I think nine days have passed. Nine days have passed without a real good sleep. Nine days have passed and I'm still waiting for the sun...

I don't own Beyblade

-oO08( Nine Days Waiting for the Sun )80Oo-

by Kiray Himawari

Chapter II Day Two; Calm doesn't always come after storm

I didn't want to count the days which were necessary to know the damn answer, but when that day arrived I only wanted to scream. It was not a serious problem; it was not cancer, nor lupus, nor some tumor, it was simply gallstones. I know it was funny (if you want to), but I was not afraid of the gallstones, in fact that was ridiculous; it was the surgery what I was afraid of; the risks of the surgery, dying during the surgery.

Is it not funny? I wanted to laugh and cry. Was I so weak to not support a little pain? I was weak. My worst fear was becoming true; I was going to die for being weak. The sun was so bright, the sky so clear and my mind so dark. Little by little every scene of my life was passing in front of me without pauses or sounds, not only pieces of scenarios with me on them. "I'm going to die" was my first thought, my first certainty.

I always believed in death, I knew I was going to die, but it was much better not to think about it, to ignore the problem; to ignore the death. It was simple, wasn't it? Just closing your eyes and faking to be fine. I don't remember how I arrived to the dojo because it didn't matter when I saw all the looks they gave me. Pity. They felt pity for me; they did see my painful soul through my eyes. I could not contain myself and then ran to my room. There I started to cry. Anger, fear, frustration, panic and terror were some of the feelings running in my mind. I did not want to die; I. Do. Not. Want. To. Die.

I did not want to feel pain again; I do not want to feel pain again… I… I can't recall what happened after my stupid scene; I only felt the warm of my sheets, the itch in my eyes and my aching heart. I can still feel the sensation of defeat and humiliation. If Grandfather had been there, surely he had slapped me because such show of weakness. It was silent, I didn't know if it was night or day when I woke up because my room was totally dark and the curtains were closed. Sometimes I believe that it didn't matter because I could only feel and live the darkness.

-o-

The next minutes, hours, days went so slowly, I don't think I had thought a lot about the matter, I was just trying to evade reality; it was much easier. In fact those days were much bearable, I remember I slept like always – six hours, I trained, I ate normal, and my behavior did not change a lot. Sometimes I caught them looking and me with those eyes that told me how weak I was. Also I remember how with my emotionless face said to them about the surgery's process. They were so excited about the fact, and my indifference simply added a little bit of emotion.

I know they only saw my barrier, the wall that I had built to contain my feelings, my worries and fears. They couldn't see my brisling skin, my mind playing games against me, the upset set in my guts, my heart beating so fast… And then the nightmare had place…

I can see and feel again all of those sensations. That morning was cold, almost at the end of fall. I remember how I packed my clothes, how I saw all my room as it would be the last time I was going to see it, how I felt when I crossed the door and left all behind. The journey was so tranquil, so quiet. The landscape was so beautiful; the bright grassland, the green trees, the pure air, the clear road, the sunshine...

I signed in at hospital, a nurse explained to me what was going to be the process. I changed my clothes for that hospital gown. It was light blue, just suiting with all the rest; hospital cap, my bandaged feet, the IV. They clean my skin to cut freely, to tear my flesh. I can recall some of the dark corridors, the noise of the sirens in the distance, and the elevator I had to take to arrive to the operating room. There was a horrible smell and noises; it was just like a bunch of chemicals, boiling water and whines. I was petrified trying to register all what was happening till a man with white coat spoke to me.

He said his name, I don't know why but I cannot remember, maybe I suppressed his name to forget loathe him. Also I received a visit from another nurse, the assistant of the surgeon, she said her name too, but just like the previous one I put it in the last place of my mind. I don't remember how time passed until the time to go through the surgery, however, I didn't feel secure or well to be saved by that process; I was just trying to suppress the urgency to scream and yelled "leave me alone, leave me alone; I do not want to die!"

I can still feel the oxygen mask and the eyes of them on me. Then I felt a terrible pain, just like I had been hit by a car. I opened my eyes; it was still dark, it was still painful, it was still as horrible as the beginning. No I did not feel better, indeed I felt worse; I wanted all of that to stop…

Yes, I was alive, but I don't know why I could not feel better or why all of that shit went so wrong. No, the calm does not always come after storm; in fact, it never comes…

~oO080Oo~

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