Bernie's phone had been going off every other minute or so since she'd popped down to Pulses to get herself and Serena an early morning coffee and snack. It would save them from having to sort out some sort of nourishment when they eventually got home from their respective shifts.
Serena knew that it was naughty but she'd sneaked a look at the screen anyway and wasn't all that surprised to see who had been so persistent. A few moments later Bernie appeared over her shoulder and set down two paper cups full of steaming hot coffee and two filled croissants on the desk in front of the other woman.
"Well, if it isn't Ms Popular? Your phone's been ringing off the hook and I'll give you three guesses as to who it is." Bernie looked at Serena quizzically and accepted the phone from her, protected by its familiar lime green casing. She swiped it unlocked and was surprised to see the long list before her.
"Six missed calls?! I've only been gone fifteen minutes." Bernie perched herself comfortably on the side of Serena's desk, careful to avoid the drinks and food she'd just set down. It was a familiar position which seemed to have now become habit rather than anything conscious on Bernie's part. A very worrying feeling settled in her stomach and Bernie pressed the call back button straight away. She maintained eye contact with Serena as she began her call, the other woman's quiet support offered without the need for words. "What's happened?" Bernie asked after the voice at the other end had expressed their immense relief at finally making contact. "Oh god, no! Where are you?" Bernie frantically scrabbled around on the desk for a pen and paper which was helpfully handed to her by Serena. "Uh huh, hmm, yes I think I know where that is. Hold tight, I'll be as quick as I can." She ended the call and looked up into Serena's concerned face. "It's Toby, he's been poisoned. Alex said the vet reckons he's got a fifty-fifty chance of surviving." Serena gently placed her hand on Bernie's arm in reassurance.
"Go, you're not far off the end of your shift anyway." Bernie smiled gratefully at Serena.
"Are you sure?" At the other woman's nod she thanked her, pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek and grabbed her refreshments before bolting out of the hospital.
Flashback
Once Bernie had caught Serena up at the tea room she was most definitely in need of that promised coffee and sweet treat. Bumping into Alex and Toby had been a shock, even though a nice surprise, but she was suddenly flooded with feelings she'd tried to put to the back of her mind for months.
Bernie made her way over to Serena's table and unbuttoned her long peach coat, thankfully the tea room had some heating, although she was definitely keeping her jumper on. It was still technically early Autumn but Bernie had always felt the chill easily. She hung the coat over the back of a chair, having glanced around the room for some coat hooks and found none.
"Hi. Umm…" Bernie looked down and noticed that Serena already had a hot drink in a mug, which had been partially drunk. She'd actually lost track of time whilst she'd been chatting to Alex and hadn't realised she'd been gone quite that long. "Sorry, do you want another?" Bernie asked as she rooted around in her bag for her wallet.
"I'm fine, I've got the caffetire. I've not ordered cake though and the scones do look lovely. Could you get me one of those?" Serena smiled kindly up at Bernie, trying to assuage any fears she might have of her impending anger over the fact that she'd run off to chat to Alex. She had, after all, given her her blessing to do so.
"Of course." It took a couple of minutes for Bernie to order her drink and she opted for a scone as well. The server said she'd bring everything over to their table once it was ready.
"So, did you work something out?" Serena kept her tone light, even though she'd been sitting here wondering what Bernie and Alex had been talking about and just what on earth that now meant for her burgeoning relationship with Bernie.
"Yeah, we're meeting here tomorrow morning to take Toby for a run after Alex's shift and maybe once a week after that." Bernie had wanted to meet up again as soon as possible, lest Alex think on it and change her mind.
"Sounds nice. I didn't know you were a dog person?" Serena found it strange that Bernie hadn't mentioned a single thing about Toby in all the time they'd known each other but especially since they'd been...seeing each other.
"No, actually I wasn't but then Toby just turned up one day at our base camp in the middle of a tour. He was only a young pup, looked so lost vulnerable on that first day. Alex took to him straight away and to be fair he very much took to her too. We'd tried to find him a new home but I think everyone could tell that Alex's heart wasn't in it. Fortunately she's a trained dog handler and our CO was in a generous mood." It was a very exceptional circumstance and even though there were plenty of working dogs around base, one starting off in quite that way was completely unheard of. But Toby had proved his worth countless times, saved dozens of lives by sniffing out explosives before anyone could trigger them and for that he'd rightfully earned his place.
"Ahh, I see." The server approached their table with a tray and set out the scones, jam and clotted cream before going back for Bernie's coffee, milk and sugar.
"I didn't take to him at first but he gradually endeared himself to me. He was our dog really, no one else on base got a look in." Bernie chuckled knowing it was only really half the story. She took a plate and placed a scone on it, then reached for the jam and a knife. Fussing with her tea was a good way of distracting herself from the slightly heavy atmosphere that hadn't been present at the start of their afternoon out.
"Bernie...?" Serena began, having neither touched her coffee nor scone since the blonde had begun talking. Instead she'd been watching her closely. The trauma surgeon looked up at her…friend… and swallowed nervously. "How do you feel about Alex? Tell me the truth and what that means for me… for us."
"I thought that I could move on…" Bernie started and then faltered. "I do have feelings for you and I would like to see where this leads…"
"But…?" Serena coaxed gently, knowing exactly where this conversation was headed, even if Bernie didn't.
"I don't want to hurt you Serena." The guilt Bernie already felt about the hurt she'd caused, to Marcus, the kids, Alex and now Serena was beginning to weigh her down. She wondered if she'd ever be able to reconcile herself with it and her past actions.
"You'll hurt me more by lying, it has been known…" She raised her eyebrows in challenge and Bernie nodded in acceptance of her failings. Bernie took a deep breath and prepared to be brave and honest with Serena and most importantly, honest with herself.
"But I don't think I'm over Alex. I… would to take the time to get to know her again, as a civilian and out in the open. It might not lead anywhere and it's probably too late anyway." Bernie shook her head, full of doubt that Alex might still have feelings for her, especially after the appalling way she'd treated her.
"But it might. You'll always regret it if you didn't at least try." Serena kindly encouraged and reached out across the table to cover Bernie's hand with her own.
"Why are you being nice to me?" Bernie upturned her hand in Serena's so that she was able to grasp her fingers better. She rubbed her thumb along the top of other woman's knuckles, not really sure who was reassuring who.
"Whatever may or may not have developed between us, I first and foremost consider you a friend. You deserve to be happy, with the person who makes you happiest, the one you were always meant to be with." Serena was fairly certain that it wasn't herself and she strangely felt okay with that. Perhaps she'd always known deep down?
"I don't deserve a happy ending." Despite how nice she was being, Serena was tempted to stop being quite so understanding and tell Bernie the truth, that she was also hurting inside at this unexpected turn of events. But a wobble in the blonde's confidence and guilt over Fletch's stabbing was what had initially brought them together in the first place so Serena ploughed on, unable to inflict any further guilt on her friend.
"Pish! You may have gone about things arse about face, made some questionable decisions…" Serena let go of Bernie's hand as she'd gestured with her arms to make her point instead.
"Lied, cheated…" Bernie looked down at her scone without really seeing it, the shame having brought an embarrassed flush to her cheeks.
"Well, yes, there is that." Serena cupped her now free hand around Bernie's chin and nudged her head up to meet her eyes once again. "But I don't believe you set out to deliberately hurt people. You were perhaps naive and misguided, a bit of a coward in the beginning. But now that I've walked a step or two in your shoes, even for just a short while, I can appreciate there's perhaps another side to your story." Serena hoped that she'd managed to get through to Bernie now as this conversation was beginning to exhaust her emotionally.
"And what about you? Us?" They'd not quite got around to putting a label on what they were exactly. Courting would be the 'proper' term for it, with perhaps a few additional perks that weren't strictly in the traditional meaning of the word. Serena had needed time to adjust to a side of herself she'd not contemplated before and Bernie had, somewhere in the back of her mind and heart, struggled with her residual feelings for Alex. So they'd decided to simply go with the flow and see what happened.
"I hate to break it to you Bernie but I'm not going to be slitting my wrists later this evening." At Bernie's rather shocked expression, more to do with the turn of phrase than the meaning of her words, Serena explained further. "I have feelings for you too but I'm not head over heels in love with you. I care about you, a lot, and perhaps one day I could have seen something more serious developing but not just yet and certainly not now I've seen you with Alex. You could run laboratories off your chemistry!" And that's what had prompted Serena to have been so calm and nice throughout this entire exchange. It was obvious from the moment Bernie and Alex had locked eyes on each other once again.
"I'm so sorry…." The regret was palpable in Bernie's voice.
"Don't apologise! It's been… fun, something I've sorely needed to remind myself of. So thank you... thank you for walking into my life just at the right time."
Present Day
Toby was lying in a dog bed hooked up to a drip hanging from a frame on wheels beside him. He was completely out of it, the poison having mostly been flushed from his stomach. Now it was just a question of allowing his body to recover and for him to regain consciousness in his own time. If he'd been treated in time and was to survive that was. Alex was sat on the cold, wooden flooring of the private room at the veterinary surgery he was registered at with a faraway look in her eyes.
She absentmindedly stroked a paw which had been sticking outside of the bed. She had no idea what she looked like but her skin was pale and a look of utter exhaustion and worry was etched deeply on her face. Bernie carefully opened the door, walked in quietly and shut the door behind her again for privacy. The receptionist had been expecting her so at least there had been no awkwardness in trying to explain who she was and why she was there. She walked over to Toby, stroked the top of his head and around those ears which he'd never seemed to have grown into, before settling herself on the floor next to Alex.
"What happened?" Bernie's voice was just above a whisper but Alex could hear the huskiness of recently spent tears in it anyway.
"I'd just finished my twelve hour shift and then took Toby for his usual run." She looked up at Bernie and met her eyes for the first time, neither were surprised at the redness they found in each other's eyes. "You know what he's like; he'd been a bit of a whatsit, run off and didn't want to come back several times. I should have realised then that he'd maybe found something he wasn't supposed to!" Alex was clearly angry with herself that she hadn't kept a closer eye on what he was up to, but Bernie knew it wasn't her fault. As wonderful as their daft dog was, he had a tendency to do his own thing on occasion; it was all part of his character. "But he was fine when we left so I dropped him off at home and went straight out to the supermarket to do the weekly shop. I was gone for maybe an hour and then that's when I found him. God, I was so scared Bern…he was just laying there, no life in him at all, I thought he'd already gone..." Tears spilled down her cheeks and Alex couldn't continue.
"But he's not and he's getting the best possible care." Bernie said with as much confidence and authority as she could muster. "Look, you're exhausted..."
"I'm fine." Alex cut her off, not wanting to be placated or looked after herself when Toby was so poorly.
"Why don't you have a short nap? I can keep an eye on him, let you know as soon as there's a change." If Alex didn't sleep now she'd surely collapse from exhaustion anyway, Bernie thought.
"No! I'm not leaving him. What if…? What if these are my last hours with him? I can't lose him too." Alex broke down and sobbed. Bernie wrapped her arm around her friend and ex-lover and pulled her in close. She kissed the top of her head, offering what small comfort she could. Her heart twinged as she thought about Alex's last words and realised that she'd referenced losing her. After a short while Bernie pulled back to look Alex in the eye.
"He's a fighter, just like his mum. But please rest Alex. You'll be no good to him when he wakes up and needs additional care. You don't have to go home, stay here and sleep, even if only for half an hour." They both knew from first hand experience that even a short rest could do wonders in such difficult situations.
"And what about you? You've just come off shift as well." Bernie wasn't about to tell Alex quite how tired and emotional she was herself. Fortunately she'd managed to consume the coffee and croissant on her way to the vets and it would be enough to sustain her for a few more hours yet.
"I've come straight from the hospital, you're several hours in front of me. I'm fine, it's you I'm worried about." Bernie could see relief in Alex's eyes and that she was about to give in. She smiled inwardly at the small victory despite the difficult circumstances.
"You promise to wake me the minute he so much as sneezes?"
"Of course, I promise." Bernie wasn't sure what she'd been expecting but Alex curling up in her lap hadn't quite been it. The younger woman's head rested against her stomach and the rest of her body curled tight into her hips and side. Bernie began to methodically stroke down the length of Alex's arm, soothing her to sleep as best she could. Alex had drifted off within minutes, she had always had a certain knack for sleeping anywhere, anytime and in most positions but it was even less surprising given her exhaustion and emotional worry.
After about ten minutes or so Bernie was certain Alex was asleep when small little snores came from somewhere around the middle of her lap. She smiled down at the woman in her arms and then across at their dozing dog. He didn't look sick but he still had a long way to go before he was out of the woods.
A memory suddenly popped into her head as she watched over Toby; the time when he'd stolen a whole cooked chicken from the mess on camp and scarpered to scoff the lot in peace. Despite a few grumbles from their comrades, most saw the funny side in the end. Alex had banished him to the dog bed on the other side of her quarters for the night, where he was supposed to have slept. However, he'd spent half an hour whimpering and Alex had soon given in and allowed him to use the empty bed next to her. Technically that was supposed to have been Bernie's bed but it was all for show as since they'd begun their relationship, they generally shared Alex's.
As she'd told Serena, Bernie hadn't exactly taken to Toby immediately and an early incident where he'd become over excited, jumped up on their bed and promptly peed all over the pillows had not endeared the pup to her. In the ensuing chaos, he'd also knocked over a framed photograph of Cameron and Charlotte which had smashed to smithereens and for quite some time she'd been slightly off with him.
It hadn't been until Alex was back home on R&R for a couple of weeks, her mother having been taken ill so they'd allowed her home a little earlier than expected, that Bernie and Toby had finally bonded. She'd been left in charge of the pup in Alex's absence. And even though he'd grown considerably in the six months he'd been with them, he was still a pup with those large fluffy ears and massive grin. One night, she'd settled herself in Alex's bed out of routine and if she was really being honest with herself, out of the need for comfort, especially her lingering smell on the pillows, as she'd really started to miss her.
Bernie had been startled awake by a spine-chilling nightmare and had reached around for Alex, only to find the bed empty and cold on her side. An aching loneliness crept over her as well as the remaining shudders from her nightmare. Her heart pounded and she was pouring with sweat, the room still also felt like it was shaking all around her. She must have made some sort of a sound as she glanced across the room to find a pair of bright eyes watching her intently. As soon as they'd made eye contact, Toby jumped up, plodded over the the side of her bed and sat beside her, laying his face next to hers and nuzzling her until her hand came over his head and petted him. Suddenly it was all too much and she nuzzled her face in his fur in return and sobbed until she was all cried out. That night Toby slept up on the bed with her and from then on the three of them had become an inseparable family unit. Until they were torn apart by the IED that almost killed her.
Bernie was shaken from her reverie as Alex stirred in her lap, a sure sign she was waking up. She gave the younger woman some space and time to adjust before trying to talk to her.
"Hello you." There was the hint of a tease in her voice but it was laced with familiar affection.
"Hi. Sorry about that…." Alex ducked her head in embarrassment as she sat herself back up properly, a crick in her neck and her legs stiff but her head much clearer. She was just grateful she'd not dribbled on Bernie in her sleep as it would have added to her embarrassment.
"You needed the sleep." Which had been the whole point after all and Bernie had been more than happy to provide adequate cushioning for her to have settled enough to actually fall asleep.
"How is he?" Alex looked over at Toby, unable to tell if he'd even moved since she'd dozed off.
"No change, but that's not a bad thing." Although, Bernie hated to think it, but she was becoming concerned that time was marching on. If Toby didn't wake up in the next couple of hours, it wasn't looking very promising.
"How long was I asleep?"
"Forty minutes. Enough for an energy boost anyway." They lapsed into a comfortable silence, Bernie understanding that Alex still needed to wake up properly. After a while, Alex suddenly began to speak.
"You know, after the IED…. he wouldn't leave your side while we waited for the air ambulance to fly you back to the UK. Kept nudging at the palm of your hand over the side of the bed." The poor dog had sat there and cried when Bernie had remained unconscious. How he could tell the difference between that and ordinary sleep Alex didn't know, be he obviously did.
"Really?" Bernie had no idea of what had happened to her afterwards, only that Alex had dragged her out of the vehicle to safety and then she woke up in the air on her way back to the UK. She'd never got the chance to say goodbye properly and her phone call to Alex breaking things off had been quick and painful and completely inadequate.
"Yeah. It's why I had to add that piece of Toblerone and the note to your gift basket. You did find it didn't you?" Tears came to Bernie's eyes as she remembered the moment she'd found it and how she'd realised then just what she'd left behind. Suddenly the world seemed to focus in on Alex and Bernie knew that now was her chance to get things out into the open.
"Alex…?" The younger woman angled her body away from Toby to face Bernie and concentrate on what she was about to say.
"Hmm?"
"Serena and I split up." It was said matter of factly, like any other piece of information she'd imparted and not something that had the ability to change their lives forever.
"Oh." Alex steeled herself, suddenly nervous of where this conversation was heading.
"It happened the day I saw you and Toby in the park for the first time. When I caught up with her at the tea room we spoke at length and agreed it was for the best. We've managed to remain good friends though."
"But... that was a month ago! Why haven't you said anything before now?" Alex couldn't believe that Bernie had kept quiet about it all this time.
"Because I didn't want you to think that you were a rebound choice. Serena and I weren't even properly together, well we were but it wasn't serious."
"Sounds more like she was the rebound." Bernie hadn't really thought of it that way but maybe there was something in that explanation, both for herself and for Serena with the breakup of her relationship with Robbie.
"Maybe but it doesn't matter now. Alex, I've really enjoyed these last few weeks with you and Toby, getting to know you both all over again. I'd like us to start our relationship over, properly this time and with the honesty and openness we couldn't have before. I still love you, I've always loved you and I miss you so much." Bernie had caught hold of Alex's hand in hers and fiercely gripped it along with the strength of conviction in her words.
"I don't know Bern… can we really start over with everything that's happened since? You hurt me, broke my heart so much that I didn't know who I was anymore." Tears spilled down Alex's cheeks and Bernie felt that same guilt all over again.
"I know, am I'm ashamed of myself for doing that to you. I was a coward of the worst kind and I'll always be so very sorry. But I think we can start again, I think we owe it to ourselves, and to Toby, to try. I am now free to do whatever I want with my life; I've divorced Marcus and have fully accepted who I am." And then Bernie faltered, that lack of confidence getting the better of her once again. "That is… if you still want me?"
"You're right these last few weeks have been wonderful but also so very painful at the same time. I thought you were with someone else now. Do you know how hard that's been for me, trying to be your friend when all I wanted was to….?" They were interrupted by a whimpering, crying sound coming from Toby's bed and both immediately scrambled over to him. His paws and body jerked a few times in tandem with his whimpers before his eyes opened. He looked groggily up into the anxious faces of his mistresses and let out a pathetic woof by way of greeting.
"I'll get the vet." Bernie offered as she stood up off the floor, Alex was already fussing over Toby and had barely noticed she'd left. The vet took some blood samples and checked Toby over before concluding that he was confident he was on the mend. He gave them a further half an hour for Toby to come fully back to himself and then he'd decide if he was ready to spend the rest of his recovery at home. Alex sat on the floor with Toby's head in her lap, the rest of his body still curled up in the basket for the time being. Bernie remained standing and observed the scene in front of her. "Do you want me to leave you to it?"
"What? No, of course not! Why would you think that?" The last thing Alex wanted was to be left alone, especially now that Toby was about to wake up properly.
"I just thought…" Alex carefully laid Toby's head on a pillow to replace her lap for a moment before she stood to face Bernie.
"We're a family and Toby needs us both if he's going to make a full recovery. I came so close to losing him today and I've already lost you once." She grabbed hold of Bernie's hand and held it tightly with her own. "Yes, I still love you, I've never stopped loving you and I'm willing to try again." At the same time they both leaned forward and their lips met for the first time since Alex had turned up at Holby a few months back. It began tenderly but quickly escalated into a passionate, life-affirming kiss.
Six Months Later - Spring
Toby sprinted across the field as he chased after the ball that had been hurled over his head and off into the distance. Alex clenched the hand which held hers out of instinctive fear. She'd taken quite some persuading to bring Toby back to this park after what had happened to him, but the perpetrator had been caught and was currently awaiting trial. It turned out that a local pest control business had disposed of their out of date bait carelessly and it had ended up in the park. Several dogs had been poisoned over a few days but in the case to be brought against the owner of the firm, there was plenty of evidence and a confidence he'd eventually be found guilty. Sadly two dogs had died but Toby was one of the lucky survivors, which was a good job too as he had plenty to live for!
Toby seemed to have stopped somewhere over into the distance, clearly something had grabbed his attention and Alex shot Bernie a worried look.
"Relax, he's probably just found a friend to play with." Bernie reassured her partner and drew her closer for a moment. She reached out and tucked Alex's slightly too long fringe behind her ear. "Nothing's going to happen to him, I promise." Alex had been prepared to argue that her lover couldn't make those sorts of promises but then Bernie pressed a firm kiss to her lips and any argument died on her tongue as it snaked its way into Bernie's mouth. It didn't last long, public displays of affection were still something that caused Bernie to be acutely aware of her surroundings, but it was enough to stop Alex from overthinking the situation. They slowly meandered their way over to where Toby was, still occupied with something clearly far more interesting than his mistresses.
Toby had caught up to the ball that had been thrown for him and scooped it into his mouth. He'd been just about to head back from where he'd come when he caught the whiff of a familiar scent. He bounded up the the person in question and was delighted when she petted his head as he ran rings around her. He rolled over and offered her his belly, to which she rubbed with equal delight. The young man next to her looked on in surprise but smiled as he realised he recognised the dog. Eventually Bernie and Alex caught up and they were ostensibly ignored by their wayward charge.
"Hello Doctor Bernie and Doctor Alex. We're going to have afternoon tea. Auntie Serena wants me to meet her friend." Bernie smirked and raised a knowing eyebrow at Serena.
"This 'friend' wouldn't happen to be a rather dishy CEO called Graham Scott now would it?" Serena blushed and could have swung for the blonde for all her teasing. Alex looked between the two of them, clearly missing something but trusting Bernie would fill her in later.
"That's right, Auntie Serena said that his name was Graham. A nice old fashioned name. I like it." Jason confirmed and then switched his attention to Toby. "May I pet your dog? I know you've always said that I need to ask before I do."
"Of course, go ahead Jason." Alex answered, confident that Toby and Jason were already well acquainted with each other and they'd both enjoy a few moments of mutual affection. Serena stood and walked around to catch up with her friends now that Toby was occupied with her nephew.
"How's it going?" Bernie asked, keen to get in first before Serena could change the subject. The older brunette let out an exaggerated sigh but chuckled good naturedly,
"Early days but Jason is the litmus test." It was where things had gone wrong with Robbie all those months ago. She'd been lucky that Bernie was already well acquainted with him by the time they begun seeing each other. Serena wasn't confident she'd be so lucky again.
"Graham seems nice, open minded and kind hearted. I think you'll be okay." Bernie reassured her, having already had a brief chat with the man as he'd worked out they had a close friendship and had decided to test the water with her friend before asking Serena out properly.
"I'm glad you think so. I was also going to tell him about my recent relationship history, lest someone get to him first in the guise of being helpful but actually just wanting to gossip." Serena knew all too well how her colleagues could often be 'helpful' in that way.
"Sounds sensible to me." Bernie again confirmed for Serena that it seemed to be the right thing to do.
"And you're okay with him knowing?"
"I have no secrets." Bernie glanced at Alex and smiled gently. "Not anymore. Open book me." It felt good to say it, even though it was still a relative novelty and something she had yet to get entirely used to.
"Good. Right, well. I don't suppose I can put it off for much longer. Come on Jason!" Serena turned to Bernie and Alex and gave them each a peck on the cheek. "Enjoy what's left of your walk."
"Best of luck!" Bernie called out to her as she began to head off to the tea room with Jason in tow. Toby sat and swished his tail in the long grass as he watched them leave.
"Do you think she'll be okay? Is he is nice bloke?" Oddly enough, Alex had grown quite fond of Serena, despite the odd history which had brought them together as friends. For some reason it seemed to work and a strong friendship between the three women had emerged from what had actually been quite a dark and painful time for them all.
"You know what? I think she'll be just fine, I think we all will." Bernie and Alex came together in a soft but passionate kiss. That was until a daft dog with a massive grin and fluffy ears too big for his face came between them and bowled them over into the grass. They spent the ensuing minutes laughing and rolling around as Toby enthusiastically licked them, his own way of expressing his love and gratitude for this wonderful family he belonged to.
Author's Note: Sadly I think this will be my final Bernie/Alex fic, given recent canon events. It's been a fun few months and I've enjoyed every minute writing for these two. Thanks to everyone who has read, commented and liked my work.