CHAPTER TWO

Emergency Room SGH

He's the survivor, he has to be.

She can't remember ever wanting something so desperately. No award, no competition, no surgery. She would give up all of her wins, if only she can have this. She can yell at him for being an ass. They can be together.

Meredith waits at the desk with Cristina who has remained calm and quiet since hearing the news about Burke, but, Meredith knows she will not stay that way. Experience has shown that there is a limit to how long Cristina can maintain her composure, and, she always reaches that limit sooner when Burke is involved. Meredith has no idea what she will say to comfort Cristina when the time comes. As a surgeon, she comforts families everyday, but, standing beside her best friend, those compassionate words seem empty and cold.She can't help but think that Burke would be the better person to do this.

"What about Alex?"

Meredith's voice sounds far away, reminding Cristina that she should have been the one with Burke not Alex. At least with the bomb they were together. Cristina looks over her shoulder from where she is leaning on the desk.

Wanting to avoid the fear in the young intern's eyes, the Chief focuses on Meredith. He is hesitant to speak, knowing that his answer will only lead to more questions.

"Karev wasn't on the chopper. Neither was the heart."

"What?" Cristina cannot hide the confusion on her face as she walks over to the Chief.

"Preston was coming back to check on some tests." The steadiness of the Chief's voice conceals his own internal struggle. In the past hour, he has had to accept that the best he can expect is for his top surgeon to return to his hospital as a patient who can be saved. Men in his position are expected to lead no matter what the circumstance. They are expected to manage their own fears and the fears of those around him in a way that allows their departments to maintain business as usual. With Preston hurt and the five of them in the ER, his department is not even close to normal, and, he needs to be able to get his surgeons back into his ORs as soon as he can. In these moments, he denies himself the luxury of feeling what is going on so that he can manage the damage.

Cristina stares at the floor as her mind strains beneath the crush of foreign emotion to process what the Chief has told her. Needing to do something, she begins to pace, shaking her head in disbelief. No matter how many times she replays the Chief's words she does not understand why Burke would come back for test results. That's what interns are for.

"Tests? He came back to look at tests. Seriously?" Cristina's words have a familiar edge to them.

Bailey's eyes are fixed on her intern standing defiantly before the Chief. When they first heard the news about the crash, Webberneeded to act quickly. In an attempt at containment, he informed only she and Shepherd that Burke was involved in the accident. Bailey because of the connection she had with Cristina and Shepherd because his relationship with Cristina was all business giving him an emotional distance that the others lacked. Everyone was upset and no one was sure how Cristina would react. They were a private couple, and, what little anyone knew about the pair they assumed from observing them at the hospital and the single fact that they lived together. The decision was made to tell Cristina in the ER where there would be more people. They believed that the situation could be better contained in the ER. The last thing any of them needed was for hysteria to sweep through the surgical department. The Chief was certain that, no matter how upset she was on the inside, Cristina would not permit herself to lose control around the patients or the doctors and nurses she worked with in the ER. Bailey was not so sure.

"It doesn't make any sense. Why would Burke come all of the way back without the heart?" Cristina refuses to give up, determined for something to make sense.

The Chief is amazed by the strength he hears in her voice as she challenges him to prove to her that Burke was on the helicopter. He hopes that she is able to control her emotions as well as he thinks.

Recognizing the look in their eyes, Cristina feels her heart sink. It is the exact same look a surgeon gives a family after they deliver the news that a loved one has died then, out of obligation, stay to bear witness to the emotions that follow. She always thought of it as empathy but it's clear to her now that it is pity. She hated pity but today she doesn't care. Today she needs to figure out how one minute she's breaking up with Burke and, the next, the helicopter he's not supposed to be in crashes with him on board. She needs to know.

"Cristina," watching her best friend, it is clear to Meredith that the walls around her emotions are starting to crumble.

"No…Meredith…there's no reason. Mercy West is over an hour away. It is a waste of time. Chief, this doesn't make any sense. It would have taken Burke over two hours to get back to harvest the heart."

Cristina's speech is becoming louder and pressured as she continues, her composure wearing away, "That's too long. Right? Dr. Bailey? Denny would lose the heart. That's not how it's supposed to happen. Burke always follows the rules."

Bailey watches as the reaction she feared becomes a reality. Cristina's control is based on logic and, in the absence of logic, it is unreasonable to expect that she can maintain her usual level of control over her emotions. In the absence of that control, she is as human as anyone else.

Shepherd walks over to where Cristina is standing "Cristina, I know…"

Turning around to face Shepherd, Cristina's hands and voice are raised, "No! You don't. You have no idea. Was the person you love on that helicopter? No, she's…," she stops herself as her eyes dart between Meredith and Shepherd then covers her face with her hands as she backs away.

Derek looks at Meredith, Meredith looks away stunned by both Cristina's reference to her and her public admission that she loves Burke. She feels helpless seeing Cristina, who always went to great lengths to mask her pain, unraveling in front of strangers and colleagues.

"Dr. Yang, you need to control yourself. We are not the enemy!" The Chief's words sound much firmer and louder than he intends but he will not allow her to lose control. He cannot lose control of this situation.

Cristina is barely listening, her mind overwhelmed by desperation as her eyes scan his face, "Are you certain he was on the helicopter? I mean Alex is his intern. Burke wouldn't leave his intern. You wouldn't just leave an intern. If Alex wasn't…then he…"

She hated it when families asked the same questions over and over again no matter how many times she told them the same answer. She always thought it was ridiculous but now she can think of nothing else to do as she is driven by this intense need, not a want but a need, to make sure it's not a mistake. She needs to make certain that nobody's made a mistake.

"Cristina," Bailey's voice is soft as she touches her elbow "come with me."

Immediately, Cristina moves her arm away and Bailey's heart breaks for her. For the first time she understands, that mixed in with all of that snarkiness there exists pieces of an optimist. With all that Cristina knows, here she stands searching for hope.

Aware that patients and ER staff are watching her, she clings to what is left of her emotional control, "Are you sure? Maybe Burke stayed back and sent someone else."

"Dr. Yang"

The firmness and formality in Derek Shepherd's voice shocks Bailey, Webber and Grey as they watch Cristina turn to him, her eyes still full of fight.

"We are sure. Dr. Burke is not answering his pager or his cell phone. Alex confirmed he and the pilot were the only ones on that helicopter. I'm sorry."

There is no more room for questions as Derek's words force Cristina's mind to listen to what her heart refused to hear. He can only watch as his words chase away the last of her hope that Preston is safe, that he was not involved in the accident. He watches as her lips move to protest without making a single sound and tears well up in her eyes displacing the fight that was there only moments ago. Derek had seen many things when those eyes looked at him but not once had he seen tears.

Looking at Shepherd, Cristina can think of no other point to argue, no other reason to hope that Burke is okay. The only thing left to do is sit and wait to hear whether or not he is the survivor. With unsteady legs, she moves towards a chair and fights to hold back the tears that are threatening to overtake her. It is the only thing left to fight for, the only thing left to control.