Chapter title: "i carry your heart with me" - EE Cummings

"Cooper?"

A strange sound had drawn Danse's attention to the woman, sitting on the ledge of the bluff just beyond the tree line. He hadn't expected to see her out this early. At this time of day, it was usually just him pounding the dirt up to the summit.

"Danse!" Her back was to him but in the low light he could see her shoulders tense as she dragged the palms of her hands across her face. "Y-you startled me! I… uhm- I was just…"

Was she crying?

The leaves and twigs crunched under his shoes as he walked toward the edge of the bluff that ran along the the marching trail leading to the training grounds in the foothills. Cooper reached for the coat that had been haphazardly tossed to the side.

"Is something wrong?"

Stupid question, of course something was wrong. She had probably come out here to be alone and here he was encroaching on her personal space.

"I was just leaving." Cooper pushed her hands against the ground in an effort to stand. Her back still turned to him, she didn't dare look at him, lest she reveal her vulnerable state.

"Mind if I join you?" he stood just behind her and he considered that he should have kept going but now that he was here, he didn't want her leave.

She stopped her accent to her feet and tilted her head slightly, gauging him out of the corner of her eye, her back rigid and arms anchored to the gray rocks.

"Uhm," she sighed in resignation, "Yeah, I guess."

Slowly, cautiously Danse lowered himself to the ground next to her and draped his legs over the ledge. He studied her for a moment, eyes taking in every detail of her silhouette, before looking out over Fort Hagen and toward the Boston skyline. Her face was splotchy and her unkempt honey colored hair hung in her eyes. Tell tale signs that he should have kept running.

"What are you doing out here?" His tone was soft and gentle. He was genuinely concerned about her.

In the recent weeks she had become increasingly distant. Her typically vivacious disposition replaced by a hollowness he didn't recognize. Cooper had stopped attending their morning conditioning and even though she was still reporting in daily, she had made herself scarce around base. Danse suspected she was holed up in her room in the barracks or haunting her house in nearby Concord.

But why?

It didn't sit right with him. Whatever was bothering her, he wanted to know about it. He wanted to reach out and touch her, put his hand on her shoulder, let her know that he was here and willing to listen. But he held back, she would talk to him when she was ready.

Her nose wrinkled and she narrowed her eyes, as if contemplating a witty remark before she relaxed and gestured out toward the horizon, "The world may be going to shit but the sunrise is still breathtaking."

The aversion to answering his question did not go unnoticed by the Captain but he decided to leave it be and not prod.

The sun was beginning to penetrate through the clouds that hung low on the horizon, turning the muted blues and grays into a slurry of pink and orange. The crisp bite of twilight slowly dissipating as they were bathed in the warm light of morning.

They sat in silence as the sun slowly graced them with the promise of a new day. But that was ok. Silence was like an old friend to Danse. He held it in high regard, feeling that it allowed for examination of the deepest parts of oneself and communicated the uninhibited expression of the soul without the need for sound.

"I couldn't sleep." Cooper's voice finally broke through, "I just couldn't stop thinking about…" she looked at him as she trailed off, searching his brown eyes for answers he didn't have. Whatever she wanted, whatever she needed, whatever she was looking for, he wanted to give it to her but he didn't know what exactly she was hoping to find.

It seemed like a lifetime passed between them, one filled with hardship and heartache. A mutual understanding that the world had become cruel and unforgiving.

The moment ended and she turned her attention back to the kaleidoscope in the sky and muttered, "I came out here, trying to clear my head."

Cooper looked down at her hands and balled up her jacket. Squeezing and releasing. Danse remained quiet, knowing that silence was the best remedy to elicit the truth.

"How do you deal with it," she didn't look up, just continued to stare at her hands.

Danse was confused by her words. His brows came together as the cogs turned in his head, trying to decipher what he was missing here.

"What do you mean? Deal with what?"

Cooper's hand moved and she rubbed at the scar and black letters etched into her skin on her right arm.

'i carry your heart with me i carry it in my heart' His eyes trailed over the words.

"How do I move on?" Her voice barely audible, a whisper that hung like dead weight in the air.

Oh…

The gears clicked and he understood.

This wasn't first time he had found himself sitting a little too close, sharing stories of a personal nature.

Danse had told Cooper what had happened to his childhood friend a few days ago. Killed in Iraq 13 years ago because he made the wrong call. The only person he had ever truly cared about. The loss weighed heavy on him. The wound seemed insurmountable. It left a hole in his heart that seemed to never fully heal. There were still times that it pulled and tore at him, aching for the young life, gone too soon.

Not long ago, Cooper had sought him out, seeking counsel and needing his friendship above all else. She had revealed that, even though some time had passed since their deaths, she still struggled with the loss of her husband and son. Danse thought that if he confessed his own struggles, it would help. Help her to know he understood, that she wasn't alone. Help to ease the pain.

Apparently it hadn't had the intended effect.

A shaking breath escaped Cooper's lips and Danse looked over just in time to see her wiping away the tears that streaked down her cheeks and trying to hide her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry." she breathed through her fingers.

Without thinking Danse tugged her hands away and brushed away the tears that still spilled from her eyes.

"You don't have to hide from me." The words were out before his brain could tell him to stop.

The overwhelming desire to comfort her and the treacherous twisting in his stomach at the feeling of her skin beneath the pads of thumbs was entirely too intimate. It reminded him that he had become exceedingly close with her. He enjoyed her presence and missed her when she wasn't around. It made him heartsick seeing her like this. Danse worried about her, cared for her, and it scared the hell out of him.

He knew it was unprofessional, but did he care…?

No. Not one goddamn bit.

Cooper drew up her knees and shifted so she was facing him. And there was that expectant look again. She searched his eyes, his face, him, for answers.

He felt the guilt churn in his gut. The last thing he had wanted was to cause her more undue stress.

With a sigh, he swallowed and decided he would take a stab at this. How had he dealt with the loss of his friend? The closest person to family he had ever had? Not well.

But this was Cooper and he would attempt to amend this.

"I don't know that you ever really move on. But everyday you wake up and you make a conscious choice to keep breathing… to keep living." Danse hesitated, this wasn't one of his strong suits and healthy coping mechanisms weren't exactly something the Captain was known for, but he continued nonetheless.

"Eventually the grief subsides and you learn how keep going without them. Little by little, you find yourself putting the pieces back together." He paused and absently stroked the stubble at his chin as he weighed the gravity of the situation in his response.

Danse brushed away the unruly hair that stuck to her face and trailed his fingers down the the curve of her neck. His hand came to rest on her shoulder as he drew her in, she was so close. He could feel her warmth and her breath against his face.

"You don't have stop loving the ones you lost to continue loving yourself," he whispered.

Cooper breathed out a strangled sort of sob but Danse didn't dare look away. He was met the a despondent look. Her eyes glistened as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. The mossy green flecks in the earthy hazel gleamed as the sun caught her eye. He could feel the grief radiating from her and he was desperate to steal it all away. Shield her from the pain and the cavern of emptiness that loss carved into its victims.

Words. Emotions. Danse had never been very good at any of it and he felt inadequate, unqualified to deal with this, but he would sure as hell try.

Cooper sighed and shifted closer, filling the space between them. She leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder.

He wasn't sure what to say and he was filled with nervousness that crept and pricked across his skin, but despite his doubt he put his arm around her and pulled her closer. Her body trembled slightly against him and his chest ached for her. He knew what this was like and he wished more than anything that she didn't have to feel it too.

"Danse-"

"It's alright Allison," he whispered into her her hair as he slid his other arm around her and pulled her into a full embrace, "I'm here."

An explanation was not owed to him.

Cooper leaned into him as she let herself go, burying her face into his chest and slipping her arms around his waist. He held her close, softly stroking her back and running his fingers through her hair, and for once, he didn't fight the feeling intimacy that consumed him.

Danse closed his eyes as his head came to rest against hers and he desperately hoped that she didn't feel the pounding of his heart against his ribs.

Maybe he was wrong and maybe it wasn't appropriate or even proper, but God it felt right to have her in his arms.