Hey guys I just wanted to say I loved the feedback I got from the last Chapter and since I had this one lying around gathering dust I thought I might as well just post it now :) Again leave a review because this is my first story and could use the help/motivation to write better stuff in the future. But for now... Enjoy!
(OH, and again, I don't own iCarly... yet...)
Stepping outside I felt the cool air of Seattle calm my nerves, taking out a cigarette and my lighter I breathe in and let it control my lungs, filling me with a warmth that was beckoning, just like every other time the stress in my life becomes just too much. Smoking is the only way I know how to cope, because at the end of the day I don't give two craps about what anyone else things; sitting here right now, with a cigarette and the view of the city right there, like it's my own personal show… there are few things that take the edge of quite like this.
"Hey… I thought I'd find you up here."
Her voice is angelic, so much so I can't help but let a smile slip out when I hear her. I wrap my brain for a moment but realise there's nothing I can say to her right now, so I just take another drag and lean over slightly, making room in between my legs for her to take a seat. She does so, and I immediately stub out my cigarette since Carly detests the 'cancer sticks' as she calls them. Her body weight leans into me, making me instinctively wrap my arms around her, and she covers my hands with hers. It takes all my strength but I somehow resist the urge to lean down and gently kiss her cheek, or whisper how much I adored her into her ear. God, Carly Shay… you drive me insane.
We lie there like that for a few blissful minutes. Despite the rapidly dropping temperatures the position we found ourselves in was more than comfortable enough to keep us both cosy and warm, so much so I catch myself from drifting asleep a few times, but that could be the fact I haven't had much sleep recently finally coming back to bite me. I could have lied there forever, eventually though it's Carly who breaks the silence,
"Sam… none of us are thrilled about having to do that truth or dare thing, but the way you stormed out… there's got to be something else going on." When she speaks she budges backwards, letting herself get wrapped deeper in my embrace. I should have known she'd see right through my charade.
Taking a deep breath, I try to speak… but I can't… the words don't come out and instead tears stream from my eyes. Carly notices instantly and recoils, turning and sitting up, taking my hand in hers so she can sit on my thighs, staring straight into my eyes… it's all too much.
I have no idea what's wrong with me, lowering my head, I do my best to hide my shame but I fail miserably. I sit there and I sob, despite not wanting Carly to see past my hard-outer shell, it's useless… I can't keep anything from her. She wraps her arms around me and I mercifully dig my face into her shoulder to absorb my tears. I'm overflowing with emotion and I can't bring myself to stop, my muffled cries are all that can be heard as Carly holds me, patiently waiting for me to get myself together. For fucks sake, I love this girl so much.
I absolutely hate anyone seeing me in such a mess like I am now, especially her. Whether she knew how I felt or not I had no idea, but all I do know is that I'm so thankful to Carly for being here, I need to tell her the truth. Not about my true feelings for her… but what's going on in my life. After being here for me it's what she deserves. Bringing my head up, I take another deep breath while Carly, now looking more than just slightly worried sits quietly in anticipation for what I'm about to reveal,
"It… It's everything Carls, from the moment I wake up in the morning to when I go to sleep at night I can't have one moment by myself and feel normal. M…most days I wake up and my Mom isn't even home, and when she is there, usually some guy is with her trying to get his fucking hands all over me… and what does my mom do?" I sit up further, rage filling my body as I remember every time a random sleaze ball gropes or grabs me.
Carly can sense my filling rage, "Sam look… maybe we should talk about this late…"
But it's no use. I'm too far gone to be calmed down, and before I'm even aware what's happening I'm stood up, shouting at the top of my voice while Carly sits there, looking frightened but staying quiet,
"Fucking nothing! Every time they made a pass at me, or bust the door down while I'm taking a shower she sits there and smiles like it's all part of some stupid fucking game! If it wasn't for Cousin Chazz and Uncle Carmine looking after me when I was a kid there's not a doubt in my mind I would have been molested, used, and left for fucking dead while she would have just sat there with her fucking glass of wine and dumb ass smile on her face… What if they ask me about any of that? What if they ask me on the show, 'what I spent my childhood years doing?' and the real answer is hiding from the one person that should've been protecting me! Or better yet, what if they ask about my favourite family members, and the truth is that my favourite uncle and cousin where the ones that stopped me from being raped by beating the guys that tried anything to a bloody fucking pulp right in front of little 6-year-old me? HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE AND LIE ABOUT MY LIFE WHEN INSIDE THE TRUTH IS FUCKING KILLING ME!"
The tears are back, my outburst led me out of breath and with my hands trembling I don't know what else to do but take out another cigarette and turn away from Carly, she has seen me cry enough for one day and I don't think I could stand to see the look of disgust that must be on her face. Huh, I bet she can't believe it, Sam the big and brave is a lost little girl hiding behind a fucking bravado… she must thing I'm pathetic… like everyone else already does.
Trying to pull myself together, I take a drag and turn to face Carly. To be completely honest I'm surprised she was even still here after my outburst, and hadn't thought about what to say next. Her straight face was hard to read, and for a minute I think she is about to start crying too. It makes me want to go over and her but before I get the chance she finally breaks the silence,
"Sam… why have you never told me any of this before." She looks hurt, mostly though she just looks at me like I'm a victim, the one thing I never wanted anyone to think of me as. Taking another long drag, I look to the floor, her eyes making me feel weak,
"Because I was afraid you would look at me like you are right now… as a victim instead of just Sam."
I feel the waterworks begin again but instead of letting them out again I hold them back, throwing my cigarette over the side of the building and running inside, I hear Carly shout for me to stop but there is no way in hell I'm going to make myself seem more of an idiot. I need to keep what little respect she still has for me left and call her later or something… Fuck it, I'm just going to wing it. What I do know is, that right now, no matter where I go or what I do it will feel less uncomfortable than having Carly look at me like that for another minute.
When I reach the lobby, I hear Lewburts screams but ignore them and sprint out of the building, as fast as I can. I run past all the street vendors, all the tourists and all the people on their commute from work, blocks and blocks of people and I barge past everyone, all the way to my own apartment building. I run up the disgusting staircase and push my way into my apartment (which is only the size of Carlys first floor) and finally, into my room.
I crash backwords as soon as I shut my door, locking the bolts before curling into a ball at the foot of my bed. The scene from moments ago crashing into my mind while my deprived lungs gasp desperately for air. I remember the noise as Carly screamed after me, and the sound of hurt in her voice. Tears begin to fall down my already sodden cheeks. It's like I have no control over myself anymore, I need to get a grip!
Bellowing out an ear piercing scream I ball both my fists together and smack myself in the head, repetitively for losing the one normal thing in my life that I had. The one person I would put above myself without even a second thought. At this point I'm starting to think the teacher where the ones with the right opinion of me… I'm a fucking screw up, and only have myself to blame…
I glance to the clock and realise it's been over 30 minutes since I got home, ignoring both the physical and mental pain that has crept all over my body, I crawl into bed and hope that tomorrow... I'm less of a fucking idiot.
REVIEW CORNER!
InvaderJohnny: Yeah she could have been drinking Peppy cola right night now... damn the internet is harsh :') What did you think of this chapter? Tried to go abit serious...
MotherOfCreek: Thankyou so much! I read some of your stuff and to know you liked the first chapter helps me out a lot :)