Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites! I really appreciate it and I'm going to reply to the reviews; I've just had a busy week (which is why this chapter is up later than I planned) so you can expect a reply this weekend! In this chapter, the part that's both bold and italic is a flashback. One more chapter after this. I hope you enjoy! :)
Another text; this one was from Sam. I've known Derek since med school. Great guy. We had such good times. I'm gonna miss my friend. I miss you too, and I hope you're okay.
When Amelia walked in, the house was quiet so she headed up to her room. She tried to watch TV to distract herself, but it wasn't working. She heard a crash from downstairs so she got up to see what was going on.
"Mer?" She called as she got to the bottom of the staircase. "Are you okay?"
Meredith stood up from behind the kitchen island and sighed. "Yeah, I just knocked Derek's stupid muesli out of the cabinet while I was putting something away and it spilled all over."
She leaned down to scoop up a few more handfuls and throw them in the garbage.
"Why does he even have such a big box of this anyway? He's the only one who eats it! He can't even get the kids to eat it!"
Amelia grabbed a broom and dustpan from the closet and started sweeping.
"Thanks," Meredith said. After tossing another handful in the garbage she stopped and looked at Amelia. In a softer voice she admitted, "I guess there's no reason to keep this now. I-I was so frustrated with it a minute ago and now I wish I had a reason to keep it. Crazy, huh?"
"No." Amelia shook her head. "I get it." She gave a weak smile. "Why don't you go up to bed and I'll finish sweeping this."
"You sure?" Meredith wiped at her eyes.
"Yeah, it's fine."
"Thanks."
The next voicemail was from Charlotte. "Amelia, hey. I'm so sorry about your brother. I would be there if I wasn't up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers and teething toddlers! But you're always welcome to visit us. How are you doin'? Feelin' the urge to use? Have you gotten to a meetin' lately? Sure you don't wanna come back to LA? From what I've heard, too many terrible things have happened in Seattle. Get out while you can!" There was a short pause. "Sorry, I shouldn't make jokes. Call me anytime, if you need anythin'."
Amelia hadn't cried yet. Not really. She had shed a few tears, but not the type of crying that will leave you with a headache. She was afraid if she started crying she would never stop. Too many people had been taken away from her in her life: her father, her best friend, her fiancé, her baby, Mark Sloan who she wasn't sure if she considered an honorary brother or a former lover, and now her brother. She felt like she just couldn't deal with this yet. And she shouldn't have to. Derek shouldn't have died in his 40's; he had so much of his life left to live. She sighed as she realized that could be said about so many people, both in her personal and professional lives. She thought about Dell and Pete and so many of her former patients. As a surgeon, she wanted to save everyone's life, and she was able to do that for so many people, yet when it came to her own loved ones she was powerless to do anything that would've saved their lives.
As she lay in bed tossing and turning, she was angry that the ambulance brought him to another hospital. She was angry that the surgeons weren't trained well enough. She was angry that they didn't think to do a head CT. It was so frustrating to think that if he had just been brought to Grey-Sloan Memorial, she could have saved her own brother's life. He could still be alive. She could have saved everyone from the pain they were going through dealing with his death.
"Ugh!" she grunted, and then put the pillow over her head, closing her eyes, irrationally hoping that somehow it would stop all the thoughts in her brain.
Amelia opened her eyes when she heard a knock on the door.
"Amelia?" Meredith called, softly.
"Come in," Amelia replied, taking the pillow off her head.
Meredith walked in, closing the door behind her. "Sorry, I didn't want to wake you."
"Don't worry, I'm not sleeping much anyway."
"I know the feeling." She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.
Amelia repositioned herself so she was sitting up too. "What's going on?"
"I-I can't help but think…" She closed her eyes for a minute, and then opened them. "It's just something has been bothering me all day, and usually Derek is the only person I'd talk to about something like this, but I can't. Maybe I would talk to Cristina, but there's the time difference and she might be flying in and I can't bother her right now."
"Well, you can talk to me. I've got nothing better to do for the rest of the night."
"I'm afraid I'm going to become Ellis." She bit her lip.
Amelia creased her brows. "What do you mean?"
"My mother was never there for me growing up. Work always came first. Derek and I had a good balance, but without him what am I going to do? I have to be both mother and father to my children now, and I have to work just as hard as ever. I don't know if I can do it."
"You can. It might be tough, but you'll make it work somehow. I'm sure you will, because you want to and you care enough about the kids that you're already thinking about this. We can all help out with childcare sometimes so they won't feel like they're being sent to daycare all the time."
"Thanks. It's not just that though. I wasn't sent to daycare often. I had great nannies. But they didn't replace my mother. I was well taken care of, but I didn't feel important to her. The kids will notice if I'm not with them. I don't want to give up my job, but I don't want to miss important things in their lives. I don't want them to feel about me the way I felt about Ellis." Her eyes welled up with tears. "This must sound so silly to you."
"No, I understand. You're trying to do what's right for them and for you. You don't want to become your mother." Amelia gave a small laugh. "I don't want to become my mother either!"
Meredith tried to smile, but ended up crying instead. "I just miss Derek. I want him to come back. He promised me forever. He told me to wait for him. He said he'd be back. This wasn't supposed to happen!"
A few tears ran down Amelia's face. "I know."
"I'm sorry," Meredith said when she looked at her sister-in-law. "I'm acting like I'm the only one who's upset when you just lost your brother."
Amelia swallowed and shook her head. "No, I get it." She crawled closer to Meredith and hugged her. "Zola told me earlier that hugging someone would probably make them feel better. She's a smart girl."
Meredith tried to smile at hearing her daughter's comment. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
Amelia rubbed Meredith's arm. "You are not going to become Ellis Grey. Your kids love you so much and that's not gonna change."
"Thank you," Meredith choked out and gave her sister-in-law another hug. She drew in a deep breath. "I think I'm going to try to get some sleep."
"Sounds good. I guess I should too. Good night."
"Good night."
The next morning Amelia texted her sister Kathleen, just so their mother wouldn't call her. I don't know about the arrangements yet. Meredith is going to the funeral home later today so I'll fill you in when I have info.
She sighed, realizing that Owen hadn't tried to call or text her since she yelled at him the day before. She thought he would've at least sent her a text this morning.
Later that day Amelia was sitting on the couch, trying to read a medical journal but not really concentrating on it, when she heard the doorbell ring. She groaned internally, hoping it was just the UPS guy or something. She had been trying to avoid most of her friends and colleagues for a while because she was tired of dealing with their mix of sorrow and sympathy. She didn't mean to push them away, especially during a time when everyone would tell her that she should be leaning on them, but it was just easier being alone.
She was slightly surprised when she opened the door and found Arizona Robbins standing there.
"Hi," she said.
"Hey. Sorry, Meredith's not here. She went to the funeral home to figure things out while the kids are napping."
"Oh, that's okay. I was actually hoping to talk to you for a few minutes."
"Me?" Amelia asked, incredulously. "Why? Did something come up with Herman?"
"What? No. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, but last I heard she was adjusting as well as possible, I guess."
There was a moment of awkward silence.
"So, um…come on in. Do you want anything?"
"I'll just have some water."
They walked into the kitchen and Arizona sat on one of the stools by the island. Amelia poured them both glasses of water and then joined her.
"So…" Amelia started.
"What am I doing here?" Arizona laughed.
"Well, I might've said it a little nicer that that!" Amelia smiled.
"I just – I felt like I should reach out to you. You seemed so composed at the hospital yesterday, but I know the pain of losing a brother, especially one you're close to."
Amelia tilted her head and raised her brows in confusion.
"Tim was in the Army. He died in Iraq."
"Wow. I'm sorry. That really sucks."
"Thanks. Yeah, it does, but it's life I guess." She shrugged. "So," she continued, "I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need someone to talk to or whatever. Everyone is mostly focused on Meredith, obviously since she was his wife, but we're all grieving for our friend. And you, for your brother. I wanted to make sure you weren't overlooked. But you seem like kind of a private person so I wasn't sure if I should remind everyone of how awful you're probably feeling, and that's when I decided I'd just stop by on my own."
"Well, thank you for that. I guess I'm doing okay. At least as okay as I can be right now."
Arizona nodded.
They both ignored the phone that was ringing as Amelia spoke, until the recording began to play and they heard Derek's voice. "You've reached the Shepherds – Dr. Derek Shepherd, Dr. Meredith Grey, Zola, and Bailey. We can't come to the phone right now so leave a message after the beep."
Arizona watched as the color drained from Amelia's face. Hearing his voice was something she hadn't been prepared for.
Amelia took a sip of water. "Why don't people leave a damn message?! If you're going to listen to the whole recording, just leave a freakin' message! It's not that hard!" She nearly shouted.
As she tried to calm her breathing, tears came to her eyes.
She sighed. "I'm sorry," she started. "I don't know why I got so angry. I just – " She shook her head and started again. "I just…" she trailed off and looked down at her hands.
Arizona reached over and squeezed her hand. "It's okay. You're a grieving sister. You should've seen me after Tim's death." She gave a small smile.
Amelia tried to match her smile. "Thank you for coming over. I appreciate it." She gave a small laugh. "I know Derek would be happy that someone's looking out for me. He felt like that was his job!"
Arizona smiled. "Anytime. He was just being a big brother." She paused and then spoke again. "Seriously, you're a cool person to spend time with and anytime you wanna talk…or not talk…or look at brain tumors…you can call me."
"Hey, Addison, it's Savvy. I know we haven't even spoken in a few months, and I'm sorry about that, it's been so crazy here. Weiss called me from work saying that a colleague heard that Derek died. I know you guys are divorced, but you're friends. We keep in touch with Derek too, but like I said, it's been a little busy so I haven't spoken to him recently either. What's going on? Weiss' colleague has to be wrong, right? Derek Shepherd cannot be dead. Oh my God, what if he's right though? Oh, Addie, I'm so sorry. Call me when you can. We love you."
Soon after Arizona left, Meredith came home.
"How did it go?" Amelia asked.
"Oh, you know."
"Yeah."
"How were the kids?"
"Good. They slept for a while and we just had a tea party."
Meredith managed a small smile. Then she sighed. "I guess I should make a few phone calls and inform people about the arrangements."
"Do you need me to keep the kids busy for a while?"
"Nah, we'll be fine. Thanks."
"Okay, I'm gonna go out then."
"Sure. See you later."
"Okay, who died?"
"Derek. Derek is dead."
She knew he was telling the truth, but she didn't want to believe it.
"That's not funny. Why would you even say that? I can't believe you!"
"I'm serious," he replied.
She just stared at him for a second, then threw down her surgical mask, turned on her heels, and slammed the door to the scrub room behind her as she left.
"Amelia!" he called after her.
"I'm fine," she called back.
As she walked into the hallway it felt like everything around her was a blur. She heard people talking, but couldn't hear what they were saying. She made it to her office, closed the door, and leaned against it as she stopped to control her breathing.
Owen knocked on the door.
"Go away," she replied, evenly.
"Just let me in."
"I said go away, Owen!"
"Come on. At least let me drive you home."
She sighed and closed her eyes. She desperately wanted space from him, but knew she wasn't in the best shape to drive.
She opened the door in defeat. "Fine."
When the car started moving she spoke, emotionlessly, "How?"
He explained to her everything that Meredith had told him. Afterwards he said sympathetically, "Amelia...I'm so sorry. I-"
"I don't want to talk," she cut him off. "I just needed a ride home"
He nodded and tried to allow her whatever she needed.
She remained stoic and silent during the rest of the drive.
"Thank you," she said, sincerely, when they pulled up in front of the Dream House.
"Can I do anything?" he asked her.
She shook her head, closed the car door, and went inside.