Thanks to all who reviewed on the 1st chapter!
Part 2
"Martin, wait a minute," Sam said, stopping him just outside of the bar.
He turned to face her, confused. He forced a smile, trying to appear less nervous than he was. But Danny was just steps away, and Martin still wasn't sure if he could even do this. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to act? They'd been apart for years…and they'd parted on such terrible terms. He had no idea what he was going to do once he actually saw Danny. But the anticipation was killing him, and suddenly Sam looked uncertain and nervous. It made him further doubt that this was a good idea.
"What is it Sam?" he asked softly, trying his hardest not to let his emotions show. But he was a mess. If Sam was having second thoughts on bringing the two of them together then how on earth was he supposed to find the courage to actually go inside?
"I just…Martin I never told you the truth. Not completely anyway," she said, her voice sounding strange to his ears. It was guilt and a certain kind of fear…neither of which he understood. Neither of which he could deal with right now.
"The truth about what?"
"I…I know what happened when the two of you broke up," she whispered, her eyes meeting his for a brief moment before darting away.
But he couldn't quite figure out what she was getting at. He hugged his arms tightly across his chest, trying to stay warm, but his nerves were a bigger part of his dropping temperature than the weather was. "Sam…I don't know what you mean," he said impatiently. "And you're really not helping my confidence right now!"
"I'm sorry," she replied gently, reaching out and touching her glove-covered hand to his cheek. "But what I have to say doesn't…it doesn't change anything now. You still need to go in there and talk to him."
"What if he doesn't want to talk to me?" His voice was fearful, soft and Sam stepped closer to him, offering comfort.
"He will," she said confidently. "I already told you that he misses you…that he has for a long time."
He searched her eyes for a moment, looking for the lie, but he saw none. It still didn't make him any less nervous. "What is it you have to tell me then?" he asked again. "And do you have to tell me now? I mean…it's freezing out here Sam!"
She rolled her eyes and hit him lightly on the arm. "You've been away from New York for too long. And yes…I have to tell you now. I want you to know before you talk to him," she said. The soft guilt was back in her voice and she looked down and sighed. When she raised her eyes again they were full of worry. "He told me what happened when you broke up Martin. He told me everything."
He froze, eyes wide as he looked at her, unable to look away no matter how desperately he wanted to. "When?" It was the only thing he could think of to ask. Terrifying that she knew the whole story…because he'd fought long and hard at keeping that particular memory locked tightly away.
"When it happened," she answered. "I…I went to see him that night. The night you came to my house."
Trembling, he took a step backwards until his back touched the wall of the building. The brick was cold against his body but it was solid…something he needed right now. He remembered very little from the night he'd talked to Sam. It had been a few weeks after he and Danny had actually broken up, after he'd confronted Danny about his alcoholism. But he had never told Sam that; had told her it had only happened a few days prior to the night he came to see her. He'd lived those few weeks in between in a sort of daze…not really certain of where he stood or what was important in his life. He had lived out of a hotel, unable to go back to their apartment and gather his things…doing so would've made everything too final. He spent those weeks desperately trying not to recall what had happened during their fight. The days were a blur, the nights a jumble of terrifying nightmares and the inability to sleep most of the time. By the time he'd finally told Sam what had happened, it was still fresh in his mind because he hadn't let himself think about it until then. She had insisted that he stay at her place that night, practically tucking him in, pressing a kiss to his forehead and murmuring something silly like "it'll be all right," before she left the room. But it hadn't been all right. It still wasn't.
"After you fell asleep I told Jack what had happened and said that I had to go see Danny," she explained, stepping closer and gently touching his shoulder again. "I hated seeing you so hurt Martin, but I had to…had to know his side of the story too."
"He told you everything?" he whispered. The urge to run was overwhelming because he didn't want to think about that night right now. He didn't want to think about that night ever again. And Sam had known all along…his deepest secret.
She nodded, both hands on his arms now, probably knowing he wanted to escape. "Honey, you know that it wasn't your fault, right?" she asked gently.
He bit his lip and shook his head, pressing back further against the cold wall of the building. "Just tell me what happened," he whispered, desperate for anything that would keep him from having to talk about it. Even if it meant hearing her talk about it….
"So, let me guess…Martin told you what happened," he snapped, watching as she took off her coat and draped it over the back of a chair.
She raised an eyebrow and looked at him curiously, surprised by his tone. She had been here less than two minutes and he was already on the defensive. A desperate, trembling Martin flashed before her eyes and she had to fight the flash of anger she felt towards Danny at that moment. "He told me that the two of you broke up. That you threw him out," she replied coolly.
Pain flashed through Danny's eyes before he hid it with a cynical, indifferent shrug and turned away. She knew that he was hurting…probably just as badly as Martin. Because she knew how much Danny loved him, how much Danny needed him. But his pride was easier to wound and Danny was the one that had been put on the spot…accused of something Sam knew was true: he was an alcoholic. Furthermore, she wanted to comfort him, because they were both her friends and she didn't love one more than the other, but she had to act completely different than she had with Martin. Especially because now that she knew the truth, she wanted to address that issue in the same breath…she wanted to help him.
"What happened Danny?" she asked.
"I thought you knew," he snapped angrily, arms crossed across his chest as he faced her. He made no move to sit down or invite her to do so.
So she stepped closer and mimicked his position, not about to back down. "But I want to hear your side of things."
He narrowed his eyes for a moment, suspicious and not trusting her words. But when she didn't look away he gave up and ran his hands through his hair instead, flinging his arms out to the side then and looking frustrated. "He's changed Sam," he said defensively.
She shook her head. "No he hasn't. Tell me what happened Danny," she persisted, watching as his expression again flashed with anger and then avoidance. He was hiding something.
"Then how do you explain what he said?"
"What did he say?"
"You know what he said! He came to see you, didn't he?!" Danny yelled, exasperated.
"Yes he did," she answered calmly. "And I know what he told me. I'm sure that you know what he told me too. But Danny, tell me this…why is it you can't bring yourself to say it now?"
"It's not true!" he screamed, face red with anger, eyes so dark they were almost black.
She would've flinched had she not known him so long and so well. Instead she held up her hands in defeat – a lie of course – and nodded. "Fine, it's not true. So why didn't you explain that to him?"
"I did! I tried to tell him over and over but he wouldn't listen. He just kept…"
"What Danny? What did he do?" she asked.
"Don't push me Sam," he threatened, backing away from her with a certain amount of fear on his face. It was mixed in with the anger and as he started pacing back and forth across his living room, she watched the fear start to overtake that anger. "He kept accusing me of…of drinking too much," he said, voice a tad softer now, filled with nerves. "That I drink when I'm stressed or to avoid stress…or how I have to order a drink as soon as we go out somewhere, which I don't," he insisted quickly. She said nothing, only nodded a little, indicating for him to continue. She was afraid to interrupt, hoping that if he talked it out himself that he'd be able to see it for what it was. "He said I…drink when I wake up sometimes, that I always have something to drink before bed…he just kept going on and on."
His voice was unsteady now, as the words seemed to tumble out of him. She wanted nothing more than to offer comfort but was certain that it'd be better for her to wait. "I…how could he say all of that to me?" he asked softly.
She waited a few minutes, wanting to see if he said anything else. But he seemed at a loss for words now as he sat down on the couch and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. Rather than sit next to him as she had with Martin, she sat down in the chair across from him and watched him carefully. Danny had always been so much harder to comfort than Martin. For anything. Martin turned inward and hid his pain a lot of the time, but once she found a way through to it, she always found a way to comfort him. But Danny was harder, because while he showed his pain outwardly most of the time, he practically refused sympathy. Martin was probably the only one who'd been able to find a way past his walls, but she wasn't sure that she ever had.
"Was he right?" she asked gently.
He looked up sharply, his eyes locked on hers, a certain desperation in his gaze that she hated seeing. It was painful and frightening, and she was beginning to realize just how much she wanted to help him. How much he needed that help.
"Danny…" she murmured his name, leaning forward slightly and reaching for his hand.
The second she touched him he pulled back and stood up again, looking at her angrily. "No Sam, he wasn't right. He's not right. I'm not an…alcoholic!" he said coldly, his voice breaking only for a second over the last word.
The problem now was his pride, his stubbornness…but more directly his fear. She knew that he knew Martin's words had been true, but she couldn't force him to admit that. Instead, she nodded, forcing herself not to cry as she stood up and gathered her coat into her arms.
"Good night Sam," he whispered, waving randomly towards the door before turning away.
She hesitated before slipping on her coat. She wanted to walk over to where he stood by the window, holding himself so rigidly; probably desperate for her to leave so he could release the emotions he didn't want her to see. She wanted to wrap her arms around him the way she had with Martin and offer comfort. But she knew enough to know that it would make things worse.
"Good night Danny," she replied sadly. A heavy sadness settled over her heart as she turned away, walking slowly through his living room and through the hallway to the door. She wanted so badly to help him, to make things better…for both of them. She couldn't imagine them not being together and it hurt to even think about it.
"Sam…wait." Just about to open the door, she stopped and turned around at the sound of his voice…hoarse and uneven. He stood a few feet away now, leaning against the wall for support, his face wet with tears. Her heart throbbed painfully and she stepped towards him, stopping quickly when he shook his head. He had his arms wrapped tightly across his chest now, eyes filling up with tears once more as he looked at her.
"I did something terrible Sam," he said very softly, a certain panic leaking out with his words.
She looked at him carefully, seeing for the first time the dark circles under his eyes and the way he was trembling slightly. He had his hand on the wall now, but stayed a few feet away from her, unwilling it seemed, to come any closer. He seemed to be pleading with her for something and the only thing she could think to do was ask him to explain.
"What's wrong Danny? What happened?" she asked quietly. She took a step closer to him, stopping abruptly when he backed up, his eyes widening fearfully. He seemed afraid for her to get too close. It worried her, and her mind started to race through all of the possibilities of what he could have done that he professed to be so terrible. And she wanted to comfort him somehow, but she sensed his reluctance for that. He leaned against the wall again and tried to meet her eyes. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, finally settling them tightly behind his back. Still, he hadn't answered her and she was becoming more and more concerned. "Danny?"
"I hit him," he whispered, pain flashing brightly across his face. He squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered softly as he sunk down to the floor. He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly, drawing in on himself.
She watched him fall apart, frozen to her own spot on the floor now, too shocked to move or even to say anything. It was devastating to watch him cry, to see his obvious and powerful remorse, the hurt that radiated from him brightly. But she didn't know what to do, what to say. Of all the things he could have said, she had never expected this. She knew all about Danny's tragic and painful childhood…the abuse he and his brother had suffered at the hands of their father. It wasn't something he had shared easily or even very willingly, but she knew…she and Martin both knew. And it had affected him to the point that made him vow to never be the same way…to never raise his hand to anyone. She knew this. Yet she also knew he had a temper. Something he worked hard to control, but was often beyond him…especially if he'd been drinking.
But more than all that she knew just how much he loved Martin. How careful he was and always had been with Martin. Because Martin, while very attracted to Danny despite their initial bickering and dislike of one another, had been cautious and wary of starting a relationship with him. And Danny had gone to great lengths with him to get to where the two of them were now. Or had been.
"Sam…I'm so sorry," he cried, forcing himself to look up at her. His voice sounded so small, so full or regret and anguish.
She bit down on her lip, drawing in a deep breath and trying not to cry herself. His eyes were haunted, filled with a deep and dark sort of pain that she couldn't deny. Cautiously, still not sure if he would welcome her comfort, she sat down next to him on the floor and gently touched his arm. To her great surprise he turned to her and leaned closer, didn't push her away when she hugged him.
"I…I wasn't thinking," he said mournfully as he lay his head on her shoulder. "He just kept…wanting to help me, telling me what he saw in me and I…I lost my temper. I couldn't listen to him anymore and I…oh God…" he broke off, his body trembling in her arms. He sobbed against her, holding her tightly, leaning against both her and the wall as if one alone wasn't enough to hold him up. "He…he looked at me and he was afraid Sam! I made him afraid of me! And I tried to take it back, to apologize but…how could I? He didn't say anything else…not even when I made it worse and told him to leave, that we were through. I just…there's no way I can make this better…" he trailed off, voice breaking again.
She wasn't quite sure how to comfort him. On one hand she wanted to be angry, to yell at him or even easier…just walk away. But he was shattered and lost and she was afraid of what he might do if she left. So instead she let him cry, gently running her fingers through his hair and staying silent, waiting for his tears to pass. She was beginning to realize too that this was, even more than their actual breakup, what had put Martin so on edge, had left him trembling and broken. And this was what he'd hidden from her, because she had known there was something. They must have actually broken up weeks ago, maybe while she and Jack were still on their honeymoon. She shuddered to think of what Martin had been going through on his own since then, waiting for her return, needing someone to talk to.
Eventually, Danny stopped crying. Exhausted, he slipped out of her embrace, leaning back against the wall and shutting his eyes. Gently she touched his cheek with her fingertips but he flinched and turned away, wrapping his arms around his chest as he did. Frowning, she moved closer and bit down on her lip.
"Danny look at me," she demanded softly, waiting until he did as she requested. His eyes were still tear-stained, haunted and empty. "I love you honey," she said earnestly, pressing her hand more firmly against his cheek when he tried to turn away. "I don't understand what you did or why you did it, but I know that you regret it. I know that you love him and that hurting him, especially like that…is killing you." He only nodded in response, blinking back another onslaught of tears. "But Danny, think about this please…what Martin said to you, the problem he suggested you have…could what you did to him be because of that?" she asked softly.
His eyes narrowed and he shook his head. "Sam…"
"Danny!" she interrupted, frustrated and uncertain of what she was doing. "Think about it! You hit him!" she said heatedly, seeing him wince at her words. But she didn't stop, needing him to understand. "It's hardly like that's normal behavior for you, and it's something that you've fought against your whole life. But I don't think the problem is your temper as much as what you let fuel it. Were you drinking that night?"
"Sam…" he threatened, eyes flashing with defensive anger now.
"Answer me!" she yelled, tired of his denial, even though logically, she knew it wasn't something she could force.
"Yes!" he answered. "I'd had a fucking drink! Is that what you wanted to hear?!"
She was betting it had been more than one drink, but she didn't take the time to debate that issue. "Had you been sober, would you have hit him?"
"I don't know!" he yelled. His eyes were angry, holding her gaze until she looked away.
Sighing, she blinked back tears and stood up, grabbing her coat from where it had fallen on the floor and slipping into it. Hesitating, she leaned down a little and gently squeezed his shoulder. But she said nothing and neither did he, although she gave him ample time to stop her as she lingered in the doorway, finally giving up and closing the door behind her.
"I didn't want you to know Sam," Martin whispered, his blue eyes sad and scared, haunted much in the same way Danny's had been all those years ago.
She nodded, tentatively reaching out to touch his arm. It was cold and their breath was steaming between them, but it didn't bother her. It was Martin's sad and empty expression that left her shivering. She longed for him to say something else, to talk to her about what happened. She wanted him to open up to her…but she knew he wouldn't. No matter what she said, he'd keep this pain inside, and she understood why. He'd never wanted her to know, had never wanted anyone to know. It was something private and dark that he'd probably never really worked through…in fact she knew he hadn't. His fearful, desperate expression told her that. There was only one person who could possibly help him let go of the memory and the pain.
"You've never talked to him about it, have you?" she asked gently.
He shook his head. "How could I? I left after that and the next time I saw him it was at your sons' christening," he said bitterly. "Sometimes I just wish that I hadn't…"
"You hadn't what?" she asked when he didn't finish, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Confronted him?"
He nodded meekly. "Maybe then he wouldn't have…"
"Hit you?" she finished.
He shrugged, completely closed off now. "I don't know."
Sighing, she shut her eyes and counted to ten. "Where would he have been if you hadn't confronted him about his alcoholism?" she asked, trying not to sound angry or impatient. He didn't answer and she fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Jesus Martin…he was well on his way to killing himself as much as he used to drink. You know that," she stressed, her hands on his shoulders now. "And do you think that if you'd stayed…if you'd said nothing and stayed…would you be happy? Either of you?"
He shook his head, meeting her eyes reluctantly. "Probably not."
Relieved that he had agreed, she smiled softly and squeezed his shoulders. "You need to talk to him…about all of it," she said.
"I don't know if I can," he whispered. "I didn't before. I just left," he said guiltily. "I moved away before and didn't even try to talk to him…I couldn't."
"But neither could he," Sam replied. "I didn't see him for at least two months after that night. I tried to see him, to call him but…he wouldn't let me. I knew he was okay because Vivian talked to him occasionally. When he showed up at my door a few months later he'd changed Martin. He'd gotten help, he'd stopped drinking…" she said, a note of pride in her voice. "But the one thing he never worked up enough courage for was to talk to you. It's hung over his head ever since, and he needs to put it behind him. So do you," she said firmly.
Martin could only nod, knowing she was right, but not knowing how he was supposed to face Danny again after all this time. After everything that had happened between them. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to banish his fear. He had to take this chance, had to push past his uncertainty…because his life had been hollow for too long. Bravely, he opened his eyes again and smiled at her. His nerves were still firmly in place, but he wasn't going to let them stop him.
Gripping tightly to Sam's hand he followed her down the stairs to the bar he'd opened with her and Danny years ago. It was nostalgic enough just being here again. When he'd moved to Washington, he'd remained a partner in their business, communicating only through Sam, but he'd missed actually being here. The establishment that the three of them had dreamed up together and made into a reality. He felt a surge of pride as they stepped inside.
Sam led him around the bar to the smaller, quieter room they'd had put in the back. It still got rowdy and noisy when there was a bigger crowd of people, but being that it was a Wednesday, the crowd was relatively small and most of it had gathered in the room around the bar.
There were a few other people in the smaller room, but Martin saw none of them. He stopped as they stepped through the doorway, frozen in place as his eyes found Danny. Danny who was smiling at Vivian who sat across the table from him, laughing at something she had said. He looked…great. Healthy, happy…so beautiful. Martin tried to catch his breath, praying that Danny didn't see him for a few more minutes so he had a chance to observe him unnoticed. Martin had remembered everything about Danny perfectly, but seeing him again only reinforced and fed those memories. His dark, thick hair that Martin could practically feel between his fingers, his warm, smiling eyes, his mouth…
Shivering, Martin untied his scarf and shoved his gloves into his pockets. Quickly, he grasped Sam's hand and met her eyes. She seemed amused. He wanted to say something, to stop her before she called Danny's name…but if he spoke he knew Danny would hear him. No escaping now.
"Danny…are you done studying yet?" Sam called from across the room, a light, innocent tone in her voice that Martin felt like smacking out of her.
But then the thought was gone…in fact he couldn't think at all. Danny had looked up, smiling at the sound of Sam's voice, but he'd only looked at her for a moment before he glanced Martin's way. His smile faded and Martin saw him swallow hard. His brown eyes filled with surprise and fear and a powerful sort of hurt. Martin couldn't say anything, couldn't do anything but stare back, caught helplessly in Danny's gaze.
He wasn't sure how long they stayed frozen, staring at one another. Eventually, he felt a tug on his arm and realized Sam was pulling him along with her, closer to the table…closer to Danny. Vaguely he was aware of Vivian's greeting, which he managed to return, hugging her hello and watching quietly as she gathered her stuff. Danny had said nothing but Martin's hug with Vivian had finally broken their eye contact. He had no idea how to get it back now.
The next thing he knew he was sitting across from the man he had missed for so long. Sam was at his side, smiling mischievously and looking immensely proud of herself. She glanced back and forth between the two of them and sighed impatiently. But she knew better than to goad them into this too quickly…so she started talking instead, telling Danny that Martin was visiting her, Jack and the boys; telling Martin that Danny was only a few months away from taking the Bar.
She talked more than she normally would, wanting to fill their silence and hoping to get one or both of them to jump in at some point. But Martin heard very little of what she said, concentrating instead on staring at his hands on the table in front of him. Occasionally he'd let his eyes wander a little…seeing Danny's hands mere inches away. Bravely, he even tried to look up, to meet Danny's eyes, only to look back down if Danny did the same.
All the while he was remembering. Sam's words only white noise now as the memories rushed over him. Surprisingly good ones…
Neither of them went home for Christmas. They'd already spent a good portion of their winter break at school with Sam working on that project. She'd gone to visit her sister for the holiday, but Martin had made the excuse to his parents that the trip to Washington just wasn't practical for such a short time. Not that it was, by any means, a long trip. In the end, they'd agreed, only reinforcing the fact that Martin knew they'd be happier without him home anyway. Danny, in turn, really didn't have anyone to go home to. He had no real ties with his last foster family, his brother was in jail…staying at school was his only real option.
Nonetheless, the holiday made them both slightly nostalgic and wishful, and when Martin had shyly invited Danny to spend the day at his aunt's house upstate, Danny had agreed easily. Martin had been surprised by how easily Danny had fit in with him there. Even more surprised at the way they seemed to project the image that they'd been friends for a long time. Or friends since the beginning of the semester at least. The truth was, of course, quite different, and a part of Martin still felt odd that he'd even invited Danny. But the time they'd spent together with Sam working on their class project had made them closer.
Inviting Danny to Christmas dinner so he wouldn't have to be alone was one thing, but Martin was pretty sure that once they were back at school their closeness would diminish. They hardly had anything in common after all. And a semester's worth of dislike was unlikely to turn around after a few weeks of friendliness.
That was why Martin was so surprised to find Danny in his dorm room, the two of them eating pizza and watching a movie together. It was still winter break and there were still very few people back on campus. Sam wouldn't be back for a few more days and Martin had been content to hole up in his room, review his classes for the next semester, watch movies and just revel in the freedom he had away from his strict family.
But having Danny here with him was…unnerving. Martin still wasn't entirely sure where they stood. Were they friends now? Was Danny just here because practically everyone else had gone home and he was lonely? Worst of all, Martin couldn't stop the feelings that had been growing in him for weeks now. Feelings that left him shaky and scared and excited at the same time. Feelings for Danny. He liked looking at Danny. Liked the way his dark hair was always spiked up and messy, leaving Martin to wonder what it felt like. Liked his eyes, which lit up and became so warm when he laughed…or left Martin breathless and uncertain when they looked at him a certain way. Looks Martin had never been able to understand. He liked Danny's lips…found himself wondering if they would feel as soft as they looked, what they would feel like against his own…
Martin had known for a long time that he was bisexual. That he was into guys as much, if not more, than girls. But he had very little experience with either. He'd had sex with a girl in high school…once. He'd kissed another guy. There was very little else he could add to that list.
Danny had caught his eye from the moment they'd met. But accompanied with his attraction had been an instant dislike and desire to compete. Now that all of their animosity was gone though…he wasn't quite sure what to do. And without the buffer of Samantha between them, Martin had to wonder what might happen next.
"Let's go out," Danny said suddenly, standing up and stretching a bit. He raised his arms over his head, which tugged his t-shirt upwards slightly, affording Martin a brief glance at his stomach.
Swallowing hard, Martin blushed and looked away quickly, not wanting to get caught. "Go where?" he asked.
Danny shrugged. "I dunno…nowhere special. But I'm tired of being trapped in these tiny dorm rooms. We could go get something to eat," he suggested.
Martin laughed and looked at him strangely. "We just ate pizza," he pointed out.
"I'm sure you won't complain if we happen to eat something else," Danny teased, his eyes bright as he smiled.
Martin felt himself shiver at Danny's smile and he berated himself inwardly, feeling like a thirteen-year-old girl. "All right, let's go," he agreed, unable to say no.
It was hours later when they made it back to Martin's dorm room, having spent the evening walking through the city with no particular destination in mind. Stopping here and there to window-shop, to step inside different places and warm up…to eat. Martin couldn't recall having such a free and easy night with a friend in a very long time. But the thought brought his worries back and he felt compelled to find out the truth.
"What's wrong Martin?" he asked, mimicking Martin's frown and crossing his arms over his chest as he stood in Martin's doorway, the hall behind him empty of anyone else.
"Nothing," Martin lied weakly, biting his lip nervously when Danny gave him an obvious I'm-not-buying-it look.
"Come on, tell me," Danny insisted.
Sighing, Martin looked down, feeling awkward and uncertain. He shook his head, wishing – not for the first time – that Danny weren't so persistent. But he needed to have his question answered and now was as good a time as any. "I just…are we…" he trailed off, frustrated. He had no idea how to phrase his words without sounding immature and silly. "Did you really want to hang out with me tonight?" he asked finally.
Danny frowned and looked at him quizzically. "Of course I did. What do you mean?"
Martin shook his head again, feeling ridiculous. "I just wasn't sure coz Danny we haven't…I mean, we're not exactly…"
"Friends?" Danny asked, finishing what Martin found himself unable to.
Martin nodded, quickly avoiding Danny's gaze again. He sucked in a sharp breath, shivering when he felt Danny's fingers beneath his chin, forcing him to look up and meet his eyes.
Danny smiled at him, a gentle sort of patience in his eyes…and something else Martin was afraid to make too much of. "I want us to be friends," Danny said softly.
Martin was suddenly very aware of how close Danny was to him, how he'd yet to remove his fingers from Martin's skin. He found it very hard to look away now and he swallowed hard when Danny's fingers moved slightly…so very much like a caress. "I want that too," Martin finally answered, his voice shaking slightly, much to his discern.
Danny's smile brightened and he stepped back a little ways. Martin noticed that he seemed a little shaken himself, taking a deep breath and running his hand through his hair as he grinned. But Martin couldn't figure out why that would be…in fact the more he thought about it, the more he was able to convince himself that it hadn't even happened.
"I'll see you tomorrow Martin," he said. "Lunch?"
Martin nodded and forced himself to smile. "Sounds good."
From there they spent the remaining days of their winter break in each other's company. Whether staying in and watching movies or talking in one of their dorm rooms, or going out and discovering more of New York…they were constantly together. Martin was happier than he had been in a very long time and the more time he spent with Danny the more he found himself fantasizing about him. He was uncertain though. Couldn't tell if Danny felt the same way. There were moments when Martin was almost positive that he did, but he could never find the courage to ask or to make a move…terrified that Danny would reject him. And then he would lose his friendship as well as the chance at anything more.
It was a Friday…their last one before classes resumed. Sam would be coming back tomorrow, and this almost unrealistic period of aloneness would be over. Martin wanted so desperately to do or say something that would make it last, to find out if Danny wanted what he did. Again, he found himself wishing that Danny weren't so hard for him to read.
"Fitz, you wanna go anywhere tonight?" Danny asked as the TV show they had been half-watching ended.
Martin shook his head, not really answering, staring instead at the television as if the commercials were so captivating. But the screen went blank suddenly and he was forced to look up, meeting Danny's questioning gaze reluctantly. He bit his lip and tried to smile, wishing Danny's gaze wasn't so penetrating. He was helpless to move as Danny got out of the chair he was lounging in and sat next to Martin on his bed.
"Where are you?" Danny asked, smiling softly.
Martin rolled his eyes and forced a laugh. "Sorry, just got distracted."
"By the show?"
Martin shook his head. "No," he answered quietly.
"What then?"
Taking a deep breath, Martin looked up and smiled weakly at Danny. "I just…well, everyone's going to start moving back tomorrow, and Sam will be coming back and I just…I'll miss…this…" he answered, stumbling over his words, wondering how Danny would take them. Danny looked at him closely, trapping Martin in his gaze as he tried to figure something out in his head. "I…I like being with you Danny," Martin admitted, needing to fill the silence between them. "Just you and I…" he trailed off, waiting for Danny to figure things out…and then freak out.
Instead he felt Danny's hand on his neck, his thumb gently rubbing the sensitive skin behind his ear. He shivered and met dark, warm eyes…his own gaze filled with surprise and nervousness. "I like being with you too," Danny said softly. He leaned closer and Martin had no time to answer, no time to panic or do anything other than tremble and lean into Danny's touch. "Couldn't you tell?"
Danny pressed his lips to Martin's and kissed him softly, his fingers still moving gently on Martin's neck. Martin quickly lost himself in Danny's light touch, found himself returning the kiss with an ease he wouldn't have thought possible. He shivered, surprised when he felt Danny do the same. Tentatively, he put his hand on Danny's shoulder, fingers creeping anxiously towards his neck, wanting to touch his warm skin. As the kiss deepened, Martin whimpered softly, trembling slightly, warmth spreading through him quickly. His fingers slipped into Danny's hair and pressed closer to the other man as Danny's tongue touched his.
He felt dizzy and lightheaded and undeniably happy. When they finally broke apart minutes later, he smiled shyly, blushing as Danny ran his thumb over Martin's bottom lip and met his eyes. Danny's own dark gaze was full of things Martin had been afraid to look for, afraid to ask for, but things he knew he wanted very badly. Danny laughed softly and pulled him closer, his arms coming around Martin and holding him tightly. Danny's earlier words came back to him and he shut his eyes as he returned the embrace.
Couldn't you tell?
Now that he thought back, replaying their days together in his head there were clues that he'd been oblivious to. The way Danny flirted with him, the way Danny touched him unnecessarily…the things he sometimes saw in Danny's smile that were so much more than simple friendship.
"I've wanted to kiss you for a long time Fitzie," Danny murmured, his breath warm against Martin's ear. He pulled back slightly and smiled as he looked into Martin's eyes.
"You have?"
Danny grinned and leaned closer until their foreheads touched. "Yes," he answered, lips brushing against Martin's mouth. Martin laughed in return, initiating another kiss, warmth spreading all through him again.
"So Danny, this means you…you want to…do this?" he asked, blushing furiously as he realized his words. "I mean…you and me," he amended softly, embarrassed.
But Danny didn't laugh, tilting Martin's chin up to meet his eyes. Martin saw nothing but honesty there as Danny nodded and smiled gently at him. Eventually Martin found himself able to smile back, laughing nervously and still blushing. Danny laughed and pulled him close again, his fingers passing softly through Martin's hair and across the back of his neck.
"Yes Martin," he answered. "I want this." He pressed his lips to Martin's temple and then his cheek, a smile still on his lips that Martin could feel. "I'm looking forward to this…to you and I. To finding out if when you blush it spreads everywhere…" he teased, voice lower now. Martin shivered and hugged him tighter, his words and their implications spreading through him quickly and leaving him slightly breathless.
They ended up in each other's company for the rest of the night. Talking, laughing, kissing. Neither of them wanted to move too fast, wanting to go slowly and to savor each moment together. They decided to keep things a secret from Sam until they were comfortable with her knowing…with anyone knowing. But it was easy to be together…easier than either of them had thought, and falling in love had been all too simple.
tbc...