Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, The Decemberists, or The Perfect Crime #2. Kishimoto and Meloy do respectively.
The Perfect Crime #2
It is never said that Naruto is the smartest man. It is said he is clever. The village was about to find out how clever. All those years of prank after prank. The pay off was going to be huge. Half of half of five and twenty gathered. He could have done this himself. He was a master shadow clone user. If he did say so himself. But back to the reason. They were all present and accounted for. Included the mole. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there was a traitor in their midst. As much as the Uchiha fit the role, he wasn't it. This time. No, it was a new girlfriend. They thought they could trust her. When all was said and done, they would see.
"Konohamaru, get ready and in position." Naruto barked out, as quiet as a bark can be. The newly minted Chunin nodded, and disappeared. The compound trees ruffled and nothing more. "Neji." The eldest Hyuuga there merely nodded, gone in a flash. You see this took months of planning. Tonight, Lord Hiashi was going down. He took the one, ok the second, thing you don't take from Naruto Uzumaki. Everyone there was sympathetic to the poor man's plight. He fought hard and long for this to happen, and in one fell swoop Hiashi stopped it. Hinata didn't belong to anyone, Naruto reasoned, she should be able to choose where she wants to be. He wasn't going to make her choice.
Of course, if Hiashi wasn't there anymore, then who knows what would happen. Meticulous plots, plans, and other secretive actions took place. Each ninja involved had their purpose. Neji supplied the blue prints to the compound. TenTen provided the daily routines of all household members. Shikamaru devised the plan for everyone but Naruto. Sasuke, well apparently his job was to stand around and look like an asshole (wait, Naruto meant cool). The two other girls kept other Jounin from snooping around. Sakura figured that the reputation of town gossip, hellish bitch, and medic ninja would suffice. Ino did the same. Kohonamaru was given the most dangerous job of all. Seducing Hanabi. Every man there bowed his head in silence when the young man accepted. That proved the easiest, as she was already smitten with the boy. Then he would be the look out, ready to warn if potential dangers abound.
Naruto thought back to the last time he tried this. It was Neji's suggestion to re-create the Cloud's attempted abduction of Hinata. Being that a shadow clone couldn't be killed, and Naruto would instantly know how hard Hiashi hit, then he could attempt it en masse. The idea appealed to Naruto. Until Hiashi hit the clone. It fucking hurt. Like your balls were in a vice and then clipped off. He gave up for a month. But tonight would be different. Their tasks set, this was the night to strike. Their guard was down, and the message sent. Once Hanabi was accepted into the group, they turned on her. She knew she'd been had. So there she was, in hog tie, waiting for father to rescue her.
It is never said that Hiashi is stupid. In fact that description is not even associated with the man. He was pleased that his eldest had finally blossomed into a capable and deserving heir. She still hated violence, still stuttered, but on the whole she came into her own. He was not pleased that she chose the last bastion of idiocy as her consort. Seeing as that the Hyuuga blood was precious to him and his ancestors he would not allow her to gallivant with the brat. Naruto's foolish first attempt was not successful or humorous. So he receives the letter. Hanabi in exchange for Hinata. The nerve that Hiashi would bargain with such rabble was absurd. He had no intention of conceding to his demands. Instead, as Shikamaru said, he would hunt down the culprit. He knew the brat-wannabe was in his trees. He saw that Hanabi was sitting pretty in the center of the park. He just had to show them what he was capable of.
The bag man was quaking at the fingers. Hiashi sauntered toward the group, Neji knew he knew who all was there. "You didn't think I would meet your demands did you, Uzumaki?" Naruto stepped forward, his voice low. "Not really, but I've always done things the hard way." Hiashi nodded, ever so slightly. Hanabi's eyes were wide, a slight fear was showing. Hiashi knew it was now or never. Pupil's developed in his eyes and he was beside her. They picked a destination that was oddly placed. It was far from the compound to make a real difference if they were to try a 'rescue mission (as Naruto had called it last time he tried for Hinata).'
Neji looked as his watch, the signal wasn't there yet, he didn't know what was taking so long. They gazed from eye to eye. It was like a ticker tape parade, when the bits of rope were blown away. Hanabi betrayed them. Naruto exploded into Neji, a transformation. Hiashi's eyes were wide. "Sorry, father, it's for the best you understand?" Were the last words he heard. "Dammit, Lady Hanabi, it was a cover up. Long . . . " "Nara, I know well enough what the plan was. I'm just elongating the process."
They grimaced, but mouthed their silent good byes. When Hiashi came too, he understood he had been had. By his daughter and nephew, no less. And waiting on his doorstep was the proof of their betrayal. Signed, sealed, and now delivered. The announcement of one Uzumaki Naruto and his blushing (and at one point fainted) bride, Uzumaki Hinata. He shook his head. He had a lot of explaining to do.
Authors' notation:
Bah, I tried to make it similar to the song. I like parts of it, others I don't. I knew I had to get the references in, the few lyrics in, and that Hiashi had to be fooled. I just hope the pay off was ok. Anyway, onto the next song.