-the little bit on the side-

so, this is obviously going to be very confusing for people so i will clear shiz up now, basically edward is just as confused as you readers, he doesnt notice that others notice how he's feeling. he says hes changed his appearence, you'd notice things like that right? so his friends arent being ignorant or anything else, they do notice and they talk to him about it. theyve suggested counseling, therefore they do know his situation. :) hope that helped and yes my grammar is crappy up here, its not the story so its allowed!

- to the crappy story written by me-

I don't understand. How does this work; this confusion? Why do I feel this way? I feel insane. I feel like I shouldn't be living the way I am right now… does anyone else feel this way? Could I possibly be alone? I don't think I could live long feeling alone; unwanted.

The green I always see in my dream haunts my living being as well as the amethyst seeping into my frightened soul. It burns its self into every pore and I feel its heat right in my chest. I always get heart burn after night but it isn't my fault. I don't know how it started!

One night I dreamt something beautiful, the next it started changing and each night it gradually worsened to the point I would wake with water marks down my cheeks and tremendous pain in my chest. I always lack sleep since the dreams started. My confidence decreased which meant my bravery was long forgotten. After each dream I started staying awake instead of fighting. Now I sleep about 3 hours each night before waking up frightened, pained, confused and unable to go back into my sleeping state.

Some people say you should think about things before acting… my thoughts destroy me. I see myself as worthless, stupid and over all lame. I'm negative and angry more often than not. Someone asks me 'what's wrong' and I reply with some fake witty joke that lets me insult myself without them noticing. Someone must have noticed by now… or do they just not care? If they noticed then they certainly haven't said anything…

I always have dark eyes in the mornings, covered up by a thick layer of eyeliner, not manly I know but it gets me out of any explanations I might unexpectedly face. I've also started wearing my hair down lately out of pure laziness, there isn't enough energy in me to apply eyeliner AND get it neat as well as make sure my plait doesn't look like crap. So I concentrate on covering up the darkness around my eyes and leave my hair at a simple brushing through.

Sure I get picked on like the average teen, maybe more so but that is one thing I can handle. When people realize I don't care that they call me gay or names to that effect then they leave the subject alone. Being gay isn't uncommon so why should they care of my preferences? Currently I haven't disclosed to anyone what my preferences are since I don't exactly know myself.

Everyone seems to think they know me better than I do, I mean, I hear so many things about myself that I don't know what to believe! Isn't it funny how much you learn about yourself from lovely little rumors around you? I'd love to meet the person who starts them, see how much they really know about me; not a lot I guarantee you!

I'm the type of guy that keeps himself to himself- no exceptions!

Especially not sexy green girls in short dresses that invade my dreams on a nightly basis…what's wrong with that!

I'm a popular guy none the less. I have many friends my age; many friends over my age.

We hang out and have a laugh like any other normal teens would, though something is off, slightly missing. All the guys have girlfriends, for example Roy has Riza. They are perfectly matched for each other in a sense that Riza persuades Roy to work harder… in the not so nasty way of course. They spend a lot of time together and are so happy I could puke rainbows. Each guy in the group has a relationship like that… except for me of course. I'm the single one. Don't get me wrong, I get interest but I'm not so interested in anyone that strikes up a conversation.

So, back to my issue.

I don't get what's wrong with me, I get interest, I have good friends, I'm not too bad looking but I can't freaking sleep! It seems stupid, I know but sleep is such an important thing and not getting enough can send a person crazy; absolutely mental in fact.

Looks like the guys were right… I do need counseling.