"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt." — John Green, The fault in our stars
The phone just didn't want to stop... Nina was playing with the thought to throw it against the wall, but in the last moment – when the device was already in her hand – she changed her mind. There were six missed calls and two texts from her brother... She ignored them deliberately, but when the new incoming call flashed through the screen - saying 'Vik' and showing a picture where Viktor and she were posing with their gold medals after a Grand Prix final (Senior and Junior champions, she was thirteen and recently moved into Viktor's studio apartment because she couldn't bear the tension at 'home' and her brother was away for a longer time) – blinding her for a few moments, she decided to give up and lifted the phone to her hear.
"Viktor..." She yawned. "It's the middle of the fuckin night-"
"Nishen'ka, sorry for waking you up..."
"Sergey?" Nina instantly became wide awake as she recognized the voice. "What happened?"
"Your brother is still here and..." The end of the sentence fell into an awkward mumbling.
"Let me guess..." Nina threw her blanket onto the side and sat up. "He is completely drunk and you need me to get him home before he humiliates himself or the place even more..."
"Well, it's not that he is humiliating, but-"
"Don't worry, it's not going to be my first time to drag him home when he is wasted and sure it's not the last either. I'll be there soon." The girl hang up and with a resigned sigh, she started to dial her favourite taxi company who were always there in a few minutes, took her everywhere and never asked questions – of course, for a good amount of money in exchange for the 'luxury', but wealth was one of the few things with what Nina never had problems.
"Oh, for Christ's sake... Viktor... You supposed to be a grown man..." Regardless of the situation – namely that her brother somehow paid off the musicians who where there for that night, to play Cossack music for him and he was loaded – Nina had to stop for a while to admire her brother's dance skills... Even now, there was some elemental grace in his movements which seemed to be imprinted so deeply into him, that not even that prestigious amount alcohol what he drank could deracinated it.
"Vik..." Nina waved to the musicians to stop and grabbed the older Nikiforov's arm. "Vik, enough."
"Ninac...hka?" The young man tried to focus on her sister.
"Yes it's me."
"My only, very talented baby sister..." Viktor pulled Nina into a suffocating, tight hug. "Zvezda moya..." He mumbled.
"Yes, yes, of course." Nina pushed him away gently and put his jacket – what she collected earlier from a chair – around her brother's shoulders. "Just come with me already..."
"Where are we going?" Viktor sheepishly let the girl led him towards the door.
"Home, my sweet brother... home."
"But I want to dance some more!" The silver haired skater whined.
"The night is over here, Vik." Nina lied easily.
"Re-really?"
"Sure... So come home with me."
"Are we going together?"
"Yes, we are." The girl agreed. "I just said that."
"Really?"
"Promise."
"Good." Viktor nodded.
Nina was finally able to drag him to the elevator, than squeeze him into the taxi, after out of the car, led him into his building with an another elevator and finally get him into his apartment, without the young man causing any ruckus – he only wanted to sing and dance with her twice.
"Here we are..." Nina leaned Viktor against the wall until she calmed Makkachin down – the dog was thrilled to see both of them at the same time - she closed the door, than helped him into his bedroom, stripped him down to his underwear and tucked him in.
"You should be the one doing this..." She sighed. "I am the teenager, or what. Stay here until I come back."
"Where are you going?" Viktor pouted.
"Just to the kitchen."
When she returned, she had a white pill and a big glass of water in her hand.
"Take these." She showed the pill into his brother's mouth. "Drink." She ordered, and gave him the water. "Good. And now, sleep."
"But I don't wanna..."
"I said, SLEEP."
"Are you staying?"
'You are a mistake.' Viktor's words came back to hit Nina before she could answer, so she just shook her head.
"No."
"But I want you to stay..." With that, Viktor grabbed his sister's arm and pulled her into the bed next to him.
"Nikiforov, did you lost your mind? I'm not staying, and definitely not sleeping with you!" Nina wriggled and fluttered, trying to get out from the squeeze of the arms tightly wrapped around her body. "Let me go! Hey! I said, let me go!"
"No."
"VIKTOR!"
But it was useless and Nina knew it. Her brother was much bigger and stronger than her, so he easily pinned her to him and to the bed at the same time.
"Zvezda... moya..." Viktor breathed on a slushy voice – the painkiller Nina gave him finally kicked in – and buried his face into her sister's neck. His breathing became calm and steady in no time, but he didn't loosen his arms.
"Great... Just... perfect." Nina grunted. She felt an unexpected weight at her feet and she saw a bunch of brown fur placing itself onto the blankets. Makkachin yawned, scratched his ear and was asleep in a moment like his owner, so now Nina was staring into the darkness of the room accompanied with nothing, but two set of calm breathing. Viktor's body was warm against hers – she didn't bother to change before she went back to the bar, so she was in her pj's: a pair of old, baggy joggers and a long sleeve, they both belonged to her brother formerly – and even though she didn't want, she felt so calm, so safe... She had to remind herself what he said earlier, and her body became stiff instantly. She tried to get out from the young man's hug for one last time, but Viktor moved a little and muttered something under his breath, squeezing Nina even more, so the girl just shrugged mentally and closed her eyes too.
When she finally woke up, she was alone between the sheets. It was still dark outside and now gloomy because of the heavy shower. The wind was tossing the rain to the windows and big drops were chasing down each other on the glasses.
"What the-" Nina sat up and rubbed her eyes. As she looked around, everything came back to her from earlier... "Shit..." She muttered. The bedroom's door was closed, so she assumed her brother went out for something and didn't want to wake her up while he was making noise... and to confirm that, the door slowly opened and Viktor tumbled into her field of vision with an enormous glass of water. His hair was a mess, – an another treat they shared, being shock-headed when they wake up, especially after a longer night – and with his face being pale and worn, he looked like the example of what is being shown under the word 'hangover' in dictionaries.
"Good Lord..." Nina chuckled and had to recognize her voice is still a little bit hoarse from yesterdays' crying.
"What?" Viktor growled.
"Well... You look... Know what? I won't lie, you look like shit."
"I feel like I was trampled down by an elephant."
"You deserve it. Drinking that much..."
"Couldn't you give me more sympathy? I'm dying here!" Viktor put down the glass and threw himself onto the bed, next to her sister.
"Good." Nina commented.
"You are so mean..." The older Nikiforov complained.
The girl shrugged.
"See all the fucks I give? Me neither."
"We need to do something about your language..."
"No, we don't. Especially, because there is no 'we'..." Nina sighed. Does she really wants to do this before the sun comes up? Propably not, be she couldn't stop herself. "It's me, and you trying to butt in my life whenever you feel convenient to do it... But let me enlighten this for you again: it does not work like this! You either get the full package, or none of it. I'm not a doll to just play with it, I am a person!" The girl didn't know why she was so angry, her brother just pushed all her buttons and not in a good way.
"You are so sad..." Viktor, ignoring what his sister said, gently touched her cheek with the back of his hand and looked at her, eyes filled with worry and fondness. "Why are you so sad all the time, milaya moya?" He whispered.
"I'm not sad." Nina opposed, trying to ignore those genuine eyes.
"You are."
"Well, maybe because I'm hurt." The girl's voice started to tremble a little.
"Who hurt you, milaya moya?"
"YOU!" Nina shouted and pushed her brother's hand away. She could't stand it, Viktor being so 'brotherly', out of nowhere... Fresh tears were running down on her cheeks, even though she thought she was finished with crying. "Jesus, just get it already! Even you can't possibly think that you smash someone's heart to pieces and then waltz on it again and again as you wish, without any consequences!" She let out a painful chuckle. "But why I'm even trying? You have no idea what it means to be hurt... You never lost anything in your life, not a damn thing!" With that, the girl jumped up from the bed, ran out from the bedroom and Viktor heard she slammed the bathroom door behind herself.
Nina covered her face with her palms, but suddenly she felt something warm on her hand. She peeked out between her fingers and saw Makkachin – who followed her into the bathroom as it seemed. The dog was trying to lick her tears, but Nina wrapped her arms around the poodle and buried her face into it's fur.
"Ninachka..." Viktor knocked on the bathroom's door. "Can I come in?" There was no answer. "Ninachka, please..." Dead silence. Viktor sighed and ran his fingers through his tousled hair. His hangover was still a terrible and he didn't really have the energy for all of this. "I'm going in." He slowly opened the door and found his sister sleeping on the piles, hugging Makkachin to herself.
"Nina!" Viktor hurried to the girl, knelt next to her and carefully touched her hand. "Stupid..." The young man muttered. Makkachin opened his eyes and silently squeaked, like if he was saying 'See? I took good care of her.' "Yes, yes... Smart boy, you kept her warm." The older Nikiforov pet his dog and took his sister in her arms. "Good Lord!" He repeated Nina's words from earlier, doesn't even realizing what he was doing. The girl was like a feather, having almost no weight, he could hold like her like this for hours and wouldn't even feel his arms... She was like a baby bird, so fragile and tiny... Nina didn't even move when his brother lifted her, so he just carried her back to the bedroom and put her into the bed. The clock showed half past three – Nina got him back from the bar around midnight and Viktor originally just woke up to get an another glass of water and a second painkiller – and despite of feeling terrible and the pill what made him drowsy, the young man couldn't make himself to sleep again, so he just snuggled his sister and lie with eyes wide awake, watching the dark ceiling. He didn't know when he finally fell asleep, but he felt only a moment has passed when his eyes popped wide open. First, he had no idea what happened, than he heard Nina. The girl was tossing herself in the bed while she was muttering something what the older Nikiforov couldn't understand because he didn't speak Belarusian, but it was clear his sister is having a nightmare.
"Shhh, milaya moya..." Viktor tightened his hug and pulled the girl to himself. "It's alright, I'm here... I don't let anybody to hurt you... Not even your dreams, so hush now..." He gently stroked his sister's hair and started to sing on a silent, low voice. "Dyenets, moi prekrasný, bayushki bayu, tikho smotrit myesyats yasný f kolýbyel tvayu. Stanu skazývat' ya skazki,
pyesenki spayu, tý-zh dremli, zakrývshi glazki, bayushki bayu." It was his favourite lullaby and the first he learnt, so when Nina was little and she couldn't sleep, he tried to calm her down with this song. A long time passed since he last 'used it', but it came to him so easily like it was just yesterday... "Sim uznayesh, budit vremya, branoye zhityo, smyelo vdyenish nogu f stremya i vazmyosh ruzhyo. Ya sedeltse boyevoye sholkom razoshyu. Spi, ditya mayo radnoye, bayushki bayu." His voice turned into a soft hum, but it already seemed enough to calm down Nina, who was breathing steady and slowly now. Her face was pale and so painfully beautiful, like an angel craved from marble. The slowly fading night lights were dancing between her silky, black locks, emphasizing it's bluish-greenish undertones, giving the impression of soft feathers. "You really look like that princess Snow White, milaya moya." Viktor chuckled remembering the old joke between them about that, and kissed Nina's forehead. His eyelids felt so heavy now and he could hardly hold his head, so he just rested his face on the shoulder of her sister, breathing in the vague violet scent what always came from her hair thanks to her shampoo, and he gave in to sleep in no time.
The rain was still pouring and didn't seem to want to stop anytime soon. Nina tried to search for her phone on the bedside table and she had to realize there is no mobile anywhere... She left it in the pocket of her coat... maybe... or on the kitchen table? When she brought back Viktor, she might put it there... Her fingers found a something at last - and older and prestigious looking, silver pocket watch, it was Viktor's, he inherited it from his grandfather on his eighteenth birthday – and she finally could check the time.
It was quarter to eleven.
"Why didn't you wake me up?"
Viktor finished slicing the tomato, wiped his hand into a kitchen towel and turned around slowly just after this.
"Because, you needed to sleep... You are seriously exhausted and malnourished."
"But-"
"There is no 'but', Nina Nikiforov, that's-"
"My surname is Aristarkh." The girl cut into the other's sentence with a dark expression.
"You are my sister and you share my last name, period."
The younger skater furrowed her brows as she was examining the other. Victor seemed calm and confident, but Nina knew her brother well enough to sense the coming storm behind the lull.
"And what made you so snarky today, brother?" She asked on a dry tone. "Still nursing your hangover?"
"It would be better," Viktor retorted "if you wouldn't be so much trouble! You felt asleep on the bathroom floor! What if Makkachin wouldn't be with you? He was the only reason you didn't froze! And after, I had to wake up in the middle of the night to your nightmare!"
Nina blushed a little.
"Nobody asked from you to do anything... You could let me lying on the floor. It sounds like you could save yourself from some trouble."
Viktor smacked on the counter, making her sister taking a step back. She could count on one hand how many times she saw her brother being that angry.
"It's not about that!" He shouted, his ice coloured eyes throwing sparks.
"Then, it's about what?"
"You and your..." Viktor wanted to say something, but he finally changed his mind. "Stupid ideas."
"Stupid... ideas?"
"About last night-"
"I'm not going to talk about that." Nina stated. "It was enough once."
"Nina, if you just-"
"NO. And I wasted too much time already on you and this whole situation anyway."
"You think, that's a solution? Not caring about it?"
"Why not?" The girl shrugged. "I learnt it from the best, that not caring can be a very comfortable way of living." She headed towards the bedroom to get herself together, when her brother's voice stopped her.
"Kali łaska. Ja sumuju pa tab′e."
Nina turned back so hastily like if she was stung.
"WHAT? You... speak Belarusian?"
"No." Viktor shook his head. "You said that last night too... I can't remember more, but you were repeating these two sentences, for sure. What are their meanings?"
"Please. I miss you." The younger Nikiforov translated unwillingly. "Happy now?"
"What you were dreaming about?"
"I don't remember." Nina lied with an empty face. She knew exactly. "I have so many nightmares, I gave up keeping track... And anyway, I don't really want to remember them, but I think that's understandable. Wait..." Her eyes widened. "I remember a... song... Were you... singing to me? That old lullaby..."
"Of course."
"But it was the middle of the night..."
"Yes."
"And you were tired..."
"Yes."
"With having a serious hangover..."
"Yes."
Nina turned her head down and hid her face behind her hair. It was a childish move, but she couldn't face her brother now. She pressed her lips together, but after just took a deep breath and rushed into the bedroom. After a few moments, she found her old sport bag at the bottom of the closet, dragged it out and poured it's contents to the bed. She fished out her toothbrush and a comb for the first turn, leaving everything else on the sheets.
"How you have that kind of stuff between my clothes?" The older Nikiforov seemed surprised as he tucked his head into the room.
"Viktor, I technically lived here... And I assumed there's going to be a situation like this, so..." Nina let the end of the sentence hanging.
After she was finished in the bathroom and dressed, Nina threw her bag onto her shoulder and was nearly at the door when Viktor stepped into her way, with an artistically wrapped sandwich, a banana and a thermos flask in his hand.
"You can eat it on the way, or after practice, but please, eat something..." He was almost begging. "The sandwich is with avocados and eggs, and I found some chamomile tea left, so-"
"Why can't you just give up?" Nina tried to dance out of the way of her brother, but he was a tough opponent, knowing how to play this game perfectly.
"Viktor, let me go! I'm in a really serious trouble already!"
"Why? Missing one practice?"
"And a morning run and the stretching, and-"
"Nina..." Viktor put down the food, grabbed her sister's shoulders and bent down to get their faces on the same level. He looked into the red-rimmed blue eyes firmly.
"I see you don't want to listen to me as my sister, so now I talk to you as one skater to the other. I don't have to introduce myself to you in that matter, so believe me when I'm saying: I know exactly how much blood, sweat and tears are required to be there where you are now, better than anyone in this word, so, listen to me... If you take one day off, a weekend off, a week off, nothing is going to happen. Nothing! I watched you growing up to be the wonder that you are now, and you are still so young... But if you continue to live like this, tormenting yourself, you are going to lose much more than a few gold medals in the future..."
"Thank you for your advice." Nina removed her brother's arms from her shoulder. "I appreciate that you actually took some time talk to me like as fellow sportsman, for the first time in your life, even though I'm in competitive skating since I was a child, so it only took more than a solid ten years for you, really... But my answer is still the same... You are not my coach, so stay out of this!"
"I talked with your ballet mistress earlier."
"You did what?" Nina was taken aback.
"I took your phone earlier from the bedroom to let you sleep and she called... We talked a little, and she sounded pretty worried about you first, but when I told her you might take this day off because you are with me, she was content... As it seems, not just me, but a former prima thinks you need some rest too... What do you think?"
"You just admitted that you technically stole my stuff and invaded my private life... I guess, don't need to say anything."
Her sister's voice so spiteful, Viktor was surprised she is not spiting venom already, like a poisonous snake. The tension was so high in the air, his breath stilled in his lungs.
"Like how you are TECHINCALLY the dark spot on family's happy life? Or how you TECHINCALLY ruined my parents' relationship? " Victor asked on a cold but steady voice.
Nina's face was a neatly arranged mask, but to her brother's questions, her eyes started to glow with sadness and by the time he was finished, her look radiated raw pain .
"Yes." She muttered on a hoarse voice. "Just like that. Now, can you let me go?"
"Go if you wish..." Victor stepped out from the way and folded his arms in front of himself. He was clearly hurt, but he himself couldn't say what his problem is. Mostly, everything.
Nina already opened the door half, when she stopped. She couldn't leave like this, even though what she heard hurt like nothing else before... But somewhere deep, she knew her brother never really loved her and blamed her, like the same how everybody else... Why would he be any different?
"Viktor..." She said slowly. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" His brother snorted.
"Everything."
"Why are you saying that now?"
"Because we are never going to speak again like this, like brother and sister, so I wanted you to know that at last."
"Why wouldn't we talk anymore?" Viktor released his arms.
"You just told me how you feel... I was almost sure about it, but hearing now made it completely clear."
"So that is what you are thinking?"
"Yes."
"Then, go." Viktor rubbed his temple, seemingly not caring. But when Nina wanted to step out to the corridor, her brother grabbed the door and slammed it in front of her nose.
"And you are priding yourself with being the family's brain..." He scoffed.
"I'm definitely smarter than you." Nina replied without reacting to her brother's harsh tone. "Just tell me what do you want and finish this..."
"You can't possibly believe-"
"That I disrupted your family's peace and deep down you never really liked me either? Viktor, it's fine, I understand." The girl didn't know how she could manage to even say anything, it was like if somebody would choke her and knit her stomach into a really tight knot at the same time. "You kept your distance because you grew tired acting kind towards me, and it was really considerate from you, to try and spare me, but it's better this way, really. You should have said it earlier."
"You would really leave me..." the older Nikiforov's eyes were searching the younger's like if he was trying to see into her soul "that easily?"
"Sure. I would never try to be a nuisance to you... or to anyone else."
"Why?"
"That's not a nice thing to do, you know."
"Liar."
Nina spread her arms. "I don't really follow you... What do you want me to say?"
"Those could be my words too."
"Then, what now?"
The situation reached rock bottom and neither of them knew how to move forward. Nina gave up first, setting the strap of her bag on her shoulder and shrugging a little.
"I have practice. I really need to go."
"Nina-"
"Bye Viktor."
This time, her brother didn't stop her when she left.
Every cell in her body was screaming, but Nina ignored the pain and finished the jump combination. Her sweat stung her eyes and her breaths were ragged and shallow. She was now glad she didn't eat anything today because she would surly throw it up already. The music was finally finished and she gracefully slid to the parallel bars, - not showing her internal crying - assuming her practice is over now, as usual.
"No, no..." Zakhar ordered her back to the ice. "We are not good yet. You need your punishment for skipping this morning, so let's see your pair dance now."
"Vladislav, are you finished?"
"Yakov." The younger man nodded to the older coach, ignoring his skaters around them and after a few moments of hesitation, Nina followed his lead. She greeted Yakov and tried to not look at her brother, who was standing at his coach's side.
"We need the ice a little more, so we have to share, because somebody thought this morning it's okay to slack off... I think it's the bad influence of an older sibling."
Viktor pressed together his lips, but turned away from the man and addressed Nina with his question.
"Did you have any breaks today?"
" Twice." The younger Nikiforov answered, after she got the agreeing nod from her coach.
"How long?"
"Five, each."
"Did you eat anything?"
"No." The short answer came. "I couldn't."
"He didn't let you?"
"Our little pep talk in the morning didn't let."
"Enough chatting, this is not an afternoon tea party! Nikiforov, get away from my skater, Aristarkh, back to the centre! Konstantinov, you too! – Zakhar changed to Belarusian. – Don't think just because you are on the side, I didn't see you!"
Nina skated back to her starting point and shortly, her partner - who was watching her for the last fifteen minutes, instead of practising on his own - joined her. He was a tall, lean, but muscular young man, in his late teens - early twenties. He had longer, brown-black hair and warm, deep brown eyes. He was quite handsome, and he instantly got Mila's attention.
"Who is he?" She whispered.
"Who the fuck cares!" Yuri grunted. "They are on our ice, using our time!"
"You suddenly became quite keen about practising..." The girl giggled and elbowed her rink mate. "It's because of Nina?"
"Shut up!" The blonde Russian muttered. "I have nothing to do with her!"
"Know what? Watch this." Zakhar threw the words over his shoulder. "And try to call yourself a professional after."
Viktor, who was still watching Nina and the other skater, stepped to the parallel bars and gripped it. His face was concerned, excited and curious at the same time. Zakhar walked next to him, and with a grin on his face, he started the music.
zvezda moya - my star [Russian]
Spi mladyenets, moi prekrasný, bayushki bayu, tikho smotrit myesyats yasný f kolýbyel tvayu. Stanu skazývat' ya skazki, pyesenki spayu, tý-zh dremli, zakrývshi glazki, bayushki bayu. Sim uznayesh, budit vremya, branoye zhityo, smyelo vdyenish nogu f stremya i vazmyosh ruzhyo. Ya sedeltse boyevoye sholkom razoshyu. Spi, ditya mayo radnoye, bayushki bayu.
Sleep, my beautiful good boy, bayushki bayu, quietly the moon is looking into your cradle. I will tell you fairy tales and sing you little songs, but you must slumber, with your little eyes closed, bayushki bayu. The time will come when you will learn the soldier's way of life, boldly you'll place your foot into the stirrup and take the gun, the saddle-cloth for your battle horse I will sew for you from silk. Sleep now, my dear little child, bayushki bayu. [Russian]