4

Explode

Edward

I watched her open the apartment door and head down the hallway. I didn't bother looking around and was only vaguely aware I had never been in her apartment before. We didn't feel the need to turn on any lights. The sun was just starting to set and the darkness was calming.

I followed her to the bedroom, as she walked to the side of her bed I purposely went to the other side. We just stood there looking at each other. This wasn't sex, or lust, or want, this was just…existing.

I noticed the bed was pink; pink pillows, pink comforter, pink sheets, all pink. It didn't fit. Pink was the color of a little girl, someone soft and innocent. Bella didn't fit pink.

We were covered in soot, ash and smoke, dirty and wet, our faces swollen from tears. I didn't care. I didn't care that the bed was too pink for our filthy bodies. There was no place else we could be at this moment. No place where we wouldn't have to talk about it or be alone. Both of those options were impossible right now.

She began unbuttoning her shirt so I followed suit. We disposed of our clothing and climbed into the bed. She turned onto her side and stared at me. I did the same.

We just stared. Feeling numb.

"You're leaving," I finally stated. Not really a question.

I began softly running my fingers along the top curves of her breasts. My blackened fingers looked harsh against her skin and the contrast mesmerized me. I wasn't planning on talking her into staying. I honestly didn't care if she left. I was just stating a fact.

"Probably," she answered. "I have no obligations keeping me here."

"Every obligation I have will keep me here," I sighed.

I didn't want to start thinking about what those obligations were. They would have definitely kept me literally from here…here in her bed. None of those obligations would remotely understand why this was exactly where I had to be.

"I don't know which is worse," she smiled. "Running away or having to stay?

Her smile immediately turned serious.

"You're a good man, Edward. I know you don't need to know that right now, but I wanted you to hear me say it." She reached a hand toward my cheek but stopped in mid air and pulled her hand back.

I fucking didn't need to hear it, not now, not here, not ever. The word good has no meaning to me. Good people died, good families torn apart, I couldn't wrap my mind around words like good or bad.

I reached over and ran my finger along the bottom of her lip. It was soft, that was good, that I could understand.

"We've never kissed," I observed.

"Of course not," she laughed. "That is just too intimate!"

"Bella, you've had my dick in your mouth for god sakes. And we are naked in your bed right now!"

"That is different. Sex is primal, instinctual; you don't have to put much thought into it. But kissing is thoughtful and purposeful. Kisses say something and have meaning," she philosophized.

"And this?" I nodded to the bed.

"This is the best fuck you never had!"

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. She did the same. Sex was something I could talk about without pain. Only talk.

"What would have happened?" I mused.

"Well, let me see, "she contemplated. "I would have climbed on top of you, with my pussy in your face, and sucked you dry."

"That almost made me hard," I sighed.

"And I almost believe you," she sighed in return.

Bella

I never felt this type of exhaustion before. I was beyond being tired. I was numb and empty, something I couldn't explain. I just knew I didn't want to be alone. Edward was lying next to me staring at the ceiling so I turned towards him to watch him stare.

I knew he was going to feel guilty….once he started feeling anything. We just lived through the most horrific event of our lives and naturally, we were going to feel guilty we survived, angry that others were not strong enough to survive with us, and then hopefully grateful we were strong enough. Some really heavy shit was waiting to be dealt with.

"I'm afraid to sleep." I whispered, so karma, fate, whatever made the world turn the way it did couldn't hear me.

Edward turned to face me again. I stared into his eyes finding the courage to continue.

"I am afraid my mind will show me things I haven't registered yet. I don't want to know any more…." I couldn't finish.

I picked up a piece of my hair that had fallen across my neck and smelled it. My psyche wanted to acknowledge the smoke but Edward reached over and pushed my hand away.

"Don't," he whispered. "Just….don't."

I placed my hand back on the pillow and continued to stare at him.

"When I was sixteen," he started, moving closer to me and speaking in barely a whisper, "I took a girl to a movie, on my way home I ran over a dog. I never even saw it, only heard the thump as my tire went over its body." He stopped abruptly and his eyes turned sad. "I've never told that to anyone."

I remembered seeing the pictures of dogs in his office and it clicked. He was one of those guys. Man's best friend and all that shit. It fit. I could picture him taking long runs with his dog. Hell, he probably only confided in his dog. And now, sadly, all those pictures were burned to ash.

I bit my lower lip for a moment and stared directly into his eyes. I could confess something too, something that would relieve my overburdened conscience and make room for today's events.

Speaking slowly I began. "My grandmother lived with us when I was little. If I was ever alone in the house and heard her call for me I would run outside and hide. I couldn't bear to see her shriveled body lying there so useless. I was afraid I would catch it. Whatever it was."

"You didn't…" He covered his mouth to stifle a yawn.

"Didn't what?" I asked.

"Didn't catch…it."

"And you didn't mean to run over the dog," was all I could say. I wanted to add how he had tried his best to save as many people as possible today, but I just couldn't make myself go there.

He blinked a couple of times and I had to mentally threaten myself to keep my tears from forming. Then I realized there were no more tears left. I had already used them all.

My eyes were becoming heavy and I let them shut for a moment. When I opened them Edward's eyes were closed. He looked so peaceful. I was tempted to reach out and touch his face. Gently feel the contours of his cheek and run my fingers over his closed lids. I couldn't, so I just watched him breath in and out.

After a couple of minutes his mouth twitched as he felt my eyes on him.

"So this is the best fuck I never had, huh?" he asked, the edges of his mouth turning up but not quite forming a smile.

"Yeah, I almost feel sorry for you."

With that he opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"You will spend your entire life trying to find something that even remotely compares, but you won't of course." I smiled at him.

"In that case," he said, as he moved his lips lightly over mine. "Thank you."

I froze. I couldn't really say it was a kiss. It was more like touching. His lips touching my lips. It felt safe, and wonderful and real. In the midst of everything surreal, he was real.

He was right here where I needed him to be; needed him in a way that was foreign to me. I could touch him and he probably needed me to touch him, just as I needed him to touch me.

I moved lower into the bed and snuggled up to his chest, snaking my arms loosely around him. I could hear his heart steadily beating against my ear. He let his arm drape over my waist and began rubbing small circles on my back. His chin rested on the top of my head and he let out a soft sigh causing me to tighten my arms around him.

Then something miraculous happened.

We slept.

5

Morning After

Edward

I awoke to the smell of coffee, my senses no longer keeping me blissfully unaware of the soot and smoke clinging to my body. I grunted while sitting up in the bed.

Damn I feel old, I thought. The aches were due to the over exertion of all my muscles from the previous days events.

Bella was gone but a clean towel was lying on the bed stand next to me. I made my way grimacing to the bathroom. The hot shower was soothing and I scrubbed my skin until it was almost sore. The outward physical evidence of yesterday made its way slowly down the drain; the inner shit would take years to wash away.

After I finished drying off I realized I had nothing clean to put on. I wrapped the towel around my waist and opened the door. Bella was standing next to the bed. She was dressed in shorts and a tank top. She looked so small. Gone were the expensive suites and high heels. I realized for the first time those were her props. She was not a tough-as-nails girl; she was playing the game…..just like the rest of us.

"Hi," she smiled.

"Hi, um….I don't have any clean clothes," I confessed. I was rubbing my neck and starring at the floor, I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable.

She didn't answer until I looked up. She smiled softly. "I can wash your clothes if you are willing to wear a towel for awhile."

I finally remembered I had a gym bag in my truck. "I have some clothes in my gym bag if you don't mind running out to my truck to get it for me?"

"Hum…so, if I refuse you have to stay in that towel? Gotta, give me more incentive here, Edward!"

"I'll fix you breakfast," I offered. "Unless you want to change into a towel and join me?" My attempt at seduction even surprised me.

"You drive a hard bargain, but I just happen to be starving, so give me your keys." She held out her hand and waited for me to dig my keys out of my dirty dress pants.

She returned quickly and tossed a black bag to me. I changed into a pair of grey sweat pants and a black t-shirt. I gathered up my smoky clothes, underwear and all and set them outside the garage door. I didn't want them washed. I was just going to throw them away. I don't think I could ever stand to wear them again.

When I walked into the kitchen she was sitting at a bar stool with her elbows on the counter resting her chin in her hands.

"Proceed," she commanded.

"Where can I find the cereal bowls?" I asked trying to sound serious.

"No way Cullen, pancakes or nothing!"

I knew the word "nothing" meant clothes.

I raised my hands in defeat and she nodded to the cabinet over my shoulder. As I began making the pancakes she stripped the bed of the dirty sheets and began washing the nightmare away. I poured myself a cup of coffee and set the first stack of finished pancakes on the bar where she had been sitting.

She returned and smiled. "Wow, you are fast!"

I winked and handed her a fork.

"I have a surprise," she announced as she opened the refrigerator.

"Ta da." She pulled out a can of whipped cream.

"You are an angel!" I teased.

Bella

We ate most of the pancakes, stuffing ourselves. I leaned back and rubbed my stomach.

"Edward that was great, it really hit the spot."

He wiggled his eyebrows at me without speaking, always choosing to use as few words as possible. I opened my mouth to say something when the doorbell rang.

Edward and I both sat frozen to our chairs. I stared into his eyes showing my hesitation until he finally rose and headed for the door. I was still holding my breath when I heard the door open.

"We're looking for Bella Swan," a male voice spoke.

I heard Edward moan, "I'm Edward Cullen and I am sure you are looking for me,

too. Come in and have a seat."

"Bella," he called.

I made my way to the living room. I could feel my legs shaking and as I rounded the corner I saw two police officers sitting on my sofa. Edward was in the wing chair to their right and I sat in the chair to their left. From my chair I could look directly at Edward. I couldn't look anywhere else; his eyes were where I was pulling my courage. He seemed so relaxed and it calmed me.

"Ms. Swan," the larger man started, "I hate to impose but we have tried to reach you by phone."

I finally looked at the officer. "I have my phone turned off," I stated without offering an apology.

"Yes," he responded. "We hate to intrude but we have a few questions for the both of you." He glanced at Edward.

"Does this have to be done right now?" Edward asked. Something in his eyes made me nervous. He seemed to tense a bit. I know yesterday was much worse for him than me, so I offered to go first.

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

The smaller officer took out a note pad and pen. Without looking up he asked, "What made you head to the roof Ms. Swan?"

I felt the panic rise in my chest. "I heard Edward," I whispered.

Both officers turned to Edward. He let out a long sigh and then offered, "I felt the explosion come from underneath us. I knew the smoke would rise and I wasn't sure of the conditions on the lower floors. I began yelling for everyone to head to the roof. I made a mistake and it cost people their lives."

I shook my head vehemently but couldn't find the right words.

"Mr. Cullen," the large officer spoke softly. "Not one person who headed down the stairs survived. Thirty-eight people are alive because you told them to head to the roof."

Edward didn't respond and just stared at me. I knew what was playing over and over in his head. It was not the ones that survived, it was the ones that died. Those who were not fit enough to make the jump to the other building; those who were too afraid to jump and those he couldn't convince to jump.

"Did you know anyone on the second floor?" one of the officers asked.

"What?" We both asked.

"The second floor; it was recently leased to a new business. Did you know anyone from that floor?"

I tried to think back but couldn't remember noticing anyone new. I usually took the stairs up to our 7th floor office. I had to admit I usually only noticed people if they caught my eye for some reason, like a really hot man or a very stylish woman. I looked at Edward, but he was just shaking his head.

"Is that where the explosion came from?" I asked.

"We think it was specifically meant for that particular business. But that is still under investigation."

"So they meant to murder all those people; an entire building full of innocent people?" I was mortified.

Edward remained silent but I could see his hands were pulled into tight fists and his knuckles were turning white. He continued staring at the carpet.

"Can I ask you about your plans?" the large officer asked us both. "I mean, if there turns out to be a trial we will need to be able to reach you."

I took a long slow breath and then announced, "I plan to move to the San Diego office." Edward's head instantly snapped up. "I know they have an opening and I think I want to get away from here."

Everyone turned to Edward now. The smaller officer spoke first. "I assume with your wife in an assisted care facility you plan on staying in the area?"

I tried not to let my expression change. I was screaming on the inside. Edward cleared his throat and spoke, "Yeah, um right. I also have a son in the area so I won't be leaving here." He finally met my eyes. The tension in the room was palpable.

"Ms. Swan, do you have family in San Diego?" the officer asked.

I smiled softly and answered while still looking at Edward. "No, I was raised by my mother and she died several years ago. I never knew my father." I noticed Edwards eyes soften a bit and it pissed me off. I turned to the two officers and continued. "You see, I am completely free to make decisions for myself. I don't have any attachments here, so San Diego sounds like as good a place as any."

Edward continued to stare but I wouldn't look at him.

The officers handed us both a card and said they would be back in touch. Edward walked them to the door…my door….and then returned to the living room, standing in the doorway.

We were both silent until I finally looked at him. His eyes looked so sad, like he was racked with guilt. I raised my hand as if to stop him from speaking.

"Don't," I mumbled.

He raised one eyebrow.

"Don't," I spoke louder. "Don't you dare apologize to me and don't you dare expect me to apologize to you." I was furious now and stood with my hand still out in front of me.

"I am not looking for a savior, or even a boyfriend and I sure as hell don't need a daddy. I am not your mistress or trying to take you away from your family. I like sex. I like sex with you. Period! So wipe that pity off your face or fuck you!"

His eyes instantly relaxed and a smile slowly spread across his face. He started walking backwards out of the room and used one finger to motion for me to come to him.

I felt…..relief. We weren't going to have some deep conversation. We were going to retreat back to the place where we could exist together, where our only concern was for our own gratification. We were selfish. And that emotion I understood. That emotion was where I felt safe.

I followed, matching him step for step. When he reached the kitchen he held up a finger for me to wait. He quickly walked to the counter and picked up the can of whipped cream.

"Ta da." He used my same line.

I ran and jumped into his arms with my legs wrapped around his waist. "You are a devil!" I laughed.

6

Counseling

Bella

I sat in the waiting room of Dr. Carla Smithson. My crossed leg was bouncing furiously as I waited for my appointed time. The corporation was requiring each surviving employee to go through a psychological evaluation and then six months of counseling. My initial visit would be in Seattle, but the remaining sessions would be done in San Diego.

Alice assured me the primary meeting was very light and preliminary. Jasper came along with her and he was allowed to stay by her side the entire time.

I was stunned when Edward walked through the door. He looked shocked to see me as well.

"Hi," we both mumbled as he came to sit next to me.

"I guess we get to tag team the doctor." I tried to joke. I was suddenly terrified at the thought of sitting in that office with Edward next to me.

Edward just rolled his eyes and draped his arm over the back of my chair. It was oddly comforting. After a couple of minutes a woman called out both of our names and led us into the back office. We sat on a leather sofa and I found myself wishing Edward would place his arm behind me again.

Dr. Smithson walked in and shook both our hands. She was small, with a very pinched face. She looked to be in her fifties and wore her hair in a very severe bun on the back of her head.

"Let me start by saying I am very sorry for the circumstances which bring you here. I understand it was probably the most difficult for the two of you."

I couldn't help the appalled chuckled that escaped my throat. I was pretty sure it was much more difficult for those who were blown to pieces or burned to death. Edward just leaned forward on the couch placing his elbows on his knees.

Dr. Smithson smiled and then looked directly at me. "Bella, tell me about yourself."

Why did I feel so exposed? It was a simple question but I somehow felt there was no correct answer. I decided to be a brief as possible.

"I moved here ten months ago from the Chicago office. I am transferring to San Diego next week."

The silence was so loud. She didn't respond and I didn't offer anything else. Edward dropped his head apparently uncomfortable with the power struggle between two women going on right in front of him.

"Where are you originally from?" Dr. Smithson finally asked.

"That's hard to answer," I responded. "I moved a lot as a child. I was born in Arizona."

"What made you move so often?" she pressed.

"I had a very adventurous mother."

"Had?" she asked.

"She died," was all I offered.

"What about your father?"

Shit! She found my Achilles heel.

I looked at my hands. "Um….I don't have a father. I mean my mother was impregnated by a man and his name is on my birth certificate, but he isn't even aware of my existence." I didn't add that I knew he was from the state of Washington.

"Did you ever have a desire to search him out?"

"Never," I said emphatically.

The room became silent again. Edward began messaging his temples wishing he could somehow disappear from this room.

Dr. Smithson turned her attention to Edward. I felt like I had betrayed him. I should have kept talking and spared him this pain. I didn't know why I felt protective of him. He was older than me. He was the one who took charge that day and saved so many people. For some reason I wanted to save him today.

"Edward, what about you?"

He winced and then looked up at her. "Yea, I was born here, went to school here, and worked here."

"Family?" she asked while looking at the folder in her hand.

He exhaled loudly and a look of defeat crossed his face.

"My wife got pregnant our senior year in high school. We got married as soon as we graduated. It was a mistake. I got an education while she got bitter. She developed Multiple Sclerosis about 10 years ago. When I couldn't take care of her anymore I moved her to a nursing home. I had to keep working to keep the insurance. My son is now the one who is bitter. I haven't spoken to him in two years."

Holy shit!

Dr. Smithson held the folder and then motioned to the both of us. "Now tell me about this."

"What do you mean?" I demanded.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Are you two intimate?"

My mouth fell open. I was suddenly very interested in what was in those folders. Edward sat up straight now and answered, "Yes, and I won't apologize for that."

I stared at him incredulously.

"How do you feel about her leaving?" she asked.

"I hate it. It doesn't surprise me because it is what she does, and I won't ask her to stay," he simply stated.

"Excuse me, but I am right here. Don't talk about me like I am not in the room."

He turned to look at me and smiled. Dr. Smithson began biting on her pen. After a few moments she looked at me and asked, "Does that make you rethink your plans when you hear him say he wants you to stay?"

"Absolutely not," I quickly answered. "We are not a couple if that's what you think. We aren't dating or in a relationship. Edward?" I was imploring him to step in and help me explain.

He scooted closer to me and looked directly into my eyes. "If I asked you out on a date would you go?"

I immediately looked at Dr. Smithson. My heart was racing and I felt like a trapped animal.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" I heard a panicked laugh come from me and it sounded so desperate. I couldn't will myself to calm down.

"A date, Bella. Dinner. A movie. Talking. No sex." His jaw tensed as he spoke.

When Dr. Smithson leaned closer, as if she too was waiting for an answer I snapped. I rose and glared down at Edward.

"Aren't you forgetting somebody in this little scenario…like Mrs. Cullen?"

My voice was now loud and strong, laced in venom. Edward looked horrified and dropped his head. I headed for the door and turned back to speak to him as I turned the knob.

"If you ever need your dick sucked be sure and give me a call, but the next time you are looking for some emotional bonding try visiting your wife!"

I was shaking as I ran to my car. I was so mad at myself for getting into this situation to begin with. Who did he think he was? He was married and somehow made me out to be the bad guy. I had men try to lure me into relationships with gifts or flowers but not once had one simply wanted me to go on a date with him. I raced as fast as I could out of the parking lot. I was suddenly very anxious to start my life in San Diego.

Edward

I was shocked to see Bella in the waiting room of Dr. Smithson's office. Jasper told me he went with Alice but I figured their appointment was together because they were a couple. I don't think Bella and I constituted a couple in anyone's definition.

I sat next to her and put my arm around the back of her chair. I noticed how her eyes darted to my arm. I didn't feel the need to protect her, she was wearing one of her power suits with some really high heels. This was not the pink Bella.

I had on a pair of jeans and a t shirt. I hadn't shaved and my hair was all over the place. I was not trying to be, Edward, team manager today. I wasn't trying to hide behind my suit because I didn't want my failure that day to be in any way related to my job. I took it personally.

When we made our way into the doctors office I began to feel sick. I had so many secrets in my life and the building exploding was only the top of the pile. I promised myself I would stick to that day only…at least in front of Bella.

Dr. Smithson was good. She immediately got to the bottom of things. I had not intended to bring up my situation but it was easier than bringing up the fact that I couldn't make it a week without my bottle. Bella totally lost her shit. I wasn't sure if I purposely pushed her buttons or not.

Maybe, I wanted to appear to be the healthy one so I pushed her over the edge. Or maybe I just wanted more from our relationship. I wasn't prepared for her to throw my wife into the mix. My hands were twitching, and I desperately needed a drink.

When Bella stormed out of the room I knew I lost her forever. Whatever sick, twisted, relationship we had was over and I would most likely never see her again.

Dr. Smithson looked at me for several minutes and I couldn't hold her gaze. I stared at my shaking hands and said the first thing that came to my mind. "I need help."

She leaned forward and spoke very softly. "Edward, you have been dealing with some really serious issues and trying to take responsibility for an accident is the last thing you need."

I shook my head in agreement and let out a shaky breath. "I…..um….I try…" I finally let out a disgusted laugh. "I was going to say I self medicate, but I'm actually just a drunk."

Dr. Smithson didn't seem surprised at all. She shook her head in understanding and nodded towards the door. "Was Bella, an attempt at self medicating?"

"Bella was an attempt to feel alive. She has more life inside her than anyone I've ever known. I guess I was hoping it was contagious."

"You're not healthy enough for a relationship, and neither is Bella. The two of you together would be a very bad idea," Dr. Smithson said.

I chuckled to myself. "Bella and I were not a relationship. We were only sex. That is the only relationship Bella allows."

"And you want more?"

I sat perfectly still and tried to find the nerve to admit what I had been lying to myself about for the past few months. "I love her," I finally whispered.

Dr. Smithson sat back into her chair with her finger pressed over her lip. She just stared at me as she narrowed her eyes.

"Well, Mr. Cullen, you have a lot of work to do. We will start with removing all the liquor from your home, office, vehicles, anywhere you have it stashed or hidden. Then, I will set you up with AA meetings. You will be required to attend those meetings as part of your therapy."

I felt my chest tighten and fear ran through my body. I knew she was right, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do this. Dr. Smithson knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Mr. Cullen, did you honestly feel like some of those people who refused to jump would have been able to make it?"

I winced and then shook my head up and down.

She leaned over and smacked my knees with her folder, "Then jump, Edward, I know you can make it."