Title: Helpless
Author: ME!!!! I'M A POOP LOOOSER!!!
Rating: PG-13. Nothing you wouldn't see on the show.
Summary:Set after "Grave". Buffy, for once in her life, is left helpless after something happens to her, that she can't fight. And for once, Spike isn't there for her to confide in. S/B all the way.
Distribution: *Shrug* Let me know where it is going and add my E-mail with it for feed back! I love feed back! (MyLuv4JeffHardy@aol.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nothing. Not even the box I live in.
*************************************
Buffy dropped her hair. She had been holding it back ever since she first felt sick, then vomited up that night's dinner in the upstairs bathroom. She didn't understand why she had all of a sudden been ill. She thought she might have been pregnant, but that was impossible. Spike was the last person she had had sex with, and he wasn't able to have children. She shrugged off her concerns, heading back downstairs to pick up the wet laundry she had been about to load in the dryer. She had dropped it when she felt the sudden nausea coming on.
Last week the same thing had happened. Dawn saw her and told her to go to the doctor. Yeah right. As if she needed more hospital bills to contend with after her mom's death.
She loaded the clothes in the dryer and set it going. Dawn smiled at her, wearing her moon and stars pajamas, "I told you to go to the doctors last week..." Dawn gave her sister that I'm-only-looking-out-for-you look.
Buffy winced, "You're supposed to be sleeping."
"Yeah, like I could sleep with all the hacking up going on," Dawn muttered. Her face brightened up. "I'll tell Spike you're sick and you refuse to go to the doctors if you don't go yourself. He'll come all the way over here from England and *make* you go."
Buffy definitely didn't want that. No more Spike. "You win. I'll call and get an appointment tomorrow and we can go together," she motioned for Dawn to go back to her room, "Bed. Now."
She sighed. At least she can go and prove to Dawn that nothing was wrong with just one hospital bill. That wasn't going to ruin the small savings she had left, right?
***************************************
"The soonest appointment time is in one week."
"I understand. Book me for that okay?"
"Yes, Ms. Summers."
"Thank you," she hung up the phone. Dawn was watching her every move making sure she had scheduled an appointment. "See? Appointment made. Stop staring at me now."
Dawn smiled. Sure, she would tell Spike anyway. He deserved to know about this repeated incident, just as all the other Scoobys did. She would just ask him not to come until the results of the checkup were in.
She walked upstairs and got out Spike's address, a pen, and paper.
Spike,
Buffy didn't want me to tell you. She's sick. She's been puking a lot lately and her Slayer healing powers don't seem to be working as quickly as they used too. I promised her I wouldn't tell, but I thought you deserved to know. You can't come back, at least not until she has a doctor look at her. Then, if something is really bad, I'll let you know. I can probably call you from the Magic Box. Giles and Anya will think that it's just one of their calls to each other, instead of you and me. I don't mean to worry you. She mumbled something about being pregnant, but she was last with you so I guess that's out of the question. I'll call you as soon as she gets the results back in.
Love always,
--Dawn
**********************************************
Spike read this and let it all sink in. She couldn't be sick. They had just gotten her back! She couldn't be pregnant; it was just physically impossible. So what was wrong with Buffy?
*********************************
Buffy waited for the doctor to come back. They had done the usual checkup, pee in a cup and all.
"Ms Summers, the results are coming in, saying something in your body isn't quite right. We will have to do some more tests to find out what's wrong," the doctor said handing Buffy a packet of papers, "Please fill these out, and then you may go home. It'll take about two weeks for us to finish testing for what could be wrong. We have to send your samples away for the testing. We'll call you as soon as the results are in."
So Dawn was right. Something was wrong. Only Dawn had noticed her loss of appetite and her loss of weight. She had known something wasn't right. Buffy kept having hot flashes, sudden fevers, she always looked pale, and she had sudden nausea as well.
Dawn peeked her head into Buffy's room, "They said I could come in with you now," she sat down on a stool in the corner, "So what'd they say?"
"Something is wrong Dawnie. They just aren't sure what it is yet."
Dawn suddenly realized she hated being called "Dawnie." Whenever they called her that, either something was wrong, or someone felt pity for her. Her body stiffened.
Buffy filled out the papers as she was told, then left.
***************************
Dawn had left Willow a note before she left with Buffy. Ever since Tara's death, she had been moping around, depressed. Like most mornings, she had slept in, again. She was glad that they were on a break for Christmas at the University. Her mom would have been really mad if she had missed another class.
"Hey Wills." Buffy said, returning from the doctors.
Willow put on her best fake smile. "So how did everything go?"
Buffy hesitated, slightly, though not enough for Willow to notice. "They aren't sure yet. They have to send my pee to some lab."
Dawn nodded. "I'd hate to work there ya know? People ask 'Hey, what do you do for a living?' and you say, 'Well, I play with people's pee. My lab coat gets really stained.'"
Buffy made a face. "As opposed to working at the double meat?"
Dawn thought for a moment."Point taken."
Willow, didn't laugh at Dawn's remarks. She didn't even acknowledge them. She was always sad, or she had a pasted on smile, that didn't even look real. She never laughed or geniually have a good time any more.
"Hey, are you already packed for tomorrow?" Buffy asked.
Willow was to have her Second Magic rehab class tomorrow. She would stay one week, at Giles' new house.
"Yeah. Just waiting for it to come and go..." Willow mumbled.
"It? What is the 'it' that's coming and going?" Dawn said, looking bewildered.
"Tomorrow." Willow sighed.
**********************************
"Anya! You did it again," Xander yelled.
"Did what?"
"Put the plastic bowls in the bottom of the dishwasher. Look they are all melted and deformed," Xander said, pulling out one of the bowls.
"I'll try to remember next time; it was an honest mistake Xander," Anya said, blowing off the subject.
"An honest mistake? Like sleeping with Spike?" Xander shot at her.
"I was in pain. Consider that my revenge for you standing me up!" She said throwing her hands up in frustration. Whenever she made a mistake, that topic always seemed to come up.
"Revenge? Don't you mean vengeance?" Xander really wasn't mad at her sleeping with another man. If he was in her situation, he would have slept with another woman. But this was different. This was Spike. She just had to sleep with a vampire, which he hated. He couldn't let that go. At least not so soon.
"Justice. I'm a justice demon." Anya corrected him. "Look, I apologized for having sex with him, and I even tried to make it up to you but nothing works! I don't understand why you bring it up, if nothing I can do makes it better!"
Xander's face somewhat softened. Sometimes he forgot that Anya wasn't really into the swing of things. She really was trying her best. "I get it you don't understand hon, I really do. But that doesn't mean that I can pretend what you did, didn't happen."
She frowned. "But I can forgive you embarrassing me on the day we were supposed to be married?" She grabbed the bowl, which he set down on the counter. You could clearly tell it was melted. It had drips of the hot plastic that had dried running down the side of the bowl. On the edge, the blue bowl was swirled with a little pink, which had been from the other melted dish that was set next to it. "Besides, you can still eat out of it if you really wanted too," She stated quietly.
Xander shifted his weight. She was right. He had embarrassed her, in front of his family, and the closest thing she had to one. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "You're supposed to be the one thing only I can enjoy. Me only. I don't want to share you, because that's one moment I don't get to have with you. Spike already took Buffy away. I didn't want him to have you too."
Anya smiled. He enjoyed her. "Well, I don't blame Buffy for having sex with him."
Xander looked at her horrified. "So you not only had sex with another man, you're implying that he was good?"
Anya's smile faded. "No. Not at all. I was going to say that sex calms your nerves." She patted him on the back. "Maybe I should go and let you cool down a bit."
"Was he good?" Xander asked sarcastically.
Anya's eyes widened. "I can't believe you asked me that. If you wouldn't have left me, I would have been having sex with you in the first place on our honeymoon!" She realized she was still holding the melted bowl. She threw it at him before using her vengeance powers, to teleport out of their apartment.
***********************************************
"I know you felt it... When I was
Inside you..."
"Don't..." She pleaded.
She managed to push him off. She was heading for the door trying to get away. He caught her leg, scrambling back on top of her and pinning her wrists down. "You're going to let me inside you..."
"Please..."
"You'll feel it again, Buffy..."
"Spike, stop..."
He tore to her robe, finally getting it open.
Spike awoke; remembering the weight of his actions, and having it crush him. It happened today. He happened yesterday. He began to wonder when it would stop hurting, even if it did.
What gave him the right to tell her what she felt? He felt sick. What if he would have gone through with doing that to her? It was far worse than just killing her. Killing her would have ended any pain she had. She would have been back in heaven, where she belonged.
But raping her? She would have had to live with the unwanted memories and pain. Looking over her shoulder, wondering when he would return for more pleasures he could squeeze out of her.
The on top of all that, he expected her to love him. He couldn't just go back and face it all again. Not her. And this, to the woman he loved. Imagine the people he hurt that he didn't care about or the people who were his enemies. He would probably kill them sure, but then their families would have had to live the rest of their life, in fear of someone doing the same to them.
He couldn't forgive himself. Sure he had blamed the whole thing on Drusilla a couple of times, after all she was the one who made her who he was. But she didn't physically make him do anything to lose people he' killed and she didn't make him rape Buffy.
Spike just couldn't forgive himself. He had felt guilt right after the realized that he'd crossed the line. But with a soul, that made the guilt ten fold. He was at a loss. He didn't want to look at Buffy again. She was a painful reminder of what he had been. Yet he was in love with her and he couldn't just walk away from someone that made him feel so alive.
He would never forgive himself.
A/N: Thanks to my beta reader, AMy. She's the best.
Author: ME!!!! I'M A POOP LOOOSER!!!
Rating: PG-13. Nothing you wouldn't see on the show.
Summary:Set after "Grave". Buffy, for once in her life, is left helpless after something happens to her, that she can't fight. And for once, Spike isn't there for her to confide in. S/B all the way.
Distribution: *Shrug* Let me know where it is going and add my E-mail with it for feed back! I love feed back! (MyLuv4JeffHardy@aol.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nothing. Not even the box I live in.
*************************************
Buffy dropped her hair. She had been holding it back ever since she first felt sick, then vomited up that night's dinner in the upstairs bathroom. She didn't understand why she had all of a sudden been ill. She thought she might have been pregnant, but that was impossible. Spike was the last person she had had sex with, and he wasn't able to have children. She shrugged off her concerns, heading back downstairs to pick up the wet laundry she had been about to load in the dryer. She had dropped it when she felt the sudden nausea coming on.
Last week the same thing had happened. Dawn saw her and told her to go to the doctor. Yeah right. As if she needed more hospital bills to contend with after her mom's death.
She loaded the clothes in the dryer and set it going. Dawn smiled at her, wearing her moon and stars pajamas, "I told you to go to the doctors last week..." Dawn gave her sister that I'm-only-looking-out-for-you look.
Buffy winced, "You're supposed to be sleeping."
"Yeah, like I could sleep with all the hacking up going on," Dawn muttered. Her face brightened up. "I'll tell Spike you're sick and you refuse to go to the doctors if you don't go yourself. He'll come all the way over here from England and *make* you go."
Buffy definitely didn't want that. No more Spike. "You win. I'll call and get an appointment tomorrow and we can go together," she motioned for Dawn to go back to her room, "Bed. Now."
She sighed. At least she can go and prove to Dawn that nothing was wrong with just one hospital bill. That wasn't going to ruin the small savings she had left, right?
***************************************
"The soonest appointment time is in one week."
"I understand. Book me for that okay?"
"Yes, Ms. Summers."
"Thank you," she hung up the phone. Dawn was watching her every move making sure she had scheduled an appointment. "See? Appointment made. Stop staring at me now."
Dawn smiled. Sure, she would tell Spike anyway. He deserved to know about this repeated incident, just as all the other Scoobys did. She would just ask him not to come until the results of the checkup were in.
She walked upstairs and got out Spike's address, a pen, and paper.
Spike,
Buffy didn't want me to tell you. She's sick. She's been puking a lot lately and her Slayer healing powers don't seem to be working as quickly as they used too. I promised her I wouldn't tell, but I thought you deserved to know. You can't come back, at least not until she has a doctor look at her. Then, if something is really bad, I'll let you know. I can probably call you from the Magic Box. Giles and Anya will think that it's just one of their calls to each other, instead of you and me. I don't mean to worry you. She mumbled something about being pregnant, but she was last with you so I guess that's out of the question. I'll call you as soon as she gets the results back in.
Love always,
--Dawn
**********************************************
Spike read this and let it all sink in. She couldn't be sick. They had just gotten her back! She couldn't be pregnant; it was just physically impossible. So what was wrong with Buffy?
*********************************
Buffy waited for the doctor to come back. They had done the usual checkup, pee in a cup and all.
"Ms Summers, the results are coming in, saying something in your body isn't quite right. We will have to do some more tests to find out what's wrong," the doctor said handing Buffy a packet of papers, "Please fill these out, and then you may go home. It'll take about two weeks for us to finish testing for what could be wrong. We have to send your samples away for the testing. We'll call you as soon as the results are in."
So Dawn was right. Something was wrong. Only Dawn had noticed her loss of appetite and her loss of weight. She had known something wasn't right. Buffy kept having hot flashes, sudden fevers, she always looked pale, and she had sudden nausea as well.
Dawn peeked her head into Buffy's room, "They said I could come in with you now," she sat down on a stool in the corner, "So what'd they say?"
"Something is wrong Dawnie. They just aren't sure what it is yet."
Dawn suddenly realized she hated being called "Dawnie." Whenever they called her that, either something was wrong, or someone felt pity for her. Her body stiffened.
Buffy filled out the papers as she was told, then left.
***************************
Dawn had left Willow a note before she left with Buffy. Ever since Tara's death, she had been moping around, depressed. Like most mornings, she had slept in, again. She was glad that they were on a break for Christmas at the University. Her mom would have been really mad if she had missed another class.
"Hey Wills." Buffy said, returning from the doctors.
Willow put on her best fake smile. "So how did everything go?"
Buffy hesitated, slightly, though not enough for Willow to notice. "They aren't sure yet. They have to send my pee to some lab."
Dawn nodded. "I'd hate to work there ya know? People ask 'Hey, what do you do for a living?' and you say, 'Well, I play with people's pee. My lab coat gets really stained.'"
Buffy made a face. "As opposed to working at the double meat?"
Dawn thought for a moment."Point taken."
Willow, didn't laugh at Dawn's remarks. She didn't even acknowledge them. She was always sad, or she had a pasted on smile, that didn't even look real. She never laughed or geniually have a good time any more.
"Hey, are you already packed for tomorrow?" Buffy asked.
Willow was to have her Second Magic rehab class tomorrow. She would stay one week, at Giles' new house.
"Yeah. Just waiting for it to come and go..." Willow mumbled.
"It? What is the 'it' that's coming and going?" Dawn said, looking bewildered.
"Tomorrow." Willow sighed.
**********************************
"Anya! You did it again," Xander yelled.
"Did what?"
"Put the plastic bowls in the bottom of the dishwasher. Look they are all melted and deformed," Xander said, pulling out one of the bowls.
"I'll try to remember next time; it was an honest mistake Xander," Anya said, blowing off the subject.
"An honest mistake? Like sleeping with Spike?" Xander shot at her.
"I was in pain. Consider that my revenge for you standing me up!" She said throwing her hands up in frustration. Whenever she made a mistake, that topic always seemed to come up.
"Revenge? Don't you mean vengeance?" Xander really wasn't mad at her sleeping with another man. If he was in her situation, he would have slept with another woman. But this was different. This was Spike. She just had to sleep with a vampire, which he hated. He couldn't let that go. At least not so soon.
"Justice. I'm a justice demon." Anya corrected him. "Look, I apologized for having sex with him, and I even tried to make it up to you but nothing works! I don't understand why you bring it up, if nothing I can do makes it better!"
Xander's face somewhat softened. Sometimes he forgot that Anya wasn't really into the swing of things. She really was trying her best. "I get it you don't understand hon, I really do. But that doesn't mean that I can pretend what you did, didn't happen."
She frowned. "But I can forgive you embarrassing me on the day we were supposed to be married?" She grabbed the bowl, which he set down on the counter. You could clearly tell it was melted. It had drips of the hot plastic that had dried running down the side of the bowl. On the edge, the blue bowl was swirled with a little pink, which had been from the other melted dish that was set next to it. "Besides, you can still eat out of it if you really wanted too," She stated quietly.
Xander shifted his weight. She was right. He had embarrassed her, in front of his family, and the closest thing she had to one. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "You're supposed to be the one thing only I can enjoy. Me only. I don't want to share you, because that's one moment I don't get to have with you. Spike already took Buffy away. I didn't want him to have you too."
Anya smiled. He enjoyed her. "Well, I don't blame Buffy for having sex with him."
Xander looked at her horrified. "So you not only had sex with another man, you're implying that he was good?"
Anya's smile faded. "No. Not at all. I was going to say that sex calms your nerves." She patted him on the back. "Maybe I should go and let you cool down a bit."
"Was he good?" Xander asked sarcastically.
Anya's eyes widened. "I can't believe you asked me that. If you wouldn't have left me, I would have been having sex with you in the first place on our honeymoon!" She realized she was still holding the melted bowl. She threw it at him before using her vengeance powers, to teleport out of their apartment.
***********************************************
"I know you felt it... When I was
Inside you..."
"Don't..." She pleaded.
She managed to push him off. She was heading for the door trying to get away. He caught her leg, scrambling back on top of her and pinning her wrists down. "You're going to let me inside you..."
"Please..."
"You'll feel it again, Buffy..."
"Spike, stop..."
He tore to her robe, finally getting it open.
Spike awoke; remembering the weight of his actions, and having it crush him. It happened today. He happened yesterday. He began to wonder when it would stop hurting, even if it did.
What gave him the right to tell her what she felt? He felt sick. What if he would have gone through with doing that to her? It was far worse than just killing her. Killing her would have ended any pain she had. She would have been back in heaven, where she belonged.
But raping her? She would have had to live with the unwanted memories and pain. Looking over her shoulder, wondering when he would return for more pleasures he could squeeze out of her.
The on top of all that, he expected her to love him. He couldn't just go back and face it all again. Not her. And this, to the woman he loved. Imagine the people he hurt that he didn't care about or the people who were his enemies. He would probably kill them sure, but then their families would have had to live the rest of their life, in fear of someone doing the same to them.
He couldn't forgive himself. Sure he had blamed the whole thing on Drusilla a couple of times, after all she was the one who made her who he was. But she didn't physically make him do anything to lose people he' killed and she didn't make him rape Buffy.
Spike just couldn't forgive himself. He had felt guilt right after the realized that he'd crossed the line. But with a soul, that made the guilt ten fold. He was at a loss. He didn't want to look at Buffy again. She was a painful reminder of what he had been. Yet he was in love with her and he couldn't just walk away from someone that made him feel so alive.
He would never forgive himself.
A/N: Thanks to my beta reader, AMy. She's the best.