Billy knocked at his son's door. "Jake?"

From inside, Jacob tried to stifle his hysterical sobbing. "What… what is it?"

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Jacob replied.

Billy opened the door and rolled inside. He saw Jacob's blotchy, tear-soaked face. "What's wrong?"

Jacob sighed. "I just feel so weird. I get so… angry all the time."

"Oh, son," Billy rubbed Jacob's shoulder soothingly. "You're just becoming a werew—I mean, a man."

"I don't know, Dad. First I gain like, fifty pounds of lean muscle overnight."

"Well you're a growing boy, Jake."

"Yeah, but then everything starts SMELLING weird to me. Did I tell you this? I looked it up on the internet and unless I'm pregnant, something weird is happening. Not that me being pregnant wouldn't be weird—"

"Oh, SHOOT."

"What?" Jacob was startled by Billy's outburst.

"I just remembered, I promised to go over to Charlie's to watch the game. Bye!" Billy wheeled out of Jacob's room as fast as he could.

"God! Why is everyone acting so WEIRD today?" Jacob cried, exasperatedly slamming his face onto his pillow. White goose feathers shot out of the jagged bite mark Edward had left in the pillow just last week. Jacob watched them drift to the floor like broken dreams.

Alice's birthday extravaganza was nearly prepared. The second Edward and Bella had arrived at the Cullen house, Alice had whisked Bella away to her bedroom to dress her in the meticulously planned Bella Birthday Outfit.

And now here she was standing before him in a tasteful, yet lowcut, dark green dress. Alice had purposefully tried to dress Bella in a manner that Edward would find tantalizing; he could read this clearly in her mind. Alice seemed to think it was about time Edward get laid. Edward rolled his eyes. If only she knew the truth.

"…Well?"Alice asked. "How does she look?"

Edward closed his eyes and imagined Jacob's perfectly sculpted body, the way he would bite his lower lip, the way he could eyefuck the shit out of Edward until his clothes were in an untidy pile on the floor.

"Beautiful," Edward whispered.

"I'm going to give you two a little alone time." Alice couldn't stifle her sly smile as she slipped out of the room.

And then they were alone. Oh, God.

It wasn't that Bella was awful, Edward thought. On the contrary. Bella was a… handsome girl. Plus, she had the ass of a twelve year old boy—not that he was into that, necessarily. He wasn't a pedophile. (He briefly considered the fact that his boyfriend was 100+ years younger than him, but he quickly pushed that thought out of his mind.)

It was just easier to picture Bella as a boy, and being unable to read her thoughts helped a lot. Sometimes when he kissed her, he would grasp her long, chestnut hair and pretend the lips pressed against his were Jacob's. But somehow he was always yanked back to reality in a mildly shocking and deeply boner-killing way. Especially because these pitiful make out sessions always seemed to end in Edward pleading with Bella to stop taking off her clothes. Her boobs were small, but he was only mildly delusional. Sooner or later he had to face up to the fact that these things Bella was thrusting in his face were not pecs. Like, say, Jacob's pecs. Chiseled. Russet. Glistening with sweat.

Edward realized that his mouth was watering and tried to divert his attention to whatever Bella had been rambling on about for the past five minutes.

"I could protect you…if you changed me."

"No! I DON'T NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME," Edward screeched. "I mean, it's my job to protect you… from everyone except my sister.

"IT'S TIME!" Alice announced, jumping into the room excitedly. "It's time it's time it's time!" She grapsed Bella by the rist and hoisted her away.

Bella bit her lower lip, and turned her head back to Edward with a quizzical look. "Wish me luck," she muttered.

Edward shrugged his shoulders."Break a leg."