The Great Wide Open
Thoughts of suicide weren't unknown to Edward. The guilt of so many people's deaths, the loneliness of being on the wrong side of the Gate, it all built up into this almost overwhelming weight on his shoulders sometimes. It would come and go, and normally when he would least expect it.
"Happy birthday to you!" The party sang, smiles all round, flashes from a camera, and the joyful screeching of the young girl at the head of the table, her face lit up by the warm glow of the 6 birthday candles on her cake. "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Elysia... Happy birthday to you!"
Edward was in this picture, grinning away as if everything was ok, although whenever he looked at Maes, his heart was saddened in memory of his Maes, the man who was killed in the line of duty, and of his small family who still mourn his death. When he looked at all the happiness in this life, he remembered all the sadness back home.
He sat at the large family table, Maes to his left and Noah to his right, smiling and eating his way through his second slice of birthday cake. He would occassionally nod and chuckle at appropriate parts of the conversation, and indulge Elysia with talk about how grown up she is and how soon she will be looking after her poor aged parents. Maes gushed to anyone who would listen about how beautiful a young lady his baby had become, and Noah listened happliy, fooling herself that these people were her family.
That was harsh, Edward scolded himself for thinking like that. Maes and Gracia invited her with open arms to be part of their family. For all intents and purposes this was her family. The invitation extended to himself, but his own melancholy stood in the way of that.
Before he knew it, the party was over, Elysia was put to bed, and he and Maes were sitting opposite each other at the table, smoking and playing cards, in the soft twilight of the single oil lamp on the table.
"How are things these days, Ed?" Maes asked with a gentle smile. "How does a scientist fill his days after he's won The Big One?"
Edward concentrated on his hand of cards as he spoke. "I've been thinking alot. And drawing."
Maes let out a cheerful laugh, almost too cheerful. "So, not content with just being a scientist, you have to be an artist too!"
"Alot of great scientists were decent draughtsman. Take Darwin for example."
"You study too hard, you know that?" Maes said, shuffling his hand a little, before deciding that he had lost, throwing the hand down on the table. He sat back, crossed his arms and smiled. "Try taking a break. Travel with Noah, see the world!"
Edward silently gathered up the cards into a deck and shuffled them, staring intently into the flame of the oil lamp.
"Now, Ed, I know you like being on your own, recently. And I foolishly allowed you to move to England so you could hide away from everyone who cares about you." Maes was serious now, his voice quiet. "But this isn't healthy." He hesitated. "Would your brother want this?"
"Does it matter what Al wants?" Edward sighed, miserably. "He's not here. He probably doesn't remember me anymore."
Maes glared from across the table. "It's only been 7 years; the boy is not going to forget his brother." A second passed, and Maes' glare returned to his usual cheeky smirk. "After all, from the stories you tell, I doubt your world would let him forget your existence."
"Maybe you're right." They sat in silence for a few minutes, while Edward carefully put the cards away and lit a cigarette. He took a long drag from it and offered it to Maes. He shook his head so Edward took a second drag from it and sat back in his chair. "Elysia is growing up fast, don't you think?" He said, smiling, changing the subject to one that Maes couldn't resist. He half listened, half dreamed of returning home, but he couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that it could only ever be a dream.
That night, Edward dreamed that he was drowning. He struggled to reach the surface, to take a breath of air, but couldn't. He couldn't die like this. He had to see his brother again. He felt his body growing weak, but still he fought against the depth of the water, trying to reach that shimmer of sun light, taunting him with freedom, and air. When his energy was almost completely drained, he gave in and sucked in the dream water. He awoke with a start, the cold sweat on his skin clearly visible in the moonlight. Noah was standing in the corner, clasping her hands to her chest, well aware that she had been caught trespassing in his mind. Again.
"So what does it mean then." Edward asked, a little too coldly, as he lay back again, trying to calm his breathing. Silence. "My dream." He prompted.
"You're overwhelmed - by guilt and sadness."
"I didn't need you to sneak into my room at night to tell me that." Noah crept onto the bed beside him, and held him close. His skin was cool and clammy but she pressed herself against him, warming him with her own body heat. He sighed, his body trembling as he did. He turned to her, allowing himself to be cradled in her arms.
"I'm so sorry, Ed."
Noah returned to England the following week. Edward had decided to stay in Germany for a while, where he could re-read some notes regarding the Thule Society. Surely he had missed something the first time, something to bypass the alchemic powers needed to open the gate briefly, something that would leave no trace and couldn't be used by anyone else in the world. There just had to be.