Missing Piece Chapter 2: in the light, a gundam seed fanfic

"What should we have truly fought against? And how should we have fought it?"

"She's crying now because she doesn't want something like this to happen. Why can't you see that?! And yet, you just say these battles, these casualties, this can't be helped, say everything's Orb and Cagalli's fault, and shoot what she's trying to protect right now?!"

"You must be thinking, 'Why did things come to this? Why doesn't the world go the way I wish it to go?' and really frustrated."

"What's wrong with playing roles?! If I...if I play properly, then it's all right I live like that, isn't it?!"

"Whatever it is about, it is you who make the choice."

"What Orb wishes for more than anything is peace. However, it's only with the condition that we have freedom and independence. We can't choose surrender or subordination."

Many people's voices, including his own, were echoing in his head as he wandered through the island next day.

The weather was better today. The wind was gently caressing his cheeks. The sky was blue, with white puffy clouds here and there. Only it felt so bleak to him. His world was dark and cold like the sun was gone.

And yet, things were clearer to him. Now, as if his eyes had finally been opened, he could see many things he had not been able to before. What he had been missing. What was missing from Cagalli's eyes.

The thought brought to his mind the exchanges between her and the man—her boyfriend—he had witnessed since yesterday.

The way she touched him: familiarly and lovingly. The way he touched her: with such care and ease. The way she snuggled against him as if it was the safest place in the universe. The way he made her smile and laugh: with genuine joy and without a care in the world. The way he filled her face with so much warmth and brightness as if he was stoking up the fire within her. The way she reached out her hand in his direction without looking as if she had no doubt he would be there to receive her touch—and he would, holding or touching or stroking the hand almost unconsciously as if it was nothing special.

And most of all, her eyes when she looked at him. They were so full of trust that it hurt Athrun to see them.

What he wanted to have, but couldn't. What he wanted to give her, but couldn't.

A wave of loneliness, stronger than he had ever felt before, washed over him. He felt alone, and lost.

He knew she still loved him. He would never doubt it. He had never doubted her love for him, and he had realized that was why he had been able to decide to break up with her. Because he had known that he would never completely lose her. That if anything happened, she would still be there to help him. Like she had just comforted him about his breakup with Meyrin.

And she would always be there for him, loving him, he was sure.

What he had not realized before was that it didn't mean she wouldn't love someone else. It didn't mean she wouldn't choose someone else.

Yet, he had never really thought about the possibility. The possibility of her becoming completely out of his reach. Until it actually happened. Until seeing her with someone else.

He had been so stupid. He had not thought about so many things. Like her feelings, for instance.

He had believed that he had done many things for her sake. He had tried to protect her. He had tried to protect the Earth from the Genesis and the remains of Junius Seven partly because the planet was her home. He had rejoined ZAFT during the Second Bloody Valentine War partly because he thought that he could help Cagalli and Orb more by gaining more power and fighting for peace. He had tried to protect Orb in both wars partly because it was the country she loved.

However, he had never considered whether or not what he was doing, what he thought was good for her, was actually what she wanted or needed. Whether it was what she wanted him to do. Whether it would make her happy.

He had thought about doing something for her, but not really about her: her feelings, her wants, her needs. He had done things for her only because he wanted to do them. What he had been thinking about was always himself: his feelings, his wants, his needs. What he wanted to do for her. His wants to help and protect her and to do the right thing. His needs to feel useful and needed.

He had not thought about whether what he was doing was actually helping her as much as about whether it made him feel he was doing something for her. He had been frustrated at being her bodyguard because he couldn't feel he was being useful rather than because he couldn't help her. He had always focused on what made him feel good rather than what made her happy.

He had just wanted to give her what he wanted to give, not what she wanted or needed.

Even when he gave her the comfort and support she wanted and needed, he had not been doing it for her sake. Not entirely, at least. Because he had done it to control her, done it so that she would give him what he wanted, be what he wanted her to be, in return.

Like Dullindal had given him what he wanted—recognition, power, authority, praise—to control him, given them to him so that he would work for Dullindal and help the man's plan, be a loyal puppet Dullindal wanted him to be.

Then, he had stopped trying to protect her when she had made it clear that she wouldn't be what he wanted her to be. Like Dullindal had stopped treating, or pretending to treat, him as an equal ally and attempted to eliminate him when he had made it clear that he wouldn't obey Dullindal.

He had been no better than Dullindal. As the man had tried to make him his puppet, he had tried to make her his puppet.

A puppet wouldn't say what you didn't want to hear. A puppet would always do what you wanted them to. A puppet would never leave you, never make you fear abandonment. A puppet would have a life—or a semblance of life—only when you were around.

That was what he had wanted, what he had tried to acquire, from her. So that his wants and needs would be fulfilled.

It might not be exactly a bad thing to try to satisfy his own needs. His mistake, however, was that he had deluded himself he was doing things for other people's sake, unable to admit his reason was selfish at least partly; and that he had expected other people—her—to repay him for what he had done for mostly himself. Ignoring his own selfishness, or at least self-centeredness, he had become even more selfish.

And that was why he had almost always ended up making her worried, upset, or sad, sometimes even hurting her. You couldn't truly protect someone unless you considered their feelings, what they wanted, what was important to them. It was no wonder that he had not really been able to protect her, or help her.

He had not been able to accomplish what he was trying to do, what he wanted to do. Not as much as he wanted to. Not in the way he wanted to.

He had not been able to when he was working as her bodyguard, being by her side but without much power. He had not been able to when he was back in ZAFT, having more power but being far away from her and fighting against what she cared about. It had seemed that he had never been able to give her what he wanted to give.

And he had not liked it. He had not been able to admit he didn't have what it took to truly protect her, at least not yet. He had not been able to accept he wasn't able to give her true help and protection unless he grew up.

It was painful to admit that you couldn't protect whom you wanted to, couldn't accomplish what you wanted to do, couldn't acquire what you wanted. That there was something you needed to obtain, something you were lacking. It was tough to acknowledge you weren't the person who could fulfil your wish, the person you wanted to believe yourself to be.

To just give up and run was so much easier than to accept the painful truth—the reality—and patiently work for your dream, than to fight yourself to become a person you wished to be.

And it was what he had done. He had run away from what he wanted. He had run away from her. He had run away from himself.

He had looked away instead of accepting how he really was, accepting himself as he was. He had chosen to abandon trying to protect her so that he wouldn't have to face what he was lacking, what he couldn't do.

And as much as he had not been able to accept who he was, or because of that, he had not been able to accept who she was.

Part of why he had tried to make her abandon Orb was it would become easier for him to protect her then. He had not had enough power to protect Chief Representative Athha or Cagalli Yula Athha; protecting her included protecting Orb, which was too much for a bodyguard and impossible for a ZAFT soldier and took him a lot of patience and effort even as an Orb soldier. But he had been able to protect just Cagalli. Or at least he had thought he could, though it might not be true.

And it didn't matter anyway, he now understood. It didn't matter because he could never cut half of her off and take what was left. She was both an Athha and just Cagalli. Both parts were an essential part of the woman he loved. If he wanted her, he should have accepted her as a whole. If he wanted to protect her, he should have tried to protect every part of her.

The defiant stranger he had been stranded on the island with. The compassionate person who had saved his heart. The vulnerable girl who had been suffering from the loss of her father. The selfless friend who had tried to comfort him even if it reminded her of her own pain. The tough fighter who had been willing to protect him rather than be protected by him. The devoted leader who had tried to protect her country even at the cost of her happiness, even at the cost of their relationship.

They were all a part of her. He couldn't just pick up some parts he liked and deny the rest, mold her into what he wanted her to be.

Yet, all the time he had tried to protect her—the time he had believed he was trying to protect her, what he actually had been doing was trying to separate her into just Cagalli and Cagalli Yula Athha, the part he wanted and the part he didn't, and protect the former while trying to discard the latter.

And it was what had cost him her trust, what had resulted in the end of their relationship.

Their breakup had not been about Orb as he had believed. It had been about her, and him. Always. About what kind of persons they were.

He had always thought he wanted her to choose him over Orb. But it wasn't the choice he had actually made her face. The choice had been between him and herself. He had tried to make her choose being with him over being who she was.

She had really had no other option but to choose to break up with him as long as she was herself, as long as she was the Cagalli he knew, the Cagalli he loved.

What he had felt yesterday during the conversation with her was right. She had not exactly changed since the day he had met her. She had always been trying to fight, to help and protect those she cared about. Whether it was Orb or him or other people. Whether he liked it or not. Whether he approved it or not.

She had just been living her life, being herself. Whether she was doing things he liked or things he didn't like, whether her actions were matching his wishes or contradicting them.

Just because she did what pleased him one day and what angered him the next, it didn't mean she had changed. Just because the object of her care and attention changed, it didn't mean she had become a different person. She was just showing a different side of her.

Just because she couldn't fulfill his wish, it didn't mean her love wasn't enough. There were things you couldn't bring yourself to do, which varied from one person to another. Because people were different. Because they were people, not puppets or some kind of mass-produced objects.

And just because she wasn't what he wanted her to be, it didn't mean they couldn't be happy together. They could have been if he had been able to accept her entirely. If he had been able to accept Orb.

Accepting Orb as a part of her had been the only way he could have had a happy life with her, he finally understood.

Being happy didn't mean that you got every one of your wishes fulfilled. Now he could see that he couldn't have become happy even if she had fulfilled his wish and abandoned Orb for him. He probably would have been as unhappy as he was now, or possibly unhappier even. Because then she would have become unhappy, having abandoned who she was. He couldn't have become happy by ruining the happiness of the person he loved, by destroying her. He would have lost her in one way or another as long as he tried to make that wish of his come true.

And probably they couldn't have had a happy life if she had asked him to stay with her, either. Having a life with Cagalli Yula Athha was far from easy. He probably wouldn't have been able to fight through the tough battle if he kept thinking he was doing it just because she had asked him to, just for her sake, rather than for his own sake, for his own happiness, for the life he himself wanted. Without his own will and wish to keep fighting.

He couldn't have become the partner of Cagalli Yula Athha without clear understanding of what it meant, strong willingness to make the hard effort, and firm determination to fight through the battle, none of which he had had.

Even when he was helping her fight for Orb, he had never been her partner who shared her burden and fought together with her. Not just because he had not had enough power and position. He had been so primarily because it was what he was trying to be.

Only a lover who offered some support which he meant was temporary and conditional.

He had never tried to become more, at least not in the way that allowed her to be who she was. Therefore, he had never been able to become more.

And she had seen through him, seen that he wasn't willing, and perhaps not capable, to share her life. That he wasn't a person with whom she could be fully herself.

Then she had accepted that it was the kind of person he was, accepted him as he was instead of trying to change him.

He had turned his back to the battlefield where she was fighting instead of going out there to fight along with her, help her and protect her. And she had let him go instead of dragging him to where he didn't wish to be. To where she wished to reach.

She wasn't the kind of person who would drag someone to the battlefield when they weren't willing to fight. Nor the kind of person who tried to make someone abandon their own wishes and fulfill her wishes instead.

He had wished and chosen to not change, to not fight, and she had respected it. As always. She had protected his freedom to choose his own way, own future, believing he was capable of figuring out his happiness and finding the way.

He couldn't blame her for believing in him, for respecting his will and choices. He couldn't say she should have restrained him so that he wouldn't have to choose anything and take responsibility for it. He couldn't be that childish, even though he had realized he was much more immature than he had believed.

Nor could he blame her for having found a trustworthy partner in someone else. Having found someone she deserved.

Someone who could share her heavy burden, not someone who tried to make her throw it away. Someone who could fight together with her, not someone who tried to keep her away from her own battle or left her to fight alone. Someone who could be her equal, not someone who tried to control her. Someone who could strengthen her by helping her be herself, not someone who weakened her by denying who she was, denying her will and wishes. Someone who could walk forward with her, not someone who tried to detain her so that he didn't have to move forward.

Someone she could trust as well as love.

He might have been able to become that kind of person. He might have been able to be the one who gave her happiness.

But he had chosen not to. He had chosen not to even try to become like that. He had chosen not to fight to become the kind of person he wanted to be.

He was the one who had decided he couldn't protect her unless she abandoned Orb. He was the one who had decided to not try to protect her anymore because she wouldn't fulfill his wish. He was the one who had given up, on them and on himself.

He was the one who had chosen to stick to what he had been taught, what other people said, instead of trying to find his own way.

Yes, that was probably his biggest problem: following other people's words too much instead of thinking and deciding for himself.

He had tried to make Cagalli listen to him and follow him, put him first and fulfill his wishes, be obediently protected by him—because she was his girlfriend. Because it was how he thought a girlfriend should be. How he had been taught a girl should be.

It was the happiness he had been told to want.

He had been taught that he should do what he was expected to do, what other people wanted him to do. That it was the happiness to be wanted and needed. So he had abandoned what he actually wanted and needed, because it didn't give him what other people said was happiness. He had left the person he loved because she was different from an ideal girlfriend.

A girlfriend who would abandon anything for him—her job or country or other people that mattered to her—and always stayed by his side to take care of him, as if she had no life beyond their relationship. A girlfriend who wanted and needed him desperately enough.

A girlfriend who fulfilled his need to feel wanted and needed.

It was what he had chosen.

Breaking up had not been just Cagalli's decision. It had been his, too. He had chosen something other than their relationship as much as she had. Their only difference was probably that she had clearly known what she was choosing while he had not known his.

Thus he had made the wrong choice.

Instead of struggling to create a new path, his own path, and move forward, he had chosen to stay in a place where he could keep living as he had been doing. A quiet place where he needed to face no trouble, no hardship, no struggle—because there was nothing that could stir his feelings, touch his heart, there. A place where nothing happened and nothing changed.

You struggled because you wanted something, because of your feelings and desires, because of your heart. Running away from struggles meant running away from your heart. Running away from changes meant running away from growing up.

It was still an easy way and there might be many people who chose it; maybe some people found their happiness there even. However, it didn't mean that it was right for him. That it was the happiness for him.

He should have thought more seriously about his happiness. What made him happy. What was most important to him. Which he wanted more: being with Cagalli or having a girlfriend who put him before everything else. Whether having an easy, peaceful life was worth losing Cagalli.

Yet he hadn't.

He had obtained what he had chosen. He had had someone who played the role of ideal girlfriend until recently. He had an easier and more peaceful life, a life that didn't require as much effort or patience from him. Without even losing Cagalli from his life. Without losing her care and support and love, on top of it. He had everything he had asked for.

Only to find that it wasn't enough. That it wasn't what he wanted most. That it wasn't making him happy.

And he had no one else to blame for his ignorance. His misery was no one's fault but his own.

He thought of the ring with a red gem which had been buried deep in one of the drawers of his desk at his apartment. He had not been able to stand seeing it, but had not been able to stand disposing of it, either.

He had always blamed Cagalli for taking off the ring, for abandoning their happy future, for taking it away from him. However, now he understood what she had done was the opposite. At least when she had decided to take off his ring in the end of the Second Bloody Valentine War. By doing so, by rejecting his chain, she had protected the possibility they could have a happy future. He was the one who had not pursued the possibility, and therefore had killed the future.

What she had protected wasn't just that. By returning the ring to him and parting ways with him, she had prevented them from going the wrong way which led to a future where they were unhappy together. A future where he would be always frustrated because his girlfriend wasn't how he wanted her to be and she would be always suffering because her boyfriend didn't accept her as she was. She had protected their happiness, the possibility they could be happy even if separately.

To be honest, he didn't know whether going "the wrong way" was worse than going separate ways. A part of him was wishing they had stayed together even if it meant they would be miserable and maybe blaming each other for their situation and hating each other. Some people might still be able to find their happiness in the unhappiness. He might be able to.

However, he knew painfully well that she wouldn't choose it. She preferred to be happy separately than to be unhappy together. It was the kind of person she was. And it was probably partly why he had fallen for her, and partly why he had wanted to have her under his control.

Because he had always known that she would leave him if it was necessary. That she was strong enough.

She was a strong person. Strong enough to accept that he, someone she loved, couldn't accept her as she was. Strong enough to still choose to be herself. Strong enough to figure out what she needed and take it. Strong enough to still believe in the possibility of finding what she wanted. Strong enough to recover from the pain.

Strong enough to keep walking forward and obtain her happiness.

She had not let their breakup make her unhappy, let him ruin her like that. She had spared him the guilt—and the satisfaction of dominating her life that way—whether consciously or unconsciously. She was too strong, and probably too loving, for letting such a thing happen.

He loved her for it. He hated her for it.

He wished she weren't so strong. Nor so forgiving and accepting.

If she had not forgiven him for not being what she wanted him to be, if she had been wanting him to change, if she was still stuck with their past because of her anger or regret, then she wouldn't have moved on. She wouldn't be with someone else. He might still have a chance to get her back.

But it wasn't how she was. It had never been who she was.

His lips briefly curved into a bitter smile. Even now, even after realizing how wrong it was, he still wanted to alter her to his liking.

He had wanted her to be how he wanted her to be always, even if his demands were impossibly contradicting.

He had wanted her to be strong enough to be able to fight alone when he decided to leave her side, but not strong enough to be able to keep fighting without him. He had wanted her to be defiant enough to be able to refuse a political marriage, but not defiant enough to reject his control. He had wanted her to be selfless enough to put him before her, but not selfless enough to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of something else that mattered to her. He had wanted her to be passionate enough to stir up his feelings, but not passionate enough to devote herself to her job and her duty. He had wanted her to be compassionate enough to give him care and support no matter what, but not compassionate enough to give as much care and support to something other than him.

However, he couldn't control her strength, her defiance, her selflessness, her passion, or her compassion. He couldn't dictate when she should show them and when she shouldn't, tell her to be like that when he wanted her to be and not to be like that when he didn't want her to be. He couldn't decide how she should be. She was the only one who could and should decide it.

Because she wasn't his puppet. She wasn't anyone's puppet. She didn't live to please anyone.

If he had truly realized what it meant, he might have been able to avoid becoming someone she had to protect herself from. He might have been able to become someone who could truly protect her.

But it was too late now.

He balled his hands into fists. For the umpteenth time, his mind wandered back to their breakup.

Then, her voice echoed in his ears. "And…be happy." The warm smile of hers flashed in his head.

His chest tightened. A part of him still didn't want to admit it, but he knew she had decided to break up partly because she wanted him to be happy. Because she loved him. She had made the decision in order to protect his happiness as well as her own.

She had not tried to change herself to fit his ideal. She had not tried to change him to fit her ideal. Instead, she had chosen to change the form of their relationship so that they could be themselves. So that they could be part of each other's life, which both of them wanted, without ruining their lives and happiness. The only way left for them to live happily together when their dreams, the lives and futures they wanted, were so different.

She had seen it long before he did.

Although her decision apparently had not resulted in his happiness, it wasn't her fault. She wasn't the one responsible for his happiness, the one to figure out what he needed to be happy and pursue it. It was his own job, and she couldn't do it in his stead. She couldn't tell him what was his happiness or which path was right for him. It would be the same as what Dullindal had tried to do. All she could do was help him have what he wanted, what he chose, what he thought made him happy, and she had been doing it more than enough, more than generously.

After the First Bloody Valentine War during which she had saved his life, she had given him the Orb citizenship even though under an alias, along with a place to live and a job. Without her help, he might have had nowhere to go since the PLANT Supreme Council had been unwilling to allow him to return. He might have had to suffer from having nothing to do and living aimlessly.

Of course, it had not been solely for his sake. He knew she had been as happy to have him around as he was to be around her. He had also offered his help to her as a bodyguard, even if only a little.

Either way, she had helped him build a new life. Although the life had not satisfied him, it had been the best she could do under the circumstances.

And yet, he had easily abandoned what she had given him and rejoined ZAFT in the beginning of the Second Bloody Valentine War. He had even made the decision while working as a messenger from the Chief Representative of Orb, the positon she had given him so that he could do what he wanted to. And on top of that, he had not told her, his superior, about his decision before he actually joined another country's military.

It had been considered as a betrayal by some people in the Orb government and military, and he might have been charged with it or at least constrained to keep working as an Orb soldier in exchange for not being punished. But Cagalli had won him immunity for it, persuading others to allow him to leave the military with no penalty, like she had with his defection from ZAFT and Meyrin's. She had made a great effort to clean up his mess.

She had taken care of his and Meyrin's lives after the war just as she had of his after the previous war, offering them the Orb citizenships and jobs. So that he and Meyrin could have more options. So that they could freely choose their future—stay in Orb, return to PLANT, or go somewhere else—and enjoy their lives without being burdened much with what they had done during the war. So that he didn't have to suffer much from his past actions. So that they could be happy.

So that he could be happy.

She had provided them with the best protection she could give. She had even offered new jobs after he had left the Orb's military. Although it was a different person who had actually made the job offers from Morgenrote, he had sensed Cagalli had pulled some strings for him since he knew the woman—Erica Simmons—was close to her. Kira had also mentioned that Cagalli, as well as Kira himself and Lacus, was concerned about what Athrun was going to do after leaving the Orb's military.

He had not been so eager to take the offer at first. He had wondered if it wasn't better for him to leave Orb. But he had not felt comfortable going back to PLANT, and a part of him had felt like staying in Orb though he didn't know why.

Furthermore, the job in Morgenrote had seemed appealing. He could work in the field of robotics, which he had always found of interest since childhood; he could also contribute to protecting Orb and the peace by working in the company, without actually fighting. Also, they had said they highly valued his abilities and wanted him very much, which they wouldn't say if there was no truth in it even with Cagalli's intervention; he had known she wouldn't pressure them that much. He had not known what he should do or wanted to do with his life, where to go, and eventually had decided to give it a try, go to the place where he was wanted and needed.

All his current life was founded on Cagalli's generosity. Without her help, he probably wouldn't be working his current job, which had been satisfying him enough and supporting him. He might be wandering from one place to another, wanting to settle somewhere but couldn't. He might be even in jail. Or he might be suffering because he had ruined Meyrin's life, causing her to be prisoned or banned from her home country, to which she had returned after breaking up with him.

Not that Cagalli was the only person who had protected him. And he, and Meyrin, deserved at least part of what she had given them for they had fought for and protected Orb.

Yet, it didn't change the fact Cagalli had done a generous thing for them. And it certainly didn't mean they—he didn't need to be grateful.

Especially since he knew Cagalli would have done the same thing anyway even if they had not done anything for Orb or her. After all, she had accepted them and promised to take care of Meyrin, of his mess, of him, before either he or Meyrin showed their willingness to fight on her side. He was sure she would have kept her word even if they had not fought.

Nevertheless, he had never really appreciated what Cagalli had done for him, even after the Second Bloody Valentine War, even after he had been given what he had abandoned again, and more. He had simply received her generosity without so much as thanking her. As if she was doing nothing special.

Partly because he had known she would give it to him with no condition. Whether he did something to deserve it or not. Whether he was her boyfriend or not. Whether they were in a relationship or in love with someone else or not. Whether he thanked her or not. Whether he appreciated it or not. Whether he noticed it or not, even.

She gave because she cared and loved. She helped and protected him because she wanted to and she thought he needed it. She had always been like that, forgiving him, accepting him, caring about him, and trying to help him. Even when they had been more or less strangers. Even when she had believed he had killed her friend. That was who she was.

Since she had given him the Haumea's amulet, he had always known, at least deep down, that she would forgive him and accept him no matter what. And she had. Even after he had hurt her. Even after he had harmed what was important to her. Even after he had left her alone. She had still kept giving him everything she could. No matter what he had or hadn't done, she had still kept loving him.

So he had just taken it for granted. So much so that he had never imagined the possibility of losing it, losing her.

His lack of appreciation stemmed also from the fact that what she had done for him wasn't really special in a way. It wasn't what she gave only to him. He had known she would give it to other people as well. She had. She had been doing everything she could do to help her family, friends, and comrades. What she gave him wasn't much different from what she gave to others, which was frustrating to him.

He had wanted more. He had wanted her to treat him differently. He had wanted her to give him something special. He had wanted her to give him more than she did to other people.

He had wanted something she wouldn't give anyone else, or anything else like Orb—and the desire had cost him the very opportunity he could have it. The right to share her burden and her life. The position of her life partner. Her trust he could be that.

He had not wanted to lose her to anything so much that he had lost the most important part of his relationship with her.

He had focused too much on what she didn't give him, what he didn't have, and ended up losing what he had.

He had once had her trust. That was why she had accepted his ring. Because she had believed he could, and was willing to, be someone who could share her life.

Even when love remained unchanged, however, trust could be lost. You didn't have to earn love. It could just be given to you. But trust wasn't. You had to earn it. You had to make an effort and prove that you deserved it.

Which he hadn't. Instead, he had kept proving to her otherwise. And he had received what he deserved. It was simply fair of her not to trust someone who didn't consider her feelings, didn't care about what was important to her, and didn't accept her just as she was. At least not as her partner. She probably still trusted him as a friend and comrade. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't exactly what he wanted.

She was like a fire guiding and protecting people in the darkness—guiding and protecting him. But it was no longer his job to protect her, support her, comfort her, and warm her at her side, to help her keep the fire in her burning. He didn't have the right to do it anymore. Her side wasn't his place anymore. All he could do now was watch the bright fire from afar, longing for the warmth and brightness he could never get back, in his dull and empty world. Always.

He felt hollow, as if a large part of him was missing—no, lost. It was gone. The hole in his chest wasn't repairable. He could never escape from this despair now.

He would give anything if he could turn back the hands of time and return to the day he had broken up with her, if he could undo his mistake. But he couldn't.

His feet stopped. Without realizing, he had come near the garden—or more like a clearing—in front of the orphanage. He could hear children's voices—and her voice.

Slowly, he resumed walking. He came to a point where he could see the garden clearly, and found her. Along with her boyfriend.

As much as it hurt him to see them together, he couldn't take his eyes off them.

Cagalli, her boyfriend, and several children seemed to be setting tables around the garden. She was talking with her boyfriend. She pouted at something he said. He ruffled her hair with a smile. She swatted his hand, but gave a laugh.

The happy sound was almost painful to Athrun's ears.

It might be he who was there with her. It might be he that made her laugh like that, made her happy like that. If only he had chosen a different way.

It might have been possible if he had realized what he wanted most earlier. Even after the meeting in which they had officially broken up, he might have still had a chance. From what he had heard, she had met her boyfriend about a year after their breakup, and the relationship had not started until a month ago. He might have been able to win back her heart if he had put a serious effort into figuring out the way to his happiness, his answer, instead of just waiting for someone—or some kind of supernatural power like fate—to tell him the answer. If he had confronted his feelings instead of running away from them. If he had tried to face up to the reality instead of trying to look away until the circumstances required him to do so. If he had listened to his heart instead of what other people said.

Under his gaze, Cagalli turned in his direction. Their eyes met. His heart fluttered.

She said something to her boyfriend and came running toward Athrun. She smiled at him, unaware of his misery. No, she was aware of it, and trying to cheer him up. She just didn't know the reason why he felt so miserable, because she didn't know he still loved her and wanted her, didn't know how much he did.

He couldn't expect her to know what he had done nothing to show or prove, or maybe what he had done everything to deny. He couldn't blame her for not knowing what he didn't tell her.

People wouldn't conveniently sense what you wanted them to know without your telling it to them and give you what you wanted, sparing you the effort to communicate. People wouldn't conveniently act as you wish them to, like keeping helplessly and obediently waiting for him to come back even when his actions said nothing but that he wouldn't, or throwing away her current happiness and running back to him once he finally realized his answer and wanted her back. As if they existed and lived for your sake.

It wasn't their fault. They weren't your puppet at your disposal, your tool to make your life convenient, or your reward waiting to be picked up and praise you for having found your answer. They were a human being just as you, and had their own life and happiness.

So he didn't want her to know his feelings. He couldn't control her behavior. They weren't bound to each other by anything. The only thing that connected them was their love for each other. The only reason they were still in each other's life was because they wanted to.

She was in his life and gave him love and care and comfort only because she wanted to, which meant she could stop doing it anytime she wanted to. She could be completely gone from his life if she chose to. She was free to do anything she wanted to do.

She might distance herself from him if she found out his feelings for her, thinking it was for the best. He didn't think she would completely cut him out of her life, but she still might try to reduce her interactions with him, limit them to when she thought he really needed her help.

He couldn't bear losing even more of the time with her, more of her. He wanted her in his life as much and as long as possible, even if only as a friend. Being her friend, he could still have a tiny share of her fire, its heat and light, though it would never be enough. But it still filled the hole in his chest, if only briefly, if only partly. The sun would still shine on his bleak world from time to time though it was beyond his reach.

She reached him and asked whether he wanted to join them. He forced a small smile and said yes. A relieved smile spread over her face, which squeezed his chest and made him want to hug her. But he suppressed the urge with all his might.

He couldn't risk her friendship. It was all he could have now, and he just clung to it. He would keep holding onto it. It was the only way left for him now.

A part of him was thankful that they weren't alone since the presence of other people automatically made him take a tighter hold on his emotions, which was his nature. It would be tougher for him to act like friends with her if they were alone, and thus increase the risk of losing her.

Another part of him was longing to have more private—intimate—time with her. But he didn't have the right to ask for it anymore.

Pulling his arm, she threw a happy smile at her boyfriend. The man returned the smile, sharing her happiness. Her smile became even brighter, so bright that it hurt Athrun's hollow eyes.

The End

A/N: The Athrun in this fic is more childish than the Athrun in the series, or the Athrun in my other fics. He hasn't learned much from his experiences in GS and GSD.

This is what I think would likely happen if they broke up in GSD partly because in my opinion, Cagalli rather focuses on the present and the future while Athrun tends to live in the past.

I also believe Cagalli made those decisions of hers in the end of GSD because she wanted to be happy even if it meant losing Athrun (if you like to know more about my opinion on this point, you can read "The Ring"). It doesn't guarantee she'll never regret the decisions, of course. But at least she would know she did what she thought was best for her happiness and be able to try again, learning from past experiences. It's the kind of person I think she is.

On the other hand, Athrun tends to suppress his feelings and therefore be oblivious to his own feelings including what he wants. Furthermore, he is usually hesitant to act on emotions. He is much less likely to know what he wants or go for it, which I believe are important to be happy, than Cagalli. Therefore, in this fic, he ends up abandoning what he wants most and regretting his decision.

Anyway, I disclose some information on my next fic since the fic and this fic form a kind of pair (though they are in different universes). It's an AC proposal fic and called "Long, Long Time"; it will be uploaded on March 7. I hope you'll read that one, too.

If you are willing to read other fics of mine, my recommendation would be "Fall of Destiny," the Dullindal fic. It's also quite connected with this fic in a way, and hopefully will help you understand this fic better.

Well, thank you for reading. If you have reviewed my other fics, thank you for that, too.

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In case you are confused about where the lines I used in the story come from, I note below who said it and in which episode it was said (in the remastered version):

"What should we have truly fought against? And how should we have fought it?" (Athrun; GS episode 38, and mentioned in GSD episode 8)

"You must be thinking, 'Why did things come to this? Why doesn't the world go the way I wish it to go?' and really frustrated." (Dullindal; GSD episode 36)

"What's wrong with playing roles?! If I...if I play properly, then it's all right I live like that, isn't it?!" (Meer; GSD episode 36)

"Whatever it is about, it is you who make the choice." (Lacus; GSD episode 41)

"What Orb wishes for more than anything is peace. However, it's only with the condition that we have freedom and independence. We can't choose surrender or subordination." (Cagalli; GSD episode 44)

*edited 03/10/19*