... imbeciles...
(Mort is sleeping peacefully on a couch)
SmileVampy: Not for long, buster... Mwahahahahaha... ha...
Fangirls: Awww! Ain't he a cutie?
(A knock at the door wakes Mort up)
Mort: Urghhh...
Doorknob: (rattle rattle)
Mort: (groggily) Coming... coming... (mumble)... early-bird bastard...
(Mort opens the door to find an ominous man in a wide-brimmed hat)
Mort: Ummm... hi?
Man-in-Hat: Fear my hat, my screwdriver, and my phony Southern accent.
Mort: ...pardon?
Man-in-Hat: Uhhh, I mean... you stole my story...bitch...
Mort: Do I know you?
Man-in-Hat: No... but I know you... (bats eyelashes)... Mr. Rainey.
Mort: (gasp) Are you stalking me? Are you a stalker?
Man-in-Hat: (shifty eyes) ...maybe...
Mort: Thank GOD! For a minute there I thought you were one of those (shudder) Fangirls...
Fangirls: Hey! Just for that, we are only going to watch this movie three more times... today.
Man-in-Hat: You stole my precioussss...
Mort: WHAT?
Audience: Ooh, we love random LotR references!
Man-in-Hat: ...story. You stole my story.
Mort: You've got the wrong dude. I don't read manuscripts... not since...
(cue "Mexican Hat Dance")
Man-in-Hat: I don't really care. You stole my story.
Audience: He sure is a stubborn bastard...
Mort: Are you accusing me of plagiarism?
Man-in-Hat: (shifty eyes) ...yes.
Mort: I can assure you that I did not steal your story.
Man-in-Hat: I don't need assurance because you stole my story.
Audience: You know, it was scary the first time, but this is just stupid...
(A cute little dog comes out and sniffs the Man's crotch)
Mort: Chico, inside.
Chico: I am cursed with the most idiotic name in the history of dogs...
Mort: Inside, dammit!
Chico: Sheesh! I was only going to piss on his leg... (Chico leaves)
Man-in-Hat: You stole my storeeee...
Mort: I belive you have already established that...
Man-in-Hat: So you admit that you stole my story?
Mort: NO!
Man-in-Hat: Yes you DID!
Mort: Oh no I DIDN'T!
Man-in-Hat: Did!
Mort: Did NOT!
(It goes on like this for a while...)
Man-in-Hat: (reveals many wrinkled sheets of paper.) This is my story. The one that you stole. From me.
Mort: You know, you could talk with my agent or something...
Man-in-Hat: We don't need outsiders Mr. Rainey. Let's just say it's "our little secret".
Audience: Bad mental image...
SmileVampy: Schizo Hint #1, folks!
Man-in-Hat: (hands manuscript to Mort) Here. We'll talk later... possibly over a candlelit dinner...
Mort: Ummm... no. And I am not taking those papers... I might get herpes.
Audience: Do we even want to ask about that?
SmileVampy: (shakes head) No, not really...
Man-in-Hat: Don't play games with me, Mr. Rainey... I know where you live.
Mort: I have a first name you know. It's Mort.
Man-in-Hat: Yeah, but it's more ominous if I call you Mr. Rainey, Mr. Rainey.
Mort: Oh. Okay. That makes perfect sense.
Man-in-Hat: (in best Yoda voice) Stole my story, you did.
Mort: Since you won't stop bothering me, I'm going to shut the door in your face and pretend you don't exist.
Man-in-Hat: Okay, and since you won't admit to your plagiarizing ways, I am going to loom ominously in your doorway for a bit, then I'll go away, leaving my manuscript on your porch for you to find.
Mort: (to Chico) Damn he's good.
Chico: (to no one in particular) This man talks to dogs... he is clearly insane...
(Watching Man-in-Hat leave in his car, Mort opens the door to find the manuscript... and a rock.)
Mort: (picks up manuscript) Well, shit. (reads title page) "Sowing Season" ...hmm... sounds like a porno story...
Audience: Did someone say porno? Yay!
SmileVampy: It's a murder/gardening story, you pervs.
Mort: "John Shooter"? Gee, that name doesn't sound at all ominous... (goes inside) Well I've never heard of you, so you must not be very important...
SmileVampy: Mort, you wish...
Mort: (throws manuscript into trash) And I've never heard of your stupid porno story... and believe me, I know my porno...
Fangirls: La la la... We are going to cover our ears and pretend we didn't hear that...
(Mort scrubs his hands at the sink)
Mort: You know... in case I get herpes.
Chico: (rolls eyes) Of course...
(Mort walks over to couch)
Fangirls: Ooooh, his bedhead is adorable!
Mort: Now where was I?
(Mort lays down on couch, falls asleep)
Chico: Lazy-ass human.
To Be Continued...
A/N: Wow... that was an amazingly long chapter! #3 will be much shorter. Tell me what parts you liked. Please review as Mort has lots of corn to share...
SmileVampy