Pianissimo

As if I never existed…

By

Ginger_Snapp

The pain was terrible. She had cried so hard, until finally she fell asleep, right there on the piano bench. The air was chilly in the music room, and it felt good on her skin. The piano was cold and hard, and it was easy to fall asleep. Crying always left her eyes heavy and tired. A warm hand shaking her awake, a stark contrast to the cold arms of her dreams. Dazed and sore, she jerked up, and knocked over the piano bench.

"Wh-what?" she mumbled in confusion. Her vision focused and the frizzy haired blond she had seen earlier looked at her strangely.

"Are you…okay?" she asked warily, as if she was afraid Bella might attack her or do something else equally odd. Bella closed her eyes and squeezed them shut, trying to get the sleep out of them that way. The girl waited for a reply briefly, but then just made her own assumptions. Usually, it was easier that way for Bella. People just supplied their own answers for life. "Look, man, I understand you cutting class. Everyone needs a few extra hours in the mornings. But I've got to practice, and lessons start in a few minutes, so…."

Bella focused on the girls face. Her eyes were large and blue, well suited for her wide face and puffy cheeks. She wore a navy blue chorus tee-shirt and a handkerchief around her hair to keep it tamed. The girls words confused her, though. "Wait, what?" her voice came out as a croak from so much sleep. The girl stared her down, not in a mean way, but curiously. As if she were trying to figure out what this strange creature on her piano really was.

"Don't mean to be rude, kid, but you look like crap. Testing that bad for ya? I know, I've got one in third today." Obviously the girl liked to talk, but the words made no sense. The day was over.

"Wait, wait. What time is it," she asked, running a hand through her hair to try and smooth it down. Surely she hadn't slept that long.

"'bout five till noon. It'll be fourth in-"

"WHAT?" There was no way she had slept that long. She was tired, but she never, ever slept that long. Because of dorm rooms, Bella had had to break her habit of screaming. It caused chaos. People running and shouting, jumping on beds and running for the doors. Ten million people had tried to run into the room. It had been over the whole school. Bella had gone home and tested herself. And finally, she had gotten into the habit of waking up just before the screaming started. So maybe she could be tired, because she woke all the time.

But not this time. Bella could remember no dream of sin or sorrow in her sleep. Obviously she had not woken up, so that must have meant she didn't have the searching dream. The first time in….

"I've got to go," Bella rushed away and grabbed her stuff, sending the violin cases and the boxes of other assorted instruments tumbling. "Uhh…Uhh..Bye!" And then she just ran. Because she was realizing something. Some small epiphany in her head that she needed to think through.

Out the door, she heard the girl murmur, "Ummm, Bye?" like it was a question. But Bella kept running until she was outside, sitting under her favorite willow tree. But that wasn't enough. She wanted to be alone, out in the sunshine but secluded. And so, it took her nearly five minutes to find a good place to grab, and several failed attempts to climb up. Once she was as far as she could go, he found the perfect nook and lay back. Vines surrounded her like a curtain, shielding her from prying eyes though the Yard was nearly empty. And then she opened up her mind and explored her thoughts.

If she had slept dreamlessly, It could mean many things. But only one seemed right in her mind, though it seemed the least likely. She was healing. What could that mean? She examined last night.

She had sobbed, letting it all out. But, as horrible as it was, the squeezing contractions of her heart as it did summersaults in her chest, the pain was less than before, though she had permitted herself to go farther than she 'd ever gone. She felt the hole, trying to gauge its size, like examining a toothless gum that was closing up again. Was it any smaller? She didn't want to know. Because one thing she feared above all else.

Healing would be wonderful. It would be lovely to forget everything and be happy, to live her life normally as if he never existed. As if he'd never existed…. Just like he had said. Such a foolish promise. But what if it came true? If she healed, would her memory heal too? Would she loose the pictures in her head, never hear his voice even in her memory? Would she be able to conjure up his sent in her nostrils again? Could her mind, like a sieve, loose every moment of the happiest days of her life? If so, she didn't want to heal. She didn't want to lose him. It was more than she could bear. If she were to live in blissful ignorance of all that had passed, she would not feel the pain, but neither would she ever look back to the happiness. She couldn't lose him more than she already had.

But there was one thing she could try and do, to keep the memories fresh in her head, to make sure threat the pain tore open the hole that kept those memories alive. Bella didn't want to heal. And so, she would make sure she didn't. In fact, Bella experimented with it now.

The easiest thing to manage would be something close to what she had just done. A piano memory, since she knew she could handle piano, maybe she could also handle the thought of it.

"Clair de Lune?" I asked, surprised.

"You Know Debussy?" He sounded surprised, too.

"Not well," I admitted. "My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house – I only know my favorites."

"Its one of my favorites too." He stared out through the rain, lost in thought.

I shuddered back to reality, clutching my sides. It hurt, oh, how it hurt! The clutch was instinctive, and I had almost lost my balance on the limb. I quickly grabbed it, risking falling into pieces inside rather than breaking into pieces on the outside. The pain was so bad, but I waited for it to stop. I felt terrible, but I still remembered. That was good. I probably wouldn't need another memory in a while. All the same, I didn't want to take any chances. I thought to try for another, but I rejected it, knowing the one I had in mind would be a lot longer and harder to keep myself together. Definitely not something for a tree top sitting.

But by now, I was scared. I had just taken up a real memory, not a delusion, and not fallen out of a tree. That is hard for me to do when I'm perfectly fine, never mind gasping over with pain. This was not good. As crazy as it sounded, I was actually terrified of loosing those memories. Though it seemed like they were planet forever, forever now had a new definition, and her memories were not included in it. Faced with the choice of losing him or hurting constantly, she knew what she would choose. But It was hard for Bella, very hard, at the thought of those big memories, the ones she wanted to relive. The pain was too great now, and instinct kept her from pulling them out. But there was one thing she had proved she could handle. It had drudged up memories and brought pain and sorrow. It had made her remember him better than any other time. It had felt as if he was with her, the most beautiful of all phantoms and spirits. It was a perfect compromise. Remember, but not memories. Pain, but not torture. It would be the closest she could get to her phantom, if only she could learn to play it.

And so, Bella took nearly the rest of the period to climb slowly and carefully down. Forcing down her fear and building up her courage and determination, she picked up her binders and books, and went off to try and find the blond musician. If anyone could help her hold on, it would be that girl.