Ah, it's so refreshing writing about a 'cheerful' Akatsuki. In my other story Orange, I have to keep them cold and mean. Yeah, so the next chapter is here. Enjoy!
Sasori (The Undaunted)
"Could you please do that somewhere else? You're getting wood shavings in my food," Itachi said, annoyed. The rest of the Akatsuki was eating. Sasori was working on a puppet. On the table. "No," Sasori said simply, and Itachi decided to ignore him, at least for the sake of peace, being the pacifist that he was. Deidara watched intently as his partner fixed the tiny puppet fingers into the miniature puppet. This puppet had long purple hair and big green eyes. It didn't seem to have any hidden weapons. It was too small for actual battle. It was a girl even. Hmm... Deidara thought.
"Who's it for?" Deidara blurted. "Someone," Sasori muttered carelessly. "Who?" Hidan asked, now curious. "No one!" Sasori said, noticing his slip-up. "You just said it was for someone, un," Deidara pointed out. "No I didn't," Sasori said plainly. "You're lying," Pain said, joining the conversation. "No, I'm not," Sasori scoffed. "You won't be able to tell if he's lying. He's a puppet, so his heart won't speed up nor will he give up any telltale signs of lying," Kakuzu said. "Since when are you a specialist on human bodies?" Kisame grinned. Kakuzu shrugged. Sasori rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his puppet.
"Itachi-san, find out with your Sharingan," Kisame suggested. "I can't place a genjutsu on a puppet," Itachi said, not lifting his eyes from his book. "He has a soul, so you can place one on Sasori," Deidara pointed out. "Let me rephrase that: I don't want to," Itachi said coldly.
"Burn..." Hidan snickered and Deidara glared at him. "Come on, Sasori no Danna! Tell us!" Deidara said! Sasori duly ignored him. A lightbulb appeared over Deidara's head and his signature smirk spread across his face. "It's for a girl, isn't it, un?" he asked. If Sasori was surprised, he didn't show it. Deidara decided to press harder. "She's got purple hair, right?" he asked. "Whatever you want to believe," Sasori mumbled. "Her eyes are green," Deidara tried. "This imaginary girl is also 12 inches tall," Sasori said sarcastically, knowing that Deidara was just describing his puppet.
"This is going nowhere, un," Deidara sighed. "Ya think?" Hidan snorted. "You could try bribing him...just not with my money," Kakuzu suggested. "I don't need money for anything," Sasori said. By now, Pain and Itachi had lost interest in the little game Deidara was playing. Hidan and Kakuzu did too. "Maybe he's just making a puppet. He is a puppet-maker," Kisame grinned.
Sasori placed his finishing touches on his miniature puppet. "Okay, I'll tell you who it's for," Sasori said, placing the puppet in a small, brightly-packaged box. "Yes! My persuasive abilities worked!" Deidara cheered. "Actually, no they didn't. I was planning to tell you anyways," Sasori said, rolling his eyes. "It's for my girlfriend. She said she wanted one."
As if on cue, Konan popped out of the kitchen. "Sasori made something for his girlfriend? He's a bigger softie than I thought!" she gushed. Pain nodded."Yeah, who'd have thought that he had emotions?" "And romantic ones at that, un!" Deidara cooed triumphantly. "Haha! They're gonna have little puppet brats!" Hidan cackled. "Expensive brats," Kakuzu scoffed. "Tch. I already knew that," Zetsu bragged (Well, why not? He follows people around for a living!) The Akatsuki began to chatter about Sasori's mysterious girlfriend.
"I now regret my decision to open my mouth," Sasori stated, ticked. Itachi nodded slowly. "I feel you, bro," he said.
Kakuzu (The Frugal)
"Hey, Konan," Kakuzu said suddenly. "Nani?" Konan answered, pausing in the middle of setting a plate in front of Deidara. "What would you like to get for a present?" "Huh? What's this all of a sudden?" Konan asked, putting her hands on her hips. "Just answer the question!" Kakuzu snapped. "Hmm, that's easy! Origami paper!" Konan answered. Kakuzu face-palmed. Hidan snickered. "Typical," Sasori sighed, rolling his eyes. "Not all girls are into that!" Kakuzu stressed. "Oh, you want something a girl would generally like?" Konan asked.
"I'm not really sure..." Konan said after a while. "I've spent so much time with you animals that I've forgotten what it's like to be a normal girl." "Animals and plant," Zetsu corrected. "Ask Deidara," Konan suggested. "Hey! I am not a girl! That is so mean, un!" Deidara sniffed. "You can ask the Akatsuki's resident womanizer," Kisame suggested, looking over at Hidan. "What was that, you fuckin' sushi?!" Hidan growled, though grinning.
"It's obvious though. Girls like shiny things," Sasori stated lazily. "Shiny? Like..?" Kakuzu asked the redhead. "Jewelry. And accessories. Look at Konan, for example," Sasori clarified. "Jewelry is expensive," Kakuzu muttered under his breath. Pain heard that last statement. "Huh? You actually want to buy something?" he asked. "That's none of your business, Leader-sama," Kakuzu said stubbornly. "Oh! So you do!" Kisame stated. "I wonder why..." Deidara wondered, a devilish smirk spreading across his face.
Hidan had an identical look on his face. "Fuckin' forget it, Kakuzu!" He scoffed. "There's no fuckin' way you'll be able to actually fuckin' buy something you're not gonna use." "Who says he isn't going to use it?" Konan asked. "He asked for something a girl would want. He isn't gonna-" Deidara began, then realization struck. "No way! Kakuzu's getting a present for someone, un!" he exclaimed. "Don't be silly. That'd never happen," Sasori sighed, exasperated. "Yeah. This stingy old geezer would never get anyone anything!" Hidan said.
"You forget that this stingy old geezer re-attaches your dissevered body parts!" Konan scolded. "Isn't he giving his time when he does that?" "Yeah, but only cos Leader-sama would want him to," Kisame reasoned. "Regardless," Pain cut in. "I think that counts. The blond is right for once." "Thanks!" Deidara grinned. "Wait! What do you mean for once, un?!"
"So Kakuzu, what is your motive?" Pain asked. 8 pairs of eyes stared at Kakuzu. "Fine then," Kakuzu relented. "I do want to buy something for a girl." "Who is it?" Deidara asked excitedly. "It's obviously Konan," Kisame said. "Bullshit. They fuckin' hate each other!" Hidan objected.
"You're all idiots!" Itachi snapped, shocking everyone into silence. "I haven't even been paying attention to this little squabble, yet the answer is dead obvious! Can't someone read a newspaper over breakfast in peace?!" "I'm with Itachi on this one," Zetsu said from his spot in the middle of the ground. "Well, of course you would know," Sasori said, losing his patience. "You would too, Sasori no Danna!" Deidara said. "You both have eyes and ears everywhere!" "I'd rather not waste valuable spies on someone like Kakuzu," Sasori flared. "Fuck, that hurt!" Hidan grinned, speaking for his partner, who was watching them with amusement.
"If you're all done squabbling now, would you let me finish my statement?" Kakuzu asked. "Please do," Itachi sighed. "Good. I do want to get a present for someone. A girl in particular: my new girlfriend." Kakuzu declared.
"Um...excuse me...your what?" Sasori asked. "Seriously, dude?!" Hidan exclaimed. "That was unexpected," Konan managed. Pain could only nod.
"Jeez, don't act so surprised," Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes. "Hey Kakuzu! Does this girl know how old you really are?" Deidara blurted. Silence.
"Of course she d-" Kakuzu began, but couldn't quite complete that statement. "I just remembered, I have to start preparing dinner! I mean breakfast! Ugh! Brunch! I mean...LUNCH!" Konan stammered, bolting away. "I was actually working on a new sculpture, un. I guess I'll go...um...continue...sculptur-ing," Deidara said, also making his escape. "It's sacrifice time!" Hidan said. "I'll go back sure Konan isn't cooking sea food," Kisame said, slinking away. Sasori didn't even bother making an excuse. He just got up and left. Only Pain, Zetsu and Itachi were left with Kakuzu.
"That turned out more interesting than I thought it would.." Itachi smirked, turning to the next page of his newspaper. "I agree," White Zetsu snickered. "Kakuzu?" Pain asked, unsure of what was going on in the mind of the bounty hunter. "The kids of nowadays," Kakuzu sighed, seemingly not affected by this at all. "They have mouths on them. Then they lie as if I wouldn't be able to see through them." "So that didn't bother you at all?" Pain asked surprised. "Of course not," Kakuzu said as if it was obvious. "Then why didn't you complete your sentence?" Pain asked accusingly. "Oh, that? I blanked out because I was considering the best possible way to torture the local jeweler into selling me a diamond bracelet at the price of a piece of candy!"
Itachi (The Calm )
Itachi got to breakfast late, which was unusual for him. "He's staring at nothing, un," Deidara whispered to his partner. "I don't care," Sasori scoffed. "Where the fuck is Kisame?" Hidan asked, screwing his pinky into his ear to show that he didn't really care. "Beats me," Kakuzu answered, staring at his wallet as if hoping it would magically spit out more money.
Konan emerged from the kitchen with a large tea kettle, and began pouring in tea for everyone, starting with Itachi. "Whoops!" Konan gasped. The still-full tea kettle was slightly heavy and her hand slipped, spilling some tea onto the table and Itachi's lap. "This is bad," Deidara gulped. Itachi stared down at his legs, his bangs covering his eyes. He seemed to be shaking in anger. "You've done it now," Sasori told Konan. "He's mad," Hidan said, scooting away from him slightly. "Why isn't he saying anything?" Konan whimpered, scared for her life. "Silent killers are the deadliest," Pain said.
At that moment, Kisame strolled into dining room, and placed his hand on Itachi's shoulder. "Yo!" he grinned at his partner. Itachi seemingly snapped, and he raised his head slowly to look at Kisame. "Run for cover!" everyone other than the nonchalant Sasori and the deadly Itachi thought at Kisame. "Ah, Kisame, when did you get here?" Itachi asked slowly. Then he noticed a burning feeling on his skin and looked down. "Huh? How did this tea get here?" Deidara, Hidan and Konan let out a sigh of relief, and simultaneously sweat-dropped with Sasori, Pain, Kakuzu and Zetsu.
"You didn't notice?" Kisame blinked. "Jeez, Itachi-san! You're more absent-minded than usual!" "Are you sick?" Konan asked, gingerly putting a hand on his forehead. "Lovesick, maybe," Zetsu snickered. Itachi snapped out of his daze and growled, "Shut up, Zetsu!" "Lovesick?" Deidara asked, cocking his head to one side. "Itachi? Impossible," Pain said. "Not necessarily," Konan said. "You can't control love. Love is for everyone, no matter how tough on the outside. Everyone desires romance deep down." "I think you just fuckin' made me BARF in my MOUTH!" Hidan choked.
Itachi rolled his eyes. "Really, Itachi-san? You're in love and you didn't tell me?" Kisame whined with a mischievous grin on his face. "Oh, please. I am not in love," Itachi scoffed, glaring at Kisame, then Zetsu. "Then what is it? You're not yourself today," Konan asked. "I'm myself. Who else would I be?" Itachi asked sarcastically. "I see he's back to normal," Sasori stated. "You know what I mean!" Konan snapped. "Ugh! Never mind!" And with that she stomped into the kitchen.
"Why not just tell them, Itachi?" Zetsu taunted. "Tell us what?" Pain asked. "It's nothing," Itachi said calmly. "It doesn't seem like nothing," Pain retorted. "With all due respect, Leader-sama, I'd like to end this conversation," Itachi said firmly. "Suit yourself," Pain shrugged. Then he turned to Zetsu. "Spill!" he commanded.
"Itachi has a girl!" White Zetsu practically sang. "A mistress?" Pain asked. "Wow, Itachi. I didn't think you were that kind of guy..." Deidara said, looking at Itachi with wide eyes. "That's not it!" Itachi snapped, Sharingan clicking into place. "Really? Then what?" Sasori asked, regarding Itachi with half-closed eyes. "I do have a girl, but I am definitely not lovesick." His voice was monotone, as it usually was. He wasn't lying.
Kisame laughed. "I actually can't say I expected that!" he said. "Should've made it a bet..." Kakuzu muttered. "If you're not...ugh...lovesick...then why were you all zoned out when you came in?" Hidan demanded. "I was thinking, something I doubt you even know how to do," Itachi said in the same monotone voice. "Motherfucker..." Hidan growled. "Well, he does have a point..." Pain said. "Three, actually," Sasori said, noticing Hidan pull out his scythe. "Three rather sharp points at that," Kisame chuckled.
"What were you thinking about, Itachi?" Pain asked patiently. "How beautiful she is," Deidara teased. "How to describe her in a fuckin' poem," Hidan snickered. "How to butcher Hidan and Deidara," Itachi said, his monotone voice projecting just how serious he was. "Actually, Leader-sama, I was thinking of a fitting riddle to ask her," Itachi said to Pain. "A riddle?" Kisame raised his blue eyebrows. "Yes. To test her," Itachi replied. "That's cold. Why would you want to test your girlfriend, un?" Deidara queried.
"Unlike you, she actually likes to think," Itachi said smoothly. "Thinking of a fuckin' riddle shouldn't be hard for you," Hidan scoffed. "You fuckin' speak in riddles!" "True," Kisame agreed. "I wouldn't expect you of all people to have trouble coming up with a confusing statement," Sasori shrugged. "She's smart. She'll figure it out if I just throw any random question at her," Itachi said.
"As expected of the girl who Itachi chose, un," Deidara said solemnly. "Hey! Let's bet on whether or not Itachi's girlfriend will answer Itachi's question correctly," Kakuzu suggested.
Pain (The Multi-bodied)
Pain finished his breakfast before anyone else. "Don't you usually take one bite an hour?" Deidara asked, surprised. "No I don't. And even if I did, I don't have the luxury of time today," Pain said, a bit miffed. "Why not? Do you have a mission today?" Konan asked. "No. I'm meeting someone," Pain said. "Really? Who?" Kisame asked. Pain didn't bother trying to hide. "My girlfriend," he said bluntly.
"Whoa! Pain has a fuckin' bitch! No way! You must be fuckin' bullshitting me!" Hidan cackled. "I'm not 'fuckin' bullshitting' anyone," Pain said with a frown. "What about Konan? I thought you two were together," Sasori stated. Konan put her hands on her hips. "We're childhood friends!" she objected. "All the more reason," Kisame grinned, making Konan roll her eyes.
"Naa, Leader-sama? Are you going in that body?" Deidara asked. "Yes? What's wrong with it?" Pain asked. "Since you're meeting a girl, why don't you use the Human Path instead? Girls dig long hair, un!" he suggested with a grin. "Yes. On them," Kakuzu said sarcastically. "Look who's talking," Itachi deadpanned. "Itachi's considered attractive, right?" Kisame asked. "Go with the Animal Path, then. He has a long ponytail, like Itachi!" "My hair isn't as long as the Animal Path's," Itachi sighed. "His hair is more on par with Deidara's." "Excuse me! My hairstyle is original! A piece of art itself, un!" Deidara scoffed. "Really? Then why hasn't it gone boom yet?" Sasori smirked.
"You should go with the Asura Path!" Hidan said. "Bitches fuckin' SCREAM when they see a triangular head covered in piercings!" he cackled. "I'm not sure that's the kind screaming Leader-sama would want," Kakuzu sighed, annoyed with his partner.
"Enough!" Pain said quietly, though his charisma made it seem like he had announced it over a super-megaphone. "She knows me in this form, so in this form I will go." "Hm? She doesn't know about the other paths?" Deidara asked. "Of course not!" Pain snapped. "You can use that to your advantage..." Itachi mused aloud. "How?" Pain asked. "To confirm her loyalty, of course," Itachi said. "I think I know what Itachi-san means..." Kisame said. "Me too," Sasori said. "Since she doesn't know all your bodies, you can woo her with one of your more attractive bodies and see if she takes the bait."
"That's kinda harsh, Sasori no Danna, un," Deidara said. "No matter how loyal, a girl will still swoon if someone wooed her, though she might not necessarily fall for him." "All hail Deidara, the Bitch Whisperer!" Hidan cackled. "Don't call me that, un!" "Deidara is right, surprisingly," Konan sighed. "Whaddya mean 'surprisingly'?!" Konan ignored him. "I'm sure even the most faithful girlfriend would be happy to get flattered, even if she doesn't show it." "This conversation is going nowhere," Pain sighed.
"Plus, if I wanted to make sure she was faithful, I'd send Zetsu after her." The Akatsuki looked at the mutant plant sticking its head out of the floor. "It must be tough having two personalities," Kakuzu said. "All of Pain's bodies have the same personality." "Do you think we could change that?" Kisame wondered. "Maybe if we performed a surgery on each of their brains..." Sasori suggested. "I could do that," Kakuzu offered. They all turned to look at Pain. "Uh, guys?" Pain tried. No use. They were all imagining what it'd be like to have a nice Leader. "Remember, I'm your leader!" Pain said, getting nervous. They were all staring at him with those eyes; Itachi's Sharingan clicked into place, Deidara's eye scope whirred, Sasori's brown eyes turned glassy, Kakuzu's pink-and-teal eyes filled with greed, Hidan's purple glinted menacingly, Kisame's shark-eyes looked hungry. Together, they were more scary than Pain's Rinnegan!
"Run."
Next is the Special Edition Tobi! Stay tuned! And don't forget to comment! No seriously: I crave the comments.