Taking a seat on the chair next to Stuart's bed. Murdoc makes himself comfortable, then looks over at the cringing younger man hiding under the bedclothes.
"You know what I think Faceache?" he says to the shaking lump in front of him. Slowly 2D lifts the blanket enough to make a hole large enough to peer out at him.
"Wot?"
"I don't think that you are having sleeping problems. I think that you're just pulling my leg with this shit, simply because you're lonely," the bassist smirks, then swigs on his bottle of Captain Morgan. Shocked at that Stuart pulls the blanket down completely and stares at the musician with his mouth opening and closing, while he tries to find the words to express his distress.
"No, it's cause that whale out there..." He finally manages with the stab of a finger at his window. "...scares the crap out of me, and I can't bloody sleep bruv." Not even remotely interested in his singers difficulties. But willing to prove him wrong. The bassist puts the bottle down beside his chair, stands up and slapping Stuart aside as he climbs up onto his mattress. Reaches for the curtain and snaps it open.
"What damn whale?" Instantly seeing the creatures huge bloodshot eye staring straight back at him. Murdoc blinks at it in astonishment, then slowly closes curtain again. Thinking quickly, he decides to behave as though he saw nothing. "Okay so the story that I have for you tonight, is about two stupid kids. One rich little bugger and one poor one."
"You saw the whale right?" Stuart nods slowly, wringing his hands together nervously. "That big googly eye looking back at you?" Holding his hands up in front of his eyes, Stuart waggles his fingers at the bassist. Irritated by this Murdoc slaps them away again and grits his teeth hard.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," he lies, determined not to let the younger man distract him. "Now do you want this damn story or not?" Sighing in defeat and slumping down in the bed. The singer gives up and lets the bassist have his way.
"Yes please."
"The Prince and the Pauper. Originally scrawled onto a bit of bog paper, by Mark Twain. Cue the dramatic music. Woo hoooo wooo, taaaah dum dee dah, bleh. Whatever. The longest damn tale I've ever read. So I shall now do a bit of magic. You like magic, don't you Dee?" Hearing this and brightening quickly. Stuart sits back up and nods excitedly.
"Yeah bruv."
"Oh good. Now watch me take this huge story..." Murdoc holds his hands out wide. "...and break it down to something small," He closes them again until he's staring between the gap between his finger and thumb. "Kind of like your brain." He grins coldly. Not quite catching the significance straight away, Stuart claps his hands.
"Yay!" It suddenly strikes home and he pauses, thinking about it. "Wait, what?" Ignoring this, Murdoc takes a swig of rum and begins telling the story.
"So there was this queen lying in bed one day, with her legs spread asunder." He opens his arms wide, to give a visual to the still confused singer muttering about the last thing that he'd said. "She squeaks a bit and POP. Out shoots a kid. Which bounces off the wall and into the arms of some bastard king. Aww how nice. Now he racks off with the slippery little beggar while the queen has a little nap. While she's doing that another little beggar slips out from under her nightie and a passing maid spots it. Now this maid's a bit of a kleptomaniac and because there's no one around, she picks up the kid and wraps it in a blanket, then racks off home with it." Furrowing his brow at that, Stuart looks hard at the older man.
"Why did she steal the queens baby Muds?" he asks.
"Food," the bassist replies without even a moment's hesitation.
"Eww," Stuart groans in disgust and pulls the blanket back up over his head.
"Not really," Murdoc reasons with a slow shake of his head. "At that age they're not so bad. They get a bit on the stringy side if you leave them for a while though." Stuart's eyes widen in shock and he covers his ears, not wanting to listen any more. "Anyway. Years pass, as they do, and the little beggar's grow up. One is surrounded by idiot servants, while the other one's surrounded by rats and garbage." Unsuccessful in his attempt to block the story out. Stuart pulls the blanket back down again.
"I thought the maid was gunna eat the baby?" he states firmly.
"Well she didn't," Murdoc sighs in frustration. Thinking about that while Murdoc takes another swig from his bottle, Stuart becomes more confused.
"Why?" Spluttering into his bottle, Murdoc wipes his mouth with an arm, thinking quickly.
"Errr, syphilis. She went nuts and was far too busy standing on the corner pretending to be a phone box, to go worrying about eating the sprog," he replies. This makes Stuart slit his eyes suspiciously and look back at him rather hard.
"I thought this story was written back when the Tudors were in-" Instantly slapping a hand over his mouth and pulling away when he sees the older man pull back a fist as if getting ready to hit him. Stuart makes the decision that it will be best not to finish that sentence. Satisfied with that, Murdoc lowers his fist again.
"The poor beggar wanders off one day and sees the rich one playing in his back yard. The rich one spots him and says, "Oi, poor prick! Get your bum in here." So the poor beggar climbs the wall and stands in front of the rich one. They change clothes and the rich one climbs the wall and racks off. The poor one runs inside and eats all the food. The rich beggar thinks that poor idiots have been having much more fun, but he quickly finds out that that certainly weren't true. So he has a little tear about it." Murdoc feigns sadness and pouts. "Awwww, you pussy. The poor beggar had thought that being rich would be great. But he quickly finds out that there's all these rules and work and shit, and he don't like that much either. So he has a little tear as well. Awwww. What. A. Tool. But he does like the idea that it at least comes with toys and shit. Now time passes and the rich beggar decides that he's a bit tired of smelling like fish. So he racks off back to the palace and demands to be let inside. But the captain of the guard says, "Piss off you little toe rag, then drop kicks him into a puddle."
"That was mean of him," Stuart says, suddenly quite interested in the story.
"Not really. At least now he doesn't smell of fish. He smells of sewerage instead," Murdoc shrugs.
"Eww. Stinky fish," Stuart winces, holding his nose. Amused by that the bassist chuckles.
"Yep. Which is almost exactly what fish smells like after you've eaten it anyway. Just cut out the middle man, and get right down to the nitty gritty," he continues.
"Bleh," the singer grunts, making a sick face. "That must have hurt coming out then." He reasons vaguely.
"What?" Murdoc asks, raising an unseen eyebrow.
"Stinky gritty fish. Probably all the sand?" Stuart explains with a nod. The bassist blinks at him in confusion, then decides it will be best just to agree with him.
"Yeah. Nothing worse than having sand in your arsehole." He then shakes the sound of static out of his head and continues reading the story. "Anyway, the poor kid is having fun playing with the other kids toys, when he's suddenly dragged in front of the queen and told that his dad is dead. Eh." He shrugs, unconcerned by that. "So he finds out that he's going to be crowned king and has to stop playing with toys. He doesn't like that at all, but there's nothing that he can do about it. The tosser. The rich kid hears that his dad is dead and he has a little tear as well. Then he realises that the poor kid is gunna be crowned instead of him, and that's when he looses his rag. He drop kicks a passing rat and storms back to the palace, demanding to be let inside. The captain of the guard spots him again and walks over to him. "You again?" Then drop kicks him into the puddle again. The day of the ceremony arrives and there's much partying and food and orgies and shit...
"They needed better indoor plumbing. What with all the pooh around the place," the singer suddenly says, bringing Murdoc to a grinding halt. He once again shakes the static out of his head and thinks about that.
"Shit is just natures way of telling you that you're alive you know."
"That's true I suppose. If you don't pooh, you die," the singer mumbles, sucking on the tip of a finger while thinking about it.
"Violently," Murdoc grins evilly. Lifting his head sharply and looking over at the bassist, Stuart wrinkles his nose at that in a mix of shock and confusion.
"Really?"
"BOOM!" the bassist shouts, miming an explosion by flinging his arms wide.
"Gah!" 2D grunts, ducking under his arms. "There'd be pooh flying in all directions!" he grins in amusement.
"Exactly," Murdoc smiles, folding his arms over his chest and pulling himself up straight with authority. "So now you know why there's so much shit everywhere. It's from all the exploding idiots that are just so full of it that they-" He gestures for the singer to complete the sentence.
"Explode." Stuart smiles warmly. "Oh, now I get it, thanks Muds."
"I'd say any time, but I'd be lying. Anyway, do you want the rest of this story or not?"
"Yes please, shutting up now," the singer replies and gets more comfortable.
"So the poor kid is in his room getting dressed and the rich kid is digging a little hole under the fence. The captain of the guard spots him and drags him under the fence, takes him to the front gate and-" Once again Murdoc gestures for Stuart to finish the sentence.
"Drop kicks him into the puddle." The singer smiles.
"Good oh. The poor kid is driven to Westminster Abbey and the rich kid spots him. He runs through the streets, jumping over homeless people, dodging rats and diving around piles of rubbish. Until he finally gets there. He climbs up a wall just as the poor kid arrives. And when the poor kid sits on the throne, the rich kid cries out, "Oi! That's my damn chair you sod!" The captain of the guard grabs him and is about to take him outside to-" Gestures to Stuart again.
"Drop kick him into a puddle."
"When the poor kid stands up and says, "Oi, put that down. You don't know where it's been." The captain of the guard has a little tear, awww. And drops the rich kid. Who then runs up to the poor kid and shoves him out of the way and says, "He's me.. I mean, I'm him... Just crown me you bastards!" The queen looks at the two boys and sees that they're twins. She shrugs and says, "I see what you did there. And you know what, he's better than you because he's not a snobby little bastard like you are, so ner. Guards, take that outside and drop kick it into a puddle." The captain of the guard says, "Yay," and drags the kicking and screaming rich kid outside, and-" Gestures again to Stuart who giggles.
"Drop kicks him into a puddle."
"Exactly. So the poor kid becomes king. The rich kid becomes a bitter twisted old troll with dreams of revenge and matricide. Until he finally contracts leprosy from being constantly drop kicked into puddles of sewerage. And both of his legs drop off. Then he goes completely crazy and decides to eat one of his arms as well. Which then causes him to die from blood loss. But at least he didn't die hungry."
"That was kind of sad at the end. I mean, why couldn't they both live in the palace? He was her kid to." Stuart reasons sadly.
"Sibling rivalry." Murdoc shrugs and closes the book. "Nasty business. Like it or not Faceache, it's a fact of life. Now, time to sleep."
"I don't know how I feel about that story Muds?" Is suddenly struck in the head with a pillow. "Ow."
"How did that feel?" Murdoc asks him.
"Painful," Stuart replies, rubbing the back of his head.
"Well there you go," the bassist smiles, dropping the pillow back down onto Stuart's bed.
"Um... Okay?" The singer raises eyebrow in confusion, but he then lies down anyway.
"So everybody's happy then." Murdoc claps his hands loudly and stands up. "Now, time to hunt me a whale, yargh." 2D sits up sharply, staring at the retreating figure in shock and disbelief.
"You did see it!" he shouts at him, watching the door slam shut. "Bastard," he mutters angrily and pulls blanket over head.