Authors Note (Disney Censors, Steven Strait, and Beastality): Steven Strait is a beast. He is a sexy BEAST. The reason I say this is because Stephenie Meyer had said that in Sky High he looked just like Jacob. Because I am a curious individual, I scampered ABC family and watched the beginning and ending of the movie. He was BEASTLY. And he could emit fire from his palms. Not that he can do that in real life (Well, who knows, maybe he can…) but –Disney censor- it was cool. Yeah. I'll be using Disney Censors. My friend has a buzz button, she calls it "The Disney Censor," so whenever someone (cough me cough) says a bad word, she pushes the button. My point: Steven Strait was beastly in Sky High, so I want you all to go to blockbuster and rent it. He looked exactly like my inner-Jacob. If he looks like your inner-Jacob, please review and let me know.

Killing off Characters, Disney Censor-ship, and Edward leaving. Again. AGAIN!

"How in all the hells did Forks get its name?!" Bella asked randomly. Bella, Edward, Jacob, and Sam were watching the Discovery Channel in Bella's small living room. Mike Newton was in the kitchen making sandwiches.

"Well, actually…" Jake began. "….That's a damn good question."

"Did somebody ask for a fork?!" Mike asked, jolting out of the kitchen.

"No, Mike. Now, go back to making our sandwiches. And, Mike?" Edward asked.

"Yeah? What do you want Edward?! I'll do anything. Anything at all, just ask!" Mike had been jealous of Bella all this time, because he secretly had a crush on Edward. He just recently came out of the closet with his homosexuality. His parents were astonished.

"Take off the domino mask and bath towel, please." Edward sighed as he turned his attention back to the mating patterns of the arctic wolf.

"He's a couple of French fries short of a Happy Meal, that Mike, isn't he?" Jacob said.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Anyway…" Bella said. "Anyone? I mean, Forks, what kinda name is that anyway?"

"Well, my dear Bella, I do believe it got its name for the forks in the Quillayute River, Bogachiel River, Calawah River, and the Sol Duc River." Everyone stared, dumbfounded, at Edward for his smart remark. It was as Edward showed his profound knowledge; the following could be heard from the kitchen. Mike yelling, "Oh GOD! AHH!" a splatter and the sounds of twitching. But, the twitching stopped.

"I smell blood." Edward said. Jacob twitched and shuddered. "I have a feeling I don't want to know what happened." Edward sighed and walked into the kitchen.

"DEAR JESUS!" He yelled. Bella, curious, followed. "OH MY –Disney censor- GOD!!" Sam sauntered in as well. "My God, WHAT DID HE DO!!?" Jacob shivered. Okay…He thought. Someone might be hurt…He might have mutilated himself...There might be blood. But, I gotta be tough…Oh, damn, I hate being the tough guy…

Jacob slowly gathered his courage and timidly walked into the kitchen, shaking. Jacob was correct on all three counts. He had mutilated himself. Someone was indeed hurt. And, -child censor- I can't think of a horror movie created yet with so much blood. You see, Mike, whilst cutting the sandwiches, had accidentally cut off both his arms. Lord knows how. The knife was sticking out of his heart—a butcher knife.

"Holy Disney Censors…"

Bell embraced the CLEARLY DEAD BODY.

"Oh, Mitch! Are you okay? How are you feeling? Just…Just nod, please. Please, Mitch!" Bella cried, dramatically.

"His name's MIKE, Bella. Not MITCH. And he's dead. He can't hear you." Jacob said.

"He's DEAD?!?! Ohmigawd! Nowai!"

"Ya wai."

"No wai!"

"Ya wai."

"No. effing. Wai."

After a few more misspellings of the words "No way," and "Yeah way," Jacob finally managed to convince Bella he was indeed dead.

"Oh, Mitch-""Mike." "Mike…You were so sweet. Rest in Peace. And, don't worry, we'll get you a good lawyer." Bella said through tears, while hugging the dead body.

Everyone looked at her like she was a maniac.

"What's a lawyer going to do? He mutilated HIMSELF." Edward asked.

"I don't know…I-I-I just don't know anymore!" She said.

"Bella, honey…Are you feeling well?" Jacob inquired.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"…..No reason…he he…" Insert anime-esque sweat drop here.

Finally Edward spoke.

"Bella…You're…You're just too dangerous! You cause way to much trouble, everyone you love dies, and…well…You're stupid. I'm sorry. I'm leaving you. Even though I promised I wouldn't. Please give birth to my half-vampire, half-werewolf babies while I'm gone, 'kay? Sayonara, suckers!" Edward said as he jumped out of the window and flew (even though vampires cannot FLY) out into the night sky.