The Mudblood and The Ferret
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! I don't make money off of anything! But I do own this wacky plot! Mwha ha ha ha!
Rating: "M" for later chapters involving complete and utter awkwardness. Adult themes and such, swearing, late night rendezvous! Woo! I'm so excited!
Warning: My lame attempt at humor. I'm more of an angst-filled writer. So you have been warned. (Thank you all for your reassurance of me actually accomplishing my attempts at humor!!!)
Summary: In the middle of one of their infamous fights, this time over an Ancient Runes book in the library, Draco and Hermione accidentally become cursed by the wretched book, making them switch bodies! For how long, however, neither of them knows! Dramonie story! Attempted humor and a good read. No HBP.
Author's Note: Thank you guys for the nineteen reviews I got for chapter one! I hope this chapter will bring more attention, but if not, I'm still going to put 100 in this lovely story. Please enjoy, and I hope to hear a bit of your opinion about it in the end! Thanks again!
Chapter Two: A Gender Dilemma
Draco pulled open Hermione's bedroom door viciously, and screamed once again when he saw himself standing across the hall from him. Hermione screamed also.
"Malfoy…my body…what…?" Hermione questioned. She was going to throw up.
"What did you do Mudblood?" Draco snapped. He bit back his insults though, feeling strange to hear Hermione's voice say these sharp, angry words. It was even weirder, seeing that these words were directed at his person.
"I didn't do anything! This has to do with the curse…the curse you brought on upon us you bastard!" Hermione screamed. She began to cry now, making Draco's face look blotchy and red.
"Hey! Stop that right now Granger! My body has to remain perfect; do you hear me damn it? You better stop that right now!" Draco cried. Hermione quickly wiped away her tears. Draco stepped up to her, biting back a gasp at the height advantage Granger currently had over him.
"We have to go see Dumbledore," Hermione said suddenly.
"Sure Granger, let's go waltz into Dumbledore's office in the middle of the night, barely dressed, and claim that we've switched bodies because of some deranged book written by an even more deranged Egyptian Goddess." Draco sneered, and Hermione flinched.
"Don't do that…it makes me look insane."
"You are insane Mudblood."
"Shut up! Just…Shhh…be quiet…I have to think…"
"Oh, thinking about breaking into the library to find some counter, eh?"
"Just shut up!"
"Thinking about running to Potty and Weasel?"
"MALFOY!"
"Thinking about—" before Draco could finish, Hermione had covered her hands over Draco's mouth. He began to make small noises of anger.
"Just. Shut. Up!" Hermione shouted. Draco tried to struggle against Hermione's iron grip, cursing the girl's weak, lithe form. Hermione removed her hands.
"You stupid bitch, I could barely breathe!" Draco snapped, placing his hands on Hermione's shapely hips. It was then, that Draco glanced down at himself.
Hermione had a body, and a hell of one, at that. She was shapely in the right spots, mostly in the hips and legs region, and she had an ample bosom for a girl of her prestige. Immediately, Draco grabbed Hermione's breasts, squeezing them.
"MALFOY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Hermione roared.
"I'm just checking your ass…" he paused, giving her the look, "…sets…"
"Get your filthy hands off of me!" Hermione snarled. Draco looked up, tossing her a quizzical glance.
"But, Malfoy, this is MY body…" Draco said in an overly stupid tone, the accent being accentuated by a going an octave higher than usual. "What ever are you talking about?"
"You bastard!" Hermione cried. Draco pulled back the knickers that was on Hermione's body and peered down.
"I don't have a prick anymore…how am I going to pee?"
"Girls sit down to pee, Malfoy. And stop looking at me down there!" Draco grimaced.
"Well I have to get used to this deformed body, now aren't I?" he snapped, removing his fingers from the band of the knickers so they would slap back on him. Hermione gasped.
"NO!" she cried out, slapping her hand onto her forehead. "The tattoo!"
"What?" Draco asked, a slow, evil smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"Oh bleeding, buggering hell…"
"Granger?"
"Oh for the love of Morgana…"
"Gay-Ranger?"
"Oh mighty ducks…"
"MUDBLOOD!" Draco barked. Draco's face, which was always pale, turned bright red with embarrassment. "Mind my face!" Draco hissed.
"I have a tattoo…I got it…eons…ago…please, do…not tell anyone…" Hermione gasped out. Draco smirked, making Hermione flinched at how scary that smirk looked on her face. She also realized that maybe she should exercise a bit more, noticing the thickness of her thighs.
"Oooh…I can't wait to look for it!" he said, positively gleeful, bouncing on the balls of his feet and clapping.
"You will do no such thing!" she snapped. "Not only is that is an invasion of privacy, but you don't have to look too hard on my body, it's on my lower back you ninny!"
"Why would Hermione Granger, The Biggest Mudblood of the Century, have a tattoo?"
"I don't need to justify that question with an answer!" she huffed, crossing her arms. She realized that Draco had also wrapped his arms around his current body, shaking slightly. Hermione then scratched the back of her neck, peering down at Draco. "Erm…I have a dressing robe hanging on the back of the door, if you're cold…" she said kindly. Draco shrugged.
"All right, so?"
"Well, you seem cold s'all…I know I would be cold…"
"Well, I'm not…" Draco replied quietly. "I don't need to wear some girlie robe…"
"Well, newsflash Malfoy, you are a girl."
"Fine!" he snapped, walking out of the hallway and entering Hermione's bedroom, and soon returning with a fluffy, pink colored robe decorated with white bunnies tied around his body. "If you ever mention this, I will personally lynch you and your mudblood-loving friends," Draco hissed.
Hermione shrugged, "I wouldn't do such a thing. This will surely require some deep psychiatric evaluation when we switch back to our original bodies…I mean…if…we go back to our bodies," Hermione said with a small taunting smile. Draco glowered at her.
"Shut it Granger, you're aiming to give me nightmares, aren't you?" he said, watching the smug look cross his face that was currently owned by Hermione.
"You know what? Why don't we just go off to bed and rise early so we can talk to Dumbledore?" she said, abandoning her smug smile.
"Right…" Draco said with a nod.
"We can approach before breakfast," Hermione added.
"Why not after?"
"Because Dumbledore would probably like to eat and avoid vomiting up his breakfast once he realizes your slimy mush of a soul is swimming about in my body!" she snapped. Draco blushed as Hermione released an eerie giggle, sounding completely wrong coming from Draco's body.
"Oh ha-ha-ha Granger…and what do you think you Mudblood-Lover will think of you when he realizes he has talk to the epitome of Dark Wizardry?"
Hermione immediately stopped laughing. "Oi? What's this rubbish?" she asked. "You! The EPITOME OF DARK WIZARDRY!?" she began shouting with laughter, doubling over as she wiped tears of mirth from her eyes. "Are you serious Malfoy? You don't even have the bloody mark and you've reached the age of majority!"
"How do you know I don't have the mark of my Lord, Granger?" Draco asked, placing his hands on his—er—Hermione's—hips, he corrected his thought process.
"Well Malfoy…your "Lord" is practically dead. He's just roaming the country looking for Unicorn blood. He can't even hold a bloody wand, yet alone cast spells since we destroyed the Horcruxes! The entire Wizarding World knows he's about to die…as a mortal. You know, without Harry's help. If Harry had to kill him, your "Lord" will really be pathetic then…" she grinned. "And, I checked your arm, just for good measure…"
"You bloody witchy-bitch!" Draco hissed. Hermione again giggled.
"Witch I am but bitch I am not Malfoy! You're just mad because you're a loser…" Hermione yawned then, walking around Draco's fuming form as she entered her bedroom, closing the door with an authoritative click, leaving Draco alone in the hallway.
"Egads!" Draco blinked several times, his lips turned down in a frustrated frown as he walked into his own bedroom for some much needed sleep.
The sun, an ever so sweet and blissful bright yellow, poured into Hermione's room and through the drapes of her full size, four poster bed. She stretched languidly as her alarm clock sang "Get Your Witch On," by the Wicked Warlocks.
"Getcha witch on…getcha getcha getcha getcha witch on! WHO'S THAT WITCH??!! WITCHES YOU DON'T KNOW!"
Immediately she slammed her palm on the dreadful song, her eyes blinking away the sleep that had formed in the corners of her lids. She gave a shaking yawn that made her jump in fright.
The voice was incredibly deep.
Like a man's voice.
It wasn't some psychedelic dream from a result of being in the Ferret presence so much…it was all true…she REALLY WAS THE FERRET!
-
Draco was having a similar dilemma soon after waking. Minus the sunshine, since he liked to keep a Dungeon-ey-feel to his atmosphere. He slid a hand down the front of his body, hoping to find his morning wood proud and ready, but he was met with smooth skin and a funny...something…
"What the fuck?" he mumbled, pulling his hand out of a pair of boxer-type knickers. "Oh…yeah…" Draco rolled onto his stomach, finding that round, soft breasts were crushing into his arms that were folded across his chest currently. "Hmm…I could get used to this…"
Draco finally pulled himself out of the bed and grabbed a towel, heading towards his private bath. Having inspected every inch of Hermione's impeccable—not that he would ever admit that out loud—body, he then jumped into the tub for a long shower, enjoying the warm water and the apple-smelling shampoo/body wash he had nicked from Hermione's loo eons ago. He thought the muggle product would surely be poisonous to his scalp, but he found the scent quite enduring and sensual, and wanted it.
When he exited the shower he found Hermione standing in the doorway, also wrapped in a towel exposing Draco's person. He grinned as he noticed just how finely chiseled his chest looked. "Is there something I can help you with Granger?"
"Yes there is actually something you can help me with. Unfortunately you're needed Malfoy, I'd rather like the idea of you being completely useless to the world, but…ah… I need clothes," she said. In her arms was a bundle of clothing. She threw it on his bed, and on closer inspection, he saw that it was the formal Gryffindor girl's uniform. He frowned at the conservative length of the skirt and quickly extracted the proper clothing for Hermione to wear from his vast closet. He pressed the garments into Hermione's outreached arm and sent her away with a glare.
"Granger…Granger…no wonder you don't get laid…" Draco said, staring down at the clothes scattered on his bed.
---
They met in the common room. Hermione was holding Draco's rather light school bag with her arms crossed as she lazily watched the clock click on the wall. It was nearly six-thirty in the morning, just fifteen minutes until breakfast. She thought Draco's person looked lovely in his pressed trousers, white Oxford shirt, Slytherin sweater and tie. She huffed when she heard a pair of heavy heels hitting the ground. Facing the hallway to the bedrooms, Hermione watched as Draco stumbled into the common room strapped in Hermione's rather clunky Mary Janes. But instead of the usual knee-length dress, white ankle socks and school sweater, Draco had pulled on white knee-highs, shortening Hermione's skirt and wearing just an Oxford shirt, slightly opened showing the swell of her breasts."MALFOY YOU POOF!" she roared. "GO PUT MY CLOTHES BACK ON!"
"I am wearing your clothes," Draco said calmly, moving to grab Hermione's school bag. "Merlin, what do you put in this thing?" he asked, throwing the heavy bag onto his back. "And how am I a poof, Granger? I rather enjoy the way I make your body look in this…" he said with a smirk, walking out of the common room. Hermione growled and quickly followed Draco.
"Wait Malfoy!" she hissed, violently grabbing him by the elbow and yanking him back. But soon Hermione felt two sets of arms throwing her against a wall.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing Malfoy?" said a voice. Through her daze, Hermione stared into the round blue eyes of Ron.
"Ron!" she sighed. "What'd you do that for?" she whimpered, rubbing the back of her head. Ron gave her a funny look and glanced over at Harry in confusion. Choosing to ignore her, Ron moved towards Draco, who was smiling sweetly, and placed his hand on Draco's shoulder.
"Did he hurt you badly Hermione?" Ron asked. Harry was throwing Hermione a filthy look as he followed Ron, questioning Draco-in-Hermione's-body.
"I'm okay…"
"Are you sure? We could tell the Headmaster he was hurting you…"
"Um…it's okay…"
"ARE YOU SURE?"
"Bloody well sure, thanks…"
They exchanged awkward looks and Draco shrugged. He didn't know if this intense silence was common between the Golden Trio.
"Erm…Hermione…are you sure you're okay?" Harry asked fearfully.
"I said yes you dimwit…now let's eat…I'm famished…" Draco drawled, walking away from Ron and Harry, who again stared at each other. Hermione saw as Harry mouthed the words "Time of the Month…" to Ron (who nodded understandingly) and glared. The two boys walked away with Draco who was finding it easy to sway his hips as he walked. Hermione was tempted to scream aloud, but bit down on her lip. From the corner of her eye, she saw Pansy Parkinson dancing her way down the corridor.
"Egads..."
"So I heard Harry Potter was going to take you to Hogsmeade tomorrow…" Parvati giggled. Ginny shrugged.
"Well…he is my boyfriend…there's nothing off about that."
"Oh! Sweet Ginny," Padma sighed. Both Patil sisters were sitting on either side of Ginny, laughing in her ear. Ginny refrained from gripping them by their long black ponytails and flinging them away from her. "He's Harry Potter…quite different from the many lads you've shacked up with."
WHAT?!
Ginny slowly turned her head to stare hatefully at Padma. "Excuse me?" she hissed. Padma giggled.
"You've dated like, all of the seventh year boys excluding your brother of course for obvious reasons…but—" Just then, Harry walked into the Great Hall, Hermione in front of him. He was right in front of Ginny now, his hand raised in a shy wave when she grabbed the hand and pulled herself into his arms.
"Gin…" Harry gasped, surprised at Ginny's current attack.
"Get me away from them before I hex their ponytails off…"
"Mmm…I know…you're quite handy at the Bat-Bogey…all right darling, come with me…" Harry pulled Ginny along with him, leaving behind two star-struck twins staring longingly at Harry.
"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked rudely as Ginny sat beside Harry. Ginny raised a brow.
"I'm sorry…did I need your permission to sit here?" Ginny asked half-heartedly. Hermione glared and rolled her eyes.
"Of course not Weaselette…but do sit down further from me, you're attracting flies…"
"HERMIONE!" Ginny gasped. Harry stared in shock as Ron turned red about the ears.
"THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!" Ron mouthed to Harry from beside Hermione. Harry nodded, gaining some color back into his face. Ginny, on the other hand, was staring confusedly at Hermione, but quickly dismissed it. After all, was it that unusual for Hermione to act like a bitch? To her, not at all.
"Oh, Hermione…I wanted to ask you about the Valentine Day event!" Ginny exclaimed, suddenly pulling out a parch-pad and quill from her robe pocket. "Do you think I could ask you a few—"
"You know what? I forgot something in my common room," Hermione interrupted rudely, standing from her seat. Ron, Ginny and Harry both got an eyeful of lovely satin blue panties as she lifted her leg to swing it over the bench to exit. Ginny gasped, Harry's jaw dropped open, and Ron blushed furiously, watching as Hermione, who took no notice of having flashed, fled from the Great Hall. If Ginny was crazy, she would have sworn Hermione was running after Malfoy, who had just jumped out of his seat beside Pansy Parkinson. Ginny cleared her throat.
"Panties—er—Pan—cakes…anyone?"
Lavender Brown was nearly late for the start of breakfast as she sped through the corridors. She really wanted to sit next to her boyfriend, who was usually caught smiling, laughing, and on occasion intimately touching Hermione Granger, Queen Bitch-wad.
She absolutely hated the girl! Why? Well, for simple enough reasons!
Her boyfriend absolutely adored her!
She was SMART!
She was the sole Founder of some now-popular organization in the Wizarding world called S.P.E.W, not spew, as she sometimes called it with her close circle of friends for laughs.
And she was gorgeous.
Possibly prettier than her, even. Hermione was taller than most girls her age, with a perfect figure she did NOT flaunt, making guys want her even more. She was the Class-A nerd with tits and ass, making Lavender flinch in surprise and disgust. Lavender herself barely passed her classes with an Acceptable and could count on more than both hands the times she failed with the grading Troll. But Hermione Granger always passed with an Outstanding.
How did she know this, you ask?
BECAUSE RON BRAGS ABOUT IT!
She was completely furious. Not only did she have to worry about grades, she also had to worry about her boyfriend running off with that nerd! Lavender remembers all. Especially when Ron broke up with her to please Hermione…but she wouldn't let that mistake happen again. She. Will. Not. EVER.
But as she was running down the hall, smoothing back her long curling brown hair, she was shoulder punched by none other than the Queen Bitch-wad herself.
"WATCH IT BROWN!" Hermione growled, continuing to stock off down the hallway. Lavender, who was flung into a wall during the rampage, squealed in shock and gripped her shoulder.
"YOU FAT BITCH!" she roared, flabbergasted.
"AH! SOD OFF YOU PIECE OF RUBBISH SLUT!" Hermione shot back, disappearing from the hall. Lavender gasped again, at the entire audacity of the situation.
Yeah. She was definitely right about that bitch Hermione Granger. And Merlin be her witness…she was going down.
We take off from Hermione's perspective next chapter. What WILL Lavender DO? And what did Pansy DO? Ew…
Please review! I only write for you--whoooo!