Hi again! We had fun with this chapter, and next chapter everyone's favorite mockery is going to make a surprise appearance! Because frankly, this story wouldn't be part of our series if we didn't include this very special guest of honor. But enough about something hairy, noisy and pants-less, more about this chapter. I probably had too much fun with it, and we were just waiting to use some of these gags. More hilarity to come . . . eventually!

All characters (c) Stephanie Meyer, though I doubt any of this would have happened in their original world

Chapter 2 – Panty Parade in Paradise

BPOV

After I had been fished out of the water and strapped into a seat, a life vest, snorkel, flippers, floaty wings and been given several foam noodles to hold onto the Cullens decided I would be safe enough and started to explain what had been going on.

"You see, Bella love," Edward began, "We couldn't jump in and save you because-WOAH." The boat started with a jerk and I bumped against the back of my seat. Then we were off with a roar, speeding towards whatever island the Cullens had found. Judging by the splash and his scream as we sped off, Edward had not been prepared and fell into the ocean and had been left behind. Seizing this opportunity for revenge I quickly stood up and steadied myself on Alice, who had realized my plan.

"Bye, Eddie, have a good night! Don't let the sharks and squids bite! If you survive, you're welcome to try and find us!"

I couldn't see him but I could feel Edward scowling at our backs, well, that and the fact that Alice whispered to me that he was scowling. Oh yeah, this was going to be a fun vacation.

EPOV

Great, now what was I supposed to do? I knew where we were going but I had no idea how to get there, no one except for Carlisle and Esme had been there before. I floated around for a little while, trying to figure out what to do and then decided I might as well get something done and start swimming so I sunk down beneath the waves and, since there were no other human or vampire eyes around, began swimming around like a dolphin. It didn't take long for me to realize I was as clumsy in the water as Bella was on land. After five minutes my foot had gotten scratched by fire coral three times, creating an unpleasant tingling in my foot, two turtles and eight piranhas, who didn't belong in these waters, had bitten off pieces of my pants and shirt and a swarm of puffer fish made off with my rubber sandals.

A passing crab pinched my ear and cut off most of the hair on the left side of my head and a couple clown fish had taken up residence swimming in between what little hair I had left. A moray eel had wrapped itself around my left leg, a dozen shrimp were attached to my right arm and a baby squid was clinging to my chest, periodically squirting me in the face with ink. Thankfully I was saved by a group of passing dolphins.

"Oh thank goodness," I said. "Maybe these guys can help me. Now if only I could remember Jasper's lessons about how to speak in dolphin. Oh, what was that name that all dolphins respond to? Flounder? No. Oh, wait, I remember!"

Dolphin's Point of View

"Hollow Shamu," the strange, talking coral monster said.

"Who's Shamu," I asked to no one in particular.

"I don't know," someone replied.

"It's some whale they captured and force to perform tricks. I remember seeing him once down near Florida."

"Oh. Hey guys, why is the coral still talking to us?"

"Seaweed if I know!"

"I am tentacle grape you dolphins need more platypus. Evil lizard and the potato from last hermit crab. We eat sea slugs?" The talking coral monster looked at us hopefully. We looked at one another and it would appear that no one could understand what he was saying. The coral monster looked worried. It made a face that was quickly obscured by a cloud of ink and said slowly and as clearly as it could, "Island. Sparkling. Help monkeys lost. We go?"

We turned to our group leader, after all it was his decision who we would help and who was dangerous and not to be trusted. The group leader surveyed the talking coral monster for a long minute and then turned to us. "Clearly this creature was abandoned by its mother and has minimal knowledge of survival. Therefore we will temporarily adopt it and lead it back to its home on the Sometimes Island Home of the Sparkling Creatures with the One Who Fights Sharks and Calls Them Water-Bears."

EPOV

I think my enormous flattery of the dolphins paid off. They welcomed me into the group and took special care to make sure that I was always guarded and taken care of. At least someone realized how important I was and that I deserved to be pampered. After a couple of hours I was well adjusted to life with the dolphins and even began acting like them. I was leaping out of the waves with them, poking around for food with them, attempted to mate with them, something that was widely and unanimously rejected, and even scaring off sharks with them and saving some unsuspecting fishermen and the occasional surfer.

"Hay Dios mio, es un vampiresa!"

"Iay m ay ot nay a nay ampire vay!"

"HAY DIOS MIO, UN DELFÍN ESTA HABLANDO PIG LATIN!"

"Aww, crap."

And that's how I started the legend of the vampire dolphin that speaks Pig Latin. What? You've never heard of it? Well if you head down to an island in the middle of nowhere you're sure to hear it from the local people. You might want to bring a Pig Latin to English dictionary, though, for whatever reason I couldn't understand what they were saying. It all just sounded like "No hablo su lengua. Yo hablo Español."

Anyway, I settled into a peaceful life with the dolphins and forgot all about the family that abandoned me in the ocean two long hours ago.

EmPOV

I finally gave up on anyone coming back and finding me in the prison cell. The only other things that were back here were giant boxes filled with old Thigh Masters from the 1980s and go-go boots so it was clear that no one had been back here in a long, long time. So I made quick work of bending the bars and sneaking up into the cargo area. That was empty, too, except for one suitcase my family seemed to have forgotten.

I hurried over, thinking that maybe something inside could help me, or at least that I could use to embarrass or blackmail someone in my family. When I opened it up I found the jackpot. "Thank goodness Jasper packed," I said, a malicious gleam already appearing in my eye. Had anyone been around at the time, they would have heard a chilling sinister laugh.

Flight Attendant's POV

I shivered as I closed one of the overhead compartments. A cold chill had just run down my spine, something that only ever happens when someone near me laughs maliciously. But no one appeared to be planning sinister plots. Maybe it had something to do with that flight I was on earlier, the one that was going to South America. There were two strange boys who were having a fight in the aisle, throwing rubber snakes and trying to beat each other for the title of "Most Annoying Person" while on the plane. Still, how could something from that plane follow me halfway across the globe to China, where my new plane was about to take off?

I didn't know and I knew I would never find out. I did know something, however. "The laugh was coming from inside the plane."

The man sitting in his seat across the aisle from where I was standing grabbed onto the shoulders of the woman sitting next to him and said, "I love you, Lisa," and kissed her ferociously.

Lisa, however, was a fellow flight attendant and happened to be nearby and slapped the man across the face. "It's over," she spat before storming away angrily.

BPOV

The ride to our next destination was actually quite short; it only took a few minutes and was just long enough for us to play two games of twenty questions. Alice won both times but the rest of us were always close to the answer. Rosalie said that she was thinking of something hairy, noisy and pants-less, who knew she was talking about Newton and not Chewbacca from Star Wars? Then the Cullens were helping me off the boat again and this time I found myself on dry land. Dry, sandy land. I heard Jasper and Carlisle unloading the luggage and then the boats sped away.

"Ah, we're just in time," Esme said. "Bella, you are about to see the most beautiful sunrise of your life." I felt the pillowcase being tugged off my hand and then the blindfold was slowly loosened and taken away. I blinked a few times, my eyes adjusting to gentle pre-dawn light. It was just light enough for me to make out my surroundings. A soft, endless beach with lush green grass and a small forest of trees behind it and beyond that rising curves and faint lights of a . . .

"Is that an amusement park in the distance?"

"Yep, I'll explain that later, keep looking around."

I continued my 360 degree view and noticed a shallow stretch of water that connected this island with another one roughly the same size a short ways away. This island was similar to the first but there were fewer trees and there seemed to be a pathway in the middle, perhaps leading up to a house, since there didn't seem to be one on this island.

"It's beautiful," I said. "But where are we?"

"Bella, welcome to Isle Esme and Isle Carlisle!"

"Wow," I said, at a loss for words, looking around the lush islands. "Wait; is it okay for you guys to be out here?"

"Oh yes, it's completely deserted, we own the islands and no one comes near here unless we call for the boat. We're completely safe."

"Cool. Oh, look at that sunrise!" I turned and saw Rosalie, Alice and Jasper lined up on the shore line, shoes behind them, feet in the water, watching the sun rise over the horizon, their skin already glimmering. I rushed over and got a wonderful surprise. "There are even dolphins!" I squinted out into the distance until Esme handed me a pair of binoculars, smiling serenely. I held the binoculars up to my eyes and got a better look at the dolphins. "Wait a minute," I said, as they jumped out of the water. "One of those looks kind of funny."

"Give me those," Rosalie said. She squinted out at the dolphins for a minute. "Oh good," she said. "It's not Emmett, you know that almost seems like the kind of thing he'd do."

"No, Emmett wouldn't do that," Carlisle said. "He'd go for something we would be sure to notice." We all looked expectantly towards the sky, waiting to see if Emmett would suddenly appear. "Guess not," Carlisle sighed. He passed the binoculars back to me and said, "That's not what Emmett would do. That's something that-"

"Edward," I screamed.

"Yes, Edward would be the one to do that."

"Or me," Jasper piped up.

"No, sweetie, you'd have a sequined fish costume if it were you."

Jasper smiled and laughed, "You know me so well." He kissed Alice.

"No," I said. "I mean that's Edward out there in the ocean with the dolphins!"

"WHAT," everyone yelled in unison. Sure enough, that was Edward and once we all started shouting and making a human pyramid, with Alice holding a fog horn and a flood light on top, he finally started making his way towards us. He stopped before he reached the shore and said something to the dolphins in some strange language and then splashed in way in towards us.

"I'm so glad I finally found you," he gasped. Up close we could see that he was covered in sea life, his pants were all but gone, his shirt had gaping, jagged holes in it and he was missing half of his hair. "I have been swimming for weeks and I didn't know if I was ever going to find you. It was two days before I managed to find those dolphins and they were the ones who led me here. If not for them, I'd still be lost at sea!"

"Edward," Rosalie said, "It hasn't been days, or weeks, it hasn't even been hours. You were gone for 30 minutes."

"Edward," Jasper spat, "Were you paying attention to any of the dolphin lessons I gave you? You just said 'Stinky sock, smelly shoe' to those poor dolphins! You're a disgrace to all dolphin speakers." Jasper spun away and marched towards the house

"Oh, was that all? It seemed like much longer when you were out there. And that would explain why the dolphins couldn't understand a word I was saying. Well, shall we go inside?" And he strode past us and headed off towards the house. We exchanged looks but headed inside anyway.

The Cullen's beach house looked a lot like their regular house, with big bay windows, tan hardwood floors and a lot of light beach colors on the walls. We all washed the sand off our feet and headed inside to unpack. Edward was using the bathtub down the hall from our bedrooms and singing loudly while we worked and we all assumed he was washing away all the sea life. Why we assumed he was doing something normal when "normal" usually involved cross-dresses and minor copyright infringement we don't know. Unfortunately we discovered that Jasper had done the packing and each suitcase was filled with only one type of clothes: one case for pants, one for socks, one for bikini tops, one for bathing suit shorts, etc. And of course we were missing the suitcase with all our underwear in it.

"Don't worry Bella," Esme said. "We'll work all this out. Why don't you give Edward a set of clean clothes and a towel?" She handed me the clothes and pointed me down the hall to the bathroom.

I knocked tentatively, afraid that I'd open the door and Edward would be naked. Or worse, Jasper would naked. "Edward, you better be decent!"

"I'm more than decent. I'm fi-ine."

"You know what I meant! Are you clothed or at least covered?"

"Yes."

"Good." I opened the door cautiously. "Esme wanted me to bring you a-AAAAAHHHH!" Edward had turned the bathtub around and was lying on his stomach facing me. He was sucking in his cheeks and making a fish face and flopping around, splashing water everywhere. To top it all off he had on a rainbow sparkly cocktail dress and kept chucking goldfish at me. "That's it," I said as a goldfish hit me in the eye, "I'm out of here."

I slammed the door and marched down the stairs, ignoring all the goldfish in my hair, and going past Emmett and Rosalie's new room. "Bella, wait," she yelled. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know, but I'm not staying here!"

I got all the way down the stairs before Rosalie had caught me by the shirt and was spinning me around. "What happened? What are you doing?" I popped open the buttons on my shirt, spun out of the sleeves and was shirtless and out the door in two seconds flat. Unfortunately Rosalie outside and grabbing my skirt in two and half seconds flat. "What is going on here, Bella? This may be a deserted island but that doesn't mean we can't still see you."

"Oh please, Jasper's practically a girl and Edward is a fish!"

"Is that what this is about?"

"No!" I unzipped my skirt and was storming across the sand in a bra and bathing suit bottoms in the next second.

"Bella, why aren't you wearing underwear? Never mind. Look, I don't know what's upset you so much, Edward's always acting weird, this time he's just doing it in an exotic location. Bella, you just need to put on your big girl panties and deal with it!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I DON'T HAVE ANY PANTIES!"

BOOM

"You do now," Rosalie said.

"COWABUNGA!"

JPOV

Alice finally got roped me into helping unpack and I was in the middle of sorting all of Edward's socks into rainbow knee-high, rainbow thigh-high, women's, rainbow ankle socks, lace and rainbow toe socks when I heard Bella's heartfelt confession that she had forgotten to pack underwear. The good news was that I had plenty of extra ones for her to borrow. I hope she doesn't mind penguin print thongs.

"Jasper, keep working," Esme scolded.

"Sorry, Esme." I finished sorting Edward's socks and then started organizing his cocktail dresses into sequins, fringe, feathers, or all of the above. I looked up for a moment and discovered that it had started raining outside. But it wasn't any ordinary rain. "IT'S RAINING PANTIES!" I ran outside, giggling like a schoolgirl.

EsPOV

"JASPER! Don't make up ridiculous lies about-oh, I guess it is raining panties." I went back to folding and sorting clothes. "Maybe this means that Emmett is home." I held up a pink mono-kini bathing suit with rhinestone flowers over it. "Now, is this Edward's, Jasper's or Carlisle's bathing suit?"

BPOV

There was a giant boom and then suddenly panties starting raining down from the sky. We both looked up, constantly throwing bras and panties off our faces and caught a clear view of Emmett sailing down through the air holding onto something that looked suspiciously like a bra.

"Where's the-" there was a heavy thunk and a spray of sand as the suitcase landed a foot away from where Rosalie and I were standing. "There it is."

We watched as Emmett glided down and landed gently in the water. He swaggered over to us and held out the bra. "Rosalie, I believe this belongs to you. I must thank you. If it weren't for your-" There was a loud smack as Rosalie slapped Emmett across the face. He was still smiling though one side of his face looked significantly more scrunched than the other. "Hi, Bella," he said, turning to me. "My, you're looking particularly naked today."

I looked down and screamed, instantly turning bright red. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten that I was in my underwear. I turned and ran back into the house, trying to cover myself with my arms.

RPOV

I don't know why Bella was so embarrassed. She had worn a lot less in front of us. Look at that bunny outfit during Halloween when we made that Vampire-O-Lantern. Then again, she'd be wearing a lot less in front of us soon if Alice and I got our way and were allowed to dress her for the beach. But she still blushed red and ran into the house, slamming the front door behind her. A few seconds later she was running back outside, still screaming with her arms still covering her. She grabbed a pair of underwear out of a low branch of a tree and ran back inside.