I'm going to a treatment center. That was the fate chosen for me by the family doctor. He said that a physiatrist could help but most kids don't find as much satisfying results from them. I know that for a fact, not soon after Clyde's mother died he had to go see him. Clyde often would complain that it didn't help him at all. Another option was for me to stay at the hospital for a few days to get better, by my doctor didn't recommend it. He said that a more comforting and less stressful environment would be better for me and may help me. I guess he got me there, I hate hospitals and spending lots of time there probably wouldn't make my situation any better.

Instead I'm going to this rehabilitation center for teens, it specializes in us. It's called Ocean View Rehabilitation Center, it sounds like it's some sort of resort or hotel. I guess it could, Mom and Dad told me to treat it as a vacation. It'll be an adventure they say doing new things and seeing new things. I know they're trying to be happy for me so I could be in a better mood about this whole situation. In reality though I can see the pain my Mom's eyes, the hurt in my Dad's voice and I can feel the sinking in my heart. This isn't what my summer is supposed to be. They said I should be out by the end of summer and if not my school will send the work I missed by email to the center. I really don't want to go I mean at least it's not an asylum or anything like that but it still makes me crazy. I have to go to rehab. I have reached my all-time low.

Tomorrow I leave for the center, how long I'll be there is hard to tell. It depends on how quickly I am able to save myself and if I allow this to happen. If I hate it there I won't resist it I'll act all positive towards the situation and all that shit so I can get the fuck out of there as quick as I can. That is my goal, even though I dread going to school next year with not a single friend to have my back. It's scary really the thought of it I really truly am a lone now. It's not a good feeling; it makes me want to throw up even though I've grown out of that feature about me a few years ago.

My bag and suitcase are packed and are that front hallway ready for me to leave tomorrow morning. I didn't bring a long much, just my clothes, a few possessions I can't part with and some personal hygiene stuff. We're not allowed to take with anything sharp and my parents made me hand in my pocket knife to them. I was a bit resistant but I knew that it just wasn't worth the fight.

Since there are going to be computer's at the center I'm not allowed to take a long my computer so I go on it one last time for the night. There is one thing I never did mention before; I guess I should say I do have friends. Just not in real life, my only friends are online. I met them on a forum site earlier this year for a book series I read in grade 6 the same year all of this bullshit started called Warriors. It's a pretty good book series it's about these cats that live in clans and a ton of shit goes down.

I have to tell my friends farewell one last time, because they'll think I have either died or ditched them. Even though they're not really considered real friends because well I have none I don't want to lose them either. I go to the Off Topic Discussion on the forums and I make a new thread on there. I'm one of the older members on there at 15 years old but there are still quite a few at my age and even some older.

Hey guys

This is my last night on the forums for probably the rest of the summer. I don't want to go but I have no choice. I'll try to get on as much as I can where I am going but please don't think I'm dead or have ditched you guys. I'm going to a rehabilitation center. Maybe I should explain some things I never told you.

The reason why I'm going is because I am a total loser. I have no friends in real life and I'm addicted to cutting. I've been doing so for years and my parents just found out. They think it's a really big deal. There has been a lot going on in my life lately and I kind of broke down and attempted suicide not too long ago. Yeah I know it sucks but well I'll be back soon.

Later dudes.

I submit the post and within a matter of minutes I get a ton of replies back. Most of them are saying the same things I hear people tell those who are depressed online. Usually those people are attention whores I find needing to sink so low and talk about their petty issues online for the whole world to see, but who am I to judge? I know everyone takes depression differently. They all tell me the same three words "it gets better." As I read those words I look down at my wrists and see all of the scars, most of them are in straight lines. Some of them I got creative with and made designs and pictures. On my thigh one night I carved in Wendy's initials, it's still there, so I'll remember her. I want to believe it gets better I really do, but every time things look better. It goes back to shit again.

There is one post though that didn't really say much it was from someone that went by the username "Dreamflower123" most people like to call themselves by their own original warrior cat names on the forum. It does make sense after all. The only thing it said was

Listen to Illusion by VNV Nation. Immediately.

That is the only thing it says, I consider not following the person's orders probably taking it as a joke. I have never seen this Dreamflower123 before and I bet she has never seen me before. We don't know each other and I bet she or he is laughing at me where they are now with her (I bet it's a she) little friends. They probably think I'm so sort of psycho.

Maybe I should listen to the song, it's not as if I have anything to loose. I've lost it all anyways, even my dignity. Like Leonardo said in that movie Titanic Wendy dragged me to watch a long time ago so she can loath over how sexy that guy is why I try not to vomit over Celine Dion's song that I keep hearing throughout the damn movie "When you got nothing, you've got nothing to lose." So I click a new link on my Google Chrome and open up YouTube. I type in the name of the song and click on the first video that is entitled that.

The song was beautiful and it struck something in me it really did speak to me. Especially the one line "This world is just illusion, trying to change you." I don't know why but that one lyric in that song really did speak out. It makes so much sense with how high school works and pretty well everything else. I kind of wish deep down though someone that actually knew me cared for me and knew my whole story showed this to me rather than someone I never met before, not even online.

Not knowing what else to do and it is getting late I decide to shut off my computer for the night. I have to get up early tomorrow anyways for the drive of shame. It's like I'm going to prison, and I guess kind of in a way I am. They're shutting me away in an isolated place from the outside world and I was kind of being bad. Not like I robbed a bank or anything or murdered anyone. Well I guess I almost did murder someone, I almost killed Stanley Marsh, also known as me. It would be a crime however I wouldn't really regret though. That and on the good side about that kind of murder is I wouldn't have to pay the consequences. Nope, I'd be dead!

Suddenly the word dead comes to me, I don't know why but a memory of Sparky comes across my mind. Sparky was my gay dog back when I was younger, I loved that dog so much. He was hit by a car a few years ago. It devastated me so much he was my best friend, fits the entire "man's best friend" stereotype of a little boy and his dog. I miss Sparky a lot I love animals, my Mom offered to get me a new dog but I refused it. I didn't want a new dog, I wanted Sparky. It's been some time since he died now and I've gotten over it but we never came across the thought of getting a new dog. I guess I could talk to my parents about getting one but I don't think now would be exactly a great time.

I open a drawer in my desk that is filled with many random memories and I realize I haven't opened this drawer in really long time. It has a musty smell in there like an old antique mall or memories that haven't been touched in quite some time. In there are some of the things from my little group's adventures, some of my Dad's fazes, vacations and other memorabilia. Right in the back is Sparky's old pink bandanna. Before I was more respectful for gays I used to hate it when Sparky wore this. Now I would give just about anything to see him wearing it again.

I begin to wonder how Sparky would've felt if I actually pulled through with suicide if he was alive. I bet he wouldn't be proud. My heart begins to break inside, fuck it's like the same feeling of guilt I got when my Mom was crying. "Sorry buddy." I whisper to the bandanna and place it back into my drawer.

With that I start to get ready for my last night of freedom, this isn't exactly how I wanted to spend my summer. I was hoping to have a decent one away from the drama but I guess that's not happening. I don't think I'm going to be getting much sleep tonight. I really miss my knife….

This world is just illusion, always trying to change you

-Illusion, VNV Nation

A/N

I'm going to be writing each chapter after a song I feel like it relates too or I listened to a lot while making the chapter. This title of this story is actually from a Coldplay song called U.F.O it's such an amazing song and I love that band. Illusion is another song I recommend for you, be warned though it's very sad.

Sorry that this chapter isn't really that good, I promise the next one will be a lot better. I just feel as if I needed to include a few more details into the beginning before things really being to unravel. I'm really excited about chapter three so I'm probably going to start it the second I publish this one!

Thank you all so much for the reviews/follows/favorites each one of them means a ton! I hope you enjoy reading this chapter and I'll see you soon!