That night, I dreamt of Edward Cullen, again I should say. Over and over, even I've lost count of how many days I craved for his touch. His icy touch that made my body tingle the way that shouldn't be allowed. For the last 40 years, I lived in Forks, in Charlie's house, waiting for that one single person be come back to me, to tell me that he's made a mistake. And eventually, tell me that he wants me. All of me, every single piece that he's broken. I even remembered how Mike waited for me after-school when he left. Mike was the one that waited for me by my truck, he was the one that held my hand when I was about to slip on the icy pavements, he was the one that told me that he wanted me- no matter how long he had to wait. And of course he waited. Until the point where my screaming at night became unbearable, until that he's found someone who could love him as a whole.
Then there was Jacob. He's my silver lining on the darkest cloud of Forks. To be honest, if it wasn't him and his pack, I wouldn't have lived. Yet a part of me hated him, I hated the fact that he had saved me, I wish he hadn't. I didn't want to live, not without him. That's when Charlie had a heart problem, the doctor told him that it was the stress, the lack of sleep and the way he's been living since I built my cave in my room. I could still remember blaming myself for not taking care of him, for leaving him be to wallow in my hole that I created. I miss Charlie so much. I dream of him sometimes, when I wasn't dreaming of Edward. Charlie would hold my hand and tell me that everything was okay, and find myself happiness. And I thought that I was stubborn, he's even worse. How could he not see that I cannot have happiness without him, how can he not see that I'm forbidden to even smile in the truest sense ever again. It's the way as it's always had been - without him, I'm nothing. Not even human, it's like he's got all of my insides and I'm just there. Just the outside of me. And yes, before you call me sad. After 40 years, he can still make my heart flutter like a teenager. He can still make me blush like I was 4 years old.
I remember at Charlie's funeral, I could make out the faint shape of Edward along the borderline of the trees, and later I thought I saw the silver Volvo. I could still remember what he looked like, the chiseled jaw, the golden eyes, and that faint smile that told me that he was sorry to have lost Charlie too. Then later that night, I thought I heard my window being pushed up, and I could see him, standing in a corner of my room, looking through my books. I was scared that he'll find that particular one that I wrote Edward Cullen, over and over until that back 4 pages were full. Yet, a part of me wanted him to find it, I wanted him to see what he did to me. For weeks, I wallowed in my bedroom wishing that Alice or someone, even Rosalie would come back. And they would give me just one hint whether or not they were real. That they existed in my life. And that's all I would've asked for. It was all I could ask for.
And now, that faint smile is back on my doorstep, and I shut the door in his face. I regretted it the moment I closed the door. I should've punched him instead, he deserved it. After everything that he's done, the destruction trail he's left behind him, he expects me to welcome him back with open arms? Who does he think he is?
Well, he's the love of your life. The guy you've been waiting 40 years for? Remember? The meadow, how he saved you from the van and James? My softer side urged. I cannot argue with that, it's true. These 40 years, I go to sleep by staring at the window in my bedroom until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. I know how that sounds, sad I know. But what am I supposed to do? I needed him to be happy, to even remotely smile.
Remember? Jacob can do that too. My darker side said. Well, Jacob. He found the one that he'll love unconditionally.