CHAPTER 2

The first few members of staff started to pad their ways through the corridor, ready for a new day. Ben and I were in my office just finishing off the few notes we had to make, in order to make an easier job for today's Doctors and Nurses.

There was a tap at the door. Before I even lifted my head to see who was knocking, I knew it had to be Nurse Pool, as Ben jumped up in a fluster.

"Good morning happy birthday for yesterday did you get my card?"

"Erm yes thankyou for that it was very kind."

"I didnt know it was your birthday why didnt you say any thing?" Ben said sounding bad that he didnt get me anything.

"Yeah I dont actuly celebrate my birthday." Maybe my tone was abit harsh as Ben looked shocked by my reaction.

"Ohh Iam sorry Dr O'Neil I havent offended you have I?"

"No you wernt to know. Can I just ask how did you find out it was my birthday?"

" Dr Alex asked if any one had got you a card so i felt a little bad because I didnt think any one had got you anything I truley am sorry."

"Dont worry I am not offended." I gave her a warm smile to make sure she knew i wasnt mad I was just mad with Dr Alex why was she so intreasted in my personal life."

" Well I've brought you a coffee Dr O'Neil... I am so sorry Dr Jackson I didn't

realize you were on shift I havent got you a drink."

"That's okay. I think I can survive just one morning with out coffee."

"I don't know about that Dr Jackson. I've seen you without your caffeine before. I will go and get you one."

"No there's no need honestly, I will survive."

"Well, only if you're sure. The next time you're on shift then? And if I'm feeling generous there may be a donut in it for you"

"Ha-ha lets hope you're in a good mood then my next shift! I love donuts."

"I know you do Dr Jackson." she blushed and fumbled her way out of the room. Smiling as she closed the door behind her.

Then she was gone. I looked at Ben's face and couldn't help but laughing. Loudly, snapping him out of his daydream, his face was a picture of excitement and disbelief. Maybe she did like him after all.

"Did you see that?" Ben whispered as he drifted down from cloud nine.

"Yes I did."

"Oh good. So I wasn't dreaming then?"

"No. You're very much awake, but maybe you do need to have a coffee after all."

"Ha-ha very funny Dr O'Neil" "So it was your birthday hay?"

"Well I think we are done! Time to go home" I cut Ben off before this conversation was started Ben paused for a minute and then smiled

"Yes it's been a long and boring night, and I am ready for my bed."

The door flung open, and there stood Dr Alex. She sighed as she held her hand out impatiently. I stood from my desk and handed her the notes. With another prolonged sigh she stormed from the office, not even closing the door behind her.

"Good to see Dr Alex is in such a good mood today"

"Yes" I agreed. Dr Alex wasn't my problem anymore. but I would like to talk to her about her snoping "Do you want a lift home?" Ben doesn't have a car, and through the course of the evening I had grown to like him more and more as a friend.

"Well. That would be great. Thank you Fraiser. I will just nip and say good bye to Nurse Pool and I will be with you in a minute"

"Ahh, young love" I chuckled to myself.

I was waiting by the front entrance, when Ben flew out of the front doors and carried on walking down the sidewalk, evidently not seeing me.

"Hey!" I called as I ran to catch up with him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I'm fine I just need to go home and get out of this place."

"Do you still want a lift?" His sudden change of mood alarmed me and I didn't want to leave him alone.

"Oh yeah... um... if it's still okay"

"Sure my car is over here."

As we walked towards my car Ben stopped.

"Is this your car?"

"Sure is"

"Wow"

I drive an Audi A4 convertible, bright red. I love this car.

"Jump in" I said to Ben.

He gave me directions to his house, only to discover he lived less than five minutes away from me.

My phone vibrated in my pocket as we were driving along Ben's street. A quick glance showed me that I had six text messages from my foster brother Josh.

I shoved the hands free wire into my phone, no doubt Josh would call any second. He knows my work number so nothing serious could have happened, or he would have tried to call me at the hospital. Right on cue the phone rang.

"Excuse me I just need to take this call. Hello Josh."

"Well it's about time! I've been trying you all night"

"You have my work number why didn't you call me there?"

"It wasn't that important I was just a bit worried about you. Why have you been ignoring James calls? I also had a feeling

something was wrong? I know yesterday must have been hard but something else feels wrong with you"

"Well, I will be back in 10 minutes we will talk then. Okay?"

"Can't we talk now?"

"No. I am just taking a friend home I won't be long."

"I am on speaker phone aren't I?"

"Yes Josh. You are."

"Oh sorry! See you in five then"

"Josh do one thing for me?"

"What do you want?"

"Chill out"

"Ha-ha very funny. Bye!"

"Sorry about that. My brother can overreact some times" I was worried that Ben was going to think my little brother was a complete lunatic, with his talk of having bad feelings.

Josh has a gift. He can always tell how someone is feeling. But it was more than knowing their feelings, but he feels them too. Almost as though he is sharing in someone else's emotion. In most cases he has to know a person well, before he gets a good grasp on their emotions, even from a distance. However when a person he knows or doesn't know is feeling very strongly about something it can have an effect on him.

I, for example did not know Josh when he came to my rescue. I was dying; my real parents had tossed me onto the street thinking that I was dead after the blood sacrifice they tried to make of me. It was Josh who had felt my pain, the humiliation, regret, worthlessness I had felt, and mainly the feeling of being unloved, and had convinced his parents to come looking for me. That's when they saved my life, and became my parents. Nursing me back to health in their home, with their care, food, attention, and time.

I really didn't want to explain this to Ben, so I asked him what had happened back at the hospital. Guilt washed over me when I could sense that he really wasn't comfortable with telling me anything, yet for my sake, he was going to any way.

"I went to say good bye to Jenny. But she'd rolled up her sleeves and I saw what that creep of a boyfriend has done to her"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... I am almost certain now. He beats her."

"Are you really sure Ben?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I've seen it all before" he was looking down at his hands and fiddling with his buttons.

"What, you've seen it at work?" I asked

"No. Not there."

"Well where then?" Ben carried on still playing with his buttons "Sorry... is it personal?"

"It's okay Fraiser, I trust you." He took a deep breath and again I kicked myself for not telling him about Josh properly "My father used to beat my mother when I was a boy, when he'd finished on her, he would take it out on me. So I know how to read the signs. It's mostly the lies she tells! The same ones I've heard my mother make a thousand times over 'I fell down the stairs! I'm so clumsy' ...'I opened the door into myself! Again! ... I know ... I really should learn!' ..." Ben was shaking now, with anger or the pain of his memories I don't know which.

"I am so sorry to hear that Ben. I really am."

"It's okay. It was a long time ago now. I just don't know if I can watch it happen to Jenny, I really care about her. Do you think I should tell her about my past? It might help her to understand that she's not alone."

"I think that's a really good idea. It's really considerate of you. You must really like her, huh?"

"Um.. if you just pull over here, this is my house. Thanks for the advice Fraiser, I'll see you later" I smiled at his skillful dodge of my question. He as he turned to grab the door handle he turned to me again "Thanks Fraiser, I appreciate having someone to talk to, and thanks for the lift. Would you do me a favor and not tell anyone about this please?"

"Of course, we all have a past Ben."

He smiled at me as he got out of the car, thanking me again for the lift, I knew he was wondering what my past was, and whether he would ever get to hear it. I started up the car again completely stunned that Ben had opened up to me like that, and a little ashamed that I had never given him the time of day before.

When I arrived home Josh was impatiently waiting for me by the front door.

"What's up then Josh?"

"I had a bad feeling 'bout you. You okay?"

"I'm fine Josh."

"That's crap! I can still feel it!"

"Shall we go inside?"

I walked into the house, hung my coat up and went to sit in the living room, all the time feeling Josh behind me.

"Josh! I'm fine. Will you give me some space? Please."

"You are not fine. Don't pretend you are Frais and do not fob me off with it was a bad day yesterday because that is crap i know you where feeling down but there is more to it?"

Standing up, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass of milk and sat at the kitchen table. I was overcome with a huge yawn, hopefully Josh would get the message and leave me be.

"Well? Anything unusual happen at work?" Persistent as ever, Josh just wouldn't let the subject drop.

"Nope very quiet." I could see the clogs turning in his head, as per usual he was trying to think of a way to trap me into confessing.

"Mmm. Okay then old man."

Sipping at the freshly poured milk I could almost feel Josh's eyes prodding at me. After a while I gave up on the milk and started to unravel the itching bandages. I don't need to wear them at home, at home I can be myself. No one will judge, or scream or think I'm the kind of guy to try and take my own life.

"HA! I knew it." I nearly flew out of my seat Josh had shouted that loudly.

"Look at the state of your arms! Must be hurting hey?...Why won't you tell me?.. What's happened?"

"Nothing has happened!" I snapped back. He looked sincerely hurt, and worried. After all this is hard for Josh too, to be feeling my pain and not know why. "Oh I'm Sorry Josh, I didn't mean to shout like that. I'm just tired, it's been a long night. you know I find it hard on that day so its just that I suppose I'll take myself to bed."

" thats crap Frais and you know it. we're going to be talking about this later"

"Yes. If it will make you feel better we will talk later. And I will tell you every exciting detail of the thrilling night shift but iam sure its just because off my stupid birthday"

" It isnt that but I'll hold you to that mate, nighty night."

"Ha-ha , morning" I love Josh's dry sense of humor.

I walked up to my bedroom, flung myself on the bed and was out like a

light.

I was lying in a hospital bed surrounded by my colleges. I tried to sit up but I was strapped down. Then I started to thrash around trying to break free, Nurse Pool called over Dr Ben Jackson, who then injected me with something. I was trying to talk to them when my whole body including my mouth seemed to fall asleep. Ben shouted "Why did you do it Fraiser?" What have I done? When I woke up in a cold sweat I could still hear Ben's voice in my head, and I could feel the confusion that his words had made me feel. But I made my way downstairs thinking about how Josh would over react to the fear he must have felt emanating from me as I was dreaming.

Downstairs I found that Josh had actually gone to college. I sat down and suddenly remembered a part of my dream, the reason why I was in hospital. Ben had told Dr Alex about my arms, she then had assumed that I have a mental issue, and had tried to hurt myself with these strange markings. My greatest fear had come to me in a dream. Presenting the option that maybe I should have been more careful, and not let Ben catch me with my bandages off.

Dr Alex would love that, she really would. I would mean that she would finally get the job she deserved. Thinking about the dream I kept seeing her smug little face looking down at me.

The shrill ringing of the phone brought me out of my daydream.

"Hello"

"Hello. Is that Dr O'Neil?"

"It is"

"Ah good! " It was Dr Jones, his well spoken voice wasn't hard to forget.

"What can I help you with Dr Jones. Is there a problem?"

"No old chap. No problem at all. How are you feeling Dr O'Neil?" The feeling of claustrophobia that I had felt in my dream crept up on me again.

"Oh. I am fine Thank you. And yourself?"

"Just fine chap. Look here, the reason I am calling is to let you know that you've been given a week's holiday, we've covered all your shifts old chap so don't worry about a thing. You see a few of the Doctors on your ward have been thinking you've looked rather over worked recently, and the Rota seems to agree with them. You've been working all hours Dr. Very commendable. Not easy to find a hard worker like yourself these days."

"Oh! Well there's no need really. I'm fine. Just been working my usual shifts"

"The decision has been made by the board. No problems at all, they think you deserve it chap, so enjoy it!"

"I don't know what to say."

"We don't want you burning out Dr O'Neil! You are an excellent Doctor, don't make them like you anymore! And we certainly wouldn't want to loose you to fatigue. Take the time off to catch up on some sleep. You work very hard Doctor, and the board recognizes that. This is our way of saying Thank you chappy, and Bravo"

"Well thank you I just do what I am paid to do Dr Jones."

"Don't be modest! You go the extra mile to make sure every patient is as comfortable and happy as possible. We could do with a few more like you. There are some on your very ward who only seem to be in the job for the pay slip"

"I know exactly what you mean Dr Jones"

"Righto chap, I'll be off. I about to set off to the golf course, I have a game arranged with Charles Alex |||.

"Okay, thank you for the call. Goodbye"

He had been talking about Dr Alex, when he said "some on your very ward who only seem to be in the job for the pay slip" The only reason she still had a job was because she was married the Charles Alex |||, the richest member of the hospital board. No one dared upset him by giving his wife the boot, because we all knew what happened to someone who went against his word. You'd never be a Doctor again, he knew people in very high places, all over the country. It only takes a few words here and there to get a potential employer to throw your application in the bin.

Overwhelmed, I slammed the phone into the receiver. Why on earth do I need time off? I was sure that this must have been the handiwork of Dr Alex. What with her questions as to my health, and the comment I still cannot understand "It's not you I'm worried about". She must have spoken to someone about my health. How I would love to put that woman in a room with Josh, and see what she is really feeling.

Poor Josh. As if I would subject him to that. I think it would probably be a fate worse than death. Besides I have a feeling that Dr Alex would be very guarded with her emotions.

I heard Josh come through the front door and drop his bags, it must be about half four. Josh walked into the front room and just stood there, staring at me. I can't decide whether it was anger, or worry that's making him so hostile.

"Josh chill out. I'm fine there is nothing wrong."

"I don't believe you."

He walked upstairs in a huff, leaving me feeling sorry for myself. Josh has it hard, he has to share in my emotion, and he has no idea why he's feeling it. But it's hard on me too, it's hard on all of his friends. Well the ones that know, Me, Annabel, and James. We constantly have to try and guard our feelings from him, and when we can't we have to explain. James was lucky Josh couldnt pick up on James emmotion.

I called upstairs

"Are you hungry?" No reply. "Josh?" and again silence, is he ignoring me?

"Josh are you in here?" No answer.

I opened the door anyway, I don't care if he doesn't want to talk to me, I care too much about him being alone and upset.

Josh just sat at his desk, holding a photo frame.

"Josh. Are you ignoring me?"

He didn't move he just kept looking at the same picture that I had in my desk at work. He was crying.

"Oh Josh come here." I pulled him into a hug. I mistakenly thought that he was over his grief. Well as much as anyone can be. "Josh it's ok."

He dried his eyes and looked up at me. "Do you miss them?"

"Every day Josh." I looked across the room, and tried to compose my face. I didn't want to break down in front of Josh. He laughed, looking up at me through his eyelashes wet with tears. "What's funny?"

"I've never felt that from you before."

"Felt what?"

"Normally, when I talk about them, I can feel anger. I thought you didn't…care about them" he gulped down another set of tears.

"Of course I miss them Josh. It's only natural, I can't believe you'd ever think I didn't"

"Well, I never felt nothin' except anger. I was too scared to ask"

"Scared?"

"Yea, that I might be right"

"Go on"

"I thought that you didn't want me after all"

"Josh! How could you think that?"

"Well it was just when I was in hospital. You wouldn't come see me, and I felt that anger. I thought you were mad that mum and dad had left you with me"

"Josh. You should have said something"

"I know that now." He said laughing. We were quiet for a minute I looked out of the window.

"Frais?"

"Yea?"

"Why didn't you come in to see me?"

"I don't know Josh. I just couldn't do it. I tried I really did I drove down but I

just couldn't walk through the door."

"Ouch"

"What"

"Your feeling angry again."

"Oh sorry." The burning was back in my arms again "I'll explain, I'm angry with me, not you, me for being weak. You needed me and I couldn't be there for you."

"I had James"

"Yes you did. But it should have been me"

"Well, it grosses me out to say it old man, but your lucky you've got James, how he feels about you, what would you do without him"

"I thought you couldn't read James?"

"Not often, but a couple of times he's let his guard down. Don't let him know though, It'd spoil my fun"

"Ha-ha really ?"

"Yep"

We talked for a bit about James, and about Josh when he was in the hospital, and most importantly what I was making for tea.

"Frais?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you"

"Your welcome bro."

In the kitchen I prepared some food, took a plate for Josh upstairs and left him to have a bit of private time. With all the time I'd spent at work recently, I thought Annabel had been a bit neglected. I picked up the phone to give her a call, but as per usual it ran straight through to voice mail. Typical.

"Hey it's Fraiser just calling for a catch up. I've got the week off work, and I don't want to get lonely. I know shocking isn't it? Me, off work. But I'll fill you in with the gossip later, love you, Bye"

"Since when do you take time off work?" I nearly jumped out of my skin not realizing that Josh was directly behind me.

"You made me jump! I thought you were in your room?"
"Yeah I got a bit lonely up there. Anyway, don't change the subject! I know your game, why do you have the week off?"

"Well Dr Jones thinks I am working too hard and need a break. So he has ordered me to have a week off, and relax"

"You're kiddin' I thought you just sat on ya bum in an office all day, that's why it's getting so big!" Well at least his bad mood had passed, at my expense. I chuckled at his jest "Nah, I'm playin', but seriously I agree, you spend more time at the hospital than home. Is Annabel coming over?"

Josh liked Annabel, they have always gotten on really well. They wind each other up a lot, like brother and sister. But I knew Josh also had a bit of a soft spot for Annabel.

"I don't know I called but no answer."

"Typical."

"Ha-ha that's what I thought"

She always misses her calls, usually she called back within ten minutes. Especially if she thinks there's some gossip in it for her. So no return call meant she was busy. Josh and I sat together and watched a bit of television, until there was nothing left worth watching, I saw Josh turn to face me and knew that a series of questions were heading my way. No doubt he wanted to know about last night, and whatever he'd been feeling.

"So… it's later. You promised?"

"Yes I did didn't I. My arms started to burn at the beginning of my shift. Bad day as you know You think that was it?"

"It's not that, I know how that feels. Doesn't really bother me anymore to be honest. I got used to it"

"Umm. I had a bad dream?" I told Josh what happened in my dream. And I wasn't allowed to miss out any tiny details. When Josh feels something he won't be able to stop feeling it until he has the source well and truly detected. It's impossible to keep anything from him, because he always knows that your hiding something. And when he doesn't notice something is amiss straightaway, your betrayed by your emotions. A tiny little inkling of pleasure at your success in deceiving the "All-knowing Josh" and he comes down on you like a rain of bullets.

"Well that's all I can think of Josh."

"This is so frustrating. I don't know what it is. I can still feel it now, and you've told me everything. Haven't you?" I could almost feel him probing my senses to check that I was harboring any glee or satisfaction with having kept a secret.

"That's all kid, sorry. I'll be sure to alert you immediately if anything comes to mind"

"Deal." He laughed at my formal address. I'm sure he does sometimes think of himself as some kind of army general, someone with authority over others.

After a while Josh went to his room. He must have fallen asleep at about seven. The poor kid had had a trying day.

When my mobile rang I hoped it would be Annabel, calling to see if she could come round for a bit of wine and a film. But the screen showed Ben Jackson. I wondered what could have prompted his call?

"Hello Ben. How are you?"

"Hi. Yeah I'm fine. But what's up with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to intrude but why have you had to take time off work?"

"How did you know about that?"

"Well I went into work to talk to Jenny I just couldn't stop thinking about her situation. I needed to talk to her. When I bumped into Dr Alex who gladly informed me that you'd had to take a week off due to important personal issues. I wondered that something bad might have happened to Josh, and thought you might need a friend?"

"She said what?"

"So it's not true then?"

"No it's true, well I have been given a week off. But it was a choice made by the board, not a personal decision. And there are certainly no personal reasons for me to stay home. How dare she? I might just go down to the hospital and talk to her about this tomorrow."

"Well I don't think that's a good idea. You don't want to upset her, you know what could happen"

"Bollocks. I don't care. How dare she say that."

"Look I am sorry I didn't mean to upset you."

"Oh you haven't Ben. That women just annoys the hell out of me."

"Yea I know but it's not exactly worth losing your job over is it?"

"Ha-ha they wouldn't dare get rid of me for upsetting a pig headed Doctor. Half the staff can't stand her anyway, they don't even talk to her"

"Yes but money talks."

"I guess your right."

"Anyway what are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"Do you fancy a late birthday drink I know you said you dont celebrate it but it would be rude not to do something?"

"Ha ha well I would love to go out and not celebrate my birthday. But I don't want to leave my brother alone tonight. He's been really upset this evening. You know tough year and all that"

"I am sorry to hear that. Is he ok now?"

"Yeah I think so. I just want to keep an eye on him I thought he was over the worst part of the grief, he'd stopped talking about them, but it seems he just didn't want me to find him too trying"

"It's something you'll never get completely over. There are always things that will remind you both I am sure. So another night then?"

"Well why don't you come over here I've got some cold beers seems a shame for them to be sat in the fridge all night"

"If that's cool with you it's cool with me?"

"Yeah sure. Do you want me to come by and pick you up?"

"Nah its ok I'll get a taxi over. I'll pop to the shop and get a few more beers in shall I?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"Ok see you in about fifteen then."

"Yeah, see you in a bit."

It would have been nice if Annabel had called back. I think she would love Ben. He's the kind of guy that gets along with anybody, and he's so easy to talk to. But never mind, there were other times, I think that Ben and I could be good friends in time.

I heard a cab pull up, and Ben knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"Thanks. This is a lovely house you have."

"Hey, thanks. I'll put these beers in the fridge for later. You didn't need to

bring anything. We always have plenty in. Anyone would think we were

alcoholic's the way James and Josh drink." i showed Ben through to the kitchen

Josh came thundering down the stairs shouting, and scaring the hell out of Ben.

"Frais? Fraiser! I've worked it out. Where are you?"

"Excuse me Ben I will be back in a minute." I walked through to the front room.

"What's up?" I whispered.

"What are you whispering for Fraiser?" He peeked over my shoulder and saw Ben sitting alone in the kitchen. "Oh sorry! I didn't realize you had a guest"

"It's ok what have you worked out?"

"I know what's wrong with you."

"Okay… go on?"

"Well it's a bit of everything James not being here your dream, work, everything it just seemed worse then it was that was all."

"Well I am glad you worked it out Josh. Now you can stop bugging me."

"Ha-ha very funny. So who's your mate?"

"It's Ben from work. He's popped over for a few beers."

"Nice one I need a new drinking buddy now that James is away." Josh looked at his feet and blushed "Sorry."

"What?"

"You miss him. I won't mention his name to you again."

"Thanks."

"I can see why your stupid rule works now."

"It's not stupid Josh."

"Whatever."

Me and James had a rule that when either of us were away it would be easier if we didn't call each other. Maybe it was a stupid rule, but it worked. I

wouldn't sit by the phone waiting for him to call and the same for him. We would just get on with being apart.

"Well come on then are you going to introduce me to my new drinking buddy or what?"

"Okay, okay keep your hair on." We walked into the kitchen where Ben was waiting. "Ben this is Josh my little brother."

"Nice to meet you Ben; Fraiser tells me you bought some beer's round?"

"Ha-ha nice to meet you Josh. You were right he is an alcoholic."

"What have you been telling him Fraiser?" Josh's faked irritation seemed to un-nerve Ben for a second. I started to feel sorry for him.

"Nothing that's not true."

"Oh well if we are playing the truth game…"

"Josh " I said in a sharp voice "careful."

"Ha-ha I know I am only kidding." I guess this was hard for Ben, me and Josh are so in tune, one of us only speaks half a sentence and the other answers an un-asked question.

"Come into the living room Ben. Make yourself at home."

"Um can I use your bathroom?"

"Yeah sure it's in the entrance hall on your right."

"Thanks." He smiled and walked towards the door. I swiveled to face Josh.

"Josh watch yourself he knows nothing. Okay?"

"Chill! My lip's are sealed. He is quite open though I think he would be okay with everything. It might shock him at first, but he would understand."

"Maybe but it's not the right time ok."

I was sure that Josh was right, but he said the same about Annabel when we came to tell her. And she freaked out for a good half an hour before we could get her to sit down on the sofa. Sure, she's fine with it now, but am I ready to tell Ben? A guy I hardly know.

Josh looked at me, and started to laugh, obviously he too was remembering Annabel's tantrum. Ben walked in trying to work out the unspoken joke.

"Sit down Ben." Josh said. "Your making me feel uncomfortable."

"Josh" My stern eye wiped the smile from his face.

"What I didn't say anything. Have a beer Fraiser."

Ben is a clever man, and it didn't take him long to guess that there was something we weren't telling him. He looked from Josh to Me and back. Looking like he was giving us a psycho-analysis.

"I hope my brother hasnt been to harsh on you last night he gets a bit touchy on his birthday."

"Kid Watch yourself." I shouted he was being very annoying tonight.

"No He was ok so why dont you like your birthday Its the best time you get gifts and people have to be nice to you for the day."

"Ha Is that right." I let out a dark laugh that spooked Josh he could feel my annoyance not bens fault though Josh now knew it was a bad idea to bring that up in conversation.

"So Why dont you like it is because your getting old because you dont look that old?"

"No Its not that." I said hesident to answer any more questions.

"So I hear Frais gave you a lift home in his beloved car." Josh said to change the subject.

Ben defently knew it was time to stop asking questions about my birthday.

Ben eased a little now.

"Yeah that's right. It's a lovely car. I would love one but maybe in a different color."

"Hey red is a good color." I only pretended to be offended and happy he had stoped asking the other questions.

"If you say so. I would have it in black like your car out front Josh"

"Oh that's not my car." Josh put his head down.

"Josh doesn't drive." I said maybe a bit harshly, but I'm a big brother, of sorts, and over protective is what we do.

"Sorry I just assumed."

Josh looked up at me now. "It's ok." He was talking to Ben but didn't lower his gaze from my eyes. He could feel the guilt in me.

"Any one hungry? I am going to order takeaway."

"Yeah good idea Frais I am hungry again. I laughed, Josh like James, was ALWAYS hungry.

"What about you Ben?"

"Yeah sound's good."

"What do you fancy?"

"Pizza" Ben and Josh said at the same time. They looked at each other and laughed.

"I will go order a couple. Meat feast all round?"

"Sound's good " They both said again.

I got up and as I walked to the phone. I could hear Josh apologizing to Ben for my harsh tone a few moments ago.

"Yeah sorry about Frais he hates his birthday some stuff happened on that day which he wont deal with so he doesnt like talking about it he would rather pretend that that day never happend."

"I understand."

"He also gets a bit defensive when people think it's my car."

"No need to explain Josh."

"No it was rude of him you weren't to know." Josh paused for a minute. "I was in the car that crashed and killed my parents. I haven't been able to drive since the accident. Even getting in a car is hard for me. I can just about face being a passenger. But to be able to drive again well I just can't face that"

"I am sorry to hear. It must have been very tough for you both when you lost them.

You shouldn't apologize Fraiser is just looking out for you."

"They say it get's easyer in time I dont know if it does." I hear Josh say as i wonder back in the conversation.

"Yes time is a great healer suposivley." Ben says looking into the distance thinking off something else I ashume.

"I guess there is some truth in it.

I can smile and it doesnt hurt as much." Josh looks up to me now.

I see the pain and the guilt in his eyes. I feel a tear run down my face

The guilt that shouldnt be there it wasnt his fault even though he wouldnt listen to any one who tried to tell him diffrent

"Frais your right Ben is easy to talk to. He's very open."

I wiped the tears before Ben noticed.

"Annabel" I reminded him.

"Ok sure thing I wont say another word on the matter."

Ben looked confused again I didn't blame him Josh can be really stupid sometimes. I know he was only looking out for me but I wasn't ready to spill the beans even if Ben was ready to hear it. The night went past very quickly. Josh was happy he had a drinking buddy again. I never even tried to keep up with them. It looked like they were trying to out drink each other, funny to watch because Josh was still a young lad. And the drunker he got the more he drank, and the more he denied that he was even tipsy. Ben was the first one to pass out. Then Josh moments after.

Thinking ahead, I've decided that in the morning I will make a fry up. Perfect hangover food, and lots of pots to bang around. Well it has to be done. Maybe they will think before they drink next time. I got my mobile out and took a picture of them both sprawled out on the table with empty bottles all over the place. I sent it to Annabel. She will like that she can use it to wind up Josh

The next time she comes over. I was going to try and call her but it was three in the morning and don't think she would be very pleased with that. I put a blanket over them, I wasn't going to move them it would only wake them. Knowing Josh as I do, if he wakes up he will just want to start again.

I went to the front room and fell asleep on the sofa.