I feel like an old tree. One that has just fallen, heavy into the earth without any intention of standing. I look up at the mayor-no, he's dad again, for help. He looks as pale and awestruck as I feel. My eyes don't leave him as I try to shuffle to the stage. I feel a million eyes on me, like bugs crawling. I have to stay strong.
One, two, three, four, five. I breathe, struggling to keep these clunky oxfords on my feet. Maybe if I focus on them, I'll calm down.
Peacekeepers stare me down as I walk, like they're expecting me to bolt. I sink myself in, in a series of breath and glare forward, ignoring the tears at the corners of my eyes and hard beating in my chest. I must be brave. I cannot loo at my father's face again.
Effie Trinket outstretches a paste-white, claw-nailed hand to me. I take it and she leads me to my place, where I face all of District 12. Some are still solemn, some cannot hide their shock. I find Katniss. Her expression is still terse, but she's staring right at me and some part of her looks on the verge of tears. She nods at me, subtly, and I nod back. I don't know what it means but it comforts me.
"Alright!" Effie tweets, hand gestures swaying her over to the second glass ball on the stage. "This is going just swimmingly, isn't it? Time for the boys!"
She wastes no time reaching in and extracting a name. "Gale Hawthorne,"
My eyes have not left Katniss, who doesn't hide her devastation this time. Tears roll down her cheeks as he mounts the stage, emotionless. Not a single bit of him looks afraid. He's staring at her too, looking helpless and probably wishing he could tell her it will be alright.
He can't make that promise.
My father steps forward, shaking, to read the Treaty of Treason like he must every year. I have that one memorized, too, and I stare at my feet as I murmur along. As he finishes up, it seems that Haymitch has had enough and he steps forward, throwing his arms around Gale and I and yelling over any other noise. He's grinning, but I can't look at him for long because inhaling his scent makes me nauseous.
"C'mon, shake!" slurs Haymitch enthusiastically, stumbling backward.
I turn to Gale and we take each other's hands. His shake is sincere, not like I expected, but he looks like a wolf staring down his prey. The anthem of Panem slides into the air thickly. It isn't over soon enough before a few excessively rough Peacekeepers shove our way into Justice Building. The silence I face in my lone room here is surprisingly painful. I almost miss the Reaping stage.
It doesn't take long for the door to burst open. I feel my dad's arms around me before I register that it's him. His suit is disheveled now, as is his patchy hair. I cling to him tightly; I know he'll disappear soon. With my face pressed into his shoulder, I inhale to remember his scent. He pulls back, petting my hair frantically. His face looks grey and crooked as he tells me, "Please try. For me. For your mother."
I think back to when I dug up that tape. I vividly remember watching the aunt I never knew get picked apart by long-beaked, bubblegum birds. The image puts a stone in my throat that I try to swallow. I nod at my dad, instead, fixing his hair. I hope he knows that no amount of trying will make me come out victorious.
"It'll be okay," I lie soothingly. I run my hands down my dad's sleeves, trying to calm him. He looks frantic. How will he tell mom I was reaped?
He sighs a very defeated sigh, pulling me to him again. He doesn't want to let go, I know, but there is definitely a more pressing matter at hand.
An unsympathetic Peacekeeper opens the door lazily. "Time."
Neither of us want to let go, but when the soldier threatens brute force, we break away. Just before my father's face is closed behind the wood, I request that he makes sure the Hawthornes stay alive.
A small rush of people enter and leave after that, telling me how kind I am and that they will miss me. They wish me the best, acting like I'm strong enough to outlast twenty-three. It feels like I'm already dead and they're speaking to my grave. I smile through them, though, thanking them and knowing that they truly mean well. I add their well wishes to a list of reasons to be strong, even though I don't know the names of half of them. Amidst the visitors, there is Katniss.
I'm surprised to see her at first. She rushes to me, her expression crumbling like my dad's was. I can tell her mind is on Gale.
"Katniss, he has a shot at winning," I say, keeping my eyes trained on hers. "It's okay; your time is better spent on him."
I try to smile, but I'm not sure if it came across that way. Another surprise: she hugs me.
She's not going to lie to me, and I'm glad. I doubt she even wants me to come out victorious over Gale. But still, she is afraid for me, and I am her second choice, so I can believe her sincerity when she gives me her parting message: "Fight like hell,"
Before she leaves, I give her a kiss on the cheek.