I'm in statistics class, I'm bored, hence the new chapter. Please know that this is written purely for humor's sake, and is not to be taking seriously at all.

Oh, also! Since Draco is now the hero, he has random powers too, like Parseltongue. Don't question the logic behind that, just go with it.

This is part of a series of "Problems that would have been solved a lot faster if Draco was the hero" moments. Enjoy!

Problem: Nagini / The 6th Horcrux

Draco sighed and sunk further into the enormous armchair. The Malfoy's large dining hall was deserted for the moment, and the lack of Voldemort and his sinister cronies was more than appreciated. This whole death eater thing was becoming a lot more troublesome than he had anticipated.

He kicked his shoes off and closed his eyes, intending to take advantage of the quiet and take a nap. However, just as he was about to drift off into blissful sleep, something large and heavy crawled over his foot.

NOTE! This here is a flashback! This means that it is a long scene that actually is taking up only a few seconds in real-story time! So Draco is just having a quick flashback memory of this! Okay! Ready! Action!

When Draco was very young, he owned a pet mouse. Her name was Biscuit, and he was quite fond of her. However, Lucius decided that a mouse was an utterly unbefitting pet for a Malfoy. One day, he brought home a snake as a surprise for Draco. And surprised he was when he woke up the next day to find no Biscuit and a very fat snake curled up inside her cage. Ever since, despite being in Slytherin, Draco has been terrified of snakes.

NOTE! This here is the end of a flashback! This means that the story will continue, since you now have the knowledge you need to understand the rest of the story! Okay! Ready! Action!

Draco froze for a second as a hiss echoed from under the table.

Suddenly, with a very un-manly scream, he leapt out of the chair, slashed his wand through the air and bellowed, "SECTUMSEMPRA!"

The hissing stopped abruptly.

Panting, Draco nudged the chair out of the way with his foot, and carefully looked under the table.

A great, horrible snake was lying on the Persian rug, both halves of it twitching post-mortem.

Draco stared at it. "…Oh crap."

. . .

I killed the Dark Lord's beloved pet snake. I'm dead. That's it for me. The best I can hope for is a quick, painless death. Oh god, that's never going to happen. They'll be mopping me off the walls.

Draco was hyperventilating. He managed to calm down a little, weighing his options.

Typically he would pin this on someone else, except that he was the only one in the house. An idea struck him, and he shoved his shoes back on and ran out the door.

. . .

Obviously this was the best course of action, he thought, as he walked out of the pet store in Knockturn Alley with a large hissing cage. Voldemort would never know the difference. What was one great dirty snake from another?

The snake let out a particularly loud hiss, and Draco cursed his idiocy. Of course, Voldemort could talk to snakes. He would know right away. Unless…

When he returned to the Malfoy manor, Draco set the cage on the table and looked the snake in its creepy little beady eyes. With difficulty, Draco's voice came out as a low hiss.

"Listen, snake. Your name is now Nagini. You are best friends with the Dark Lord, the most evil person who ever lived. You do his bidding without question. You have a weirdly close relationship with him, and accompany him everywhere. Everywhere."

The snake looked at him stupidly.

"Don't think I don't know you can hear me. Look, snake. Look at what happened to the last of your filthy kind that crossed me. The same thing will happen to you if you don't obey me."

The snake glanced at the halved serpent lying on the carpet. It nodded slightly.

Draco flipped the door of the cage open, and leapt back as the great snake slithered out.

. . .

"Nagini, good. I have not seen you in many days, I had begun to think something happened to you." Voldemort patted its scaly head.

Draco held his breath as the snake coiled around the Dark Lord's chair.

So far so good.

"What's that, Nagini?"

Draco glared at the snake with as much bloodlust as he could muster.

"Oh. Yes, the boy is quite annoying. Draco, get out of here."

Draco jumped out of his chair and practically ran out of the room.

. . .

Sitting in his room, Draco heaved a sigh of relief. It looked like he was off the hook on this one.

No harm done, anyway. The new Nagini was basically the same- how much could snakes' personalities differ? Nothing bad could come of this switch. It wasn't as if the old Nagini was part of Voldemort's soul or anything.