Just a heads up..this chapter is VERY M. Lol. But keep in mind that in my universe these characters are 22 years-old and not the sweet, innocent, babies we've all grown to love and see on TV weekly. Also you will find out how Cory died exactly as the chapters progress. Thank you so much to everyone that's reading and reviewing and if you have any questions..please don't hesitate to ask me! Also real quickly, this story has a long-term outcome, and isn't going to solely revolve around Cory's death. There's a bigger plot that's brewing cause remember this is about Lucas's and Riley's journey. Without further ado..enjoy Chapter 2! :)
Numb.
The thing they never tell you about death is that it takes more than just the person you love away from you. It tests your faith. It diminishes a little bit of the beauty that you would naturally find in the world around you. It sends you down a dark path. One that is manipulated and deceived by anger and denial but before you even get there, it completely turns you into this robotic person, whose jonesing for a fix of emotion because it's the only thing that can return you to a state of semi-normalcy.
Riley remembers everything with vivid clarity up until she gets to the hospital and hears the sound which she can only describe as heartbreak. She remembers the feel of Lucas's hand in hers, as it gently guided her up the staircase. It was firm and anchored her to the present; a palpable reminder with the pressure that he was here and was going to lead. She remembers the song that's playing on the radio as Lucas's starts up the engine on his familiar and weathered pick-up truck. It's Phil Collins, "You'll be in my Heart", and it reminds her of childhood, and swinging grown men in trees, and innocence, and the father-daughter song she hoped to someday dance to with her daddy at her own wedding, and Lucas knows that and quickly rushes to turn the dial. She remembers the New York traffic, that you can always count on despite the season and thinks about hopping out and walking. But Lucas yanks her hand from her mouth, and rubs his thumb over hers affectionately and so she doesn't. She remembers Lucas barely parking before she's thrown open her side and practically sprinting towards the double-doors marked "Emergency". But when she goes to open her mouth to speak, she can't formulate the words to address the question she doesn't want them answering.
"Cory Matthews. We're looking for Cory Matthews. This is his daughter Riley. He was probably bussed in about thirty minutes ago." Lucas comes up behind her and fills in the blanks that she's having trouble expressing. The nurse looks up sympathetically and doesn't even bother to glance at her computer screen.
"Room 209." She says somberly and Riley doesn't know if it's her tone or the speck of kindness she see's behind her gaze that indicates an oncoming form of pity, but Lucas walks quickly, pulling her behind him before she can effectively evaluate.
Before they can even round the corner, that last flicker of hope that Riley is desperately clinging to, is extinguished because she hears her mother crying. And Topanga Matthews never cries around her children. Not because she thinks it's a weakness, but because she thinks it's her job as a parent to uphold this stable picture until they are old enough to realize that parents are only human too.
Her mother is sobbing openly into her Uncle Shawn's shoulder. And it's not particularly loud, or dramatic, but it breaks her all the same. Because suddenly this situation is real, and feels stifling, and Riley's fight or flight instinct kicks in, and it takes everything in her to not turn around and run. Her little brother, who isn't so little anymore, is sitting in a chair and talking quietly to her grandma and grandpa who are rubbing his back and trying to stay strong. Uncle Josh looks like he's on the verge of punching the wall in front of him, and even with his tucked in shirt, and freshly pressed slacks, she's never seen him look so young. And now they are all looking at her. Her mother is reaching for her, and Auggie is looking up at her for reassurance, and even though she's physically present, she doesn't feel anything or hear a single word. Because none of this can be real; it's just a bad dream that she can't wake up from.
Her Uncle Eric comes out of the room, that's holding her shell of a father, and she wants to tell them all that saying goodbye is absurd. The Cory Matthews that they all know and love is already gone. But she knows that this cathartic experience is more for the living that the deceased leave behind, so she goes in quietly, with a reluctant Lucas who she still hasn't disconnected from.
She doesn't remember what she says, and she's even surprised at the fact that she doesn't cry when she looks at her dad's mangled and bruised body. She expects to feel like a monster, especially after Lucas's starts to openly cry, because it's definitely something that her Texas cowboy never does. She wonders if a piece of her has died too, and that's when she starts to realize that all her favorite qualities stem from her dad, and if he's no longer around, does that mean that those pieces of her fade away too?
"I have to go." She suddenly says. Lucas is looking at her, through hazy vision, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what he's thinking. How can she abandon the people who are still living and love her in their time of need? But she knows she can't be around to absorb their pain because it will only further solidify the fact that her father is gone, and her mind still can't process that notion.
"Then I'm coming with you." He stops her as she tries to step around him, and when she won't meet his gaze, his fingers pull at her chin until their eyes are level.
"You need me Riley. And I want to be there for you." And so she doesn't protest when he reaches for her hand again, and pulls her through the crowded hallway. But because he's always been a true gentleman, he leaves her lingering idly by the nurse's station while he backpedals to speak privately with her family. She watches as he performs the actions that her emotional state won't let her do. He hugs her mom for a long time, and it makes her think about how the roles have reversed and how for the first time, Lucas looks like the adult, and her mom looks like a child. She watches him crouch down and speak to Auggie, and her heart aches at the smile and small chuckle that he's able to coax out of her little brother. He shakes her grandparents' hands, and pats Josh on the back, and before she can blink he's back by her side again and reaching for her hand. Radiating warmth, embodying protection, grounding her in a way that's felt through the comfort of his presence.
Riley's been sitting on his couch for the last three hours now. She hasn't moved, unless it was to get up and use his facilities, but the more troubling factor isn't even her lack of conversation, it's the transfixed way she seems to be staring at the TV. She doesn't want to eat anything, no matter how many times he tries to entice her by offering up her favorite foods which range from pizza to ice cream. She doesn't want to talk, something she has made perfectly clear by turning up the volume on the TV on more than one occasion when he attempted to get the ball rolling. And she hasn't cried yet, or entered a stage where she's wanted to break something.
Lucas knows that this behavior is perfectly normal and that everyone grieves differently but its one thing to read about all the statistics, and a completely different thing to witness a mourner firsthand. It just cuts him so deeply because this is Riley, his Riley. The girl that they all worked overtime to protect because her optimism and positivity seemed to be the only two things that they could ever count on in this world. Lucas is angry himself because he doesn't know how he feels about a greater power that allows these things to happen to people who are so undeserving.
"Yes Maya, I will tell her. Please stop yelling at the flight attendant. She doesn't control the speed of the plane and can't get you here faster just because you're threatening her unborn child and her family. I will take good care of her. I promise. Okay goodbye." Lucas has been fielding calls all afternoon on Riley's behalf, and he knows she's grateful for the gesture. He grabs a blanket out of the closet, and places it over her lap before he goes to sit down beside her.
"Maya said she'll be here in approximately 24 hours or less. Although by the time she lands, the only place she might be going, is to jail for murder cause I'm fairly certain that she might kill anyone who pisses her off on that plane." He expects that comment will elicit a smile or a giggle from her, but when he glances over at her she's still staring intently at the colorful box in front of her.
He doesn't know how he should function or move around her. The usual ease that their able to slide into is something he desperately craves, but he doesn't want to make a move that will upset her. He's in uncharted territory, and the unthinkable has occurred. He wants to give her space, if that's what she needs, but their friendship has been defined by affection. Almost to the point of misinterpretation by others, but that's how it's always worked. Riley has always been a person whose bursting at the seams with physical closeness, and secretly it's always been something that Lucas's has loved. They hold hands down the ice cream aisle at the grocery store, they've shared a bed multiple times where if he's being honest, Riley has woken up on more than one occasion clinging to his chest. And it's always been a two way street. He's constantly had his hands in her hair, and on her face. It's not unusual for her to be on his back when her feet get tired of walking or to have her head in his lap on the couch while their watching TV. Those simple gestures just basically defined Riley.
He's about to scoot a little closer because the distance between them, is making him feel even more awkward, but before he can even do so, her hand reaches over for him, and her head goes to rest on his shoulder. She tucks her feet underneath her, and they stay like until the world looks more normal.
It's been ten hours since Lucas's received that phone call that completely changed her life. Ten hours of going through the motions but not really existing; of hearing the facts but not believing the reality. Ten hours of Riley itching to understand why she doesn't feel anything. Of waiting for the pain to arrive, braced and on edge, but still willing because it'll assuage her conscience and prove her decency. Because the facts tell her that she loved her daddy more than anything, and because of that she should be collapsing on the bathroom floor in tears, or breaking dishes in a fit of rage at the unfairness of it all.
But she's not doing any of those things. She's standing in the middle of her best friend's bathroom completely nude and staring at her reflection in the mirror. The steam from the shower that's running hot behind her is fogging up the vision, but she's able to see how despite everything, she's still breathing.
You can breathe though and still not be alive truly. Her father was breathing earlier, but he was the furthest thing from alive, which is why she didn't feel right about whispering hushed goodbyes. She suddenly thinks that maybe she's like him. Maybe her spirit left her body, but didn't tell it to stop breathing. And so now she's stuck meandering through this limbo called life, and her punishment is never feeling that rush of adrenaline that she's now able to recognize as emotion. What kind of life would it be if she couldn't feel anything ever again? If she never had another perfect moment..one that was prefaced by an anxious stomach. The kind of anxious though that builds momentum, like the rush you feel before that big drop of a roller coaster or before you kiss that special person. Or if she never even had another painful moment? Physical pain like the twisting of a limb, which seemed like a negative at the time, but also served a purpose. Opened the door to an opportunity for a lesson that could only be served by experience; a growth that could only take place by solidifying a cause and effect. If we don't break we never learn how to heal. And if we don't learn how to heal how could we ever evolve as a person?
She's desperate to feel anything right now. So she pinches herself. And even though her skin retains the mark that indicates a painful reaction, she feels nothing. She thinks about punching this mirror; of the shards implementing themselves in her closed fist. But she doubts even that would draw out an anguished cry. She heard Lucas whisper the word "numb" earlier into the phone, when she was pretending not to listen. And she knows that their saying it's stimulated by shock, and even though that's the logical explanation, she's really thinking that she might just be broken.
Lucas is knocking now; soft at first and then more frantically at her lack of a response. She's been in there for a long time now, and she knows that he's terrified for when she wakes up. Wakes up from this stupor, and actually feels the weight of this thing because he's so scared that it'll crush her. He doesn't tell her this though but she can see it lingering there in his eyes.
He's through the doorway now..and Riley can see the splinters of the wood; an unfortunate result from the impact of his shoulder. She doesn't turn at the intrusion though, or make an attempt to cover up. She just looks at him through the mirror, and before he dismisses it, she can see the fire in his expression; the desire, the lust. And for the first time since this tragedy, she feels something. It's inappropriate and misplaced, but it grounds her back to this Earth. And she has to hang onto it. He's behind her now, and she barely has to turn to close the distance between them and so she does. His hand is behind her neck, and the pressure makes her moan. He's looking down at her, and Riley is drowning at the sight. She tears at his shirt, and claws at his pants, and before Lucas has time to morally right his compass, he has her backed up against the shower. Her skin is hot, and his is sweaty, but the feeling of his body pressed into hers, is a reminder of how she's alive.
Fire; its cliché and it is overused but it's the only word that comes to mind to describe their interaction. His hands explore her body, leaving behind sparks in their wake. His lips are trailing down her neck, and then her stomach, and Riley swears that if he goes any lower, she might just combust. So she yanks him back up by the tender spot on the back of his head, and he winces and pulls her hair. He shoots her an evil smirk, and before she can counter he's kissing her. And it's so familiar and so passionate, and so perfect that she knows this memory is creating a history that will stick with her.
And suddenly she can't get close enough. His tongue is circling hers, and her hands are pulling him closer, and her legs hitch around his waist and the water is spraying down around them, but neither seems to mind because this electricity is everything, and it's keeping her alive. He's keeping her alive, with his magical fingers that are now probing a place that hasn't been explored in a very long time. But he knows all the right rhythms to set that keep her responsive. His lips know exactly where to kiss to bring her to the brink without crossing over the edge. And just when the pleasure feels too intense, the joy too overwhelming, he slips inside of her.
Thousands of memories flit through the back of her eyes that have now fluttered shut at the sensation, and Lucas has to bite his lip in concentration. Cause at the sight of her with her head thrown back, and the sound of her clipped breaths and tiny moans, he's on the verge of freefalling.
This is what living is all about. She feels everything. The temperature of the water on her skin; the union of their bodies; the love she shares with the boy whose always held her hand when she was scared, kissed her bruises when they were showing. This is what's worth fighting for.
Her breathing accelerates, and she coaxes Lucas to leap with her and in a burst of true happiness and love and unity, the numbness is broken.
Lucas knows shortly after their shower fiasco, that Riley's awake, and that the onslaught of emotion is about to cripple her. So he prepares himself for the impact.
He doesn't regret what happened, and even though he's a little ashamed about the context with which it started and the timing of the event that it followed, he doesn't think he was wrong in giving into her desires. He knew she was desperate to wake up, and even though his heart doesn't want her to be in pain, his head knew she couldn't linger much longer in the numbness.
She sleeps silently on his chest all throughout the night and well into the next day, and he knows that she's avoiding her emotions. Maya, Zay, and Farkle show up at around three in the afternoon, and don't even hesitate to hop into bed with them. They've got popcorn and chocolate and pizza, and are content to lie beside her in the silence because they all have a feeling that it won't last long.
Every fire needs a spark to ignite it. Riley's comes in the form of a voicemail that her father left for her the day before the accident occurred. She gets up to pee, and they are all laughing at some cheesy rerun of Modern Family. Maya's imitating Sofia Vergara's thick accent, and Farkle is laughing at her impersonation, and Zay is saying "Who cares what she sounds like, she's fine as hell.". Their so immersed in their conversation that they barely notice when Riley returns to the room.
Lucas see's her first. She standing at the threshold and her phone is loosely being clutched in her left palm. And she's got this expression on her face, like the worst has just occurred. It's the expression he's been expecting ever since he received Topanga's phone call.
The laughter has subsided and now all eyes are on her.
"Riles..what is it?" Maya asks from her perch.
"He's gone." She says quietly at first..and then louder.."He's really gone!" Her shoulders hunch over in anguish, and the phone drops to the ground, and she's crying so hard now that it physically makes all of their hearts hurt. They all rush over to her, and encircle her, and as she collapses to the ground, she can't focus on anything but the pain and how much this hurts.
But without the lows, we'd never get the highs, and that's what she tries to focus on for the next days that come.