There had once been a time in his life, when "I'm gonna be the pirate king" was the craziest thing Zoro had ever heard anyone say. Life had been so simple back then. But after going up against several shichibukai, flying to an island in the sky and spending two years training under the man he had sworn to one day defeat, he really should've built some immunity to crazy stuff.

So really, the announcement that one of his male crewmates was pregnant shouldn't have hit him like a seaking to the face, but damn…

Well at least he wasn't the only one who was surprised. Brook's jaw was literally on the table, Franky looked like someone had pressed pause on him and Usopp's eyes were currently contesting his nose for the spot of 'biggest part of his face'. Nami was blinking a whole lot faster than she usually did.

Robin was just wearing a mysterious little smile like she always did… and was she looking at Zoro specifically? The moment passed almost immediately, but something about the look on her face made him wary.

The most predictable reaction however, was that of their captain.

"That's so cool!", he yelled loudly. "Sanji's baking a little nakama!"

"Luffy, you do know that that's impossible, right? Men can't have babies", Nami said doubtfully. Honestly, it was a real possibility that Luffy didn't understand enough about human reproduction to know that.

"Don't tell me, tell Sanji and whoever knocked him up", Luffy said with a huge smile.

Whoever knocked him up… Zoro did his best to keep his poker face and not let anyone know what was going through his head right now, but he knew there wasn't quite as much blood in his face as there had been at the start of the conversation.

"We don't really know that he's pregnant, it could be a parasite or something", Chopper repeated. "All we know is that it looks similar to a fetus and it's messing with his hormones." He was standing on top of the galley table while the rest of the crew sans cook were sitting around it.

"Both of which seem to indicate pregnancy, don't they, Doctor-san?", Robin inquired.

"Yes, but, as Nami mentioned, men can't get pregnant, so a parasite would make more sense. But the fact of the matter is, he's been hit with some devil's fruit, he doesn't know what it was called or what exactly it did, so it could be a lot of things, it could be a parasite, or the devil fruit user's offspring…"

"Wait, so you're saying some creep just out their baby in cook-bro? That's messed up, man", Franky said, looking slightly green around his metal nose.

"It could also somehow actually be Sanji's, there's no way to know", Chopper said.

"Maybe I should start playing more music around Sanji-san, I heard that's good for a baby's development", Brook mused.

"He can't just have the baby", Chopper said. "It could kill him!"

That instantly changed the mood at the table dramatically.

"Kill him?", Usopp asked. "Are you sure? I mean that devil's fruit is probably designed to do this, doesn't that mean it should work?"

"No, it doesn't", Chopper argued. "It's really close to his left illiac artery and if it grows more it could rupture the artery and then he'll bleed out. This can happen to women, too, it's called an abdominal pregnancy and the risk of internal bleeding is a lot higher than the chances of the fetus ever growing enough to become viable."

"Excuse me, I'm obviously not an expert on the subject, but I have read reports of abdominal pregnancies that were carried to term", Robin said.

"I know, but that's really rare, and with the placement of the fetus or whatever it is I just don't believe that it's possible", Chopper said.

"Oh. So what now, then?", Nami asked, still looking a bit perplexed.

"It should be removed as soon as possible, it's not worth the risk, but I messed up…" Chopper tapped his front hooves together and looked at the table guiltily.

"Why, what did you do?", Usopp asked.

"Well I came to that conclusion and I wanted to do it right then, but I didn't really properly talk to Sanji about it, and then he got upset with me because I already had my surgical tools out." Chopper sniffed a little. "I got ahead of myself, I was just really shocked by the discovery, so I didn't really think about what I said…"

"So that's why he yelled at you and practically fled to the observation deck?", Usopp asked.

"Yes… I was just so focussed on the medicine that I didn't really think about what he thinks about the whole thing", Chopper admitted. "I'm just really worried, it's really dangerous."

"But what if he wants to keep it?", Franky asked.

"That's a really bad idea. I mean aside from likely killing him it's probably not even related to him, it's just way too big a risk", Chopper said.

"Seems kinda mean, though. Just getting rid of it…", Usopp said. "Isn't there some way to, I don't know, make sure it doesn't kill him without killing it?"

"No. He's just not built for this, there's nothing I can do to change that. And even if there was, any intervention would probably terminate the fetus anyway."

"Unless it's not really a fetus", Robin said. "But then I'd imagine cook-san wouldn't be all that eager to keep it."

"But it's not immediately life-threatening, is it?", Nami asked. "If you wait a few more days it's not gonna kill him, right?"

"No", Chopper said, shaking his head. "But still, it's better not to wait too long."

"So how about this? You both take a bit of time to cool off, sleep on it, and then you talk about it again tomorrow? Sanji-kun's probably really confused right now, and when he's had more time to think about it he'll probably be calmer about the whole thing", Nami suggested.

"Yeah, I guess…" Chopper said.

"How about Robin and I go talk to him? He'll probably react better if it's us", Nami offered, getting up from her seat.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea", Chopper agreed. "I'm just really worried, I didn't mean to pressure him…"

"I know, we'll find a solution, don't worry", Nami said, and with that both of the girl's got up from the table and went to the galley's back door.

"And there you think the Grand Line can't surprise you anymore", Franky said with a shake of his head. "I mean, seriously… was not expecting that."

"Quite", Brook agreed. "My eyes were bugging out of my head, I was so shocked. Or they would have if I'd had eyes."

"It's a shame it's so dangerous, though. Crazy impossible guy baby would've fit right in around here", Usopp said with a chuckle and got up as well.

"Totally sucks", Luffy lamented, letting his head hang. "I bet it would've been cute, Sanji's awesome at baking."

"What's with the baking analogy?"

"The anal what?", Luffy asked, his face the picture of innocence, while Zoro tried fighting down the choked noise his throat really wanted to make at that. The anal what… yeah, pretty much that.

Seeing as the meeting seemed over Zoro just got up off the table without a word and went to go to the crow's nest. He really needed some mindless repetitions to focus on right now.

Chopper had said a lot about crazy devil's fruits and lots of medical terms, he hadn't mentioned anything about Sanji getting pregnant the 'normal' way, not there was such a thing as normal for a guy getting knocked up.

But really, Zoro thought as he switched his weight to the other hand, without really counting how long he'd been doing this, there was nothing to indicate his involvement in the whole mess.

And even if he was somehow, impossibly, responsible - but not really responsible, because how was he supposed to have known Sanji had miraculously grown highly improbable powers of fertility - it wouldn't matter much, would it? Because either way they'd probably never know because it would never be born because it was just too risky to leave it where it was.

But it did matter, because a child someone just randomly parked inside your body was different from one you'd created yourself, and Zoro just couldn't stop wondering if they had.

He hadn't meant to get Sanji into such a situation and even if there was no conceivable way he could have known about it and he probably hadn't, he still felt bad about it.

He was filled with irrational anger directed at the stupid devil's fruit user that had done this, who thought he could just play with people's lives like this. And they'd probably never find them and never find out why they'd chosen to do this to the cook.

And what did all that mean for him and Sanji? They hadn't let that one night mess up their nakamaship, it hadn't changed the way they interacted (even if Zoro sometimes secretly wished it had), but what now? Would the cook be angry at him for this?

There really wasn't a reason to, but that didn't stop Zoro from blaming himself. He'd been slightly more sober than the cook, still pretty damn drunk, but the cook was a lightweight compared to him. Anyone with the possible exception of Nami was, really. But still, he'd been more in control of himself, he could've said no.

But he hadn't wanted to. Honestly he didn't even quite remember what they'd been talking about that had led to this happening, but he definitely wasn't sorry that it had.

He'd sort of had a thing for the cook for a long time. He couldn't really help it, strength was what attracted him most to other people. aAlways had been that way, and Sanji fit the bill perfectly. Could hold his own in a fight against Zoro, and with the cook's unusual fighting style those battles never got boring. He was attractive, too, and as a nakama inherently trustworthy.

But since Sanji was so very obviously straight Zoro hadn't really considered much farther beyond that.

Until a very very drunk Sanji had shown himself to be a bit more flexible in his preferences and a drunk Zoro had decided to take that at face value.

Had he taken advantage of him? He didn't really think so, it had (mostly) been Sanji's idea and afterwards the cook hadn't been angry at Zoro, only embarrassed about the whole thing. Agreeing not to mention it again was really the only talking they'd done about the whole thing.

And while that had been disappointing, because the swordsman had secretly been eager to see where that little escapade would lead them, he'd accepted it.

And now look where it had led them.

He switched hands again, thinking vaguely that he'd probably done an uneven number of reps on both sides now.

He should probably stop thinking about it so much, though. It wouldn't make any difference after all.

So better start counting again.

Zoro was just starting to get into the mostly empty mindset of training that allowed him to focus on counting the reps, controlling his breathing and improving his performance.

Someone else seemed to have other ideas, though. The trap door at the bottom of the crow's nest opened, even though it wasn't nearly time for switching watch, yet. A blond head coming up through the hole announced the cook's arrival.

"Should you really be climbing up here?", Zoro asked skeptically as he watched his nakama push himself up and into the crow's nest, taking a moment to dust off his suit when he stood up. "Chopper said your insides are gonna rip open."

"I've heard", Sanji said with an annoyed sigh. "But I need to talk to you and I wasn't just going to shout until you came down."

"What do you need to talk to me for?", Zoro asked, putting his weights down. Of course he knew what it was probably about, but he honestly hadn't expected his input to be wanted.

"I'm sure you've heard", the cook said, plopping down on a piece of bench at the window. "I want to know your opinion. On whether or not I should keep it."

"Keep it?", Zoro asked incredulously. He took a moment to dry himself off with a towel. "Chopper said it's gonna rip your insides open."

"You said that already. Is your little marimo brain stuck on repeat?"

"Chopper thinks you can't keep it without killing yourself. So what, you got a death wish?", Zoro asked, sitting down next to the cook.

"Shut up." Sanji didn't look at Zoro, staring out of the window instead. The sun had already set, but dusk was still illuminating the sky. "So I'm not sure if Chopper mentioned it, but there's a chance you might be involved in this thing. You know with…" Sanji just waved his hands in the air vaguely, apparently too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Under other circumstances Zoro might've called him out on it and made him say what he meant, but right now that just felt mean. "He didn't say that. But I was wondering…" Suddenly he realized something. "Wait a minute, you told Chopper?"

"Well, not really told… He doesn't know it's you, but he asked if I'd ever had sex with a man and I…"

"Went red like a tomato, kind of like right now?", Zoro finished for Sanji who'd been flailing again. And who was blushing like he was trying to light up the room with it.

"… I also made an embarrassed noise", the cook admitted grumpily and did his best to look absolutely everywhere except at the swordsman. Zoro just couldn't help the amused snort.

"Shut up." Now he was looking directly at Zoro with a look that promised much pain and suffering should it be met with more amusement. "Anyway, he thinks that's not it, cause it doesn't make sense where the baby is and where…" Sanji let out a little cough. How could such a pervert be so bashful? It was mind boggling, really. "Well he said it wouldn't work and he said 'perforated colon' about fifty times, but let's face it, none of this should've worked and yet here I am, so who's to say what really happened there?"

Zoro nodded, once.

"So… it might be yours, marimo. … Mostly mine, though, but sort of yours, too", Sanji concluded. "But there's no way to be sure."

"So, what, you came here to yell at me for maybe knocking you up?", Zoro asked.

"No, I want to know: if it were yours, what would you want?"

"For it not to rip open your insides. Pretty much the same as any other scenario", Zoro replied with a shrug.

"Do you want children?", the cook asked.

"I want it not to rip open your insides", Zoro repeated. What else was he supposed to contribute, here, exactly?

"I don't mean right now, in general. Do you see your future self with lots of little moss balls running around some day?"

"No."

"Just no? You don't like children, then?"

Zoro took a deep breath. He wasn't particularly eager to explain his stance on this since that didn't really change anything about the current situation even if he would imagine himself having children in some nebulous ill-defined future.

"No, that's not it, I have no problem with them. But my goal is to be the world's greatest swordsman. That's a dangerous path to take, I could die before I ever get that far. That's not going to happen, but the risk is there. That's not exactly a good situation to be founding a family in. And if I make it there's going to be lots of people who want the same thing, challengers are going to show up, try to take the title from me, and if I had a family they could become targets, as well. It's just not a good idea."

"Makes a surprising amount of sense", Sanji said. "Honestly I didn't expect you to have thought about it that much. But what if it happened, anyway? Say you accidentally get some girl pregnant, what would you do? Would you want her to get rid of it?"

"I don't accidentally get girls pregnant."

"Neither do I, it's a hypothetical question", Sanji said, rolling his eyes. "If you were in that situation would you just tell her you don't want kids and leave her alone with the problem?"

"No I wouldn't. I'd take responsibility. But talking about this hypothetical girl doesn't really help, does it? Because if she were at risk of dying from it, I'd tell her the same thing I'm telling you now: it's not worth risking your life for."

Sanji looked off to the side. Apparently this hadn't been what he'd been wanting to hear.

"What about you? You want children, don't you?", Zoro asked.

"Yes." The cook sounded wistful. "A little girl calling me 'Papa' and I'll call her Princess, or a little boy I can show all of my red leg techniques… I'd show the girl, too, though, if she wants to know…" There was a small smile playing around the cook's lips but it vanished quite suddenly.

"This child might have green hair… oh the poor dear", he said, and one hand moved over his belly. Zoro wasn't sure if Sanji was even aware of the gesture.

And that's when it really hit Zoro. He'd somehow assumed that this conversation's purpose was mostly to make Sanji feel better about what he had to do. Because the swordsman hadn't believed the cook would actually be stupid enough to risk his life for a child that didn't even stand a realistic chance at being being born.

But he'd underestimated the cook's stupidity. Which shouldn't have happened, because he knew Sanji was an Idiot. An Idiot who gave his affections away too easily and readily, and who was pretty damn stubborn, to boot.

"And swirly eyebrows. Don't you want to spare it the ridicule?", Zoro asked.

"That's a stupid reason to get rid of it", Sanji said with an offended sneer.

"True. But that it's more likely that this kills you than the child ever being born, sounds like a pretty damn good reason to me."

"So I've been told", the cook said noncommittally, staring back out of the window. "But no one knows how that whatever devil's fruit it was works. It's probably designed to do this, so who's to say it would really kill me?"

"This is not your only chance to have children, cook. Risking your life for this is stupid."

"You're probably right", Sanji said with a shrug. He got up from where he'd been sitting and adjusted his tie. "Well, I guess I found out what I wanted to know. I won't bother you with this, anymore, Marimo, don't worry." He moved towards the hatch in the floor.

"Wait", Zoro said. "Look, I don't think you should do it, it's too risky, but that doesn't mean I'll leave you alone with the problem." Sanji raised an eyebrow as Zoro went on, "If you do this, I'll support you."

The cook smiled a small smile at that, but didn't say anything before going down the hatch.

A day later found Sanji in the galley, trying to find the courage to make a decision. Deep down he already knew what he was going to do, but he kept doubting himself. What if he was making a colossal mistake? That was a very real possibility, if he was honest.

Sleeping on it and talking to more of his nakama had been somewhat helpful, but not as much as he'd been hoping. The consensus seemed to be that the situation sucked, and that Sanji found himself agreeing with fullheartedly.

Luffy had ambushed him after breakfast to try and see where he was 'baking the baby', a conversation that had once again led Sanji to realize that he was a guy and he was pregnant and wasn't that just crazy? That thought had adopted the habit of randomly hitting him throughout the day. It always took him a few minutes to get over it.

Zoro had taken to watching Sanji sharply and honestly the way he looked at him made him a bit uncomfortable. Nami-san had talked to him again and so had Robin-chan who'd brought books on both crazy infectious baby demons and extrauterine pregnancies and their risks.

Usopp had helped him clean up after lunch and he seemed to be the only one who really shared Sanji's dislike for just getting rid of the baby. Unlike Sanji, though he had apparently accepted the necessity of it, and was disappointed in the situation.

He had avoided talking to Chopper, who'd looked at him with big round eyes at every mealtime. He'd felt that was a conversation he needed to be well prepared for.

Sanji could really use a cigarette, but he kept reminding himself that it was a bad idea. Best to try not to add any more problems than he already had. But then he'd been smoking the last three month without knowing, so he might've already caused problems.

He finished wiping off the table and sat down on the bench with a sigh. He'd decided in advance that after he was done cleaning up after dinner he'd go talk to Chopper and tell him his decision. But now that he really had cleaned everything, some things twice, even, just to waste some more time, he still didn't really want to go.

What if he decided wrong? The whole situation up till now hadn't been in his control, he hadn't asked for any of this to happen. It wasn't his fault that he was in this mess. But now it was up to him, and he didn't know if he was really qualified to decide.

If he kept it he would have to leave the ship. That much was clear to him. A baby didn't belong on a pirate ship and a pregnant dude who could spontaneously bleed out didn't, either.

There were normal islands in the new world, too. Like the one with the artisans, and plenty of others. He'd just have to ask to be taken to the one with the least shaky log pose heading and try to find a trustworthy doctor. At least his wanted poster was so terrible that it would be difficult for people to recognize him. The relative anonymity granted by that could actually prove useful. Not that that would ever stop him from hating that picture with all his heart.

But whenever he just thought about leaving, his chest felt constricted and all he wanted to do was curl up in a corner and cry. And it wasn't just thinking about how lonely he'd be without them and how leaving the Thousand Sunny and the people on it would tear his heart into tiny little pieces. It was also because he didn't want to do that to them. He remembered vividly how it had felt back at Water 7 when Usopp had left, and he definitely didn't want to cause anything similar for the others. Of course his situation was different and he had different reasons, but the end result would probably not be much better.

So really, getting rid of it would not only be safer, but also easier. He'd just have to tell Chopper, breathe in some sleeping gas and wake up without this whole problem.

He sighed. Of course he could wait some more with his decision, but he felt like he'd been over some thoughts so often, he was starting to lose sight of their point. He'd looked at it from all sides he could come up with more than once. More waiting wouldn't really help.

With that thought he pushed himself up from the table and went over to the infirmary, trying to imbue his step with confidence he didn't really feel.

Chopper looked up from his microscope when the cook pushed open the door.

"I've made up my mind", Sanji announced as he closed the door behind himself.

"… Okay" Chopper said timidly. He pressed his hooves together as he waited to hear what Sanji had to say.

This is it, Sanji thought, and took a deep breath to steady himself.

"I want to keep it."

A/N: Well this story hasn't gotten many people interested, but I like it, so I'm gonna keep writing. If you're reading, I'd love to hear what you think! And thanks to everyone who did like it. I'm not quite as happy with this chapter, but I hope it's not too terrible.

Anyway, happy new year, everyone.

(And to Saiko-san, yes I do love torturing Sanji. I always do that to my favorite characters, I'm not sure why).