I woke up to a tear stained pillow and light streaming in through the open windows. The rest of the room was empty, and I closed my eyes again, enjoying the comfort of my bed.
Until I remembered the events of yesterday.
My eyes flew open, and I stared at the ceiling, reliving mine and Potter's fight. Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut for God's sake - I knew I was crossing a line and yet for some reason I couldn't stop.
Why couldn't I just keep my bloody temper under control?
I sat up, and immediately my head began to spin. I'd slept fitfully last night, my mind plagued with memories I'd hoped to have forgotten by now. Still, that didn't mean I could wallow in bed all day…
Oh, screw it.
I dropped my head back onto my pillow with a thump, and proceeded to wallow in a pit of self-inflicted misery.
That is, until I heard two pairs of footsteps enter my room.
"Oh good, she's awake." Cassie's face loomed above me. "Get out of bed Liv, there's no use wallowing all day."
Well, there goes my plan for today.
I pulled the covers over my head and mumbled my disagreement. There was no way I was facing everyone after yesterday's spectacle in the common room. No, it was better that I stay locked up in the dormitory and never show my face to the world again. I might even decide to invest in a paper bag in case I absolutely had to leave my room, since I wasn't planning on starving myself.
Almost reading my mind, I heard Erin's voice saying "You can't just lock yourself in here forever - you're going to have to face the rest of the world sooner or later."
When I made it clear that I wasn't going to cooperate, I felt my mattress tip dangerously to the side.
"OKAY OKAY!" I screeched, not willing to end up on the floor so early in the morning. "I'll get up."
They grinned victoriously, and Cassie chucked me my towel and some clothes once I had successfully gotten out of bed.
"Now, go shower." She said, wrinkling her nose. "You stink."
I rolled my eyes, then realised someone was missing. With a sinking feeling, I realised it must be because of my slightly - ahem - hurtful words to her cousin.
"Guys…" I asked, half not wanting to know the answer. "Where's Rose?"
They looked uncomfortable.
"Well, you see…" Cassie began.
"She's avoiding you." Erin blurted out, tactful as always. "She thinks you both were out of line and now she's torn because she doesn't want to take sides between her friend and her cousin."
I cringed. Sooner or later, I was going to have to sort things out with the rest of the Potters and Weasleys - I doubt they were pleased with the things I'd said, whether I'd meant them or not.
"But you can sort things out after you shower." Cassie said, noticing my thoughtful silence. "Now, go."
As I shut the bathroom door behind me, I heard Erin's voice through the door.
"Oh yeah - we also brought you breakfast."
Did I mention how much I love my friends?
One long shower later, I emerged from the bathroom, dressed and ready to sort out my mess.
… Actually, I was still quite inclined towards hiding out in my bed until everyone had forgotten the whole ordeal.
Unfortunately, my friends had other ideas.
"Eat." commanded Erin, passing me some toast and a muffin, as I sat down on my bed. "And then you can go and fix the mess you've made."
"Nuh-uh" I mumbled, my mouth filled with food. I couldn't face Potter, not after all the shit I'd said to him.
Cassie looked at me, a mixture of exasperation and concern displayed on her face. "Come on Liv, at least patch things up with Rose first. It's the least you can do."
Well, Rose was one of my best friends. And at the moment apologising to her seemed a lot less daunting than confronting Potter, not to mention the rest of their abnormally huge family.
"Fine." I muttered, very well aware that I was being extraordinarily immature about the whole thing. "After I finish eating."
"We wouldn't have expected anything else." Said Erin dryly.
I noticed Cassie looking unusually hesitant, staring at me from where she sat crosslegged on the floor.
"What is it, Cass?" I asked, wondering what the matter was.
She bit her lip, a telltale sign she was making a decision. "I was just wondering… how come you left so suddenly last night? I mean when we followed you up you'd shut the curtains around your bed and were either asleep or pretending to be, and something Albus said seemed to really bother you…" She trailed off, looking uncertain.
I looked at Erin, who had a similar expression on her face, almost as if she'd been about to ask something similar.
Guilt welled up inside of me. Erin and Cassie knew something was bothering me, and they were worried, but couldn't do anything about it since they didn't know what exactly was wrong. After all, I hadn't told anyone about… that day. When I joined in first year, the memory was still fresh in my mind, so much that I had trouble sleeping, and Rose, Erin and Cassie had all been there to get me through it. Throughout the whole ordeal, they never asked questions, only making sure that I knew they were there for me no matter what. Whenever things got exceptionally bad, they'd make me go talk to my older brother Liam, who, being family, was one of the few people that knew the whole story. As the years went by, I'd slowly begun to get over it and move on, but now after mine and Potter's spat, I found myself reliving old experiences.
"It's okay guys." I muttered. "I'll be fine." A blatant lie. Neither of them looked satisfied.
"Maybe you should go see Liam?" Erin suggested.
"No it's okay, I've got this." Seeing their distrustful looks, I amended, "If I find that it gets worse I'll go talk to him."
But the unsaid problem hung in the air - Liam was going to graduate this year, and after that I had to learn to cope on my own. It had been six years, for goodness' sake, I needed to get over this.
Pushing the thought away from my mind, I finished my muffin and got up.
"Alright." I said, feeling surprisingly optimistic. "Time to find Rose."
"Now there's the Olivia we all know and love." Erin grinned.
I shrugged. "She was bound to return eventually." But despite my cool facade, worry continued to eat at me inside. And despite their grins, I could tell my friends were concerned, but knew not to press the issue (at least for now).
As expected, I found Rose in the library, trying to get through some transfiguration reading. I stood awkwardly at the side of the table, wondering how best to approach her, when she looked up and sighed.
"What do you want?" She said, even though she knew exactly what I wanted.
"Oh… Well I - um…" I mumbled, not sure what to say. After all, apologies weren't exactly my strong suit (blame the Gryffindor pride, not me).
"You're nervous." She stated, a hint of a smile on her lips.
"Am not." I shot back, immediately on guard.
"Yes you are. You're doing that… tapping thing again."
And sure enough, I looked down to find my fingers drumming on the table and my foot tapping the floor. Oh.
I stopped, and looked up at her again. This was Rose goddamnit - my best friend! If i couldn't manage an apology to her, I had no chance with Potter.
"I'm sorry." I muttered at last, looking at the floor. "I know I shouldn't have said those things, and put you in such an uncomfortable position - you know, what with you being friends with me and cousins with Potter, and I know you've kind of been stuck in the middle since me and Potter kind of hate each other - and I didn't honestly mean that stuff I swear, it just kind of slipped out since I was so caught up in the moment and so bloody pissed off and honestly I just wanted to say something that would bother Potter since he seems so bloody immune to anything I say or do and ugh…"
She cut my eloquent apology off by standing up and gathering her books. Thinking she was about to leave me, I hurriedly said "No, Rose wait! I'm not done, I -"
She silenced me with a look.
"Liv, you're rambling again."
I stopped.
"Now come on, we'll talk outside - Pince is giving us both death glares as I speak." And sure enough, the elderly librarian was eyeing us both distrustfully with her beady black eyes, ready to throw us out should we make anymore noise. I hurried after Rose, not wanting to lose library privileges so close to OWLs.
Once we were outside, we headed towards the fourth floor corridor that faced the courtyard without speaking. For some reason, since second year we'd started coming here whenever we knew we were about to have a long conversation or a heart to heart - don't ask why, that's just how it is. It was partially to save us the long trek up the stairs to the Gryffindor dorms, and partly because the corridor was a nice spot: quiet and airy with light streaming in from the ceiling-high windows.
We reached the middle of the corridor and sat down on the left hand side, leaning against the wall.
"I really am sorry -" I began, finding the silence awkward.
"No, it's okay Liv, I know you are." Rose interrupted. "And I'm not mad… exactly. Al is family, not to mention one of my closest cousins, and it's hard being caught up in the middle of your feud, but I know that things in that department aren't exactly going to change anytime soon…"
I stayed silent, and she carried on.
"It's just that… the stuff you said, mainly about Al being the son of Harry Potter, it kind of applies to all of us. I mean all of the Weasley-Potters. We're all the children of famous war heroes, and we all have expectations forced on us. Hearing you say that stuff affected a lot of us, cause it made us realise that no matter how close to anyone we are, it doesn't change the fact that some part of them will always see us as our last names."
"No, Rose, you know that's not true -" I tried to explain.
"No, Liv, listen to me." She said, and I shut up again. "I know you only directed what you were saying at Al, but it's relevant to us all. No matter what we do, we are all Potters and Weasleys, and we will be compared to our parents, whether we like it or not. But for most of our time at Hogwarts, we thought people had begun to see us as more than our last names. Your… outburst…yesterday changed that, and we've sort of been forced to realise that even friends do still have that image of us as the children of war heroes."
Her deep brown eyes betrayed her hurt, although her composure remained calm. I hated myself for making my friend go through this.
"Are you done?" I asked, and when Rose said nothing, I continued. "Now you listen Rose. I have spent summers on end with your family. I've played quidditch with you and your cousins, tested out joke products with your uncle and dad and had your mum teach me transfiguration. I know that you and your family are some of the most down to earth people, despite what the papers say. I know how your nan loves knitting everyone jumpers for christmas, how Lily's afraid of the dark, how your Uncle George hates mirrors, and how Al- What I mean to say is I know your family and I know that they're all so much more than a name on their birth certificate."
I didn't know why I stumbled upon mentioning Potter, probably because I didn't really know anything specific about him. But while listing out things about Rose's family, it seemed important that I mention him as well.
Rose continued to look unconvinced, and I carried on, my voice quiet.
"C'mon Rose, you know I say things I don't mean when I get upset - do you honestly think I'd compare Potter to his dad - Harry Potter, who sings Celestina Warbeck at the top of his lungs while wearing snitch pyjamas and flipping pancakes?" At this, Rose smiled a little.
"Well, you've won me over." Then her gaze turned serious. "But you do realise that I'm not the only one you owe an apology."
"Yeah, I'll get to James and the others later today."
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
I sighed. I really wasn't looking forward to talking to Potter. Seeing my face, Rose added, "I'm not even the one you said it to - merlin Liv, if it affected me this badly think how Al feels!"
"Potter's a git." I muttered. "He doesn't feel emotions."
Rose scoffed. "Try repeating that when he's sulking after losing a Quidditch match."
"That's Quidditch, Rose, it brings out everyone's emotional side."
She got up and put her bag over her shoulder.
"Where are you going?" I asked, knowing too well what was coming.
"I am going back to the library to finish my transfiguration homework, but you are going to go find Al and apologise."
I grudgingly stood up and followed her down the corridor. Before we parted ways, Rose softly said:
"Whether you like it or not, Al's family, Liv. If you mess with him, you mess with all of us."
And with those parting words of wisdom, she disappeared to the library.
During the rest of the day, I found myself subject to many cold looks from the Weasley-Potters. I'd yet to apologise to Potter, for the sole reason that I hadn't run into him yet. However, I did see a lot of his cousins, and it was clear that they were avoiding me. I felt it in the library, when Louis wouldn't make eye contact with me, despite the fact that we tended to pair up and do our our arithmancy homework together, and we'd been assigned an especially challenging essay by Vaughn just a few days ago. I felt it in in the corridors, when I bumped into Hugo and he hurried away immediately, instead of stopping to discuss the Quidditch league (in which the Harpies were currently kicking ass). And I felt it in the Great Hall during dinner, when my interactions with the Weasley-Potters were severely limited to an occasional "pass the salt", for fear of instigating an argument that would only make things worse.
But perhaps most strikingly (or unusually, whatever way you wanted to put it) was that I felt it most in the Gryffindor common room, when I sensed a pair of eyes on me. I turned, and my brown eyes locked with a pair of intense green ones, if only for half a second, before Potter turned away and left the common room.
As I hurried down the corridor, desperate to find Potter and set things straight between us, I ran into Fred and James.
Literally.
I felt strong hands steady me as I nearly fell, and then they quickly let go as if they'd been burnt when James saw that it was me. His eyes flashed with anger, and he looked as if he was about to say something, when Fred nudged him and muttered "It's not worth it, mate." in a resigned tone.
I felt the familiar ache of guilt well up inside of me. These people were practically my brothers, goddamnit! They were the ones I'd play pranks with, the ones I'd test Weasley's Wizard Wheezes products with, the ones I could count on to have a laugh with! And here I was hurting them, all because of my stupid feud with Potter.
"James, Fred, wait." I called out after them as they turned to leave, my voice hesitant.
James whirled around, hazel eyes blazing with anger. "Wait? Why should we bloody wait? So you can have a go at us about our parents, and how we're so much of a disappointment? So you can tell us that we're not what the wizarding world wanted, when they heard that the famous war heroes were having children?"
Behind him, Fred looked at me apologetically, but I could sense the concealed anger brimming beneath the surface. He was just as mad at me as James was, only he managed to keep it calm, if only to control the fuming James.
"No- I j-just wanted to apolo-" I started, but this time I was startled to hear Fred cut me off.
"Forget it, Adams." He said coldly. The use of my last name froze me into silence. "We don't want to hear any more about what you think of us or our family." And with that they turned and began to walk away.
Like hell was I going to let them get away.
I grabbed Fred's arm and turned him back around, forcing James to stop too.
"Come on, you guys." I pleaded, my eyes boring into them. "You know I didn't mean what I said. You know that whenever I get worked up stuff -"
"Slips out?" Supplied James, a dangerous glint in his eyes.
"No. And that's exactly what makes me such a bad person." It seemed that I'd confused the pair, since they both turned around completely and looked at me with a slight interest hidden beneath their anger.
Thank merlin for that family's curiosity, is all I can say. When it became clear they weren't going to try and run off again, I continued.
"When I get mad, stuff doesn't just slip out. I say things with the intention of hurting. And that's a thousand times worse than having something slip out, because you do it on purpose. But because it's done with the aim of hurting, you must know that it's not actually what I think of you?" My voice softened. "I was pissed off, and I wanted to hurt him, and I regret it. The only thing I didn't count on was hurting the rest of his family in the process. If I could take it back I would, but I can't, so all that's left to say is that I'm sorry. "
Honestly, I hadn't told them half of the truth. I'd neglected the part about how manipulative I was about the whole thing. How I'd push and prod until I knew which jabs would fall away and which would strike. Until I knew exactly what words would get through the armour and strike my opponent in the heart.
Fred and James stood in front of me, looking thoughtful. Both still looked angry (in different ways) but they seemed to be considering my apology.
Finally, James spoke. "Well," he began. His voice was lacking friendliness, but it was not altogether harsh. "In all honesty I don't think you meant it. But that doesn't change the fact that you said it, nor the fact that you said it knowing it would hurt Al - who I might remind you is my bloody brother! In the end, it isn't us or Rose or Louis that you've got to apologise to - it's Al. Because most of us aren't mad because of what you said, we're mad because of the fact that you messed with our family. And you, of all people, should know how close our family is. So if you get Al to forgive you, you're good with all of us."
With that, he and Fred continued to walk down the corridor, and I let them go.
From the way they'd spoken, and how worked up most of their family had been throughout the day, it seemed that what I'd said had really hurt Potter. I was surprised; Potter seemed like someone who wouldn't let a few insults get to him.
What was it they said about sticks and stones?
A/N: So guys, updates won't be that regular at least for this month since I have final exams coming up, but rest assured that I'll try and update as much as I possibly can! It's just that I'd rather give you guys good chapters after taking some time rather than quick but disappointing chapters :) Drop a review with some constructive criticism if you can, I'd love to hear what you have to say!