Chapter 2

In this chapter we will explore Rick's POV his reactions, realizations and coping mechanisms. I want to give fair relevance to both of them. I know you can't see the light yet in this story but please stick with me. Hope you'll enjoy

"Listen, I was planning on calling you.."

Her voice has always been his weakness, it could easily hypnotize his mind just by the soft sound of it and her words, those words, he's been longing to hear them for quite a bit now. Honestly he didn't think he would have heard them in such a relatively short time.

"Really? Well, here I am, ruggedly handsome and at your service. What do you need?"

The moment he met her eyes he sensed she was uncomfortable with his statement, though he felt a strong hopeful feeling he couldn't prevent from letting it noticed.

"Uhm, I was just hoping I could stop by the loft later on...cause I need to pick up the rest of my stuff"

He felt something he wasn't very used to, something he rarely experienced in his life. Defeat.

Not that he's never been let down, he tasted the bitterness of life, of difficulties, obstacles and most important of disappointment but he never felt defeated, he actually refused to feel that way because he knows very well that sometimes it can be a point of no return, a point where you cannot see a way out. That's way he always managed to rise from dark situations, he vowed after his first real disappointment during the course of his life that he would always fight back, he would always react positively, to never feel defeated.

This time though felt different. He was torn between waiting for the love of his life or just let it go. Could he keep swimming counter current for the rest of his life?

"..Absolutely..anytime"

It stung. A burning sensation that cut his breath short and left him dealing with a myriad of emotions.

He couldn't be in this place anymore, he wanted space. Ugh...even the sound of that little word felt so wrong but apparently is what people ask for very often lately.

After a time that passed so quickly but felt so heavily long he found himself descending in the precinct's elevator towards the escape he was longing for. He needed to think and rationalize everything that happened earlier within those two minutes.

He'd been walking for at least 20 minutes towards an undefined destination when his phone rang showing Alexis' ID and picture on the display . He didn't want to answer, he wasn't in a good state of mind and didn't want to uselessly worry his daughter so he opted for declining her call. He didn't have e specific destination so he figured that there was no point in keeping walking around the city and decided that was better if he headed home so he hailed a cab and gave the driver his address.

When he entered the loft he soon realized it was empty. His mother had probably headed to the Hamptons a little earlier than what she had planned and Alexis should be somewhere studying for her classes, at least he hoped so. He was experiencing that feeling when everything in your life doesn't make any sense and you don't have a damn idea of how to put the pieces together.

A mess. That's what his life was right now.

Chaos. That's what his head felt right now.

And he had no clue how to fix this.

He was sitting on the edge of the couch holding his head between his hands. His temples were pounding for how hard he was thinking though his thoughts were just a back and forth of informations trying to analyze every single detail from the moment she walked out of that damn door to this early morning when she took another piece of his heart. Actually it wasn't about his heart anymore, the truth is that he lost it to her a long time ago, no..it was about his mind, he just didn't want to deal with his mind anymore, too painful, too hard.

While he was meticulously retracing that series of events trying to understand what he did wrong, which wrong step he took or what bad decision he made that led them to this shattering situation he all of a sudden realized that he never spent a moment trying to figure the reason behind Kate decision and her current behavior. He never, not even once, looked for the story.

He's sure as hell there's a lot she's not telling him, he vowed to trust her, always, so why does it feel like he's been betrayed? His confusion was growing drastically and slowly leading to an odd and unexpected feeling of anger. He lifted his head from its resting position between his hands and fixed his look towards his office, his refuge, the same place where the name 'Nikki Heat' first saw the light of the day, where his new life began and where his precious muse slowly turned into his loved wife. When he first wrote about her he was nothing but exited and hopeful, so hopeful and challenged by the mystery that was Kate Beckett and never once he could have imagined that one day that beautiful and frustrating woman would become his wife and now...now here he was trying to find a clue if she still wanted to be his wife, if the marriage they worked so hard for would last despite the countless tests that life constantly submitted them. He knows, no..he's sure of one thing though, if they'll ever get through this mess they would be invincible.

He loves her. Sometimes it's joyful sometimes it's painful and it's uncontrollable, sometimes he questions his sanity, he doesn't know if it's even humanly possible to love someone like he loves her but he does and it's essential for his being. That's what he's sure about.

He got up from the couch and headed to his...their..bedroom. The sun was now setting and the feeble late-evening light was filtering through the windows. He noticed a particular strong ray of sun settling on a sparkling silver frame, the intense twinkle upsetting his eyes almost in a mocking way. When his eyes finally adjusted he realized the object hit by the late sun, their wedding photo. It was her favorite picture of that beautiful day almost a year ago, he didn't particularly like it because she had her back to the camera concealing her face while he was turned midway staring at her but she explained to him that the reason she loved that photo was the look of pure love in his eyes while admiring her for the first time as his wife. He sighed picking up the photo and then headed to his bed where he sat and put the frame on his bedside table.

He didn't bother to divest he just took is shoes off and crawled under the sheets. He felt so uncomfortable alone in their bed shivering for her presence he could still feel beside him, truth be told, if he closed his eyelids and let his mind slightly wander he could feel the weight of her sleeping body pressed to his chest, he could see her back slowly rise and fall timing her breath and he could smell the intense scent radiating from her hair. The moment his head touched his pillow he felt like if a weight had been lifted from his chest, his head felt lighter and soon sleepiness invaded his body.

He woke up to the smell of pancakes and fresh coffee filling his nostrils.

He got up of bed put on his flannel robe and entered the living room area through his office.

There she was, his beautiful daughter sipping coffee from her college mug and reading a newspaper. She seemed so grown up he wished he could just go back to the start e relive every single beautiful moment he spent with his little girl, he wished he could have that experience all over again. There's been a time when he was so sure that soon that day was coming, he could feel it, with Kate. But how much time does he have to wait for her?

Will he still be in time to become a parent again?

He shrugged and managed to store that thought in a remote part of his brain.

"Hey sweetheart, up so early?"

"' Hey dad, yeah I have class this morning and I wanted to have a decent breakfast before heading out, why are you up? It's just 7:15 am you could have slept a little longer." Alexis noticed her father appearance and especially the dark circles under his eyes.

"Well..your pancakes woke me up" Castle stated unconvincing.

"Mm, I see. So it's the smell of pancakes that caused that horrible look on your face?"

"Thank you Alexis, no actually I didn't sleep very well last night"

"So I guess this new arrangement is finally affecting your sleep, isn't it? Maybe it's just stress dad or maybe you should simply find some closure to the situation or.. maybe...you should talk to her, call her"

"Yeah well, thank you for your introspection session and I appreciate your concern but what I do know right now is that I don't owe her a call and I'm not gonna do that just because I can't manage to sleep properly. "

She shrugged and waited a few seconds before voicing her thoughts again. "You know what dad, it seems like I've already seen this whole thing, last time you were too proud to ask for an explanation and she was too coward to give you one, though you weren't together and a lot of things has changed in the meantime most importantly you two got married and dad, I don't absolutely take sides but I have to say that Kate has changed a lot during this years, you have to give her this."

Her voice was a little shaky, afraid that she might say the wrong thing and screw everything up.

"I'm sorry Alexis but I don't see your point". Castle was getting a little frustrated by his daughter insinuations but didn't want to look annoyed.

"What I'm trying to say is that there must be a logical explanation to what she did".

He held his gaze to her for a time that seemed infinite then looked down to a non specific point on the counter, his brows furrowed over his thoughts.

"Maybe I just don't want logical anymore".