Too Troublesome To Title.
Case 1. Copy Crazy Crash. Part 2.
Chouji and Ino were in Shikamaru's office for about ten minutes, -by Chouji's generous estimate- before Ino started to be a pessimist. So placating himself with a bag of chocolate chip cookies, -one of the hundred calorie type deals- he then went and started to talk Ino into being an optimist again.
That was a whole lot easier said then done. Sasuke shattering her favorite delusion, really left some mental wounds. Hence why with approaching the third anniversary of his leaving Konoha she was really bitchy. It was as Shikamaru once said about eighteen months after he'd left, "How much did she obsess over him? Did she have a freakin' Sasuke shrine in her closet?"
"Damn it. He just freaking escaped us. That's what he just freaking did. He just left us!" Ino had just hit full on bitch mode. Chouji really wished he had Shikamaru's deftness at handling Ino when she was like this. That deftness was gained when she was stalking Shikamaru. There was a time about fourteen months A.S. (after Sasuke) and for about three months they were really close friends. According to Shikamaru she'd done everything but strip to get him, after an incident -which neither of his teammates would tell him about- Chouji guessed he'd set her straight, and helped her get her priorities settled. How he managed without razing her building of self-confidence and setting the ashes out on the metaphorical wind, Chouji didn't know. Shikamaru had told him that if he wanted Ino that he has to wait a while, so her mental state would settle.
A lot of ninjas had mental problems. Weather it was really noticeable like Anko's craziness, or hardly noticeable like Hinata's painful shyness, they were there. He had a problem of over eating himself, whenever he wasn't sure about the social graces. Kakashi buried himself in books, Naruto had his ramen obsession, who knew what went on in Shino's mind and much less the Kazekage's. Albeit, most of Gaara's 'problems' became manageable. Shikamaru was probably the most sane ninja in the village. Kiba didn't count. He had a toy dog he took everywhere. And slept with.
Then you had people like Gai and Lee. Ninja like that pushed even the limits of other ninja. Then you had the mass murdering ninja like Itachi, the freaky looking ones like Kisame and Orochimaru, -he also fell under the category of crazy- and to top it all off was the ones who had strange beliefs anyway. Lee, the hardwork genius, Neji, a firm believer in fate and Karma, Sakura and Ino, who had believed -until Sasuke left- that they'd be the ones who'd marry him. Which led him back to his current problem. 'Damn did I just zone out?'
"Ino just have a little patience, he'll show up. He won't rush, you know that." He did a halfway sucky job of scolding her. "In the meantime we'll talk about something else till then. How's business?"
"Blooming."
"Uh," Big Brownies, that left other trite stuff to talk about. Weather, gossip, training, in other words small talk. Which Ino hated unless it was about her or fashion. That left several avenues of conversation which Chouji didn't want to explore, or at least not yet. So he ashed, "So what do you think Shikamaru's theory is?"
"How am I suppose to know? The Yamanaka clan, for all its mental prowess, CAN NOT READ MINDS!"
"I was asking if you had an idea of what he might be proposing?"
"I don't know who did it, if I did I would have already kicked his ass!"
A knock at Shikamaru's office door went and saved Chouji, and possible took him from the frying pan to the oven. Sakura poked her head in. Fudge, this would not end well. Even Shikamaru could not mediate all the disputes that those two could unleash. His day just got worse. Noticeably.
"So what are you two doing here?" Sakura asked.
"Oh, don't try the innocent act here, Sakura!" Obviously being female gave Ino increased powers of perception. Chouji thought Sakura was just being curious. He wondered where Ino got the innocent thing from. Probably just a girl thing.
He just wanted them NOT to fight in the office. One, Shikamaru would never let them back in again. Two, Shikamaru would order them to clean up all. Three, Shikamaru would be pissed and who's to say he won't get his revenge for this when it most suited him. He could act a little impulsively. Or he could plan this out for months. He could create a chain of incidents -if he had motivation enough- to ruin a ninja. If Shikamaru planned it out, you'd get a beating on any choice you could think of, and work it to where it was a lesson of geometric progression. If it wasn't a lesson in exponents.
"I was just wondering if Shikamaru had found the prankster." Sakura explained. Definite girl thing Chouji decided. Those hundred calorie packs weren't enough. He was missing details. If he was missing details, then he'd start getting hunger headaches, and then he'd be binge eating. He'd ask Shikamaru for advise later. For the moment, he'd intercede between Ino and Sakura. He could tell that a thoughtless comment would so destroy the office.
"Shikamaru has a theory, but he didn't tell us. So I was going to ask Ino thought about who it was when you came in." Chouji offered. "I'd like to hear yours if you have one."
Ino still picked a comment to fence with. "I still believe its Naruto's doing. I mean look at my hair!" She shook her hair to emphasize her point.
Sakura parried Ino's accusation. "Please Ino, You freaking know better than that. Naruto has alibi's for several of the copy incidents. He wasn't even around for some of them! You and your pig-headed stubbornness are just holding a grudge for a stupid prank! Face it, this prank is exceedingly complex, and way beyond Naruto's know-how!"
Ino countered with her own. "He knows how to rig it, he could do Kage Bunshin and have them henge into some random person and have them set it up when the copiers were checked by the maintenance guys!"
Chouji metaphorically slammed a claymore onto their foils. "Okay since we're discussing this, let's be reasonable. If Naruto did this he has the knowledge of how to rig it, he could do this technically at any time, as Ino said because of Kage Bunshin. However Naruto has some evidence defending him, one is that Naruto doesn't know how to mix the inks that way, and two how fix the ink cartridges to where they won't show they been tampered with. However for him to be the suspect, we know he could mess with the copier, and he's an accomplished prankster. Still my instinct says 'no.'"
"Now then, just to clear the air Ino, what happened when Naruto pranked you?" Chouji asked.
"Well I got a can of green paint on me obviously!"
"I know the basics of what happened, still who was the first to arrived? I heard that Naruto said that the trap wasn't meant for you."
"Well, uh, it was," Ino smoothed her tinged hair. "It was, um yea, Shino!"
"So you could say, based on who was there first, and Naruto's statements that it was meant for Shino."
"Why would Naruto prank Shino?" Sakura asked.
"Well, if Ino outfit was ruined, imagine what would happen to Shino?" Chouji said.
"Man are you turning into Shikamaru?" Ino demanded.
"Actually Shikamaru and I talked about that incident shortly after that happened. I'm just basically repeating what he said." Chouji said rather sheepishly.
"Oh," Ino replied.
"That would be strange to see Shino without his coat." Sakura said. "I can't even remember if I've ever seen him without it. Or the glasses. In some ways he's worse that Kakashi. Kakashi just hides his face and one of his eyes. Shino hides most of his face behind that collar of his, and I don't think I've ever seen what color his eyes are." Sakura got a familiar glaze to her eyes, Chouji recognized it from when Ino was after Sasuke. "I wonder what he looks like. That must have been what Naruto was after. You just got there earlier. So you were the one who received the green paint."
"Such astounding logic skills Sakura." The tone, Chouji noted was dripping enough venom, he was surprised the room hadn't been eaten away by the acid tone.
"Alright, 'nuff said." Chouji interceded. Maybe he could get them to back down before fully unsheathed their claws and got them all bloody. Because when they did that, the office would be trashed. Not only would Shikamaru get mad at them but also the three other ninja who used the room would too. That would be really bad.
Suddenly, Ino went rigid and acted like she was opening the door. She went and took a few steps. Meanwhile Shikamaru went and walked in the door. He went to his desk and settled in his usual position. Chair tilted back on two legs, a leg on the desk and another on the floor. Ino copied Shikamaru's movements to the best of her ability. Chouji winced. To stay in a crazy position like that had to put some serious strain on the muscles. Not only to just be in the position, but to hold it. Shikamaru had once said shortly after he was made chunin, that it was easier to hold someone in a position that was braced. The 'holdie' could theoretically 'pull' the person, but if and only if the person was physically strong enough to lift the holder and had enough chakra to overpower the jutsu to reverse the flow of the 'hold.' That was only theory, since no Nara had ever let someone do that. Came close, but ever let.
Ino was doomed, while she had only slightly more chakra than Shikamaru, and her physically strength was virtually non-existent to Shikamaru's when in comparison. Shikamaru was actually pretty strong, He had beaten Chouji once before in a quite memorable arm wrestling contest. When asked he why Shikamaru didn't do taijutsu more seriously, Shikamaru had answered 'it is always better to keep something in reserve.' Chouji didn't probe further.
Sakura went and tentatively asked, "So what about your theory?"
"Oh, that." It seemed that Sakura went and knocked Shikamaru out of a daydream. Or else he, Chouji was missing something. Like an explanation of some sort. Sugar cookies! "Anyway, my theory," Shikamaru paused for dramatic tension. Chouji knew that he actually all the drama stuff. He was self titled critic of drama. He had on several occasions taken him to the movies and to various plays, as long as they were nearby. Still Shikamaru, never doing anything unless he got something worth anything out of it.
"Was correct." With this he let Ino go. Ino fell on her ass.
"Oh, so who was it?" Chouji asked.
"Yeah, tell us who it was!" Sakura exclaimed.
"Yeah, tell us it was Naruto!" Ino said full of spunk and sass once again.
"Ino, would you stop that and listen?" Shikamaru asked. "Anyway I went and had a troublesome meeting with Lady Tsunade, explaining this, and ran into the same problem we're having now."
"Huh?"
"Nani?"
"What!?"
"I kept getting interrupted. That's the problem." he said blithely.
"Makes sense." Chouji commented.
"Oh,"
"So what did the Hokage say?" Sakura asked.
"That the theory made sense, and is probably true based on evidence, which I gathered. So its true."
"But what was your theory?" Sakura asked again.
"Roughly put, everyone was involved."
"You lost me at the 'everyone' Shikamaru."
"Shikamaru, I probably know how your mind works better than anyone here, but still, I don't see how everyone could be involved. I must lack the creativity for that."
"Nah, you're just being linear. That's all. Think about how the human mind works. Then you add what ninja minds tend to do."
"So your theory is based on basic psychology?" Sakura asked.
"Only part of it." Shikamaru explained. "Basic human psych says if something is wrong, you'll want to find out why, or something to blame. So this time its ink. When the inks did the funny copying, everyone thought it a prank. That's where the ninja psych comes in. We're so used to thinking a certain way it becomes habit, and thus we assume its a prank. Also normal psych says 'if enough people say something's true then it has to be true.' However we know that but still we can fall prey to that."
"So its not a prank? How can that be?" Sakura asked.
"Because everyone was a part of it. Albeit, unwittingly." Shikamaru said.
"I totally don't know how that's possible. We're ninja of Konoha for the love of-!" Ino suddenly stopped mid-sentence.
Shikamaru waved his arm. Ino copied. "Ino, I really dislike having to do this to a fellow ninja of Konoha, but I won't ever get a chance to explain this otherwise. As I was saying, everyone is involved to some extent. When you find out the ink is messed up, what would you usually do? Hint, you'll fix it. If it is possible. So you'll do as Chouji did when he was, for lack of better word, 'pranked.'"
"Going on, you'll cut your losses. Chose the one that is less troublesome. However as ninjas we also use our resources more effectively than what some people would do. Especially since Tsunade took over. If you bother to recollect Sakura, how many boxes of ink cartridges were open in the supply closet?"
"Uh, ..., one?"
"Correct. What would you do when a copier ran out of ink?"
"Get another cartridge?"
"Correct. But what if the ink cartridges were mislabeled?"
"You'd get something other than what you want."
"Correct. Now do you get my theory?"
"Sort of." Sakura said. "You're saying that since we're ninja we're more likely to jump to the conclusion of its the work of someone, and miss the more mundane conclusions right?"
"Yup. Tsunade asked me to figure it out yesterday, then went and ripped into me earlier today, when I hadn't produced valid results. I just hadn't checked. Anyway its pretty obvious that there was a mix up at the place and they either mislabeled everything or something of other. Anyway the company is probably gonna get its ass chewed up by the Better Business Bureau."
The door then opened up and another Shikamaru came in and dropped off a lunch box before 'poofing' out of existence. A clone? Chouji looked at Shikamaru. He shrugged. Let go of Ino again.
"What!? I'll probably be stuck here for at least a couple of hours doing paperwork over this. If I happen to get hungry I can't just drag all the paperwork home. I'll probably forget something and have to come back a couple of times! That, is just to much walking. So I'll just do all my paperwork now. Get it over with and all that."
"But who's ink do we have then?" Ino asked. Now much subdued.
"Who knows. We won't get a refund for sure, we used too much of the shipment for that, so more likely we'll keep what we have. Colorful paperwork!" He gave a wide grin. Then he put his 'serious' face back on. "Now, shoo! I have paperwork to do. Besides Ino, don't you have to apologize to Naruto? Sakura you can take her and make sure she does." Shikamaru went and looked down at the paperwork. He sighed. Got a pen, and twirling it in his fingers, "Anytime now."
Sakura dragged Ino out. Chouji looked at Shikamaru.
"What?" Shikamaru asked with an innocent bored look on his mug.
"You're such an evil, manipulative, bastard." Chouji said endearingly.
"You're making it sound like its a bad thing."
"So you really have no idea of who got our ink?"
"Not at all, and I don't really care. It would be too much work so we'll leave it at, ..., I don't care. The BBB will take care of it."
"You do know that Ino and them will try and get revenge for you using the Kage Mane."
"Sort of counting on it. I plan my week on what happens on a Monday."
"Really?"
"No, you gullible fool."
"Shrooms."
"I agree with that statement."
Meanwhile at an undisclosed location...
A scream was heard. "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!"
A blond with an eye patch, and a black cloak with red clouds on it rushed into a room where the scream originated from. "Oh, it's just you." he said.
"Don't! This is sacrilege of the highest order! Even if you graffiti-ed an entire art museum it wouldn't come close!"
"It depends on what the museum showcased in my opinion."
"Look!"
The red-headed puppet master held out a large piece of paper which in Deidara's opinion looked like a bunch of labeled scribbles.
"Labeled scribbles?"
"You're looking at it wrong."
"I knew that." He turned the paper. "Is this plans for a Tobi puppet?"
"Meybe."
"Why is it all dark colored? Wouldn't you put plans like this a light color?"
"Look at the freaking copier's inks. They're labeled wrong. How am I supposed get my scroll work memorialized when it doesn't even copy right! The one inside the freaking copier says 'lavender' and its black." He sniffed as daintily as a puppet could.
"Ugh, to keep your plans secret, what mediums have you tried, lemon juice?"
"Itachi made lemonade."
"Vinegar?"
"Kisame took over the kitchen."
"Dinner's gonna be fish again, dammit! That rules out tempera too. Tried the highlighter?"
"Zetsu."
"What is he do- never mind. Acrylic paint?"
"Too thick"
"Oil paint?"
"Smell."
"That rules out spray paint too doesn't it? Along with- nah, that wouldn't work either. Markers?"
"Konan."
"I don't want to know. Chalk, but you'd have the smudge problem then, unless you sprayed it, which makes it as useless as the oil paint because it gets all fuzzed without proper ventilation."
"Tobi's playing hopscotch."
"With who?"
"Himself."
"Watercolor?"
"Pein."
"Crayon? Color pencil?"
"Pein and Konan."
"What are they doing?"
"I dunno. It also apparently involves candle wax."
"Charcoal?"
"That Itachi has, and as you know has never given back along with the oil pastels."
"Damn that's all I can think of off the top of my head. You turn 'em in to the Better Business Bureau?"
"Yep. You know the type though, they're not going to help though."
"I know the type. I'll help out a fellow artist. I'll get angry on your behalf. Where's the company located?"
"Suna."
"Ah, that's also where our target jinchuuriki is also."
"Two birds, one stone?"
"Yeah, lets go inform Pein."
So then the two artists of Akatsuki went to cheerfully inform their leader. Who was coloring paper butterflies. With Konen. Who was cutting out little paper dolls. So they quickly informed him and left even before Kisame finished dinner.
As Itachi pecked at the food -which was not fish for once, when dinner was made by Kisame-, Kisame asked, "Where are they going?"
"Hnnn. Where's my lemonade?"
"I think Hiden got it."
"All of it."
"Make some more."
"I'll go ask Pein if he could go bar tend. He stole my drink."
"It's not like you had alcohol in it."
"Hnnn."
"No wonder you like lemonade." Kisame gave a toothy grin. "And just what have you been sneaking in there?"
"There's vodka in the kool-aid."