You Have to Trust It

Garrus Vakarian sits at Commander Jane Shepard's desk, awaiting her return. A datapad in each hand, he stews in a cold cocktail of emotions: a shot of Anger and a splash of Distrust, shaken with Secrets and poured cold over Fear.

He wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. He wants to be more than a small part in her big plans. He wants to know why they still do this...

It has been over 6 months since they destroyed the Collector's base. They have grown from comrades, to friends, to lovers and more, but remain two imperfect halves of a whole. Nature never intended for Humans and Turians to be together, and She makes certain to remind them every chance She gets. It doesn't seem to matter that they have saved the galaxy twice over, usurped the Shadow Broker or made it through breakfast alive, something new always finds them.

Today's crisis comes in digital form; the datapads clutched in Garrus' hands each show a message: one to Shepard, and one from her.

The first is from Miranda, the Normandy's ex-XO having slipped quietly off the ship some time ago.

Shepard -

This is hard for me to write, but I should have done it long ago.

I've told you this before, but it's more important now than ever. When Cerberus rebuilt you, I wanted to implant a control device. The Illusive Man stopped me; he thought the only way you could live up to your own legend was if you were given the freedom to choose it. I'm sorry. Seeing you now - your loyalty, your bravery - I regret ever planning it.

My contacts at Cerberus tell me that the Illusive Man also has regrets. He wants you back. At any cost. I don't have many details yet, but it seems that he plans to drag you back, possibly in pieces, and this time use a control device. Once the device is implanted it cannot be removed without fatal neurological damage. I'm so sorry. You deserve much better.

Cerberus has agents everywhere. I know of at least a dozen in Alliance Command, and I'm certain there are a dozen more that I don't know. You can't risk trusting anyone.

Be careful Shepard.

- ML

The second is shorter - one of the few times Shepard has bothered to write a message, instead of just making her point with gunfire.

Attn: Earth Systems Alliance Admiralty,

As per the Admiralty's orders, I, Commander Jane Shepard, will peacefully surrender the starcraft SR2-Normandy, and myself to Alliance Command within the month.

- Commander Jane Shepard

The small voice inside Garrus tells him that this isn't right; he should put the datapads back on the desk and pretend like he never saw them. It's not like he meant to find them -they weren't encrypted nor hidden in any way. They had been lying harmless about on Jane's desk when he had wandered up to wait for his lover to finish her rounds.

In fact, it seems strange that those two datapads sat upon her desk. Sure, there are half dozen other pads - flight plans, supply lists, maintenance reports, and so on, but these two had sat at the very top... as if waiting for Garrus to find them.

Garrus scratches at his fringe. Maybe Shepard was planning on explaining this to him. Or maybe she wanted him to find it. Or maybe ...

He shakes his head to rattle loose this train of thought; he's over thinking it. The Commander's desk is a mess and she's forgetful when it comes to paperwork. Garrus was not supposed to be see the messages. They had been left out by mistake - she probably never expected him to beat her back to the Loft.

The soft beep of the doors signal the Commander's arrival. "Garrus," she says with a smile and moves to embrace him. She stops when she sees the hard look upon his face, stepping back to lean against the fish tanks. "What's up?" she asks.

There is no point dancing around the issue - Garrus has seen the Commander dance, and it's not pretty.

"What is this?" he asks.

Shepard raises a brow and gives a slow saunter across the cabin. It's clear she's not expecting a fight,; her steps are confident but careful - just in case. She takes one of the datapads and skims her own letter of surrender.

Garrus watches her with predatory eyes, searching for a hint of shock or fear or guilt or ... anything. But Shepard is good at hiding her cards. Damn good. Her only tell is the skipped heartbeat on his heads-up display before she looks back to him.

She shrugs. The gesture seems too calm, too simple for this significant of moment. "I need the Alliance on my side."

There is an anxious twitch in his mandibles as Garrus answers. "... and that's it? You'll go before a military tribunal just to get a couple gutless bureaucrats to throw you a bone? "

She shakes her head, sending her dark hair sweeping from side to side. For a moment, it's mesmerizing. It's enough to make Garrus want to forget about messages, the Alliance, the Reapers and everything else, and just go back to those sweet moments were Jane is sleeping in his arms.

Shepard's voice drags him back to the moment. "I swore to Hackett that when the time came, I would be there in my dress blues."

"The man that sent you alone into a Batarian prison to rescue a nut job? I think he owes you a few..."

"Dammit Garrus," her voice suddenly harsh. "I killed those people. Thousands of them. I made the call. I pulled the trigger. And then I ran like a bloody coward back through that Relay." She turns to him and stares him hard in the eyes. She is a good foot shorter than him, but Shepard somehow manages to make him feel small under her glare. "If I had an ounce of honour, I would have stayed."

There is a slightest tinge of anxiety before she continues. "I have to go."

The solution is easy enough. "I'm coming with you," he says. He will surrender with her to the Alliance. They will face whatever they decide to call justice together and when the time comes, take on the Reapers, just as planned. Done.

"Garrus..." she gives a long sigh. "I can't have you on Earth."

"Why the hell not?" he demands. It's childish. He doesn't care.

He watches her breath in and hold - like she's waiting for her voice to return. In the span, a realization falls upon Garrus. "This is why we're headed to the Migrant Fleet. And then the Citadel. And Tuchanka ... and Palaven," he says.

"It's the safest place for you..." she answers. She closes her eyes, rubs her shoulder and sighs once more. When she looks to him again, her honesty guts him. "I need someone I can trust on the outside. I need someone who will do what has to be done."

"Because of this?" he's shouting now as he tosses her the second datapad.

She fumbles the catch and barely reads the first line before throwing it onto her desk.

"Yes."

"So you're just going to hop right into whatever trap Cerberus might have planned for you, just so the Alliance might toss you a handful of ships and maybe you'll sleep better at night?"

"Yes." It's much too simple answer for such a heavy questions.

"They want to take you again," Garrus shouts and waves the datapad madly towards her. "They want to stick a chip in your brain and make you their damn puppet. "

Shepard looks away. She has no words to make it better for him.

"Damn it, Jane. You don't know who you are trust anymore. If you walk into Alliance HQ with no one to watch your back, you might never walkout again."

She gives him a long, hard look. There is trust there, with patience and perhaps just a hint of despair. "That's why you have to do this."

"What exactly am I supposed to do?"

She looks past him into the steady blue of the empty fish tank. "Wait. Prepare. Wait some more."

"What if I can't do that anymore?" he asks. "What if I can't just sit on my hands waiting for you to fix the whole damn galaxy."

Off the Normandy, they really aren't subordinate and commander. As soon as they set off onto solid ground, Shepard has little control over Garrus, short of throwing her Spectre status onto a civilian. She rubs at her shoulder as she answers. "Then I can't stop you." She pauses for a moment to breath in and out, leveling herself. "But I'm asking you not to. I'm asking you to trust me - begging you to trust me."

Garrus waits, hoping for something to finally make sense.

"If they take me and change me so that I'm no longer me ..." she trails off. "If they control me..." She stares hard at him, looking to him for the strength and support he no longer offers. She breaths once more. "Then I need you to put a bullet in my head."

Garrus blinks, thinking for a moment he misheard or his translator glitched or maybe this is some sort of horrible human joke. He waits for the laugh. And waits. And waits.

"You're serious..."

"I can't let Cerberus use me against the Council or the Alliance or anyone else that might get in their way." She takes a deep breath. "They could use me to infiltrate any number of commands - spy or saboteur, it doesn't matter. If I'm a weapon they point at an innocent, I have to be taken out just like anyone else."

Shepard looks up to her lover. He gapes back at her, frozen.

"Someone has to make the call. Someone has to look me the eyes and know if it's truly me that's looking back." She pauses and her voices turns gentle as she looks him in the eye. "And there is no one in the universe I trust more than you ," she whispers with a little mirthless smile

The ice falls free as Garrus' shock takes over. "How can you even ask that?" he screams the words. The anger is too much now; it clatters around in his chest, building hot bile and clawing at him like betrayal. It feels like ... Sidonis. The fury spreads down into his hands and demands to be set free. He wants to punch something. Throw something. Trash the whole damn room. Put his first through the glass of the fish tank and watch the water come crashing down.

"I have to go to the Alliance," she tries so hard to explain. "I have to go because we need them against the Reapers, and because they ordered it, and because I killed all those people, and because it's the right thing to do. Maybe Cerberus will get me or maybe the Reapers will indoctrinate me first or maybe a thousand other horrible things will happen... but I have to go."

Garrus looks away. It's still not enough.

"And, I have to go knowing that you'll stop me - free me - if it all goes wrong. I have to trust in you."

He watches her scratch at the corner of eye, trying to hide the tears that have gathered there.

Finally, she finds the words. "And because I love you. And you love me." She reaches up to place a hand against his scarred mandible. "And it has to be you."

Her touch spreads like a cool spring through his blood. The rage and anger and betrayal flow away as quickly as they had come. And in a horrid way, her words finally make sense to him. In all the galaxy, she trusted only him to look into her eyes and know if she was still herself. It is the greatest and most horrible honour ever bestowed upon him.

It sickens him and stabs at his heart, but he knows she is right. Somehow, she is always right.

The bitter cocktail poured out into the gutter, he reaches for her. Holds her. Loves her. Finally he nods. The galaxy needs Jane Shepard, and Jane Shepard needs him.

He will trust her. Wait for her. Follow her to hell and back.

Again.

And again.

As many times as its takes.

Meh. Not Beta'd. Just wanted it done...

I've decided to try and make it ME3 compliant from here on. I have 4 to 7 more episodes possible for this series ... if I ever write them -_-.