Narrator: Ahem! As fascinating as Speedy and Guido's conversation was about the essential relationship between dairy products and fake boobies, we now join them outside on the field with the rest of the class …
(Miss Ratina has asked everyone to stand in a straight line. She paces in front of them, hands behind her back ... )
Miss Ratina: As I said earlier, this may be a beginners course ladies but I will NOT tolerate slackers! I expect a hundred and ten percent from each and every one of you. I also expect that you abide by the following rules. One! Nobody leaves the complex without permission. Two! Curfew is at nine o'clock and no later. Three! You will only eat the food we serve you. You'll eat three square meals a day and no more. The food is plain at best, but nutritious …
Speedy: (mumbling quietly to himself) Three meals? That's barbaric!
Miss Ratina: Four! And this is the most important rule: under no circumstances are any guests to visit you whilst you are staying here. Especially any MEN!
(Speedy yelps nervously as Guido gulps. Miss Ratina stops walking and stares them both harshly in the eye.)
Miss Ratina: You have a problem with rule number four, Gianna? Daisy?
Guido: No Miss Ratina, absolutely not! We don't want to have anything to do with men.
(Speedy plays along.)
Speedy: Right! (Scrunching his face in disgust) Men – yeh! Vile, hairy beasts!
Guido: With bad smells!
Speedy: And scratchy chins!
Guido: And they've only got one thing on their mind!
Speedy: Yeah, skirts and buttermilk!
(Miss Ratina scrutinizes them both closely. Then she says, to the group at large … )
Miss Ratina: Gianna and Daisy understand men well!
(Speedy and Guido sigh in relief.)
Guido: Close call.
Speedy: I'll say! Like Miss Ratina should talk. Has she seen her gender lately?
(Guido chuckles.)
Miss Ratina: The first activity of the day will be: running!
(Everybody groans in dread.)
Miss Ratina: I want you all to run around this field fifty times! That's it ladies, I'm going to do it too. Come along now!
Speedy: (beginning to jog) This isn't a self-defence course we've signed up for, it's fat camp!
Guido: (jogging beside him) Well, you did say you wanted to lose a couple of extra pounds. Holy mackerel, look at Miss Ratina go!
(They look towards Miss Ratina, jogging effortlessly at the front of the group.)
Speedy: Hang on. Since when was the Big Cheese supposed to be fit?
Guido: (just as suspicious as Speedy) I know. Big Al once told me he passed out two minutes into his Jane Fonda workout video.
Speedy: I heard it was thirty seconds.
N: After the running came the squats, the lunges, the sit-ups, the push-up's … and so on. I feel thinner just talking about it! As you can imagine, by the time lunch rolled by everyone was eager to re-fill their empty tummies …
(The class moves off the field to a mess hall where they sit down at a long table, waiting impatiently for lunch to be served. Speedy was holding his chopsticks so tightly they were in danger of snapping.)
Speedy: I'm so hungry I could eat everyone in this room! And a giraffe!
Guido: I sure could go for one of Polly's meatball sandwiches right about now.
Speedy: Yeah! Or one of Francine's anchovy and ice-cream pizza specials …
Guido: Heads up, buddy! Here comes the food.
Speedy: (salivating) Where? Where?
(The waiter serves everyone the exact same thing: a bowl of miso and a tray of sushi.)
N: Not exactly that giraffe Speedy was hoping for …
Speedy: (very displeased) This is the starter, right?
Guido: (picking up his chopsticks) I think this is as good as it gets. Better make the most of it …
(Speedy finishes his lunch in a minute flat. He looks longingly over at Guido's tray … )
Speedy: Are you going to finish all your sushi?
Guido: Yes!
Speedy: Fine!
Miss Ratina: (standing up at the head of the table) After lunch ladies we will commune back out on the field and begin our first lesson in self-defence!
Speedy: (speaking in a low, sarcastic voice) Wow, some real live actual self-defence! And at a self-defence course and everything …
Guido: (whispering to Speedy confidentially) Don't forget, we can't 'over perform' whatever self-defence moves Miss Ratina shows us. We gotta play it down, pretend we're beginners like the rest of the girls and not professional samurais.
Speedy: (grumbling) Don't worry, I'm too hungry to 'over perform' right now.
(As they all move on outside, Speedy and Guido overhear some of the other girls talking.)
Faye: I can hardly move my legs!
May: I can hardly feel my legs!
Lucille: Hey Daisy! Hey Gigi! I can call you Gigi, can't I?
(Lucille had bounced over to Speedy and Guido, who were more then happy to talk to her.)
Guido: (putting on his girl voice) Sure! It's no problem, Lucille. How are you finding the course so far?
Lucille: (sounding glum) Oh, it's very hard. I had no idea it was going to be this tiresome! I'm not even sure if I'll survive the rest of the day let alone the next hour.
Speedy: Don't despair, Lucille. I'll look out for you!
Lucille: You will? Oh thank you, Daisy! You're very kind.
Guido: I'll look out for you too, Lucille!
Speedy: (pushing Guido back) Tough nuts Gigi, I called it!
Lucille: (giggling, she encircles her arm with Speedy's) You two are so protective! You're like big sisters.
(As Speedy and Lucille walk on ahead arm-in-arm, Speedy looks over his shoulder at Guido and smirks. Guido scowls in return.)
Miss Ratina: (calling out) GATHER ROUND! We're going to be practicing some simple side kicks first, as a warm-up. Ten kicks on each leg …
(Miss Ratina was standing in the middle of the field, surrounded by punching bags.)
Miss Ratina: Everyone take a bag and split into pairs.
(Speedy was still interlinked with Lucille, so Guido got Speedy by the tail and yanked him away.)
Speedy: HEY! Me and Lucille were going to be partners.
Guido: (chucking a bag at Speedy) Over my dead body, 'Daisy'!
Speedy: Thanks for the tip, 'Gianna'!
(Speedy holds up the bag for Guido, who starts kicking.)
Speedy: You're just jealous 'cause Lucille likes me more then you – even when I'm a chick!
Guido: (kicking harder … ) Shut up, Speedy! Get back into character.
Speedy: She's always liked me more and you know it!
Guido: (kicking harder … ) I mean it, shut up!
Speedy: Lucille likes me, na na na na! My boobs are bigger then yours – YAAAAAAAAH!
N: Oops. Guido lost his temper and dragon kicked Speedy into the next hemisphere. Normally this wouldn't bother him, but Guido remembered he was supposed to be pretending to be 'Pollyanna' and not Polly Esther.
Guido: Crap …
Miss Ratina: Gianna!
(Miss Ratina runs over to Guido, looking as though she was in shock but highly impressed. The girls look on Guido in awe.)
Miss Ratina: Gianna sweetheart, where did you learn to kick like that?
Guido: (thinking fast) I ah … I copied it from that 'Charlie's Angels' movie! Yeah! I've seen it like ten times, Lucy Liu's seriously hot – (correcting himself) – I mean Bill Murray! Billy Murray's hot.
Lucille: (dashing over to Guido) Gigi, that was extraordinary!
(All the girls crowd around him.)
Bobbi: Gigi, could you show me how to do that some time?
Honey: Yeah, me too!
Prudence: Me three!
N: Speedy's back! So what's the southern hemisphere like this time of year?
Speedy: PISSED OFF!
Guido: (surrounded by Lucille and all the girls, he smirks over at Speedy) Welcome back, Daisy. Did you have a nice flight?
Speedy: (enraged) Grrrr! Next time, YOU hold the bag!
Miss Ratina: Okay ladies, back to work! Back into pairs, please … what the?
Lucille: Oh no!
N: Not to sound crude (and I don't mind if I do!), but something just dropped out from beneath Lucille's kimono. It's a –
Miss Ratina: Candy bar! Lucille, I warned you …
Lucille: (tearful) Please, Miss Ratina!
Speedy: (whispering to Guido) No way! Lucille's been hiding a candy bar under her kimono all this time? She must have some incredible thigh muscles!
Guido: Makes me like her even more.
Speedy: I better go do something! Before the hatch on her head flips open ...
(Speedy moves quickly, going up to Miss Ratina and tapping her on the shoulder.)
Speedy: Excuse me, could I have my candy bar please?
Miss Ratina: (swiftly turning around) Your candy bar?
Speedy: Yes, I need a little pick-me-up every now and then! Low blood sugar, you know.
Miss Ratina: Low blood sugar? I don't remember your profile specifying anything about low blood sugar! And if this is your candy bar how did it wind up over here under Lucille, you were standing over there!
Speedy: I threw it!
Miss Ratina: (incredulous) You threw it. Why would you do that?
Speedy: I have a nervous twitch! Sometimes I just throw things without thinking.
(Guido shakes his head in dismay.)
Miss Ratina: Nervous twitch? I don't remember that on your profile, either. If you have any other medical conditions Daisy that I don't know about, please let me know. In the mean time, I'm confiscating this!
(She picks up the candy bar.)
Miss Ratina: Consider it strike one. Three strikes, and you're out!
(Defeated, Speedy walks over to Guido with his head hanging.)
Guido: You throw things without thinking? Where do you come up with this stuff!
N: It wasn't long before the afternoon set in, and the first day of class was over. Speedy and Guido, along with the others, retreated back to their cabins after a light dinner, where they didn't do a whole lot except groan in pain and lie around …
Guido: (lying on his bed) Eh, my aching everything! Takes me back to my training days … (removing his wig) … except I distinctly remember wearing less make-up. Hey, what's that you're holding?
(Speedy had reached down into his suitcase on the floor beside his bed, for a large bag of assorted candies.)
Speedy: (showing Guido the bag with a devilish smile) Dessert! Lucille's not the only one who can smuggle food.
Guido: Three strikes and you're out Speedy, remember? Big Al's not gonna be too impressed if you get yourself kicked out of this course.
Speedy: Who are you, Miss Ratina? She's feeding us nothing, Guido! Three servings of nothing per day! What am I supposed to do? Besides, technically the rules don't apply to me 'cause the rules are for the girls and I'm NOT a girl!
Guido: What about those extra pounds you were trying to lose?
Speedy: Quit hassling me Mr 'look at me, I have abs'! And anyway, a girl looks better with a bit of flesh on her bones ...
Guido: You're not a girl.
Speedy: (thoroughly annoyed) Would you go have your shower already!
(Guido enters the bathroom and locks the door. Just as the sound of running water can be heard, and just as Speedy was about to eat a mouthful of candy, there's a knock at the door. Followed by a muffled voice … )
Lucille: Daisy? Gianna?
Speedy: Lucille!
(Speedy hops off the bed in a dash and opens the door.)
Speedy: (whispering) Lucille, what are you doing here?
Lucille: Can I come in?
Speedy: Well, sure but –
(Lucille pushes past him inside. Speedy closes the door.)
Lucille: I just had to thank you, Daisy! For saving me today. You're a real pal!
N: But Speedy was temporarily entranced. For you see, Lucille was standing before him wearing nothing but a teeny pair of lacy pyjama shorts and matching top. He hadn't seen her this undressed since … well, that dream he had three nights ago!
Lucille: Daisy?
Speedy: (slurring) Meh heeeeh!
Lucille: Daisy? Are you okay?
Speedy: (slapping his own cheek, coming back to earth) Sure, I'm good! I'm good … I'm a girl.
Lucille: Huh?
Speedy: I mean, gee wiz girl! That sure is a nice nightie you're wearing! Really small and … small. Did I mention small?
Lucille: Oh Daisy, if it wasn't for you Miss Ratina would've kicked me out of the class. I'd be out in the middle of no where, sitting on my derriere!
Speedy: Oh, it's nothing Lucille! Don't mention it. I mean, when I think about you and your poor, lost … derriere … (clearing his throat abruptly)
Lucille: (who'd glanced towards Speedy's bed, at the bag of candy) Huh! Daisy, you're eating candy!
Speedy: Oh, yeah! I know we're not supposed to but I've always had an insatiable sweet tooth.
Lucille: Me too! As you obviously know. Do you mind if I have some? Ever since Miss Ratina took my candy bar I've been dying for something sweet.
Speedy: (looking her up and down again) I know what you mean …
(Excited, Lucille bounds over to Speedy's bed and helps herself to some candy.)
Lucille: (she motions for him to join her, the bag of candy in her hand) Daisy, come over here! Let's get under the covers together.
Speedy: (gasping) What! The covers? Together? Why?
Lucille: C'mon!
Speedy: (who didn't need any further convincing) All right.
(Speedy leaps over to the bed, giddy, and gets under the covers with Lucille and the candy.)
Lucille: See, Daisy? Isn't this fun!
Speedy: (giggling shrilly) He he, yes! SO much fun! I shouldn't be doing this –
(Speedy, having second thoughts, makes to leave. Lucille grabs his arm and pulls him back in.)
Lucille: No, stay! It's exactly like when I was a little girl, and I used to have slumber parties with all my girlfriends. We used to get in bed with eachother, all snugly-like! Eating junk food and tickling eachother under the blankets with our feet. Like this …
(Lucille tickles Speedy's leg. Speedy giggles so hard he cries.)
Speedy: He he, ha ha! Lucille, stop! Stop!
Lucille: Didn't you have slumber parties with lots of girls when you were younger?
Speedy: No, but it was always my boyhood dream – girlhood dream!
Lucille: Oh, that's awful! Why didn't you have any?
Speedy: (feigning depression) Well, I think it was 'cause of the lazy eye and gimpy leg I used to have has a child … I was so lonely.
Lucille: How horrible for you!
N: Laying it on a little thick, isn't he?
Lucille: (feeling sorry for him) You know what, Daisy? I'm going invite some of the other girls in here, so you know what a proper slumber party feels like! Hang on …
Speedy: No, wait! Lucille come back!
N: But Lucille – fortunately and unfortunately for Speedy – could not be stopped! The news that Gianna and Daisy had a stash of candy spread like wildfire across the complex. Seeing that nobody was particularly keen to continue Miss Ratina's diet, a group of eight girls soon ambushed Speedy's room.
Speedy: (waving his arms in a wild panic) Girls, no! Stop! You can't come in here! Girls!
Faye: (holding up a bottle) I've got champagne!
(All the girls whoop in delight.)
May: PARTY TIME!
Clover: Ssh! You don't want Miss Ratina to hear us, do ya?
Honey: Relax! Don't be such a killjoy.
Prudence: Everybody onto Daisy's bed!
Speedy: (begging) No, not onto Daisy's bed! BAD CALL!
(More whoops of delight, as everybody dives for Speedy's bed.)
Speedy: (drowning in a sea of women's legs) Wa ha!
Saskia: Hey … (draping herself over Speedy's lap, to peer inside his suitcase on the other side) … you guys, they brought potato chips as well!
N: Oh look! Guido's out of the shower. Right on time, too!
(Guido opens the door to the bathroom, wearing a long purple nightdress and his wig. He can hardly believe the sight that meets his eyes … )
All the girls: (with smiling faces) Hey, Gigi!
Speedy: (waving his hand feebly, with Saskia still draped across his lap) Yeah, hey Gigi. Have a nice shower?
Guido: (trying to keep his voice level and composed) Ah, Daisy? What have you been up to?
Lucille: (answering excitedly) We're having a slumber party! Daisy said she's never had one before because her leg used to be gimpy. Isn't that sad?
(Guido glares towards Speedy, who sinks beneath the covers a little.)
Guido: Yes. VERY sad …
Bobbi: Won't you join us?
Tinka: Always room for one more!
Guido: I'd love to girls, but I really don't think – WO!
(Tinka takes Guido's hand and drags him onto the bed with Speedy, Lucille and the others. Guido comes to lie down next to Speedy, and whispers harshly in his ear – )
Guido: Did you have to tell them you've never had a slumber party before?
Speedy: (whispering back) I was deprived of a girlish childhood!
Guido: Take a wild guess why!
Speedy: It wasn't my fault, I didn't invite them!
Honey: I've got paper cups for the champagne!
May: So what are you waiting for, Honey? Spread it round!
(Faye cracks the bottle open, as Honey distributes the champagne to everyone.)
Speedy, Guido: (ogling all the girls around them, while muttering pathetically to themselves) We're girls, we're girls, we're girls!
Saskia: Say, are you two all right? You look like you're coming down with something.
Bobbi: Yeah, and why are you sinking into the mattress like that?
Faye: Not scared of a little champagne, are ya? Ha ha!
Speedy: (slightly breathless) No no, we're fine!
Guido: Yes! Just fine, fine as can be … (taking a paper cup of champagne from Honey) … but should we really be drinking at this hour?
Tinka: It's a party, Gigi! Loosen up.
Guido: (speaking more to himself then anyone else) I'm in a bed with nine girls who wanna to party. Why am I complaining?
(Giving in, Guido dunks the champagne down and asks for another. Speedy, thinking along the same lines as Guido, dunks his cup as well.)
N: Those tomcats better keep their wigs on and their tails down, or these girls are in for a rude awakening!
Faye: (finishing a joke) So then Adam says: 'what can I get for just a rib?'
(Everyone laughs hysterically – especially Speedy, who's a tad tipsy at this point.)
Speedy: (laughing) Ah ha ha ha ha ha! I don't get it.
Honey: Say, have any of you guys ever met the Samurai Pizza Cats before?
(Guido near chokes on his champagne. Speedy falls off the bed.)
Honey: (raising an eyebrow) Did I say something … sensitive?
May: Lucille knows them!
Lucille: (feeling self-conscious) Oh! Why yes, I suppose I do.
Guido: How interesting. And ah … (sounding sly) … what are they like, Lucille?
Speedy: (climbing back on the bed – and cutting to the chase) Yeah, and who do you like better: Speedy or Guido?
N: Yes folks, it was the million dollar question that has plagued Speedy and Guido ever since this series first went to air: WHO does Lucille like more? It's the question that could destroy a friendship! Provoke madness into one of the rivals! Send Menelaus across the sea to wage war on Troy! Yeah well, you get the idea …
Lucille: (thinking) Well, I guess …
Guido: (butting in) Pick Guido Lucille, he's the handsome one!
Speedy: No, pick Speedy! He's cute and cuddly!
Guido: Guido has abs!
Speedy: Speedy has big boo – I mean, biceps!
Lucille: Actually … (she sticks her tongue out and giggles) … I've always had a thing for Spritz!
N: There goes the neighbourhood.
Speedy, Guido: (caught completely off guard) SPRITZ!
Lucille: (blushing profusely) Please don't tell anyone, I'd be so embarrassed!
Speedy: (whispering in Guido's ear) When we get home, Spritz dies!
Guido: (whispering back) Agreed.
Saskia: (holding Speedy's bag of potato chips) What flavour are these?
Prudence: Pass one here, let me try!
Saskia: Okay – woopsie!
Speedy: Agh!
Saskia: I dropped it, it fell down the back of Daisy's kimono. Sorry Daisy, I'll fish it out …
Speedy: No that's all right I can get it – AH!
(Saskia sticks her arm down Speedy's back, giving him the shivers – and making him laugh.)
Speedy: He he, ha ha! Saskia stop, that area's sensitive!
Clover: Daisy's ticklish!
Faye: Get her!
Speedy: AAAAHHHH!
(All the girls pin Speedy down, giggling and tickling him to death. Speedy laughs and wails in pain.)
Speedy: (wriggling to get free) GIANNA HELP! He he he! GIANNAAAA!
Miss Ratina: WHAT is going on here?
Speedy, Guido and the girls: (tumbling off Speedy's bed like a stack of dominos) Aaahhh!
Miss Ratina: (very cross) Curfew started ten minutes ago. Everybody to their own cabins this INSTANT!
(Everyone but Speedy and Guido runs out, stifling giggles. As the room empties, Miss Ratina surveys the mess: there are paper cups every where, a bag of strewn potato chips, and wrinkled up candy wrappers all over the floor. Faye had taken the champagne bottle with her. Speedy and Guido huddle together on Speedy's bed, doing their best to look innocent. Miss Ratina gives them a stern glare, and simply says … )
Miss Ratina: We will deal with this in the morning.
(And with that, she leaves. Speedy and Guido breathe a collective sigh of relief, collapsing on the bed.)
Speedy: (looking up at the ceiling) Phew! That wasn't so bad.
Guido: (also looking up at the ceiling) Yeah, but we are SO busted tomorrow.
Speedy: (smiling dreamily, and sighing again) That was the best slumber party I ever had! Except for the part where I was attacked. Why didn't you help me?
Guido: I preferred to watch. It was comical!
Speedy: (sarcastic) Gee, thanks. You do realise I was suffocating?
Guido: There are worse ways to die then at the hands of a bunch of babes. All I can say is thank the lord these ladies panties are chafing me, or …
Speedy: … a rude awakening?
(They laugh. Speedy changes the subject … )
Speedy: Just tell me this, Guido: what evil plot would the Big Cheese be brewing in this situation? Except depriving us all of candy and making us go to bed on time. In that respect he's being about as evil as my mother.
Guido: I don't know. I'm still not convinced Miss Ratina is the Big Cheese …
Speedy: But it's gotta be the Big Cheese! She looks and sounds exactly like him. Plus he's used the 'Ratina' alias before to open that charm school. These are different but similar circumstances.
Guido: I know, but it still doesn't gel. We should call Polly tomorrow and get more information on what the Big Cheese was like at that school.
Speedy: Yeah. If we haven't been kicked out, that is.
To be continued …