Baby Steps

Chapter 2

His heart thumped hard against his rib cage at the name on the chart staring back at him. It was almost mocking after all this time. Beckett, right there in front of him in block letters.

She had kissed him, her fingertips feathering across his cheek, lips soft and warm against his. He could still taste the salt of her tears, feel the hitch in her breath. He closed his eyes and saw the way her bottom lip drew between her teeth as she pulled back, the pink stain of her cheeks, the pain swirling in her half-lidded eyes.

Then she had run.

Any other day he would have been proud of the speed she gained, the lack of limp in her step. Instead he had been left sitting on the floor, legs splayed out in front of him, any words dead on his lips. He hadn't seen her since.

He had debated calling her, his fingers paused over the buttons, the dial tone droning in his ear. He had driven by her building, keys jingling as they dangled from his fingers, his feet cemented to the sidewalk. But then weeks had turned to months, and months to a year. By then it was too late, so he had moved on, until now.

Four years, and his hands were shaking as he flipped open the thin manila folder, but the name that greeted him was not the one he had expected.

James Beckett. Age 56. Broken leg.

Castle sighed. There was no more information, no story, just the preliminary facts. His feet were bricks as he walked to the door, the tilt of the world, and the burn of his lungs reminding him that he hadn't taken a breath. Denise's eyes were on him, in fact they hadn't left him since she had handed him the file. She didn't know, there was no way she could, he hadn't told anyone, but that knowing smirk on her face made him think that maybe she did.

He sucked in a breath as his hand gripped the knob. He was being an idiot. It had been four years. She'd forgotten all about him by now. Four years. And yet he still remembered every heart-stopping second.

His eyes scanned the chairs in the waiting room, half of them empty. The space was scattered with people, some reading books or magazines. One middle-aged woman with mousy brown hair was doing a newspaper puzzle while she waited for her son, Patrick, who was in rehab from a football injury.

"Mr. Beckett?" The name rolled off his tongue before his eyes found the man sitting slumped in the corner of the room.

He wasn't the same man Castle remembered. This man was older, far older than four years would have made him. He had a scraggly scruff of a beard across his chin and cheeks, deep shadows under his sunken eyes. His body was thinner. But Rick recognized those eyes, the same as Kate's. Too old for his age. He stood from his chair, a single cane in his hand as he hobbled across the room to where Rick was patiently waiting for him, a small hesitant smile on his face.

"Jim," he greeted when Mr. Beckett was close enough. "It's good to see you again, I wish it were under better circumstances."

"Rick. I didn't think you'd remember." Jim Beckett replied, his voice tired.

"Of course I remember." Castle continued as he turned to hold the door open for his new patient. He followed Jim slowly down the hall, the seconds ticking past until he worked up the nerve to ask his next question. "How's Kate?"

Jim chuckled, a slight twinkle in his eye as he turned to look back at Rick. "She's good. Off saving the world thanks to you."

"So, she did become a cop?" Rick questioned, unable to help himself. He needed to know. There was something about her, four years and he could still feel her all around him. Every time he looked at that punching bag, every time he sat in that corner she was with him. He should have called.

"Mmhmm." Jim hummed, Rick pointing him in the direction of the small office in the back where they would go over Jim's rehab schedule. "Been on the beat, as they say, for about a year now. Graduated from NYU, went directly into the police academy, finished at the top of her class."

"Can't say I'm surprised." Rick chuckled, but he needed to focus on the topic at hand, the haggard man in front of him. "And how are you, Jim?"

"Sober," Mr. Beckett replied as he gingerly lowered himself into the seat next to the small desk, Rick closing the door behind them. "Two months. I spent the last eight weeks in rehab while my leg healed. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life."

"What happened, Jim?" He shouldn't ask but the question was gnawing at his gut and he could see through the nervous ringing of his hands, the pick at his fingernails that the older man wanted to unburden himself as well.

"I was drunk. No…" Jim paused. "I was past drunk at my usual bar. The bartender, Tony, had to call Katie to pick me up, something that has happened way too many times over the past four years. She had to leave work to come get me so she was in her uniform when she showed up. I didn't recognize her at first, that's how far gone I was, I just thought Tony had called the cops on me, and I got belligerent."

Jim paused, lost in thought. His blunt fingernails scratching at his beard and Castle's breath caught in his chest, his heart sinking.

"I took a swing at her. I hit my own daughter, Rick. I never… I've said and done a lot of things I regret over the past four years, but I never, never, hurt my child, and yet I did." His words were coated in tears as he continued, eyes glued to a spot on the floor where the worn carpet met the baseboard. "I tried to run, fell down the stairs, broke my leg, hit my head.

"When I woke up the next day in the hospital my leg was in a cast and she was sitting at my bedside, her jaw black and blue. She didn't have to say anything, I just knew. This was rock bottom. If I kept going the way I was I would lose my daughter just like I lost my wife, except Katie would be my own fault. I checked myself into rehab the next day, got sober. I haven't seen her in two months. We've talked on the phone a few times but… I have a lot to apologize to my daughter for, things she should never forgive me for, but I need to apologize to you too."

"Me?" Castle startled at the statement, Jim's gaze finally lifting to meet his.

"Four years ago. You should never have seen me like that, you should never have had to drive us home that day, practically carry me up the stairs, help me into bed. I'm sorry for that and I want to thank you for taking care of Katie when I couldn't."

"I… it's…"

"Don't say 'it's no problem' or 'it's fine'. We both know it wasn't, isn't. Just thank you."

Castle nodded. "You're welcome."

It wasn't until one month later that he saw her. She was sitting in one of the hard chairs in the waiting room her hands clasped in her lap, shoulders stiff, when he and Jim walked out. She rose when she saw them, her hands hanging awkwardly at her sides, a startling juxtaposition from the stiff pull of her dark hair back into a severe bun, the crisp press of her uniform tight over the bulletproof vest, the gun holstered at her hip.

One hand came up to curl an invisible lock of hair behind her ear. She looked good, healthy, a little tired.

"Katie!" Jim stated when he saw her.

"Hey, Dad."

"Hey, baby. You're here."

"Yeah, well I got off shift early, thought maybe we could grab an early dinner at the diner."

"Early? Katie…"

Kate shrugged, pink tinting the tips of her ears, as her eyes momentarily locked with Rick's, before shifting back to her father. "Cap found out I've been staying late every night, ordered me to go home."

Jim nodded, his eyes flickering between the two of them. "Lunch sounds nice, let me just use the restroom before we leave."

"Hey, Castle," the greeting was soft, bordering on shy.

"Kate." He was proud of himself, managing to force a single word past his lips. He didn't think it would have been possible, but she was even more beautiful than she had been four years before. The teenager had given way to a young woman, her cheeks a little fuller, her eyes a little less haunted. "You look good."

She bit her lip in that same shy smile, causing his heart to flutter, and it was like no time had passed at all. "So do you."

The sound of a door opening drew both of their attention and Kate cleared her throat as her father exited the bathroom. "I, um, I have to go. It was good to see you, Rick."

"You too, Kate. I'm glad you're doing well. Stay safe out there."

"I will. You too."

He forced himself to take a step back, not exactly sure when they had drifted so close to each other, when Jim approached them. Then he was alone, watching their backs as they exited the practice side by side, disappearing into the hustle and bustle of the city.

Denise's eyes were on him when he rounded the counter to hand her the file. "So, that was an interesting scene. Something you would like to share with the class, Ricky?"

Rick shook his head. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, you don't, do you?" Castle shook his head in denial and Denise let out a sigh, pushing back in her chair as she lifted her styrofoam to-go cup to her lips, drawing out sip from her straw as she assessed him.

"Rick," She continued after a moment. "How long have we known each other?"

Castle thought back to the first time he had walked into the practice for his internship interview. "Almost seven years."

"And how long have I been calling you on your bullshit?"

He huffed out a chuckle in response to her raised eyebrow and pursed lips. Ducking his head he lifted a hand to scratch the back of his neck. "Almost seven years."

"Wrong. Over seven. I caught every exaggeration on your resume and put in a good word with the boss anyway. Against my better judgement I like you, Rick. You and your cocky ass. So, tell me, what the hell was that?" Denise motioned to the front door causing Castle to sigh as he settled back into his normal perch at the edge of the desk.

"I kissed her." The words spilled out before he could stop them.

Denise leaned back in her chair, arms crossed over her chest, eyes darting across the room to make sure none of the staff was in earshot.

"The last time I saw her four years ago. Everyone else was gone for the day, she was upset and I kissed her. The best, worst mistake I've ever made."

"And why's that?"

Castle sighed, running a hand through his hair, letting it fall to scratch at a patch of stubble he had missed that morning. "Because it was amazing, perfect, extraordinary, and I'll never know that feeling again."

Denise was silent for a moment as he reflected, the office humming around them.

"Sarah called."

Rick shook his head, forcing his mind back to the present.

"She's running late, her last parent teacher conference went long but she said she'll meet you at the bakery at six for the cake tasting."

He allowed his eyes to drift to the door for a moment longer before pushing himself off of the desk.

"Right. I should get changed."

He could feel Denise's gaze burning into his back as he wandered back to the locker room, his hands shoved in the pockets of his scrubs. It had been four years, life had moved on, so had he. It did him no good to wander the path of if only.

A/N: Thank you all for your encouragement to continue and to KC as always for the insightful edits.

For those of you who have been asking about Chasing Nirvana- I AM still working on it, chapter 10 is almost finished and should be up soon! Thank you all for your patience and kind words. :)