Although he said he loved me so dearly, I had very little faith in his love. He couldn't see me for me, couldn't love me for me. He could only love me because I was 'her'. I was 'her' no matter what I did. I would never be 'me' in his eyes. I would never be loved unless he saw me as her.
-X-
Kagome…
That's my name and although it's such a beautiful name, it's full of regret and sorrow.
You see, I'm not the original Kagome. No, I'm the daughter of Inuyasha and Kikyo.
My parents and their friends, whom I saw as family myself, once knew a Kagome, and everyone says how much we are alike. Although I know that's a wonderful compliment to get, it still bothers me.
Born with a mixture of both my parent's eyes, my eyes are a chocolate brown. Just like hers… My hair, dark brown in color, could have easily been mistaken for her dark tresses of her hair. Till this day some of her friends still mistake me as her.
"Kagome!"
I turned around, and faced the person calling out to me. With the wind softly blowing on this sunny day, I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. My black skirt gently fluttered with the wind, and my green tank top allowed the warm breeze to tickle my skin.
"Hey there." I smile brightly and enveloped him in a hug.
He blushed a bit, causing me to tilt my head to the side in confusion.
"What's up?"
He slowly shook his head in denial.
"Right…" I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. "And I'm a stalker..."
He chuckled softly and pushed my head softly. "Baka…"
"You look amazing today…" His words floated off on the gentle breeze that caressed us all ever so gently. His face darkened as he noticed my cheeks pinking.
I chose my words carefully, and although this was selfish, I needed to know.
"Why do I look so amazing?"
-X-
Everyone always said growing up was hard, but I never figured it'd be this tough. Guess the people who stated this never thought a situation like mine could occur.
I grew up with both of my parents. I, being born first, asked my parents to produce me siblings. Over the years, my house became filled with the noises of my younger brothers, Kouta and Kenji, and my younger sister, Ami. It was the perfect pattern: girl, boy, girl boy.
Over the years, as I progressed from a child to a teen, I slowly began to wonder if in my father's eyes did he see me or was he looking at the Kagome that died? Did he love me for me or was it cause of the love he had for Kagome?
I knew it was a horrible thought to think of, but it bothered me greatly. So I tried to outdo myself so much, that it began to take its toll on me.
Yet the only compliment I'd ever received was "Just like Kagome once was…"
I always knew where I got my name from, even as a child. My mother constantly told me with such sorrow and hate in her eyes.
"You got it from the woman your father once loved greatly. She died protecting your father. If she hadn't you would've never been born."
I never truly understood why my mother hated the name 'Kagome'. Or why she had allowed my father to name me that if she despised it so. I always appreciated the fact that Kagome had saved my father and had induced my life, which was why I loved my name so much, but it still mystified me as to why my mother would hate her so much as well. Why she would hate calling me Kagome, or my father's pet name for me, Kags. She would only call me by my middle name instead: Akiko.
I finally heard the full story from Uncle Miroku around the age of 12. It was at that instant that my whole world came crumbling down. I could handle my mother disliking me for my name, most girls always fought with their mothers anyways, but if my father, the only parent who ever showed me a great amount of love, only loved me because I was the replacement of a lost love, then I wasn't really loved.
I went home in tears, and it was my father who tended to me. He held me in his arms and wiped my tears till I calmed down. But I wanted my mother to hold me, because I knew her love for me was real.
When I had finally said what had caused me to cry, the look on my parent's faces was of pure shock and horror.
It was after that, that my mother and I finally became close. And it was then that my father distanced himself.
He was racked with a deep depression, and no matter who went to cheer him up, he stayed in his slump. He acted so cold towards me, and in turn I began to hide away from him myself. I couldn't stand the glazed-over-look he had whenever he looked at me. Whenever I neared him, he'd push himself away. Spoke to me so harshly.
My mother and everyone else apologized for his behavior towards me, but it still burned me so deeply. The father that I loved so much could not stand me one bit.
I grew so jealous of my other siblings. My younger sister was suddenly the apple of his eyes. My younger brothers would get even more attention. Although I loved them all so dearly, I still wanted to be loved my both parents, since now my mother and I had come to terms. Yet, he still stayed away from me, as if I were a not even there. As if I was never his child.
All the time spent with my siblings had caused his smile to return, he finally seemed a bit happy. It seemed as if he was finally coming out of his depression, so I went to speak to him. A simple 'hi' caused the smile on his face to fade away and his depression came back.
I couldn't understand it. Shouldn't I be the only one in pain? Shouldn't he be the one coming to comfort me I was his daughter; he should love me for me. He should've never named me Kagome if he still loved her.
My mother came to me one day, and we cuddled up on my bed together.
"Kagome, sweetie." She blew a sigh and closed her eyes. "I allowed your father to name you Kagome in hopes he'd stop grieving her death. Although your father did tell me everything that occurred with him and her, I could not hate Kagome."
I came to terms with her; she loved you father so much. And your father was the one leading her on. Although, she did do things that were horrible, everything's fair in love and war, is it not? Kagome was always so kind and gentle to all. Even after I basically took your father from her, she didn't hate me. You might still be a bit too young now, only being 14 years old now, but you'll understand once you starting falling in love. What Kagome did, although it hurts me to know, was understandable in her point of view. I'm not telling you to follow her example now. "
"I understand a bit, mama."
"But what you're father is doing now is wrong. I always hoped it'd never have to come to this, and it pains me to know that you're in pain. Sweetie, yes it did bother me that your name was Kagome, that's why I always called you Akiko. But, it was also was so that I wouldn't compare you to her. I didn't want the bitterness I had towards her to fall on you."
Over the years, as I watched you and your siblings grow up, I grew up myself. I couldn't see why it was healthy or even smart to hold a grudge against someone who was not only passed on, but someone who could have easily been an angel in disguise. Although you are much like the Kagome everyone knew and loved, you aren't her. You are you."
Your father… He's having trouble sweetie. You need to be strong. Although your father is being selfish, I hope you don't ever grow selfish as he is."
She placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, hugged me and went off.
I went and slept over at Uncle Miroku and Auntie Sango's house a lot to avoid my father. I knew I had to be strong as my mother had said, but it was so hard. I needed some time to heal before being able to be strong again.
Upon one of the many nights sleeping over at their house, Uncle Miroku came to me to speak his mind a bit.
"I know you'll probably hate for what I'm about to say, but you've gotta trust me that what I'm gonna say will make a bit of sense."
He sat down beside and looked at my face. "You've got a lot of Kagome in you, but that's not your fault. It's your father's fault. He raised you to be like her." He blew sigh. "Kagome, you're like her now because you want your father to yourself, right?" I was about to protest then, but my throat tightened up and I felt tears swell in my eyes. He smiled slightly for being right. "Don't cry, Kaggie. Come here." He pulled me close and held me. "Listen; don't think of yourself as horrid just because you want your father back. It's only natural for a child to want their parent. But don't let your father's dumb ass-ness rub off on you. You're stronger than he is. You're a lot smarter than he is as well. So don't cry, Kaggie."
Their words of encouragement caused my strength to return to me.
I stood outside of the living room and watched my father. He was alone watching television by himself. I slowly inched my way to him and brushed my finger softly over his ear. I always loved playing with them. He flinched and looked up at me. Shocked, he slapped my hand away and growled fiercely.
"Don't touch me…"
His face was so terrorizing, that I stood there paralyzed with tears streaming down my face. I was so sure he'd actually hurt me if I touched him again.
"Dad…"
"Leave Kagome."
"Which Kagome are you talking about? Huh, Dad!"
He was taken aback by my harsh words; it was clear on his face. I had finally spoken the words that were hovering over us for years now. "Which Kagome is it that you want to go away! The Kagome you loved and died for you, or the Kagome that's your daughter!"
Tears swelled up in his eyes and he lashed out at me.
My mother watched horrified as blood gushed out of me.
"Bring back the Kagome who died! Bring her back!"
I fell to the floor, losing grip on reality. It all felt like a dream, all of it. I hoped that when I came back, it'd all just be a nightmare that'll leave my mind at waking up.
-X-
I don't know when it was that I came to; I just knew I heard voices. I didn't know whom the voices belonged to, or how many there were; I just knew there were voices.
"…daughter…"
"…dead…"
"Kagome…"
"…horrible…"
"Listen!"
Their voices were hurting my ears, but I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't sit up, and talk, I could barely keep my eyes open. The few things I saw were too blurry to make out. I gave up on trying doing anything and was succumbed by darkness again.
-X-
Had he been anyone else, he would've been so confused. But he wasn't. He was-…
He sighed softly, and reached out timidly to touch my cheek. His touch sent the already swarm of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach to go haywire. My cheeks flared up.
"You look amazing because you are Kagome Akiko Takashi. You are you; you are no one but yourself. And…" He lifted my chin up and I gazed into his gorgeous eyes. He leaned in, his lips barely brushing over mine as he did so, to whisper into my ear causing me to shudder. My eyes began to flutter close although I tried not to. I wanted to see him…
-X-
I couldn't grasp it…
I couldn't wrap my mind around the thought of it…Even though everyone told me…
Everyone say down with me and explained it to me over and over again…
They said I was in denial from the shock of it all…
'Trauma from the incident' they said.
But it was impossible. Completely impossible…
My father had struck me and drew blood from me? Caused me to pass out and be sent to the hospital?
What were they talking about? They were all crazy. My father loved me so dearly.
I was his princess, his little baby girl. His Kags…
Maybe it was my mom; she never loved me like daddy did…
"Kagome…" Came my mother's shaky voice.
"Since when do you call me 'Kagome', mama?"
She cried, long and hard. Her sobs shook her entire body. I didn't understand it. Why was she crying? She looked like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.
"Kagome! Are you stupid or something? Mom has been calling you Kagome for the longest now!"
"Ami? What are you talking about! Mama never called me Kagome. Only when I was in trouble or when she was angry."
Ami looked at me in horror. "What day is it today? Tell me the whole date."
"Isn't it March 13 2007?"
The doctor then piped in. "She has repressed memory…"
It didn't make any sense to me at all…
"Where's Daddy?" I looked around. I saw Mama, Ami, Kouta and Kenji; Uncle Miroku, Auntie Sango, her kids and Gramps and Grandma.
But no dad…
"Where's daddy!"
-X-
I couldn't take it… Every last bit of me cried out for him to end the sweet torture he was forcing upon me, but I couldn't. Somewhere inside of me cried out louder to let him finish. To be patient and see what he would do. I stood in place, but not rigidly. I was beginning to lean into his body a bit as his lips hovered over my ear.
"And…" His warm breath collided with my ear and I shuddered and my blush darkened another shade of red.
"I love you only because you are Kagome Akiko Takashi."
My heart skipped beats… No, saying that, I'd be lying. My heart stopped completely at those words. I stuttered as I tried to say something.
-X-
"Kagome… Kagome…? Kagome Akiko!"
A hand flew to my shoulder and shook me. My eyes snapped open and I stared at the person in front of me.
"Mama?" I said confused.
"Sweetie… I've been calling you for the longest time now."
"But you were calling me Kagome instead of Akiko…"
She was hesitant to reply. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply; holding her head in her hands. I didn't understand the tears that were running down her face.
"When's Daddy gonna come visit me, Mama?"
"He's not gonna come visit you, Gome-chan." A voice said as they entered the room.
"Says you. My daddy loves me. So I know he'll come visit me soon."
My mother opened her mouth to say something, but the voice cut her off. As he spoke, his eyes looked determined to achieve an unknown goal
"How old are you, Kagome?"
"I'm twelve"
"Lies, your fourteen."
"Pfft, that's what you know."
"Look at your chest."
My mother blushed at this statement though I don't know why. "What do you mean Haru?"
"Just look down at your chest."
I grumbled and looked down to my chest and gasped. "When did I grow boobs!"
"Think Kagome, please think." I watched as Haru walked towards me and gripped my shoulders. "Do you really think you're twelve?" He paused to let his words sink in. "Do I look thirteen to you anymore?"
"Haruki… "
It was like the haze that trapped my mind was finally lifted, and along came the tears.
"Haru-kun… He really doesn't love me…" Haruki held me in his arms as I cried and my mother watched astonished. It had been a week or so now since I've been in the hospital and the doctors that it would've been permanent.
-X-
As the years passed us by, everything seemed to go back to normal. I was released from the hospital, and Dad came back home two weeks later. We didn't really speak on the matter, but we did say manage to speak a bit. I told him I forgave him, and mom was surprised at me. She thought I'd hold a grudge against him, but I told her I couldn't.
Dad went to a consoler once or twice every week and it seemed to help him deal with it all. We even managed to speak a bit. Like how's hello, good mornings things like that. It had been two whole years, and things seemed to progress smoothly.
No one was truly surprised to my taking to Haru-kun. I followed him around like a lost puppy. He helped me through my tough times once I got out of the hospital. Us being to close in age, and him being Sango and Miroku's son, it was easy for us to hang out.
It seemed like life was finally shifting back to perfect.
But then it happened…
Haru-kun was grounded for two weeks for being caught making out in the lab room in school. Though, I couldn't really blame him, he was Miroku's son, I was annoyed we couldn't see each other for two weeks. He was not only my best friend, but also my safety net. And during the two weeks he would be gone, were one of the times I needed him the most…
It slowly crept up upon us… Like a deadly spider… Slowly watching its prey, waiting to catch it by complete and total surprise… savoring its horror filled scream…
It was Kagome's death anniversary…
The twenty steps my father had took forward, was long forgotten as he took a zillion steps back.
It hadn't known… I really hadn't known… I hadn't thought it was truly important for me to remember such a date. I was just following Haru-kun's advice. He had told me to try to talk to him more…
I hadn't known….
The words he spoke to me…
His harsh tone…
The glares he sent me…
It was all too much to bear…
How did the story go?
A knife was that killed her?
It… It didn't sound like such a bad idea…
I found one, a large butcher knife… Mom always did love to cook a lot.
The house was empty… So quiet and empty… The silence burned my ears… I wanted out… I wanted it all to end…
End this damn pain.
The tears that streamed down my face like an endless river burned me. When would the pain stop? My heart thumped hard in my chest, clenching tightly in my chest. His words gripped around my heart and wouldn't release its hold.
My lungs felt constricted and I was gasping for air. But even when it filled my lungs it burned me. It was like everything was out to get me. My whole body was betraying me. It wanted me to stop breathing as well.
It wouldn't hurt too badly… It would be just a prick… A tiny little prick that would end it all…
It wouldn't be so bad… If it hurt too much, I'd most likely pass out from the pain… No one was home… I'll be dead in no time…
Yeah, one little prick would be nothing compared to how long I've hurt. One prick will end all this horrible pain…
I raised the knife up…
Goodbye everyone…
Held it close to my chest…
I loved you all so dearly… You all meant the world to me…
Pulled the knife back…
Especially you Haru-kun… Aishiteiru anata o dare yori…
I just needed a swift movement… I held my breath and pushed the knife to my chest…
"KAGOME!"
It was the last thing I heard…
It was…It was Haruki's voice… Mixed with dad's…
-X-
Hospitals… I hate them so… I woke up again in one, only to see dad over my bed, crying.
"D-dad?"
I must've been delusional. Hyped up on drugs I bet…
"What were you thinking? You baka! I could've… I could've lost you!" He looked up, and I gasped at the tears running down my face…"I could've lost my first born child…"
"Dad… I hate you…" I whispered out the words, and they tasted awful as they rolled off my tongue. He stared at me shocked.
"I'm so sorry Akiko… I'm so sorry I've hurt you. God, I won't ever say I'm hurting as much as you are, but damn, I'm hurting too… I hurt my baby girl… And that's unforgivable…"
"Baka…" I replied weakly. "How could your baby girl, your little princess… How could, I, Kags, hate her favorite father in the whole world? You must be the one hyped up on drugs…" I missed the smile on his lips as I slipped out of consciousness once more.
-X-
"Mama! Ami, Kouta Kenji!" I shouted before being glomped by them all.
"Kagome! You're finally back!"
"Oh it's so good to have you back sweetie."
"It's good to be back Mama. Where's dad?"
"Rawr!" I turned around and was glomped again by my father.
"Daddy! Stop it!"
"Never!"
We laughed, and it wasn't long before my siblings jumped in as well. My mother stood and watched, a few tears of happiness trickled down her cheeks.
Dad and Haruki had given up their blood to save me. Thanks to the stupid ambulance taking forever, making me hate hospitals even more, I lost a lot of blood on the way.
After waking up to my father's crying and talking to him, I passed out and dreamt of Kagome. She smiled brightly at me, and held me close.
"Kagome-chan… Thank you… You managed to do something I couldn't do, even though I died to try to induce it. You have made your father happy again. And for that I am grateful to you."
Those were the words she spoke to me before wavering off. And I knew, we were finally even.
-X-
"I- I- I love you too, Haru-kun! I love you so much!" He pulled away from me and gazed into my eyes. He stroked my cheek gently and smiled brightly.
"In all my nineteen years of life, I have never heard any words more beautiful than those that fall of your perfect lips, Gome-chan…"
I wrapped my arms around him tightly and buried my face into his chest. "You baka, I've been saying them ever since you made me remember. You just haven't been listening."
He chuckled softly and held me closer. "Same goes to you Gome-chan. Only I've been saying them way before then… Even before you started sleeping over a lot more often at my house."
"Ignorance isn't always bliss, I suppose."
"I guess not. " He looked down at me and his violet eyes so soft. His soft brown hair blew softly in the wind and his lips were pulled up into that gorgeous smile of his. He slowly leaned his face down to mine, causing my heart to squeal with happiness. His hands held me close and protectively as our lips collided in a soft and tender embrace.
My first kiss…
Resting his forehead on him, I looked up to see a delighted smile on his face causing my cheeks to flare up even more. He chuckled softly and cupped my cheeks in his hands.
"You are so red, Kaggie."
I looked away from his eyes, blushing even darker. I was no good at this kind of thing!
"So, c'mon. Don't be so shy." He lifted my chin up so I would look at him. "I have always longed to feel your lips on mine, and I don't even think I deserve to own your first kiss."
"Ah! You knew!" My embarrassment increased tenfold.
"Of course I knew, squirt! You really think I was gonna stand by and let any random guy defile my Kagome! You must be kidding." I looked at the fearsome look in his eye and knew he was serious. Shaking my head, I reached up on my tippy toes and kissed him softly.
"Baka. You're gonna end up defiling me. You, who are the son of Uncle Miroku." I was taken aback by the sudden look of shock on his face and the blush that dusted over his lips. "D-did I do something wrong?"
"N-no… Just…. I…. You're- …..You might be too much for me one day." His violet eyes glimmered brightly with secret, and I shivered under his intense gaze. Running a hand through his soft brown hair, he gave me a dimpled smile. "How's 'bout we go and collect my bet money. No one believed me that you would finally realized you love me."
"Wait- What! "
"'Gome-Chan, everyone knew. But you. Like always." Kissing my forehead, he lifted me up in his arms bridal style and carried me home.
-x-
The Complete and Utter End to Nostalgia.
-Hands out Tissues-
-x-