chaptertwo
ladlesandjellyspoons

---

Roxas hated every minute of it. It was cruel and harsh and mean. He would rather tear out his eyes and play golf with them than live through this torture.

"Roxieeee! Can we have some ice creeeeeam?"

He bashed his head on the table.

"Just some sea salt ice cream, Roxie, pweeeeease?"

"No," he answered. His face was still squashed against the table so they obviously didn't hear his muffled voice, because they continued to whine, "Pleeeease, Roxie? Pweeeeeease?"

"Look, I said no!" he grimaced. "Just leave me alone!"

Sora blinked. "But Roxie, Mummy said you had to look after us!"

"I am looking after you," Roxas hissed. "Ice cream is full of sugar crap that makes you go hyper. And if you go hyper, I will strangle you. Therefore I am doing a very good job of looking after you by not giving you any."

"But Roxie-" Kairi protested.

"No," he growled. "Now sit down and shut up. The contest starts soon."

Instead of the 'yay', 'woo', or 'go Roxie!' he would have normally received from the two six year olds, all he got was an eerie silence.

"Okay," Kairi whispered meekly, fidgeting in her seat.

"Do good," Sora mumbled, rubbing the tip of his oversized butter yellow shoe into the ground.

Roxas frowned. He should have been glad that their happy-happy-hyper moods had evaporated, but he wasn't. Something was wrong, and he couldn't quite place his finger on it. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Why aren't you-"

"LADLES AND JELLY SPOONS!" the fat commentator bellowed through a megaphone, interrupting several conversations. He paused for a moment to chuckle at his joke, although no one else did. Probably because it wasn't funny. Probably because it wasn't very original. Probably because it was offensive to ladles. And jelly spoons. Probably because everyone was so damn bored they didn't even notice that anyone had said anything.

"AHEM! I said, LADLES AND JELLYSPOONS!" he repeated, the megaphone quivering from his insolent vibrations. "LADLES AND JELLYSPOONS! AHEH!"

He pressed his finger to his ear, apparently being spoken to by his pissed-off boss via an earpiece.

"Oh… erm… right…" he murmured, then turned back to the crowds gathered around the sandlot, waiting expectantly.

"EH… LADLES- I MEAN, ERR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," he muttered bitterly, the noise still booming. "IT IS A DELIGHT TO HAVE YOU HERE TODAY ON BEHALF OF MY EMPLOYERS ALL THE COMPETITORS AND MYSELF I WOULD LIKE TO WISH YOU A VERY NICE DAY AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY YOURSELVES DURING THIS TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR THERE IS A LOT OF COMPETITION SO WE HAVE NO CLUE WHO WILL WIN AND WE WISH EVERYONE THE BEST OF LUCK."

He turned away again, his finger lodged in his ear, listening to the frantic gibberish from his earpiece.

"WHAT'S THAT, MATE?" he whispered, but the megaphone still picked it up nevertheless. "WELL, WHO NEEDS FULL STOPS AND COMMAS? THAT'S WHAT I SAY! WHAT? YES… OKAY… SORRY MATE. WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. SORRY."

He turned to face the audience again, who were watching him intently, some confused, some slack-jawed and some sniggering into their sea salt ice-lollies.

Never mind, he thought to himself. I can always make another joke!

He chuckled for a second as he skimmed through all the crappy jokes inbuilt into his brain, and then grinned at the crowds. "Okay," he chortled. "So a man walked into a bar…"

O --- O

"Yhoo ready, lyk?" Seifer snorted, speaking in usual chav dialect. "Yhoo oughta watch out, mayte, coz I'm well mint."

Roxas ignored him and kept watching the fat commentator. It had been thirty minutes since he had got all the competitors lined up for the start of the tournament, and twenty minutes since Seifer and his 'crew' had stopped muttering 'bling' and 'innit' long enough to get bored of waiting and start throwing stuff at people.

"Ow," Roxas groaned, as an empty tin can whacked the back of his head.

"Lyk, lol!" Hayner laughed nastily. "It lyk, hit im in th ed, lyk!"

"N it lyk, hurt, lyk," Roxas mimicked.

Hayner gasped.

"R yhoo disrespectin us?" Seifer queried. "R yhoo disrespectin us?"

"Yhoo r, entcha?" Hayner growled. "We will well, lyk, av yhoo fer dis!"

"Omg, I lyk, well cant beleev yhoo jus sed dat!" Rai squealed.

Roxas blinked.

"Yer, ave it!" Rai exclaimed. "Y'KNOW!"

But in all fairness, Roxas didn't know. So he ignored their trivial chav-speak accusations and continued listening to the fat commentator.

"AND THAT, DEARHEARTS, IS HOW WE WILL DETERMINE THE WINNER!" he bellowed, the megaphone at large. "READY, FOLKS?"

A handful of people in the audience called out lifelessly.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Yeah."

"I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Uh-huh."

"I STILL CAN'T-"

"Shut up."

"OKAY! THEN LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" the fat commentator finished. "THE FIRST FOUR MATCHES ARE AS FOLLOWS…" he paused for a moment to pull a scrap of paper his trouser pocket, which he hastily unfolded and read with much gusto, "RAY VS. SEIFER, ROCKER VS. AXEL, AXEL VS. SEIFER AND ROCKER VS. HAYNER. BUT FIRST UP, HAYNER VS. RAI!"

Roxas assumed Rocker was him. Hayner and Rai jogged into the centre of the sandlot, where several ramps were set out in different shapes, sizes, colours, flavours and stuff.

They whipped out their oversized roller blades and crammed their undersized feet into them, then wobbled wearily into their positions, Struggle bats brandished.

"READY?" the fat commentator called. "THREE… TWO… ONE… STRUGGLE!"

O --- O

"Boring, isn't it?" someone muttered.

Roxas spun around. "Huh?" he breathed.

"You're Roxas, aren't you? the person smirked, sticking one hand up in the air for the purpose of sticking one hand up in the air.

"No…" Roxas murmured, observing his own feet. "I'm… Axel," he lied, plucking the name out of the air. It was floating around waiting to plucked out, as were all good guitar strings and all good feather-filled cushions. He had to oblige didn't he? What if the poor little names just floated around the air for all eternity? It was his job to pluck things out of the air. He had to-

"No you're not," Axel answered in a bored tone. "I am Axel. Got it memorized?"

"Sure…" Roxas mumbled, blushing crimson to match Axel's scarlet porcupine-shaped hair. "I'm playing you next, right?"

"I believe so," Axel smirked. "May the best man win," he added, grinning.

"Yeah," Roxas replied, glaring suspiciously at the older boy. "Yeah."

He picked himself up from the queue curving round the edge of the sandlot and strolled to the other side to see… erm… someone.

Yes. Just someone.

"Roxie!" someone cried enthusiastically. "I haven't seen you in weeks!"

Oh no. Not that someone. Anyone but that someone. He looked up slowly to face the bouncy hyper yellow thing stood in front of him.

"I've missed you soooo much!" Selphie giggled, lunging towards him, plastic dolly arms outstretched for a hug.

"I… ah…" Roxas cringed as she suffocated him, trying hastily to shrug her off. "Yeah… yeah… great… okay… get off me… seriously, get off me…"

When at long last the mega-hug subsided, Roxas was left looking sympathetically at the bright yellow maniac leaping up and down before him.

Selphie was not in fact, as you might assume, the same age as Sora and Kairi, but was actually only a year younger than Roxas. She just consumed a lot of sugar.

"So how've you been?" she squealed happily.

"Fine…" he muttered.

"You're in the contest this year riiiight?" she nudged him.

"Err… yeah…" he murmured.

Selphie beamed. "That's like, SO GREAT, Roxie!" she proclaimed.

"Yeah…" he mumbled. "So, what are you doing here…?"

"I'm here with my friend!" Selphie giggled. "This is Mindy!" she indicated towards a girl with curly pink hair who just happened to be casually strolling past at the appropriate moment.

"Hi!" Mindy tittered, exchanging pleased glances with her friend. "I'm Mindy!"

They both burst out in fits of the giggles.

"Err… hi…" Roxas mumbled anxiously.

"So, I am like, wearing some rainbow glooooves!" Mindy proclaimed, waving her hands in the air, as if attempting a one-man Mexican wave. It appeared that these infamous rainbow gloves were several sizes too big, as they soon dropped off her hands and onto the floor.

"Oh darn," she remarked, giggling insanely. She snatched them up before anyone else could, then placed them neatly on her head. "Now they are on my heeeeead!" she shrieked, then nearly toppled over from laughing. "I have raninbow gloooves on me heeead!"

Roxas took a step back in alarm.

"Do you like Mindy, then?" Selphie questioned, prodding Roxas in the chest. "Would you like to go on a date with her?"

"A date?" Mindy spat. "A date? Selphie, m'dear, what can you be thinking of? I ain't goin' on no date with no farmer's lass! No chance! That ain't what old Bill's been doing fer these last forty years an' it ain't done him no 'arm, like!"

And with that Mindy stormed off angrily.

"You upset her," Selphie grimaced, glaring at Roxas.

"But I didn't-" Roxas began, but she cut him off. Literally. He woke up a week later in hospital with all his limbs missing.

No, not really. But it wouldn't have been a bad idea.

"You… upset… Mindy!" Selphie hissed. "You'll pay!"

Then she promptly pivoted round on her too-high-heels, fell over, and then picked herself up and chased after this 'Mindy'.

Roxas shook his head in disbelief.

"Girls, eh?" Axel chuckled from behind.

Roxas spun around. "Huh?" he blinked. "Are you following me?"

Axel raised his eyebrows. "No," he answered, his voice bored. "We're up next."

He carelessly thrust Roxas' beloved skateboard –cough- Derek –uncough- at its owner. The two males locked tongue- err, eyes for a moment while Roxas tried to work out why this red-headed stranger even had Derek in the first place.

Anyone who touched Derek was in for a tough ride. Fer sure.

"Relax, I haven't done anything to it," Axel assured the blonde. "You just left it over there."

Roxas snatched the board away from Axel and clutched it protectively.

Axel laughed. "So how long have you been skateboarding?" he asked.

Roxas glared at him. "Few years," he murmured. "You?"

"Skateboard? I don't think so," Axel smirked.

"What wheels do you have, then?" Roxas questioned. "Roller skates?"

"Penny farthing," Axel grinned.

"Penny farthing?" Roxas repeated. "Really?"

Axel laughed. "You're not so bright, are you?" he replied smugly.

Roxas frowned defensively.

"Chakras," Axel answered.

"They're not wheels!" Roxas pointed out, but Axel frowned.

"Sure they are," he replied. "They're round, they can spin. Anyway, my friend Marluxia rides a chariot."

"But you can't ride chakras," Roxas objected. "They're weapons!"

"Yeah," Axel smirked, grinning as the fat commentator signalled the end of the first match. "And now I've got the perfect opportunity to use them!"

"What?" Roxas gaped. "That's not fair! I've only got a Struggle bat-"

"AND OUR WINNER IS… RAI!" the fat commentator bellowed. A handful of cheers erupted from the crowd. "AND HAYNER PUT UP A GREAT FIGHT TOO!"

A few diehard Hayner fans let out miserable "woohoo"s, while several Hayner-flamers grinned evilly and chucked tin cans at the mangled corpse. Or alternatively, the "slightly injured boy", as the fat commentator would protest to solicitors when Hayner's mother had him arrested for organising such a dangerous sport.

"NEXT UP WE HAVE ROCKER VS. AXEL!" the fat commentator called, shifting Hayner out of the way with his feet and kicking him under a magic carpet that had magically appeared. "AXEL AND ROCKER, COME TO THE CENTRE, PLEASE!"

"Shall we?" Axel smirked, heading forwards.

Roxas frowned, then jogged after him. He didn't have much choice.

O --- O

"HERE WE HAVE AXEL AND ROCKER! READY, FELLAS?"

They let out absent-minded grunts, glaring at each other, face-to-face. Roxas had his neon blue struggle bat gripped tightly, but Axel was empty-handed.

"Where're your chakras?" Roxas hissed, smirking.

Axel laughed smugly, choosing to ignore the blonde.

"I'LL TAKE YOUR INDIFFERENT SILENCES AS A YES!" the fat commentator boomed. "READY? THREE… TWO… ONE… STRUGGLE!"

Roxas surged forward on his skateboard, lunging at his opponent, bat brandished. With a swish of neon blue, the bat skimmed across the top of Axel's head, missing him narrowly. Again, Roxas swung his bat, only for Axel to dodge and take no damage. He began to get irritated, and brought the weapon down harder and stronger. Axel was much faster, however, and leapt out of the way, laughing tauntingly.

"AND IT LOOKS LIKE AXEL IS JUST TOO QUICK FOR ROCKER!" the fat commentator yelled, and then turned to the nearest person in the audience. "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"Couldn't agree more," the man nodded, speaking clearly through the megaphone. "Perhaps if Rocker slows down and considers his technique more, Axel will have less chance of dodging his attacks and Rocker will have a better chance of winning."

"I LOVE YOUR THOUGHTS," the fat commentator proclaimed, and turned to the next person. "WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"Wateva coz I rli dnt car I jus wana wtch Hynr n Seifr coz der wel fit lyk," the girl mused.

"GREAT INSIGHT! HOW ABOUT YOU?"

"Yeah, great."

"INTRIGUING APPROACH! WHAT ABOUT-"

"ARRGHHHHH!" a scream echoed from the centre of the sandlot. "My arm! My arrrrm!"

"OOH, WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE?" the fat commentator pondered. "OH DEAR! IT LOOKS LIKE ROCKER HAS INJURED HIMSELF!"

He surged forward and bounded towards the boys, his man boobs bouncing.

"ROCKER! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" he yelled, holding the megaphone just inches away from the injured party's ear.

"His name's Roxas," Axel grimaced, lifting the blonde up. "It's just his arm. I think it's broken."

"OH DEAR!" the fat commentator exclaimed. "WE HAD BETTER GET HIM TO HOSPITAL QUICK!"

"Oww…" Roxas murmured feebly. "You hit me…"

"No I didn't," Axel answered. "It looks like one of the wheels came off your skateboard."

Kairi and Sora stared at each other, open-mouthed.

"Oh, Sora!" Kairi gasped, squeezing his hand. "What have we done?"

O --- O

a/n: Not very much, Kairi m'dear.

Rocker is off his rocker! Hehe .

Review, because.. I am not dead yet, I can dance and I can sing, I not dead yet, I can do the highland fling, I am not dead yet, no need to go to bed, no need to call the doctor 'cause I'm NOT YET DEAD!

Ja. Crappy songs are my forte, no joke.