Merry Christmas! Here's a present in the form of Eclare fanfiction. Now, keep in mind that the next few chapters might invoke some major Clare hating but, remember that everyone reacts to turmoil in their life in different ways. Eli hoarded, had mental breakdowns, etc. Clare's reaction is bitter resentment which is certainly justified in her mind, even if it makes her do some pretty questionable things. We all go through ups and downs so try to give her the benefit of the doubt. As you know, my fanfics are all about self-redemption, anyway. If there were never any shitty behavior on a character's part, coming clean wouldn't be so awesome. Keep the faith and, sorry if this is a bit rough.

Two

Dr. J.F. Marley was the lead psychologist at the Toronto Psych Institute, an establishment renowned for its research in neuroscience. TPI had made the latest advances in cognitive psychology and Marley was specifically responsible for introducing its most recent experiment, a study in "dream memory". According to the doctor, it was this particular trial that Clare Edwards requested to take part in.

"You came to us six weeks ago," Dr. Marley announced, handing Clare a mug of hot tea. "You read about my research and felt compelled to contact me."

Clare cradled the mug in her trembling hands and looked around her in disbelief. She was seated on a couch in the physician's office, curled in a fluffy white bathrobe. The place was welcoming, with warm rustic furniture and a mottled caramel coloring the walls. Degrees hung in triplicate behind Marley's desk and a wide expanse of windows lit the right half of the room.

"I don't understand why I can't remember any of this," she spoke up. "Doesn't that strike you as odd?"

Marley rubbed his jaw in deliberation. "I'll admit, it is something we've yet to see from the other test subjects," he stated. "However, this is a neurological study that deals explicitly in memory. We cannot pretend to know what the brain will and will not do."

"Can you explain what the experiment is for?" Clare replied. "And why I would want to take part in it?"

Sitting down behind his desk, Marley leaned back in his chair and threaded his fingers under his chin. "The experiment is referred to as D.M.E.—Dream Memory Enhancement," he said in a clinical tone. "Its purpose is to allow the test subject to relive specific events in their life in an effort to change them."

"Relive?" Clare cut in. "I was lying on a table in some random laboratory—that's not exactly reliving something."

The doctor nodded in agreement. "This is true, however everything in life is a matter of interpretation," he rejoined, "this experiment allows a person to delve into their memories in order to change their outcome. In turn, this changes life in the present day."

"How can changing my memories change my reality?" Clare lifted a brow in contention.

"You build your life according to perception, Miss Edwards," Marley explained. "How you see yourself directly affects how you interpret the world. This experiment allows you to grow and change by skewing self-perception. Essentially, it gives you the ability to modify the events you deem responsible for your current unhappiness."

"But they aren't really modified," Clare argued. "The people involved will still see the situation as it actually happened!"

"Duly noted," the doctor replied, "but just as you interpret the situation as negative, others involved may not necessarily feel the same way. They might perceive the memory as an event that led to a positive change in life."

"Yes, but it doesn't give me the chance to reconnect," Clare averred, raking a hand through her curls in frustration. "What's the point if I'm not getting closure?"

"You are getting closure," Marley pointed out. "Changing the memory allows you to move on with your life."

Clare blew out a heavy breath. "Am I really that unhappy?" she whispered.

The doctor gazed at her for a moment before scooping a small book off of his desktop. Coming around to the front, he leaned back against the polished wood and clasped the leather-bound volume to his chest.

"You've had a difficult run, Miss Edwards," he murmured, his voice a tender overture. "Before you began the experiment, we asked you to document the memories you wished to change in a journal." He held up the book and Clare realized that it was her diary. Although it was much thicker, she would recognize that purple spiral pattern anywhere.

"I do not think it appropriate for me to inform you of your past," he continued and handed her the journal. "But I believe this will give you the answers you seek."

"Thank you," Clare replied, tucking the diary up under one arm.

Marley nodded. "Why don't I show you to your room?" he suggested. "Seeing your things might help jog your memory."

The doctor led Clare down a long, white corridor with a series of silver doors. He explained that each of the test subjects were cohabitating in a dormitory, though the living quarters looked more like a psych ward to her. As the neared the end of the gleaming hallway, Marley gestured to a room numbered 37.

"This is where you've been staying." He opened the door and stepped aside, giving Clare access to the tiny room.

She slipped through the opening and looked around. A small window hung high on the mint green wall, trimmed in metal and wire. Just beneath it was a tiny cot and metal filing cabinet that doubled as a nightstand. The room was very industrial and had no embellishments whatsoever—no pictures or personal touches. Clare turned a complete circle as she eyed the contents of the dorm, before facing the doctor in question.

"Where are my things?" she asked.

Marley raked a hand through his snow-white hair, looking a little uncomfortable. "All you brought with you was the journal, a few outfits, and a stack of booklets, which I believe you keep in the filing cabinet," he proclaimed and pointed at the scuffed metal cupboard.

Clare ambled over to the cabinet and opened one of the drawers. Inside was a stack of books, including a small photo album and a Degrassi 2013 yearbook. Startled, she dropped her diary on the cot beside her and yanked the yearbook out of its spot at the bottom of the pile.

The doctor cleared his throat. "I will let you have some time to get reacquainted with yourself," he stated.

"Wait!" Clare cried. "Where do we go from here?"

Marley stalled in the doorway. "Well, that all depends on you. If you decide you still want to move on with the trial, I am willing to continue. However, it is ultimately your decision." Gripping the doorknob, he gave her a pointed look. "I will give you until tomorrow morning to make up your mind, Miss Edwards."

Clare looked down at the unfamiliar yearbook and sighed. "I suppose that's fair."

The doctor closed the door gently behind him and Clare smoothed a hand over the large booklet in her grasp. The cover was typical—dark blue leather with the words Degrassi: 2013 engraved in bright gold print. She cracked open the volume and flipped through the first couple of pages, gasping when she spotted a picture of Alli standing next to Jake. The small girl was wearing a graduation cap and robe. Jake donned dress attire, his arm wrapped possessively around Alli's waist, and they both wore wide, cheesy grins. Clare did not miss the sash draped over Alli's shoulders, signaling that she was Valedictorian, a title Clare had coveted since she was in diapers. Beneath the picture a caption read, Valedictorian Alli Bandhari with boyfriend and Degrassi Alumnus, Jake Martin.

Clare felt her heart clench. Jake and Alli? It wasn't possible! Jake was her boyfriend! Enraged, she ripped through the thick, glossy pages in search of her own photo. As she got to the center of the book, Clare let out a horrified shriek. There she was, standing between Bianca and Imogen looking positively horrible. Her hair was long and as red as a fire engine, with a single black streak running down the left side. The Degrassi uniform hung off her frail frame and her skin was sallow, almost jaundiced, with a blaring tattoo sticking out from beneath the sleeve of her polo.

Head snapping sideways, Clare tore the collar of her robe back and yanked the material down. She squeaked at what she found—her left bicep was banded in color and depicted a massive heart with a silver blade piercing its center. Blood leaked from the wound and formed the words Et Tu, a reference Clare recognized from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. She frowned and ran her fingers over the tattoo in confusion. She had never thought about getting one, not even when she joked with Eli about matching dragons. What would have compelled her to get it, especially this morbid design? She glanced back at the yearbook and read the caption underneath: Senior Clare Edwards with Degrassi Alumni, Imogen Marino and Bianca DeSousa.

Flipping through the pages, she looked for more images of herself but all she could find was a generic yearly picture. There was also a small mention of her contribution to the Degrassi Daily, but she wasn't in the paper's staff photo. Clare covered her mouth in disbelief. Why would she quit the paper? She loved writing! None of this made any sense!

She closed the yearbook and placed her head in her hands. Clare was puzzled and she wished to God she could recall what had happened to make her change so drastically. All she could remember was life leading up to her junior year—her parents' divorce, her friendship and subsequent relationship with Eli, her whirlwind romance with Jake, their parents' getting married, Adam getting shot, and that notorious weekend at the cabin. Granted, she knew things weren't exactly kosher between all of them but, she really had no idea how things could fall a part to such an extent. What would make her blow off her friends, break up with Jake, and start hanging out with Bianca and Imogen? Not that either of them were really that bad…it's just that she never ever saw them wanting to be her friend. She always thought she was too saintly and pure.

Looking up, Clare spotted her diary and snatched it off of the mattress. She opened it up and noticed an entry from the middle of her junior year. It was tabbed and circled, with a small note next to it in chicken scratch saying, "First Memory Attempt." Biting her lip, Clare began reading the entry.

September 15, 2011

The first week back at school was fairly uneventful. Things with Jake are going well but I still haven't talked to Alli. Honestly, I really don't know how to feel about her anymore. I wish she had given me a reason for kissing Jake but, instead, she decided to make the entire thing about her. I've noticed a growing trend there. Alli is so wrapped up in herself she never thinks about how her actions might affect other people. She told me I thought that her problems were pedestrian and, in a way, she's right. I get that her problems are big for her but, I guess I feel they sort of pale in comparison to the paradox I call a life. Maybe I'm being a bitch for not forgiving her but I feel I deserve an explanation. I would NEVER go and kiss her boyfriend behind her back. Some things are just sacred. There's a girl code and Alli totally broke it. Maybe it's wrong for me to forgive Jake—according to Bianca, I'm an idiot for doing so—but I kind of understand why he did it. Heck, when I was standing in the woods with Eli, I almost did it myself. It was wrong for me to even think about Eli that way but, I guess I was trying to convince myself that I could move on and act like sister to Jake. In a way, I think he was doing the same. But the thing is, I don't understand why I would use Eli to forget about Jake, not after all the time I've spent trying to get over him.

Clare paused, feeling somewhat awkward about reading the entry. In truth, she shouldn't feel weird because she had written it, but the whole thing with Eli was making her queasy. She could remember precisely how she felt standing alone with him that night. It was as if, for just a moment, time had slipped away and they were together again. Clare had noticed the changes in him since he'd been seeing his therapist and lately—well, not lately, back then—she had even noticed a familiar light return to his eyes. It was a combination of intelligence and amusement, something he had previously reserved for her alone. But now it was gifted to the world, which showed her that he was truly making a recovery. Clare was no longer the anchor holding him steady and that changed things. She was afraid to find out why it did, though. An Eli who could stand on his own two feet was the very Eli she had fallen for and that was disconcerting.

Shaking her head, Clare tried not to think about him any longer. She needed to find out why this particular entry was tied to the first memory attempt. Settling into her cot, Clare continued reading.

Because, as much as I'd like to say that breaking up with Eli was this big relief, it's actually been harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I'm afraid to be around him. Maybe it's because of all the turmoil we went through as a couple…I suppose that's really the only explanation. He just makes me feel…off kilter. I can't explain why. Maybe that's why I love Jake so much—he's totally different from Eli in every way possible. Light, carefree, and fun…a breath of fresh air, so to speak. He's basically become the one vibrant spot in a colorless world. I mean, he helped me get over an intense relationship and he helped me forget about my parents' divorce. I guess that's the thing about Jake—he helps you overlook all the bullshit in life. That's why I've decided to sleep with him. He kissed me today and I knew, knew that he was going to be my first. It was during this photo op that Katie Matlin had us doing for the Welcome Back Degrassi feature in the Daily. Jake dipped me backwards and planted a kiss on me…it was so sweet that I immediately knew he was the one, the guy I'd be with forever.

As she came to the end of the passage, Clare licked her lips in anticipation. Did she really sleep with Jake? If that were true, why would he be with Alli come graduation? Clare was not the type of person to sleep with someone "just because"—breaking her vow of abstinence was a big deal and she couldn't believe she'd be so careless, choosing someone she'd break up with later. It was supposed to be forever! They were supposed to be forever. Her heart began to pound as she flipped to the next tabbed section of her diary. This too was labeled as a "memory attempt", though she assumed it was something Marley hadn't gotten to yet. It was later in the year and Clare noticed a discernible change in her handwriting. It was less perfect and more…hurried, even a little bit sloppy. Frowning, she began to read the contents of the entry.

December 7, 2011

I came home today and found Jake with Alli. He claimed she was helping him study for an upcoming math test—something Armstrong had set up—but I don't believe him. First of all, they both looked damn guilty and second, Alli's hair was a complete mess. Unless they were studying in a wind tunnel, it was obvious they were fooling around. That's fine with me. I'd figured out what Jake Martin was all about anyway. He was the one who rejected me right in the middle of our consummate union, the one who ran off before I could give him my virginity. He says we're just "taking a break" because I've gotten, and I quote, "a little overwhelming". Now that's irony, especially after everything that happened with Eli. Apparently all that forever talk prior to us having sex was too much for Jake to handle. Where I thought we were supposed to be in love, he clearly had other ideas. Stupid jerk.

Clare's mouth fell open as she got to the part about Jake running off on her. He left her just before they had sex? He rejected her in the middle of their tryst? Jake had been telling her that he loved her for months…why would the idea of forever bother him if they were in love? Looking back, Clare realized that she might not have known Jake as well as she thought she did. Biting her lip, she tried to hold back tears of regret as she continued reading the rest of the passage.

Bianca told me that I should get back at Jake for being such a dickface. She's pushing me to talk to Imogen because she's "damn clever". I'm not too sure about that. Imogen may be quick but she once used her wiles to turn Eli against me- who's to say she won't do it again? I don't know. I'm just so confused. I've been dating some less than stellar guys in hopes of getting Jake's attention. Owen Milligan was the cherry on top of the sundae. We fooled around at the Ravine one night while I was hanging out with Bianca. We got pretty hot and heavy—I let him touch me in some very private places—and when word got back to Jake, he was livid. He cornered me in the hallway later that week and demanded an explanation. I refused to give him one and, today I find him alone with Alli. If Jake wants to play hardball, I'm totally game…and I know just what to do to get back at him. I'm going to sleep with another guy, someone that will really piss Jake off. And I know exactly who that person is…

Hand flying up over her mouth, Clare's stomach churned as she read the name scrawled in solid, black ink.

Eli.

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