Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Merry Christmas, One and All!
Chapter Two: Cupid is laughing at the poor little people!
With Sasuke…
"Oh, how sweet! They're reading a book together," an elderly lady said, watching the girl with the buns on each side of her head and the boy with the hair that stuck up in the back walk past, noses buried in a book.
"Move over, Tenten. I can't see."
"You move over. See here? It says, 'couples say romantic things to each other…'"
"Like?"
"Er…the boy usually says stuff like, 'I love you so much, blah blah…' really icky and sugar gooey stuff. The girl says stuff like, 'Oh, blah blah, that's so sweet, blah blah…'"
"Er…do we have to say stuff like that?"
"Yes! Stick to the script!"
"Er, what ELSE do they do?"
"When they're with friends, they talk about how much they love their er…mate, and they hang over each other and do...inappropriate things…"
"I think we should skip the inappropriate things part. Hanging over each other is bad enough."
"Fine with me." Tenten snapped the book shut and tossed it into a local trash can. "I say we go out and get something hot to drink. I'm getting really cold."
"Yeah. Coffee."
"Hot chocolate."
"Tea."
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Blackberry."
"Lemon."
"Orange."
"Green."
"Jasmine."
"Mint."
"Fine with me." Sasuke shrugged.
"You pay."
"No. How about we pay for our own drinks."
"That's no fun, but okay."
With Naruto…
"Hey! It's Sasuke and that-what's-her-face girl!"
"You mean Ugly?"
"Nnnnoooo…I think her name is Tenten."
"Hmph."
"Look! They're reading something…er…can't see…now they're talking about something…"
"That girl is flirting with him!" Sakura snarled angrily.
"EH? SAKURA CAN SNORT LIKE A LITTLE DOGGIE! THAT IS SO COOL!"
"You pay."
"No. I think we should pay for our own drinks."
"She is taking him out to a night club! I knew she was too old for him!" Sakura said.
"That's no fun, but okay."
"SHE IS FLIRTING WITH MY SASUKE. AND TRYING TO MAKE HIM PAY FOR ALCOHOL."
"S-Sakura?" Naruto tapped her on the shoulder, and then waved. "Kiba! Hinata! You—are holding hands!"
Hinata blushed and the snow that fell on her face instantly evaporated. Kiba blushed, but nut nearly as much.
"You guys are such a good couple!"
Hinata began to cry, but that evaporated too and soon she had a small cloud of mist around her head. Kiba began to cry. He was no longer single. He was no longer single.
"THIS IS A TRAGEDY!" Kiba began to run around, screaming.
"What are you guys doing?" Sasuke and Tenten were standing there, holding hands with hot cups of to-go tea in their other hands. Sakura fought to stop from spilling scalding tea all over Tenten's face. Tenten's eyes were closed and she had a smile on her face and her face was red.
'SHE IS IN LOVE WITH MY SASUKE. SHE IS HEAD OVER HEELS WITH MY SASUKE. SHE IS SMILING WITH LOVE FOR MY SASUKE.'
With Tenten…
'I love tea. I love tea. But this tea is really warm.'
With Naruto…
"Hey! It's…er…is something wrong with you, Neji?" Naruto asked slowly. "You are holding hands with Ino."
"Ino-pig," Sakura added.
"Who you said you didn't care about her beauty," Sasuke said.
"And you are emotionless and stoic," Kiba said.
"N-Neji-san, a-are y-you alright?" Hinata asked.
"Are you alright, Neji?" Tenten asked slowly.
"I AM PERFECTLY FINE, OH BEAUTIFUL TENTEN! I JUST FEEL LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH THIS VERY UGLY GIRL BECAUSE…er, what's the word?"
"GIRLFRIEND!"
"Right! She's my girlfriend!"
Everyone fell over.
"That is nearly as bad as Kakashi proclaiming himself as a monk!" Sakura cried, jumping up.
"Hello, my brothers and sisters! Please, read the Bible on this wondrous day!" Kakashi walked up, head bald and wearing a long robe with a cord tied around his waist. Everyone fell over again. Jiraiya walked up, in much the same fashion. Everyone fell over AGAIN. This was turning out to be a most interesting day. Sasuke whipped out a camera and snapped a picture.
"Oh, so WHAT?!" Tenten said loudly. "I thought that you hated the bang-pig girl!"
"Neji," Ino said in a soft and dangerous voice. That all of the female characters in Naruto could do because they can be very dangerous when they are angry.
"Er, she is okay." Neji said, shrugging. His eyes began to twinkle and he took Tenten's hands in his and looked her straight in the face. Tenten sweatdropped and tried to inch away. "But Cupid has struck me with one of his arrows of love!"
"That's nice…" Tenten said. "But you should probably let go before I—too late."
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Neji started to run away, scalding tea all over his shirt.
"Why in the world did the author decide to make Neji look really stupid?" Naruto asked.
"Don't ask me, dobe. I think she decided that she wasn't pummeling Neji badly enough," Sasuke replied. "So she decided that I was going to be stoic and cool for him. That's why I'm so stoic and cool."
"Yes. I am stoic and cool, too." Naruto then threw away his clothes, intending to look really hot, but instead just looked really cold. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! MY CLOTHES! I TOOK THEM OFF! AND I AM REALLY COLD!"
"She decided to make you look really stupid too," Sakura said.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"What is going on?"
"Oh. Hey, its bloodthirsty Gaara and that guy…what's his name…I know his face, it's covered in purple glitter."
"IT IS VERY A VERY TRADITIONAL STYLE OF FACE PAINT!"
"…oh, what do I see? No one else wearing purple makeup, that's for sure. Even Kiba is only wearing red. A manly color. You are wearing purple. A neutral color. Does that mean you want to be a girl but ended up being a boy?" Sasuke asked.
"…maybe." Kankurou's eyes began to glitter. "Okay! I must show you…my secret passion!" he threw of his clothes and Sakura, Hinata, Tenten, and Ino yelled and looked away. And there he stood, wearing a schoolgirl's uniform, complete with mini-skirt and knee-high socks. "I am really a girl! I am really a girl! But I am a gay girl!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THAT IS SO WEIRD! THAT IS SO DISGUSTING! THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY RETARDED!"
"Oh, Sakura my love!" Kankurou held Sakura's hands and his eyes began to glitter until they flew out of their sockets into the sky and became stars. "I have loved you forever! Say you love me! For I love you! Sort of! For I am gay! Very gay in both ways!"
Sakura screamed. "HELP ME SASUKE-KUN!"
"…okay, but not because I want to, because he's so annoying and everyone is looking at him," Sasuke said. He made a couple of hand signs. "Grand Fireball Jutsu!" he threw a fireball at Kankurou. Kankurou screamed and he flew off into space to join his stars/eyes. Everyone looked at what Gaara was doing. He was building a snow man. A dead snow man with blood flowing out of him and wide dead eyes. Gaara seemed to be having fun. Everyone sweatdropped. Except Tenten. Who cried in glee and began to stick the man full of kunai. Gaara got the idea and began to make more blood. And more blood. Until he finally got tired of it and went and killed some innocent civilian and put him/her in the place of the snowman and Tenten continued to pummel it with kunai. Gaara's eyes began to glitter like Kankurou's. Must be some trait in the family or something.
"Oh, Tenten! I have never met somebody who shares my interests! Please, marry me!"
"…that's just wrong. Why are all the stoic people suddenly acting like total weirdos?" Ino asked.
"ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH." Sasuke made some more hand signs and Gaara flew off into space to join his brother in exile.
With Shikamaru…
"Where troublesome are we troublesome now?"
"I don't know, Shika-kun, but I know we can get through this together if we work hard!" Temari squeezed Shikamaru. Perhaps a little too hard, for when she let go Shikamaru slumped to the ground. Like a lifeless worm.
"Hello, my name is Dead Bob, the lifeless worm!" A worm that certainly looked dead popped out. "What is yours, my fair lady?"
"Temari!" Temari smiled.
"Hng…" Shikamaru stayed on the ground. "This is too troublesomely cold…we're in the troublesome Arctic, for troublesome goodness sake…"
"Oh, fair lady! Come reproduce with me!"
"No! One, you are disgusting! You are dead! And your name is disgusting! And your species is disgusting! Plus, humans can't reproduce with worms, especially dead ones! Two, that's disgusting because I am only fifteen!"
"Ah! You are so much older than I! I am only twelve days old," said the worm. "Twelve days dead, anyway. You are fifteen days!"
"Fifteen years."
"Oh! Oh well, that should not matter, for I love you so!"
"But I don't love you so! Three, I am in love with my truly, Shika-kun!" Temari hugged the near-lifeless Shikamaru again.
"But he is like…a lifeless worm!"
"And what are you, troublesome dead worm?" Shikamaru asked.
"…"
"Okay." Temari started to leave, dragging Shikamaru. She stepped on the worm, who died. Again. The worm began to cry.
Author's Note! If you've noticed, I've made love triangles and squares! On purpose! Or maybe I did it by accident because there weren't enough girls to go around! With Sakura, there is Naruto, Sasuke, and Kankurou. With Hinata, there is Naruto and Kiba. With Tenten, there is Sasuke, Gaara, and Neji. With Ino, there is Sasuke and Neji. With Temari, there is Shikamaru and Dead Bob! YAY! GO, DEAD BOB! GO GET THE GIRL SO SHE CAN KILL YOU WITH HER DANGEROUS HAIRDO!