5/4/2011: Minor grammatical and formatting errors removed.
Finally, the long-awaited update! I'm not so happy with it - my hard disk got wiped and I had to re-write it – but I did my best, and I'd really appreciate reviews!
It was almost eleven, well beyond the curfew when the portrait hole opened up, and James chivalrously helped Lily in. From the Marauder's corner of the Common Room, Sirius gave them a jaunty wave, but it went entirely unnoticed as the two seemed to have eyes for only each other. Lily laughed at something James said, and was joined in by him. They walked towards the girl's dormitories together, and Lily walked up the stairs with a small wave at him.
He stared at the closed door of the dormitories for quite some time with a dreamy look in his eyes. Then, walking slowly towards the nearest armchair, he dropped into it with a sigh.
Sirius, Remus and Peter exchanged incredulous looks. Finally, Remus spoke. "Two galleons that he stays that way for the next hour." Sirius gave a wide grin. "You're on!" Peter piped up. "No physical contact!"
He walked over to where James sat, absorbed in his glassy-eyed contemplation of the Common Room ceiling. "Hey, Proooongs! How was the daaate?" he asked in a sing-song voice.
No reply.
"Prongs?"
"Mmm-hmmm..."
"Prongs, I'm gay."
"That's good."
"I've been doing it with Snape."
"Nice."
"Peter's pregnant." He earned an outraged look from Peter.
"Good going."
"So is Dumbledore."
"Yeah?"
"With McGonagall's child."
"Hmmm."
"There's a foursome going on upstairs, with Snape, Dumbledore, McGonagall and Lily."
This got him a bit more of a reaction. James sighed, a smile spreading over his lips, his eyes far away in Lily-land. "That... is amazing."
Sirius let out a frustrated growl. Before he knew it, James was flat on the floor with a huge black dog pinning him down. He blinked. "Padfoot...? What are you doing?"
He changed back, and stood up, dusting his hands. Turning towards Remus with a pleased expression on his face, he stuck out his hand. "Two galleons, Moony. Hand them over."
Remus calmly turned back to the homework in front of him. "No physical contact, Padfoot." "No way!" He turned towards Peter. "Really?" Peter nodded.
"Darn."
By this time, James was on his feet and absolutely clueless about what his friends were talking about. "What's going on?" "Nothing." they chorused.
"So how was the date?" Remus asked.
James frowned. "It wasn't really a date... but it was amazing anyway! She only called me a prat... uh, four times!" A blissful look came over his face. He continued with his rant. "Lily's so – hey, what's that for?" Sirius was hitting him in the head with a rapid succession of balls of parchment. "And is that from the bin? Urghh..Pads, stop!"
Sirius smirked. "Just making sure you're not slipping to Lily-land agai – whoa!" His eyes widened as he smoothened out the parchment in his hands and he scanned its contents. His lips split into an evil grin. "Prongs, you're going to love this."
"What?"
"What is it?"
He scrambled up onto a table and began reading with the general manner of a person announcing a proclamation from the king. "Hear one, hear all! 'What I Hate About James Potter' by, from the looks of it, our lovely Lily Evans!"
"What?" James jumped up beside him, almost snatching the sheet away from him. "Give it to me!" Sirius jumped nimbly off the table, and continued reading as he was chased around the room by James.
"I hate his stupid, cocky smirk – hang on, this part is torn – it makes me feel like stuffing chilli into his mouth or something – the really, really hot one – Bhut Jolokia, right? Ouch, you've got a hard girl to please, Prongs! Okay, next..." He ducked behind Remus.
"I hate the fact that he's bugging me so much – I hate that he's so good at Transfiguration, when I have to... because, of course, the great Mr. Potter has skipped all the previous classes."
James stopped, a hopeful look on his face. "She thinks I'm great?"
"Yes, of course, because I can just see the sarcasm dripping off the sentence." Remus dryly put in.
"Oh."
"I hate that he keeps using those stupid pick-up lines on me, some of which are so obviously Sirius'. Hey, I liked the booger one!" Sirius exclaimed.
Remus and Peter exchanged looks while James cringed. "Padfoot gave you a pick-up line on boogers and you used it?" Peter asked in disbelief. "Yeah... well... I – um, thought..." Remus said thoughtfully, "You know, I kind of see why Lily threatens to saw you into pieces and throw you to the Hippogriffs. I mean, I think even I would have if I had monthly hormone... things and you breathing down my neck."
Even before he finished his sentence, the rest of the occupants of the room shuddered. The very thought of a girl!Moony and James and ... stuff...
"Ahem." Sirius cleared his throat in an attempt to break the uncomfortable silence. "Moving on. I hate the fact that he's never going to give up on me, blah, blah, blah... Aha! 'Even though it's kind of cute at tim-' I BET she was going to write cute at times! And Prongs scores!"
"Really?" James tried to peer at the sheet again.
"Yeah, you still have hope, Prongs!" Peter said.
"I hate that he keeps calling me 'Lily-flower' all the freaking time – I hate his smell. It's this really musky, guy-ish, nic- I mean, nauseating smell. Yeah, James Potter has a revolting, sickening, ghastly and nauseating smell. Not that I've been sniffing him – the guy practically throws himself at me all the time." Sirius broke off. "Is it just me, or does our resident terror seem just a wee bit in denial?"
"She thought that Prongs smells nice." Remus wrinkled his nose. "And here I thought she was the only girl from third year onwards who had even a bit of sense."
Sirius pranced over to James, a smirk on his face. "Padfoot, I don't think I like that look... STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Sirius was sniffing at him from top to bottom, and he wasn't even in his Animagus form. Add that to the extremely suggestive looks he was giving him, and he had a very queasy, mentally-scarred James Potter standing before him.
James gave out a loud groan after Sirius strutted back to his table with a very pleased look on his face. "Thanks for forever ruining my innocence, Sirius Black."
"Any time, love." He blew James a kiss. "Now, continuing... I hate how he has waaay too much energy – I hate how he's so annoying and infuriating all the time – can't make out what's next – I see Marauders and stupid in the same sentence, so it can't be very flattering – hordes of screaming rabid fangirls, and how they always give me the evil eye when Jam- I mean Potter, refuses to go out with them..."
"First-name terms already?" Remus lifted an eyebrow.
"Merlin's pants, I hate how he manages to charm everyone with boobs (except Alice and me, of course), starting from Professor McGonagall to Moaning Myrtle!"
There was absolute silence in the room. Then, as if on cue, all four of them started laughing as one. "Oh, Merlin!" Remus exclaimed after a few minutes, wiping away a tear from his eye. Sirius was still doubled over, chortling. "Mc-McGonagall?..." he managed before collapsing again. James gave him a kick. "Shut up! McGonagall and me... I mean, nothing..." he trailed off, the idea apparently too horrific to think about.
By this time, Sirius had stuffed a couple of balls of parchment up his shirt, and was winking, blowing kisses and waving suggestively at James. "Jamie honeeey..." he drawled, pointing at his chest. "Over here!"
There was a whimper from the top of the stairs leading to the boy's dormitories. They all looked up to see a terrified fourth-year scampering away to the safety of his dorm.
"I think you just traumatized a highly impressionable young mind tonight, Sirius. Poor thing probably just wanted a midnight snack and he got Sirius coming onto James rather heavily instead." Remus said.
"Rubbish! Now, where were we?"
"Sirius?"
"Hmmm?"
"Have you noticed that one of your 'boobs' is sitting on your stomach?"
Sirius looked down, and coloured. "Ermm... minor technicalities." he said, discreetly trying to remove the ball. "So... err... next! I hate him for stealing my underwear in third year – I hate him for hanging out with Sirius Black and turning the rest of the population insane; the guy is a certified nut job – Hey! I resent that! And the crack about my posters!"
"Lily, I love you all the more now!" James declared fervently.
"Oh, and she says that she is not stalking you, emphasis on 'not'. DENIAL... I hate how he keeps playing those ridiculous pranks on everyone – I hate how he hexes Slytherins... they insulted his friends... or me... the way he defends me... it's almost sweet. Oh, Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed.
Looking at Remus, he said, "Do you think we're too old to be singing 'Prongs and Lily..."
Peter joined in. "...sitting on a tree..."
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"I hate how he steals the Snitch after every Quidditch practice – I hate how he keeps chucking balls of paper at me in class... And when I send him back a note... he smirks... which is just so attr- She was SO going to write attractive!"
"You know, this seems more like a list of why she likes Prongs, not why she hates him." Remus observed. James, who was now sitting with his head on his hands, perked up a litle at this. "You think so, Moony?"
"Yeah, girls just live in denial, you know." Peter put in.
Sirius smirked. "And that's why the last girl Wormtail tried to ask out hexed him onto the chandeliers in the Great Hall."
"She liked me! She just denied it because I asked her out in public and she was shy." Peter spoke up hotly.
"Because she was too embarrassed to be seen with you in public, right?"
"Yeah! I mean, no... I mean... you're mean, Padfoot!"
"Can we just finish the list please?" Remus said, getting impatient. "I have a Prefect's meeting with McGonagall tomorrow; I really don't want to fall asleep in the middle of it!"
"Okay, okay... right, next is I hate the fact that I'm only on number 19, and I can't think of anything else – I hate him for wearing shorts today... showing off his muscular, tanned legs is going to help him... more like pasty and scrawny – well, that's a start, Prongs, she's looking at your legs - I hate him for coming back this year with a gorgeous body... Not that I'm ogling him, or anything."
He let out a whistle. "Gorgeous body, huh?"
James put out his hands in defence. "Please, don't come near me again – it's not my fault!"
"Okay, I'll spare you this time. I hate his hair. It just sticks up in every direction... he does look rather adorable – when he's frustrated – hate his glasses... give completely innocent look to him... nice shade of hazel – hate his swagger... just radiates arrogance... it's a sight for sore eyes."
Before Sirius could comment, James was already begging, "Stop checking me out! I'm seriously thinking about changing dormitories... Moony, save me!"
Remus shook his head. "You're on your own here." James groaned.
"I hate his hands. They're... uh, the fingernails look manicured. Manicured! He's a guy who gets manicures done. I wonder what that says for his sexuality? (On a separate note, his hands actually feel very strong, and they're slightly callused, and they just feel... good, I guess.)"
Remus, Sirius and Peter wore identical smirks. James was back to his head-holding position. He moaned, "She thinks I'm gay! All because of my fingernails..."
Sirius pretended to look thoughtful. "Yeah, Prongs, mate... I think that's what been putting her off you for so long. Didn't you know that girls like blokes with dirty, chipped fingernails?"
James looked up. "You think so? Maybe I should dig my nails into some of Sprout's plants?"
Sirius said, "Absolutely!" at the same time as Remus said, "Don't listen to him, Prongs."
James looked confused. Sirius took the opportunity to continue. "I hate how he's literally marked me as his... no one has had the courage to ask me out since last year. I think he told Sirius to push me onto the – uh, never mind - hate how he knows what I like to do and offers to do it with me, so I don't want to do it anymore, and it all gets spoilt - I hate his... owl. He's trained it to be as annoying as he is. Every time he sends me a message via the owl, it keeps pecking me until I give it a piece of my pancake! And it won't accept bread, would you believe it?"
James looked aghast. "Mercury did that to my Lily-flower? No wonder she hates me! I have to go teach that owl some manners!" He sped off to their dormitory and returned a minute later clutching the Invisibility Cloak. "I'll see you later!"
He was gone in under a second.
The rest of the Marauders exchanged disbelieving looks. "Don't tell me he just ran off to teach his owl manners at one in the morning?"
Sirius mused, "Do you think he'll come away uninjured? Mercury is quite a vindictive owl... and at this time..." He shrugged. "Who cares, anyway?"
"Let's just finish the list." Peter suggested.
"I hate him for making me so confused about my feelings for him - I hate him for making me realize that I've spent an hour writing this absolute bullshit, which is complete lies and totally opposite to what I feel... and that maybe, just maybe, he isn't such a big prat as he once was. MERLIN'S BLESSED UNDERWEAR!" Sirius exclaimed. "I think... I might like James Potter."
The trio stared with absolute shock at the offending piece of parchment. Finally, Remus ventured a hesitant "Maybe it's a forgery?" which was immediately shot down by the remaining two.
"You know what?" Sirius said after a while. "Maybe we should just keep that last part away from Prongs."
"Yeah."
"Totally."
Lily really didn't understand why James was walking in to the Great Hall with his clothes all ripped the next morning. Neither did she understand why his fingernails were disgustingly dirty, even as seen from the distance. What she did understand, however, was that she needed to run before he came anywhere near her.
What a pity. I actually thought he was nice and normal last night.
My next project is a collection of alphabet drabbles (all Lily/James!), so watch out for it!
Until next time!
-killerpoison
Thanks to all the people who reviewed, alerted or favorited! I never expected such a brilliant response, so a big thank you to every one of you!
professor prongs, Enchantedd, Sacripme, Floop, GoodeSpyYoung96, Aly, arianna, lol978, J.A. Hastings, tolkienfan1, SandStorm12, KelliniPenguini, fire and scorpion, ssdgirl123, RodentFace, cheerstar, tooblondforu, Undescribable, sreduaram, cursivenight, faxlover0199, FallenStar22, eeher, jhdeje, Lily Grace Potter and swimmerreader.