Chapter 2: The Talisman Hunt Begins
Back at Wang Jinrei's antique shop, Ganryu had just finished fixing the toilet he broke earlier and then rejoined the group ready to learn about the twelve talismans.
"Ok Master, I'm ready to go," said Ganryu.
"No we're not, I aint doing shit while you smell like toilet water, go shower, and don't break it!" barked Wang.
"C'mon Master Wang, those talismans aren't gonna wait for us forever and besides, you reek too," grumbled Lei.
"Don't care, I'm allowed to smell weird because I'm old, Ganryu isn't old, he's just fat!" retorted Wang.
"Fine," moaned Ganryu.
In five minutes, Ganryu was cleaned up and dressed. Wang was huddled around a table with Lei, Xiaoyu, and Wang as they flipped a book to a page containing information about the talismans.
"All right, we're going to learn about talismans boys and girls, no falling asleep, the twelve talismans are twelve magical artifacts each adorned with one of the twelve animals in the Chinese zodiac," read Wang.
"We already know all that boring bullshit, get to the good stuff now," spoke Lei.
"All right, long ago, there was a mythical beast that terrorized the landscape ravaging many countries, he would've enslaved the world if not for brave chi wizard who sealed him away and concentrated his powers into the twelve talismans, the talismans were spread across the world that way they would not be reunited with that beast, which would release him from his seal and allow him to dominate the world again," stated Wang.
"Well, that's kind of cliche as far as the whole backstory goes don't you think?" asked Xiaoyu.
"Yeah I think so, but aint nothing wrong with cliches in certain cases, as long as the cliche that I get the girl holds true, I don't care," replied Lei.
"Well now that we got that all squared away it's time to assign our jobs, Lei, you're the leader, you do all the leg work and get all the glory," replied Wang.
"I can live with that," said Lei.
"Xiaoyu, you be annoying tag along, I'm the chi wizard that does all the mystical chanting mumbo jumbo, Ganryu, you my apprentice, but you are also the token big guy," commented Wang.
"Damn, that shit's whack, but I'll take it," replied Ganryu.
"Those King, Asuka, and Raven folks will assist us in whatever way they can, I really don't care," mumbled Wang.
"So what should we do now, which talisman should we go for first?" inquired Xiaoyu.
"I don't know, I not fortune teller, I no sit around crystal ball and charge outrageous fortune because my name is not Miss Cleo!" answered Wang.
"Well, until we decide, let's go get something to eat, I'm getting hungry just thinking about the talismans," suggested Ganryu.
"All right, let's go, I'll buy since Master Wang is a cheap ass," stated Lei.
"Ai ya, I no cheap ass, I cheap person because my whole body is cheap, not just my ass!" shouted Wang.
Lei and his comrades then left the antique shop and headed for a Chinese resturant called Law's Wok. There, the owner of the restaurant, Marshall Law walks over to their table to take their order.
"Herro there jantumen and young rady, may I take your order?" asked Law.
"Uh yeah, I'd like some sweet and sour pork," answered Lei.
"Some egg flour soup for me," chimed Xiaoyu.
"I'd like some broccoli beef, but I'd like to know why you speak horrible Engrish," said Wang.
"I speaking bad Engrish because the author has been watching too much Team America and has me speaking in that rousy Kim Jong-Ir accent," grumbled Law.
"I see, but you're Chinese, not Korean, and by the way, I'll get a peking duck" commented Ganryu.
"Arright, I be back with your order shortry!" replied Law.
A few minutes later, Law returned to Lei's table with the orders of food.
"Here you go, enjoy your mears, I hope you have a rearry nice day!" commented Law.
"Uh thank you, and I hope one day you learn to speak without the Engrish accent," replied Wang.
Law just nodded and walked back into the kitchen as Lei and compan started to chow down on their Chinese cuisine. As they all ate, Xiaoyu wound up finding a strange stone in her soup, she looked at it in disgust.
"Hey, what's going on here, is Law trying to poison me by putting some hunk of junk rock in my soup?" inquired Xiaoyu.
Lei grabbed his sppon and scooped the stone colored object out of Xiaoyu's soup. Upon getting it out, he saw painted in red onto the front of the object was a picture of a rooster. Lei's eyes widened as he showed Wang and Ganryu what he found.
"Holy shit, it's one of the talismans!" exclaimed Lei.
"Ai ya Xiaoyu you almost ate the talisman!" hollered Wang who immediately smacked Xiaoyu on the head.
"Sorry about that Grandpa Wang," said Xiaoyu.
"And one more thing, don't call these hunks of junk, they are very priceless relic, more priceless than our lives," spoke Wang who smacked Xiaoyu on the head again.
"This is cool, so what do we know about the rooster talisman?" asked Ganryu.
"From what I know, apparently, this gives us the power of levitation and telekinesis," answered Lei.
"That's a great first talisman to find!" exclaimed Xiaoyu.
"Did someone say talisman?" asked a voice from behind the Lei Team. Lei and his friends immediately whirled around to see Steve Fox and the Dark Hand standing in the restaurant.
"Who the hell do you think you are you stupid little British crumpet?" inquired Lei.
"Hey, you watch who you're talking to sunshine before I smack your ass like there's no tomorrow," retorted Lee.
"I'll handle this Lee, I'm Steve Fox, leader of the Dark Hand, I'm here for that talisman in your position," answered Steve.
Xiaoyu immediately dropped the talisman back in the soup, Dragunov pushed his way through the crowd.
"Duh, give us the talisman little girl!" barked Dragunov.
"No way, get away from me retard!" shouted Xiaoyu.
Dragunove pushed Xiaoyu to aside and tried to reach into the soup to grab the talisman, not knowing how hot the soup was. Dragunove wound up burning his hands.
"AAAAAAAH! That's hot, I'll try again," gasped Dragunov who reached into the soup again.
"AAAAAAAH! It's still hot, hey third time's a charm," said Dragunov as he once again dipped his hand into the soup and burned himself.
"Here, try using a spoon," suggested Hwoarang handing his comrade a spoon. Dragunov dipped his hand with the spoon into the soup again.
"AAAAAH! The soup still burns, that spoon doesn't work you asshole!" yelled Dragunov throwing the spoon at Hwoarang's head.
Lei kicked Dragunov in the face and then used chopsticks to pull the talisman out of the soup.
"If you're smart, you'll give us the talisman or we'll hurt you," threatened Steve.
"Idle threats, I can take you on," retorted Lei.
"Paul, take care of this chump," ordered Steve.
"Hammer drives nail into ground!" shouted Paul.
Lei dodged Paul's attack and then grabbed the blonde oaf in a headlock.
"Wait, before we wait, can we get a good beat to fight to?" asked Lei.
"What the hell are you talking about?" questioned Wang.
"Someone play some fight music or something," answered Lei.
Someone pulls out a boombox and turns it on, some crappy boy band music comes on and everyone covers their ears.
"Knight slays howling dragon!" screams Paul who smashes the boombox to bits. Law comes out with another one.
"Before I brast music, who going to pay birr?" asked Law.
"Huh, what did he say?" asked Lee.
"Hey fuck you Ree Chaoran!" yelled Law.
"You want me to give you a reach around?" inquired Lee.
"No way Jose, get away, who going to pay birr?" shouted Law.
"I believe Mr. Phoenix will take care of it," answered Ganryu.
"Ok, enjoy music," answered Law.
Law turned the boombox on. "Bombs Over Baghdad" by Outkast blared from the stereo. Lei and the others nodded in approval as a big fight began.
"Let's do this shit!" commented Lei as he dodged a kick from Hwoarang and grabbed Xiaoyu's egg flour soup and chucked it at him, Hwoarang ducked and the soup hit Dragunov in the face.
"AAAAAAH! It burns so badly!" screamed Dragunov.
Lei then grabbed a soy sauce packet and squirted it in Hwoarang's eyes and then ran out of the Chinese restaurant.
"Wait are you waiting for you buffoons, go after him!" shouted Steve.
Lee, Hwoarang, and Dragunov all run after Lei, before Paul can head out though, Law pulls him aside.
"C'mon man, pay the birr arready!" grumbled Law. Paul stammered a bit because he knew he was broke.
"Broke man runs from debt!" yells Paul, punching Law and then running out the door.
"Ai ya, Ganryu, you pay bill then!" barked Wang.
"Why don't you do it cheap ass, you have the credit card, or I'll play my rap music twenty four seven," said Ganryu.
"All right already, I'll pay bill so we can go help Lei," grumbled Wang.
Outside, Lei is fighting off Lee, Hwoarang, and Dragunov as Steve just sits back and watches, Hwoarang aims a kick at Lei's face, Lei grabs Hwoarang's leg and kicks him in the nuts and throws him into Dragunov, Lee tries to slap Lei but misses and Lei hits him with a headbutt to the stomach and then a spinning roundhouse to the face.
"Ack, why are you guys so incompetent?" grumbled Steve.
"Car runs over pedestrian!" yells Paul who leaps in from out of nowhere and knocks Lei to the floor, as Lei crashes down, he looks at the talisman in his hands and it glows brightly. Lei finds himself lifted into the air and he flies at Steve's henchmen and delivers a bicycle kick to all of them.
"Whoa, that was oodley doodley cool! Shit I've been hanging around Xiaoyu too much," said Lei.
As Lei moved forward to attack again, he tripped and as he fell forward, the talisman wound up being launched straight into Lei's mouth and he wound up swallowing it by accident.
"Yuck, even though it's the rooster talisman, it does not taste like chicken," gagged Lei.
"Paramedic gives heimlick maneuver!" shouts Paul about to attack Lei, Lei focuses concentration onto his stomach and somehow, Paul was stopped cold in mid punch and then found himself being levitated into the air and flung deep into a dumpster.
Lee, Hwoarang and Dragunov all ran at Lei simultaneously, Hwoarang leapt into the air to unleash a flying kick on Lei, but he all of a sudden felt someone grab him in midair and slam him to the ground, it was Ganryu who then sat on Hwoarang.
"Hey, maybe you can help me remember what I had for lunch," remarked Ganryu.
"How the fuck am I supposed to help you with that?" asked Hwoarang.
"By taking a whiff of this!" answered Ganryu who then let loose a huge fart right on Hwoarang. The red haired thug screamed out in disgust and fainted from the stench.
"Yo, Dragunov, look what I have for you," called out Xiaoyu, who had a container filled with egg flour soup in her hand.
"No, I don't want to get burned again, AAAAAAAHHH!" cried Dragunov who ran away screaming and dove into the dumpster that Paul got flung in.
"Slingshot fires rock!" shouted Paul who threw Dragunov out of the dumpster and knocked him out cold
Lee continued to run at Lei, who thinking instinctively focused on his stomach again and lifted Lee into the air using the power of the rooster talisman and flung him so far that he crashed through the roof of a bar right onto the dance floor.
"Oh well, might as well shake my booty until big Stevie comes to get me," said Lee as he began shaking his groove thing on the dance floor.
"Well Mr. Fancy Suit, it seems your lackeys have failed to capture the talisman, your Dark Hand got served bitch," said Wang who smacked Steve on the head.
"Oh yeah old fart, this is just the first round, we'll all be back, you better stay on your toes, let's go!" called out Steve to his cronies.
"Soldier retreats from combat!" bellows Paul as he drags his incapacitated comrades with him.
"Well what do you know, we got the first talisman, that's so fooly cooly cool!" exclaimed Xiaoyu.
"Enough with that, those idiotic sayings are rubbing off on me," grumbled Lei.
"Question, how are we gonna get the talisman out of Lei?" questioned Ganryu.
"Either he'll have to have surgery, or he'll have to poop it out," answered Wang.
"What, are you nuts, can't you just do some of that Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fie Di Zow stuff or some shit like that to get this out of me?" asked Lei.
"No, I no have ingridients to do chi spell for that," answered Wang.
"Don't worry Lei, you should have no problem passing the talisman through your system," commented Ganryu who slapped Lei on the back so hard that Lei actually coughed up the talisman and it landed right at Wang's feet.
"Ai ya, I don't want to hold talisman, it's covered in saliva!" cried out Wang.
"Fine, I have to take this to Section 13 anyways," said Lei.
"Hey, you want a mirrion dorrar?" asked Law who walked up to Lei's group.
"Yeah, a million dollars would be nice, but I don't think you have it, thanks for lunch anyways," replied Lei.
"No probrem, you can come to Raw's Wok anytime you want, as rong as you can decide who pay birr before you come," said Law.
"Sure, we do that, but one more thing, work on accent," grumbled Wang.
Law nodded and the Lei Team headed to Section 13 to secure the rooster talisman, but they knew the Dark Hand would return to try and claim the rest.
Ask Lei segment
"Hey Lei," pipes up some little kid
"Yes?" asked Lei.
"What kind of music you like?" asked the kid.
"Oh I like all kinds of music, I big rap fan though, I like to go hyphy and get crunk, because I show you how to get your shine on and make you stunt like your daddy. I may not be the real Slim Shady but I still big pimping spending the cheese, so thizz face for me buddy, yadadamean!" replied Lei.
"Uh, ok," said the kid.
"YEAAAH, BOYEEEE! Lei Wulong!" yelled Lei, saying his name just like Flavor Flav says his name.
Author's Note: Another chapter down. Sorry if making Law speak in Engrish offends anybody, I just have been watching Team America quite a bit and that's where I got the inspiration for Law's cameo. Next chapter, Jack-5 will join the bad guys, and for all we know, we might see King or Asuka for the first time too, I still don't know yet though. So now I'm off to go brainstorm for the next chapter. Until then however, please read and review.