the bottom of the barrel
once upon a time there was an 11 year old named Emma . she was a witch and she's known so for a very long time so when she got her acceptance letter form hogwarts she wasn't surprised , only excited for the adventure that awaited her. after methodically packing her trunk with all the necessaries. she picked out the perfect outfit even though she would change into her robes soon. she wore a sky blue fur coat and underneath a dark orange sequinned tube top. she paired this with a high waisted grass skirt and moccasins (they were soooo in). she thought she looked very presentable and that the outfit gave everyone insight of her true colours. after a short drive she arrived at platform 9 3/4 and said a halfhearted farewell to her parents. she flipped them off as she boarded the train. what could they do anyways. she walked through the train looking for someone to sit with. her eyes fell on a boi with a mess of chestnut brown hair and buckteeth. he was wearing an alligator skin jumpsuit and light up sketchers. Emma always liked making friends with people who were below her. this kid was obviously at the bottom of the barrel ... maybe he wasn't even in the barrel. she sat next to him and introduced herself,
"hi! i'm Emelia Lewis, but you can call me Emma."
"hey," he said tentatively "i'm neville longbottom"
"EW!" she couldn't stop herself from saying "longbottom??"
he looked down
"sorry" she apologised, "ever consider changing your name legally?"
neville shrugged
"sorry didnt mean to get off on the wrong foot."
they talked for a while before neville shrieked in surprise
"MY TOAD"
Emma sighed, this could be a long school year.
when they got to school it was sorting time. she had a feeling neville would be a squib. she knew she was a ravenclaw. surprisingly neville got into griffendoor, shocking all. though they were in different houses, it didn't damage their friendship
four years later
neville had become slightly less awkward and the two had become very close. not as friends ...
the only problem was that Emma was embarrassed by neville and wanted to conceal their relationship.
"i️ really like you neville but i️ think we need to keep this under wraps" said Emma
"i️ don't understand" neville stated. he wanted the whole school to see he could actually get a girl and he wasn't the lamest out there. he had attracted bullies rather than hotties - and Emma was a hottie for sure. he liked what she wore on her days off when she didn't have to wear her uniform. she expressed herself. some of her outfits included a hotdog dress, a cotton ball smock, a gilly weed corset, and a giant crow hat. of course when she was wearing her robes, she adorned her hair with various objects and hats (she had unique hair styles too). one time she had even braided some of neville's hair into her own. he had liked that.
during christmas break, Emma went over to neville's house because her parents disowned her (she may of deserved it because she spent her free time forcing them to watch hours of jay hay the jet plane) neville went to the bathroom and she was alone with his grandmother. she seemed like a crabby old lady but Emma was into older people anyways.
"i️ must teach you a lesson" she said suddenly
"what?"
"you think he is an embarrassment" she said firmly
"no no i️ dont .. it's just ... the barrel.. i️ wouldn't expect you to understand "
"i️ know very much about barrels thank you very much" augusta (neville's grandmother) yelled
"i️ studied barrels for six years !!!" Emma yelled back
"I️ DEVOTED MY ENTRIE LIFE TO STUDYING THE BARREL!!!!" augusta shot back
regaining her composure , augusta, who was now eerily calm, said "i️ will teach you a lesson, and this is for using my grandson and for challenging my barrel knowlage!"
"WAIT" Emma pleaded
"you will forever be at the bottom of the barrel" she said, grinning wildly
"NOOO"
"LEMURIOUSUS LEMURIUM!!!!!!!" augusta shouted in fury
and then, Emma was a lemur.
neville came back into the room.
"what's all this racket about," he asked "grandma? Emma?"
he looked at her in confusion and then Emma leaped out of the window, down down down 34 stories. she retreated to the wilderness. she slept that night, in the bottom of an empty barrel.
several years later she had finally grown used to being a lemur
that morning she was very far from neville's house now and wanted to go to town to get food. she ended up going to cowboi express and on her way she passed best western plus. oh how she wished to stay there. when she reached her destination she was casually sipping her orange chicken juice (well remind you she's still a lemur). she recognised a strange group that has entered through the exit of the store . she knew them as the most well known cult in europe, the muppets.
"we couldn't help but notice that your interesting composure for a muppet" kermit said
"i'm not a muppet" she said indignantly
"what are then a furry?!" gonzo inquires
"dear god no!" Emma replied
"JOIN OR DIE" miss piggy screeched
"ID RATHER DIE!" Emma yelled
"THEN YOU WILL PERISH IN OUR WRATH!" fozzie bear bellowed
she flipped them off as the walked out of the store
she had gotten down the street when she looked behind her quickly . to her surprise she say the muppets in a giant tank and they had huge rifles and began to fire at her
"WE ARE ANYTHING BUT NOT TRUE TO OUR WORD! YOU HAD A CHANCE TO JOIN US BUT ITS TOO LATE NOW !!"kermit screamed
as they chased her she lunged into the empty barrel. they passed without a second glance.
wow, she thought, being at the bottom of the barrel saved my life. maybe while studying barrels she was blind to the fact that being at the bottom of the barrel could be good? nah. she'd rather be at the top. her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of nine voices.
oh no she thought, those twats will blow my cover! she crept out of the barrel and accidentally stepped on some dry leaves which rusted beneath her. she jumped out of the dense tangle of trees and vines
there was a pretty girl with an immaculate broach on her chest that looked very familiar and she looked at Emma and screamed
"WAIT NO!" a voice she recognised yelled
neville ? she thought
oh no that wasn't good they had a short argument about her and left. she followed and hoped they wouldn't notice her. they stopped in front of shreks house and the brown haired girl was ushered in by the shrek himself. suddenly Emma remembered where she had seen the broach . Emma had spent much of her time researching what to do to make her not a lemur anymore and the broach had appeared many times. there's only one thing to do. she grabbed the phone she kept in her ear and dialled '343-434-3434'
"hellllloooo" and awfully familiar voice said cheerfully
"derek, hansal! i️ need your help!"
derek and hansal were male models and old friends of Emma
"it comes with the special revenge on a certain green creature "
"NO! the very one who beat us in the walk off?"
"yes. that one" Emma replied
"well be right there." they said together
shrek died and Emma the lemur was in the headquarters for dereks derelicte line.she crushed the broach and drank its contents
she turned back into Emma . she was naked and derek and hansal stared she rolled her eyes and demanded one of the derelicte designer dresses . she ended up wearing a dress made of the plastic found in a whales stomach and a meat carcass shawl. she lived being herself again.
she went off to seek out neville and after a while she found him
"Emma?? what? i️ thought you were a lemur?"
"yeha i️ was thanks to you" she said, her voice laced with venom
"i'm sorry i️ never meant for this to happen"
"I️ SPENT FOUR YEARS AS A BLOODY LEMUR YOU PRICK I️ COULD HAVE BEEN STUDYING BARRELS!!!" she screamed
"my grandma ... she gets upset when someone challenges her barrel knowlage . she - she always said that i️ was at the bottom of the barrel and no one at the top of it would want to associate with me ever. but i️ met you and now i️ feel like i'm at the top when you look at me! when i️ lost you i️ spent minutes looking for you! and i️ always used cacti after cacti to replace you and nothing could !"
they kissed then. Emma felt fine about it , besides, he did glow up.
just then the muppets had been getting busy in their tank if you know what i'm saying . they accidentally drove their tank into the house that neville and Emma were in. they died in seconds. the muppets emerged from their tank. kermit looked at Emma's corpse and said "we are anything but true to our word "
To be continued