An Act Of Omission 1/12
Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!
Rating: SUPERVISOR
Spoilers: None
Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.
Also Terri Miller makes a guest star appearance.
Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.
Chapter 1
She slowly got out of bed. To her relief he didn't stir, his breathing remaining relaxed and steady. She felt around for clothing, finding his boxers and shirt. They'd keep her warm enough.
She retreated to sit on her wide bedroom windowsill, the lights of Las Vegas comforting in their familiarity. She leaned her head back against the wood frame and drew her knees up to her chest.
'You're an idiot,' she silently berated herself.
She had been going to tell him earlier, but all her intentions had fled as soon as he'd touched her, replaced by the urgent need to have him within her. A need fulfilled, yet leaving her emptier than ever.
She turned to look at him. His face was hidden in shadow, but she didn't need to see it. His features were branded into her brain.
Those twinkling eyes that told her more than his words could ever hope to; the mouth ranging in expression from the infuriating smirk to the seductive smile-features that would soon be shaped by contempt and betrayal.
A wave of dizziness forced her eyes closed and her head forward to rest on her knees. An indeterminate period of time passed before she heard a concerned voice.
"Cath? What are you doing?"
She pulled her head up as he touched her shoulder. She couldn't prevent a snort at the image of him wearing her bathrobe. He smiled.
"Yeah, well, your blouse is too small. Just be glad I didn't try on your underwear."
He caressed her cheek, before sitting on the windowsill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees, before rubbing her legs.
"You're cold. Come back to bed and I'll warm you up." He separated her knees and kissed the inside of each, his lips arousing her nerve endings.
She stifled a whimper and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He captured her hands and brought them to his lips. She knew she had to regain control before they made love again. She pulled her arms back and crossed them over her chest.
"I need to tell you something."
"What have you been ruminating on in the wee small hours?"
Her stomach threatened to rebel and she breathed deeply to calm it. Best to get it over and done with quickly.
"I'm pregnant."
Wonder and joy hijacked his face, a huge grin and dancing eyes, followed by an excited,
"Really?"
He didn't give her time to reply as he jumped to his feet, pulling her with him. He wrapped his arms around her back, holding her close, before sliding down her body and kissing her stomach.
Her resolve nearly crumbled. She shut her eyes tight, willing her brain to take command. She opened them when she felt his hands on her cheeks.
His expression was concerned.
"Cath? We're going to be okay. I know you're worried about Ecklie and our jobs, but we can deal with it." The smile reappeared.
"We're having a baby."
She stepped back, breaking the skin contact.
"We're not having a baby." Her voice was remarkably steady.
"What?" His brain worked overtime and his mouth wasn't far behind.
"You don't mean--can we talk about this first? If you really don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, I'll respect your wishes..."
"No, that isn't it."
"Well, you've confused me totally."
She took a deep breath and forced herself to look him straight in the eyes.
"What I'm trying to tell you is that we're not having a baby. I am. You're not the father, Gil."
His face crumpled in shock.
"The baby's not mine? But..." The realization hit him and he backed away until his legs touched the bed and he slumped down on it. He stared at the floor for a few seconds before returning his gaze to hers.
"You're having an affair?" he whispered.
She was uncomfortable towering over him, but her feet wouldn't move. "Not exactly."
"Then what exactly? Stop playing word games, Cath." Anger and tears competed for supremacy within him.
"It was a one night thing."
"Who? When?"
She twisted her hands together.
"Mark something. I don't know his last name. Five weeks ago."
His anger won out.
"I was away for a week and you fucked some stranger?"
She physically recoiled from his words and collapsed on the windowsill.
"I'm sorry." She struggled to hold back her own tears.
"It's a bit late for that. If it wasn't for the--" He gestured to her stomach.
"Would you have told me?"
She bit down hard on her lip to stop a sob and wrapped her arms over her stomach.
"I have to get out of here." He sounded lost.
"Gil"
"No!" He put his hands up to stop her.
"Just shut up, Cath. I don't want to hear any more." He stood and started gathering his clothes, keeping his back to her.
"I need the rest of my clothes."
"Okay." She pulled off the boxers and shirt, replacing them with the robe he'd flung onto the bed.
"There," she whispered, as she threw them to him and turned around.
She watched his reflection in the window. He dressed within a minute and left without a glance at her. The door to her bedroom slammed behind him.
Her body began to shudder violently as she let the tears loose. Within minutes her stomach declared its intentions and she only just made it to the toilet. Exhaustion set in after the dry heaves. She only had enough energy to reach for a glass of water to rinse out her mouth, before curling up on the bathroom mat. Her hands automatically settled over her stomach as she cried herself to sleep.
------
She called in sick later, claiming stomach flu. Nick offered to send someone around to check on her, but she talked him out of it. The last thing she needed was to break down in front of a concerned friend.
The day was spent alternating between the bed and the bathroom floor. There was an occasional side trip to the kitchen, followed by a rapid return to the toilet. She gave up after the third attempt.
She lay on what had become his side of the bed. His scent teased her nose and his arms wrapped around her, his lips on her skin, his hand moving down to rest over the baby. He traced slow, teasing circles over her stomach, his mouth pressed against her throat, before his hand slipped down to her thighs. She parted her legs and he accepted the invitation.
Her eyes closed and her breath quickened in step with his touch. She pushed against him, wanting him in contact with every possible square inch of her skin.
"Gil," she whispered.
And he was gone, leaving her hanging over the precipice. She pulled her legs up and curled into a ball as the tears returned.
------
She leaned across to thump her clock, but the bells continued. Her conscious mind surfaced and ordered her hand to pick up the phone.
"Hello?" she muttered.
"Cath!"
"Please just leave me alone, Warrick." She squinted at the clock. It was either 8:47 or 9:47. Her clock had been knocked off the bedside table a few times too many and refused to show the bottom half of the hour number in protest.
"Catherine please let bring over some hot chicken soup?" His concerned tone almost got to her.
"I'm not up for eating." Her voice was slightly slurred, probably due to the fact she couldn't feel her tongue.
"You really don't sound well."
"You don't say." Okay, don't yell. It only makes your head explode. Quieter.
"I was wondering why I called in sick. Thanks for letting me know."
"Your sarcasm is still intact, so you can't be too sick."
She closed her eyes and rubbed her hand over her forehead.
"No, I'm not too sick. I've just thrown up a few hundred times since early this morning, flushed my stomach around 2pm, threw up a lung at 6:45 and lost my pancreas about an hour ago. At least I think it was my pancreas. Could have been a kidney."
"Ummm, Cath. That's really..."
She would have laughed if she'd had any energy left. "What do you want?"
There was a few seconds silence. She could picture him squirming.
"Nothing. I was just worried, so I thought I'd.."
"Mother me?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of cheering you up."
A little smile appeared. He could be terribly sweet at times. But she didn't want that at the moment.
"Is Sophia there?"
"Yeah."
"Please put her on."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
"Sophia!" She held the receiver away from her ear at his bellow. Mumbled explanations followed before she heard Sophia's voice.
"Cath"
"Hi, Sophia. Could you please make sure Warrick does not call me again today? Otherwise I'm going to have to take desperate measures."
Sophia laughed. "Of course. He'll have to ask before he's allowed to touch the phone." Warrick could be heard complaining.
"How are you?"
"I'd be a lot better if my stomach would stay above empty."
"You tried some dry crackers or toast?" Cath rubbed her stomach.
"Yeah. They're probably floating in the Atlantic by now."
"Just try a couple of bites every half hour or so. Don't try to eat too much at once. And make sure you drink plenty of liquids."
"Thank you, Doctor Curtis." Cath felt the first genuine smile of the day on her lips.
"Do you want me to come and see you?"
She almost said yes. "No, it's okay. Thanks, though. I don't want you to catch it. Probably just a twenty-four hour bug."
"I could do with a day off. Call me if you need anything."
"Thank you, Sophia. If I don't turn up or call in tomorrow, come by. You'll find what's left of my body on the bathroom floor. Could you put Warrick back on?" Cath waited until she heard Warrick's hesitant 'Hi'.
"War. I'll see you tomorrow." In a lower voice she made her apologies. "Thanks for checking up on me."
"Look after yourself, Cath."
She pulled herself out of bed and wandered over to the windowsill. Making herself comfortable, she leaned her head against the window, placed her hands on her stomach and began to formulate contingency plans.
------
"Cath!" She stopped at the lab door.
"Hey, War."
"You sound more like yourself." Warrick rose from his chair and left the piece of evidence lying on the table. She leaned against the doorframe, placing her bag on her hip while she watched him.
"As opposed to the bitch from yesterday?" She returned his smile. They could never stay mad at each other for long. He studied her face.
"I don't want you to bite my head off, but you don't look--" She reached out and placed her hand on his chest.
"I know. But I really am much better. You don't need to worry about me." She smiled to reassure him.
"Besides, the bad guys always goes easy on me when I look like I'm about to collapse. I'd better go before Ecklie sends out a search party."
Cath spent half the shift deflecting concern over her health and the other half catching up on what she'd missed. She was nibbling on her umpteenth cracker when she got a message from Al saying he was ready to go over the autopsy results. Her stomach protested and she breathed deeply to calm it.
"Hey are you..." Warrick had just entered and seen her green face.
"I'm okay, Warrick."
She knew she couldn't avoid the autopsy room for good; the best course of action was to confront it. Her stomach was doing its best to counter that argument, but her head took control once again. By the time she walked into the room she was surprisingly calm and her mask was in place.
It wasn't as bad as she had feared. She just kept breathing through her mouth as Al went through the results. She felt herself tense up when Gil entered the room. But he never said a word and kept his attention focused on Al. She caught his gaze briefly in the end and had to swallow a gasp. She prayed for a flash of anger, grief, hate would even do. Any emotion was preferable to the vacant stare.
At the end of the run down, she watched him nod at Al and then disappear back through the doors without looking at her.
"Catherine?" She turned to Al. "Yeah?"
"You okay? You're really pale."
"I'm fine." Catherine walked out into the corridor, Al trailing behind her.
"On second thought..." She shoved her case file into Al's hands and made it to the bathroom just in time.
The remainder of the week settled into a pattern. Get out of bed, throw up, drag herself into work and try to make it through the day without throwing up again. Much to her relief, the guys put it down to the remnants of the flu.
Autopsies still presented a challenge to her composure. Gil went around his usual rounds at assignment handouts and was back to being all business when he looked at her. She wasn't sure whether to envy him or be angry with him. Friday morning saw her muffle a sigh of relief when Gil had Warrick pass out the assignments. By the second evening his absence started to worry her. All sorts of scenarios worked through her brain and she sprinted to the bathroom after the assignment was over.
The locker room was occupied by her partner for the nights assignment when she returned. Nick was watching her intently.
"I'll be ready in a sec"
"I know." He sat on her couch, his concerned Papa Bear expression in place.
"Still sick?"
She slumped onto the bench.
"A bit."
"Why don't you take the weekend off, I'm sure Griss wouldn't mind? We can cover and we'll only call you in if the world's about to end." He reached over and touched her arm.
Cath bit her lip. She really needed to center and calm her mind and stomach. But the idea of being alone with herself for two days wasn't appealing.
"I can go get Grissom in on this?"
She shifted her gaze from her hands to his eyes
"Don't. Okay, I'll go home, thanks."
"If you're still sick on Monday, see a doctor, will ya?." He walked towards the door.
"Yes, Dad."
Turning back to her, he smirked. "Go home, Cath."
------
Home was the last place she wanted to be by lunch time on Saturday. The day had started as usual, hanging over the toilet. A cleaning frenzy followed, but she only disturbed memories of Gil. Dancing a very bad vertical tango through the living room and up the stairs to her bedroom, where it tilted into a very good horizontal tango; cooking breakfast together, toast burning as their attention was distracted; long, leisurely baths exploring, touching, feeling.
The breaking point was the discovery of one of Gil's shirts under a pile of clothes. Remnants of his cologne still clung to the material, stirring her emotions as she hugged it to her chest. She sat cross-legged on the floor at the end of her bed and rocked as the tears flowed.
She needed to get out, escape from the past. Pulling herself up, she placed the shirt in a bottom drawer and quickly dressed. Where to go? Somewhere with plenty of people to distract her, preferably strangers. the Strip was a logical destination.
The busy street with shopping possibilities and casinos side by side in the second week of April was busy and buzzing with tourists.
She wandered along the shops. It was a perfect spring day, the sun reflecting off the decorated windows causing her to squint, even with sunglasses. Lunch beckoned and she found a quiet spot sitting in a small park near the strip. She watched the action on the footpath as she ate, her vision subconsciously drawn to young children and their parents.
Picturing herself with a baby this late in her life was difficult and slightly amusing. She'd never given serious thought to having children, with Gil, she already had Lindsey, whom he adored and her career had been her focus and as for her relationship track record--there'd been some good sex, but no genes she'd think once, let alone twice, about reproducing with. Then she'd fallen for the one man she wasn't allowed to have. They knew their relationship would be frowned upon by company regulations so they kept it to themselves. Lindsey didn't even know how serious it had gotten these last couple of months.
The decision was made from the moment the doctor had confirmed her suspicions a week ago. She had no one but herself to blame, the self pity needed to stop. If she wanted to keep this quiet for a few more weeks she had to act as normally as possible. Jumping down people's throats when they had no inkling of her situation wasn't fair.
Her arms settled protectively over her stomach. All she had to do was follow Gil's example.
------
Her resolution lasted until mid-afternoon Monday.
"Cath?" She looked up to see Ecklie holding a sheet of paper. "Yeah?"
"Gil is asking for a relocation to San Francisco so you'll be our new acting supervisor."
"Gil what?" Ecklie nodded.
Reaching out to take the paper, Cath commented, "What's in San Francisco?" She quickly scanned the details. "When do they want him to start?"
"Monday. Apparently they really need the man power so it has to be as soon as possible."
Catherine barely registered anything beyond the mention of Gil. All of her concentration was fixed on keeping her eyes dry and her stomach calm. A touch on her shoulder and Ecklies's slightly concerned tone allowed reality back in.
"Do you know what position he will hold?" Cath kept her eyes locked on the sheet of paper and silently cursed her shaky voice.
Ecklie sounded surprised at the inquiry. "Supervisor in San Francisco. He had the final interview on Friday. You sure you're okay?"
Pasting on a smile, Cath looked up. "I'm fine. I guess I'll be in charge for a while then." She handed the form back to Ecklie, and watched him leave. The door closing was the cue for her body to shake and the tears to flow.
------
Autopilot was engaged for the rest of the week. Emotions were allowed freedom only in the sanctuary of her bedroom. Morning sickness extended its hold into the night; she was only keeping down one meal a day.
Yet, somehow she still functioned and no one asked her what was wrong. Definitely Oscar-worthy material.
Friday arrived and she had to mention him at the assignment handout. "And as you might have heard, Gil is leaving us for San Francisco." She kept her eyes trained on a point directly above his head.
"Gil we're sorry to see you go, since you've really done great things for this lab, landing us a spot as the top rated lab in the country."
She paused as the others stared at her and Gil with mouths hanging open. Then they congratulated him and began asking questions. Her gaze dropped and met his, the sadness she glimpsed leaving her shaken. It was only for a second though as he switched back to business mode.
Cath wasn't quite as adept and had to cough before she could speak again. Still looking directly at him, she finished, "You will be missed."
Gil gave a little nod in acknowledgement.
A deep breath and she was ready to escape. "Okay, that's it for now. Have fun out in the field."
The sanctuary of her new office beckoned, but a side trip to the bathroom was mandatory. By then her space had been invaded.
Dropping her case file onto her desk, she spoke without facing the intruder.
"Did I miss the memo listing my new office as party central on Fridays?"
"I thought your office was always party central."
"What do you want, Warrick?" She turned to find him holding out a thick bundle of paper.
"No! Absolutely not!" Cath quickly moved to put her desk between them.
"I am going home, not reading case files."
"It needs to be done by tomorrow." Warrick was trying out his pleading face, but she wasn't going to fall for it.
"Tomorrow's Saturday. Why does it have to be done by then?"
"Because it's already late."
She sighed, knowing she was going to end up reading it, but not quite willing to end the argument.
"When was it supposed to be done?"
"Last weekend." Warrick shuffled his feet.
"And you've had all week to give it to Grissom."
"I tried several times, but he was always busy." He deposited it in front of her.
"I'm sorry, Cath. But it has to be done. The top sheet lists what's needed."
She fought to hold back the tears, damn hormones.
"Okay, fine. Let me get to it."
"Do you want me to order you some dinner?"
Her stomach protested at the mere mention of the word. "No, thanks." She grabbed the first file and didn't look up as he left.
Several hours after the sun had set and everyone had gone home, she was still reading. Her back started to ache and tiredness seeped into every muscle. Cath stood and walked out into the office hallway and back. The couch beckoned, but she resisted. She only had an hour or so left on the case files; if she sat down on the couch she wouldn't get up again.
Turning to walk another circuit of the hallways, Cath collided with a body. She moved one hand immediately to protect her stomach, the other to brace herself against him. He dropped a small object as his hand settled over her stomach and his other arm around her body.
Concern clouded his eyes before he slammed down the shutter and effected a neutral expression. He removed his hands as if scalded and stepped back, leaving her to stifle a whimper at the loss of contact.
"I'm sorry."
She worked hard to steady herself.
"It's okay. I should have watched where I was going. I wasn't expecting anyone."
"Yeah. I just came by to give Lindsey something." Gil indicated the parcel he'd picked up off the floor. "
"Hope it's okay. I thought you would've gone by now." He walked over to her desk.
She was left standing by the door, upset at the knowledge he'd been going to leave without saying goodbye.
'What the hell did you expect? Flowers and one more screw for the road?' Closing the office door, she bit her lip then turned and moved towards him.
"I had a bunch of case files dumped on me at the last minute."
"It didn't break." Gil held up a butterfly ornament. "Do you mind?"
"No." She watched him closely as he wrapped the paper back around his farewell gift. The skillful hands which knew every inch of her and how to bring her to and over the edge; the strong shoulders she'd clung to; the curls at the nape of his neck. She resisted the urge to twine them around her fingers, but her mouth took on a life of its own.
"You don't have to leave."
He snorted.
"You've got to be joking!" The small package in his hands shifting from one hand to another. He put it on her desk before he turned back to her.
"You expect me to stay here and watch?" He waved his hand at her abdomen.
"Maybe it makes me a Neanderthal, but I can't be here. I just can't." he turned around.
Cath hugged her arms around her body. "I'm so sorry, Gil."
He turned away from he and took a couple of deep breaths before he replied,
"For what? Fucking him or being caught out? You could have at least used a condom, then I would've been none the wiser."
"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered, as the words struggled with the tears to escape.
"And yet you did." Gil turned around, his mouth tight trying to contain his own emotions.
"Just as well you told me last week. I was about to interview for a supervisor job in San Francisco."
She couldn't stifle a sob at that revelation. Her desk was the only thing keeping her from collapsing.
"Yeah. I was going to get rid of the conflict of interest completely. We'd have been able to be together without looking over our shoulders. We could start all over. Wouldn't I have felt like a fool? Or would you've passed the baby off as mine? Because you could have, I would never have guessed." He emitted a strangled laugh as a tear rolled down his face.
Cath pushed herself off the desk and reached out to brush his cheek. Gil flinched and sidestepped to avoid her touch.
"Don't. Just don't." His voice gained a hard edge.
"Did you love me at all, or was I just an easy and willing source of sex?"
The protest died on her lips as he cut her off.
"Actually don't answer that. Let me preserve at least part of the delusion."
His mouth twisted into a cruel smile.
"You are great in bed. I'm sure Mark Something got his money's worth, plus a little bonus."
Fighting the twin urges to throw up and collapse, Cath had no energy left over to speak or even sob. Tears glided silently over her cheeks as she clenched her hands.
The anger bled out of his face, leaving behind confusion and hurt. He looked around, lost for a moment, before finding the door. Pointing to it, he stammered,
"I--I need to go--leave. Good luck with everything." He paused and held his hand out in the direction of her stomach.
"I hope the--the baby does well."
Her voice fought its way out.
"Thanks. Good luck with the job and San Francisco." There was so much more to be said, but they were the only words she knew.
"Yeah."
Their gazes held for a few seconds, before the ragged edges of shattered trust and dreams tore them apart. She lowered her head, not willing to watch him walk out of her life. The click of the door closing sparked sensations of claustrophobia. Those damn case files could wait one more day; she needed to get out of there.
A call was made to the cab company; she was in no fit state to drive. Honestly, she didn't care if she made it home in one piece, but she wouldn't risk the tiny creature relying on her.
Complete exhaustion spread through her body as she closed her front door. She dragged herself into a hot shower, trying to scrub away the shame and disgust. All she achieved was tender skin and a sore throat and head from muffled sobbing.
Walking naked into her bedroom, she opened a drawer and pulled out his shirt. She winced as the material came into contact with the results of her rough treatment. His scent made her dizzy and her fingers fumbled with the buttons.
Cocooned within his arms, she collapsed into bed and released the flood gates.
---
So this is my newest fic, it is very angst, and extremely emotionally draining, but stay tuned, I promised you won't be disappointed! All my best! C