She took a ballpoint and started writing on her notebook…
I was hospitalized for a week and now I need to see a psychologist every week. It all happened because of my huge love for smoothie (aka alcohol). I guess what people say is true; 'don't love too much because that too much will hurt you so much!' I can't believe my lovely smoothie betrayed me, stabbed me from the back and almost make me say goodbye to the world. How could you? After what we've been through! And what does all of this have to do with depression? I drank because I loved it. People drink anyway. Are they all depressed? And what is depression anyway? A sad feeling? I don't feel sad at all! I just feel … umm I don't know how I feel. And okay maybe I don't even know what I want and what to do. But I know one thing for sure, I AM NOT DEPRESSED. Anyway, going to a psychologist doesn't seem a bad idea. It's nice to have someone to talk to and Dr. Grace seems like someone I can trust. Though, I still found it really hard to open up due to my nature to sweep things under a rag or hide behind the word 'okay'. Well yeah, I hide behind the word 'okay' and the gangs (fine, good) all the time. Gosh! These words are so powerful. They always save me from any potential dramatic situation and unnecessary conflicts. There are thousand meanings behind these magic words. That's why, when Dr. Grace asked me how I felt about myself, I replied 'good' because in my holy dictionary, 'good' means also 'I don't know'. My mind was blank at the time. I had no idea to answer it. But let me do some self-investigation now. Do I feel good? Not really! Do I feel bad? Not really! Am I sad? Not Really! Am I happy? Not Really! Wait! I don't understand this. I don't really know how I feel; I don't really know what I want and what to do. So, what's the point I am here? Gosh, I think I'm lost…
"Lost?"
"Yeah Doctor, I am lost but I am not depressed."
Dr Grace smiled. "You're not. If you're lost then it's your chance to find yourself. "
"How am I gonna find myself Doctor, when I don't even know who I really am."
"Exactly, I think we can start from answering that question. Who are you? "
"Who am I?"
Dr. Grace leaned forward. "Yeah, who are you? Try to think about it!"
Miriam scratched her head. "Umm I am just a married woman with two children."
"Come on, I think you're more than that. Think about who you are as an individual," said Dr Grace calmly.
Miriam tried to picture herself alone; an image of her lying around with a glass of smoothie on her hand popped up on her head.
An alcoholic married woman with two children? Haha…
"Like I said doc, I don't know."
Dr. Grace wrote something on her clipboard as usual. "Okay, can you tell me when the last time you felt so happy or sad?"
Miriam looked up for a while and then looked down for a while and last looked at Dr. Grace in a clueless expression. "I can't remember any of it Doctor. All this time, I was just lying around, getting drunk." Miriam gave a heavy sigh.
"And how did you feel when you were drunk? happy or ? "
"Umm I don't think I felt happy, when I was drunk I just felt …somewhat free."
"Oh, free from what?"
"Umm from…nothing-ness, sometime I drank just to feel something, see?"
Dr. Grace nodded. "So have you started writing journal?"
"I have and here I am questioning lots of things," said Miriam, as she folded her arms.
"That's good; it means you communicate well with your inner self. Please keep it up. I suggest you to look back and remember some moments in your life and write all that down. Use this chance to re-experience some past events, the best one and the worst one. That way, you will probably find some clues about who you are, what you want and all of other questions." said Dr Grace.
Miriam looked away and sighed. "But doc what if…what if…After I find myself I have to lose everything in return?"
Dr. Grace smiled. "Don't worry, when you have yourself you have everything."
Miriam sat at dining table, her chin rested on her palm. Some questions were still clouding up her mind.
"I 'm home!"
Miriam turned her head, her eyes grew wide as she saw her daughter emerged. "Ah Helga, please sit down, I have a question for you."
"What?" Helga sat at the chair.
"Who are you?" Let's see what everyone got…
Helga looked startled. "You okay Miriam?"
"I am okay Honey, just answer the question, will you?"
"Who am I?" Helga raised her voice along with her fist, "Huh! Everyone knows I am mean, cruel, bossy …" Helga took a dramatic sigh, clasping her hands together. "And yet..."
"And yet?" Miriam leaned forward.
Helga shook her head. "And yet that's what makes me special Miriam haha." She laughed evilly.
Miriam just blinked couldn't say a thing.
"I think I better go upstairs."
Helga went upstairs, leaving Miriam alone with her confusion. Miriam sighed and rested her chin back on her palm, daydreaming. Helga's answer was absurd but at least she could define herself.
"I 'm home!"
Miriam turned her head, this time she saw her husband coming in.
"Ah B, Let's talk. I have a question for you."
Bob sat at the chair. "Alright but make it snappy, my favorite TV show is about to start." He glanced at his watch.
"I just wanna ask who are you."
Bob looked startled.
"And oh I am okay B, just answer the question." Miriam anticipated.
"Who am I?" Bob stroked her chin. "You know who I am Miriam! I am a beeper king. I am the best of the best person in the whole entire world. Some people call me cruel and bossy though, but that's what makes me so powerful haha." He laughed evilly.
Miriam slapped her forehead and sighed in frustration. "Like father like daughter."
Miriam lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. A piece of smile appeared on her face. Deep down, she was excited about the whole mission to find herself thing.
She pulled out the purple notebook beneath her pillow, ready to pour some pieces of her memories into it.
Hmm where do I start?
Response to review
EJ & Guest: Thank you so much xD here's the update, I hope you guys enjoy it xD