Chapter 2
In which the story begins. . .
It was a dark and stormy night. It was dark because the sun was down, and it was stormy because it was raining. In a weird situation that had nothing to do with Tony Dewhurst, Yvonne de Kernogan was driving in a coach, in the dark, in the rain. Why she was doing this has never been adequately explained, but the local peasantry had seen her do it before, and it made them mad. Very mad. Exactly why it made them mad is not a matter we shall discuss very deeply, but it had a lot to do with lace and mud. Basically, she had lace and they had mud, and just once in a while they wanted to trade. (But she didn't)
So Miss Kernogan was toodleing along in the dark and the rain and the man who was driving her coach saw a lot a peasants who were also in the dark and the rain, but they didn't have a coach.
Coach Driver "Hey Miss! there's a bunch of peasants down here that want to trade some mud for some lace."
Yvonne raised an eyebrow. She was good at raising her eyebrows, and had even won a trophy for it at nun school.
Yvonne "Tell them no, Mr. Coach Driver person. And get me home soon, my footbath water is probably cold by now."
Coach Driver "The peasants are very insistent Miss, and they do have lots of mud. . . "
Yvonne "NO!"
Coach Driver "Okay, okay! What do you want me to do?"
Yvonne "Squish 'em!"
Coach Driver "If you say so. . ."
(sound of peasants being squished)
Crowd of Peasants "Eek! Persecution! Swim Away!"
Yvonne (shouting out of coach window) "Woo hoo! Don't mess with me! I'm good at the peasant squishing thing!"
Random Peasant (rushing up to coach window) "Hey! Thanks for the squishing!" (kisses her)
Yvonne "Oooo! How exciting! Home, driver!"
Coach Driver (very weirded out) "Yes Miss."
Somewhere close by, M. le duc de Kernogan was eating dinner. He wasn't eating squished peasant, but it always made his dinner a little more tasty when he knew that, somewhere in the world, peasants were being squished.
(Aside) M. le duc de Kernogan was Yvonne's father, and because of some rather odd naming conventions for bigwigs in France, he had never had a first name. This was a really annoying and impersonal sort of thing, and made for a lot of testy Dukes and Barons, but that was OK - it was considered high-class to be testy. A lot of people have surmised that the whole "I'm-not-going-to-give-my-kid-a-first-name-because-he's-an-aristo" thing, was only used to make them testy in the first place. (End of Aside)
Duc de Kernogan (burp) "Where's my daughter?"
Random toady "Riding home in the mud and rain."
Duc de Kernogan "What's she doing that for?"
Random toady "Dunno, but she's gonna have to squish some peasants to get here."
Duc de Kernogan "Well, that's all right then." (burp) "Hey! This pate is really tasty tonight! Thank the cook."
Random toady (who had never tasted pate) "Yes sir."
Yvonne "Hey dad, I'm home! Do we have any pate? I'm starved!
Duc de Kernogan (burp) "Yes, dear."
Yvonne "I had such an exciting drive home!"
Duc de Kernogan (burp) "Yes, dear."
Yvonne "Guess what? I got to squish some peasants and kiss another one!"
Duc de Kernogan (burp) "Yes, dear." (double take) "What? Off with his head! Stomp on his family! Burn the town!" (growls audibly)
Yvonne "Daaaaad! You're being overbearing again!"
Duc de Kernogan "That's OK, I die at the end of the story, I get to be overbearing."
Yvonne "Awwwww, dad. . . you ruined the surprise! Now I won't be able to cry!"
Duc de Kernogan "Oops." (taps on computer screen) "Hey, author person? Could you change that last?"
Author "Nope, sorry. I've got a continuity contract to think about."
Duc de Kernogan "Oh. Pickles. Okay, well. . . I'm going to get back to being overbearing. . ."
Author "You do that."
Duc de Kernogan "Yvonne! How could you!?!?!?!? Haven't I taught you better than that? Peasants are for squishing, not kissing! "
Yvonne "Yes, dad. . . but. . . "
(heroic music interrupts)
In walks. . . .
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL!!!!!!!!!!
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL (strikes heroic pose) "Greetings, all you oppressed and downtrodden and falsely asccused! I will save you from a bloody fate! (which you might bloody deserve, but I don't bloody care!)"
Yvonne (raises eyebrows) "Dad. . . Why is there a guy in red leotard in our dining room?"
Duc de Kernogan "Um. . . "
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL "Follow me to the land of freedom, hot tea, imported French wine and freshly made haggis!" (strikes heroic pose)
Yvonne "Um. . . huh?"
Duc de Kernogan "Whah?"
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL "Sink me, the French are dumb!" (hustles them into a waiting carriage)
Yvonne "Who are you?" (furrows eyebrows) "And WHAT are you doing!?!?!?"
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL "I am - (sound of heroic music) THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL! (voice echoes) - I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and really cool clothes!"
Yvonne (eyeing leotard) "Um. Okaaaay."
Duc de Kernogan "If we're going, we'd better get out of here. We don't want to get stuck in peasant rush hour."
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL "Right!" (hoists carriage onto shoulders) "Tally Ho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(sounds of heroic escape)
Author "End of Chapter Two - This is Librivox recording, all Librivox recordings are in the public dom-. . . Oops! . . Wrong website, sorry."(See Note 1)
(Note 1)
Librivox is a wonderful site with lots of Orczy stories on it - three of them are SP novels. Go there. Listen. Enjoy.