Letters to Nobody
Lonely. Loneliness. Alone. Aloneness. One word affected the other. One word was worse than the other.
I was both, and I felt wretched. I woke up to the unpleasantness of a congested nose and achy limbs; and as I stared blearily at the drab ceiling of my bedroom, cataloging my aches and pains, I wondered, 'How could missing a stupid letter make me feel so lonely?' I had many other factors that contributed more to being lonely, yet none of them had ever bothered me before. But this letter...this stupid letter to nobody in particular managed to point out how fragile my illusion of contentment was before shattering it without so much as an 'if you please.'
I sniffled ungainly and struggled to get up, but the fatigue in my limbs and the change in my center of gravity only served to make me dizzier. I flopped back weakly as nausea now accompanied the lurching throb of pain in my temples. Fever-delirious tears gathered behind my closed lids as I struggled to figure out the use of my limbs. Tramping up and down a rainy street to look for a letter seemed like a good idea at the time. After the fact, it didn't seem so smart. Everything felt so heavy.
I breathed a sigh of relief as my hand closed over my phone by the bedside table. Wiping away the useless tears, I clumsily flipped open my phone and dialed the store's number.
"Good morning! This is the Tête-à-Tête cafe," a man greeted.
"Ah," I rasped. "Leon-san?" My throat was dry and groggy. I sounded horrible.
"Speaking," said the man. "May I know who's calling?"
"It's Miku. Can you please put Boss on the phone?"
"Eh, Hatsune-san? Are you all right? You don't sound well."
"I don't feel well," I mumbled. "Please put Boss on?"
I heard the sound of Leon clicking his tongue against the back of his teeth. "Of course, Hatsune-san," he said gently. "One second." For a while I listened to the background noise of people setting up for the day. It almost lulled me to sleep until Boss picked up. "Miku-tan?" she sounded worried. "Leon tells me you're not feeling well. You don't have to come to the shop today if you're sick."
"Yeah," I sighed, hearing Boss's dismay at how bad I sounded. "I'm sorry, Boss, I lost track of time yesterday and stayed out in the rain too long."
"Never mind that," she interrupted. "Do you need anything? I can send one of the girls over to drop off whatever you need."
"No, thank you," I tried to sound as polite as I could with my surly-sounding voice. "I'll be fine. I just need to sleep this off."
"Well, all right." Boss sounded skeptical. "I'll be calling to check on you later."
I answered dutifully before shutting my phone and promptly falling back asleep.
The next twelve hours were spent sleeping, and stumbling around the kitchen making instant ginger congee. True to her word, Boss called to make sure I was taking good care of myself. In the silences of our phone conversation, I could hear my co-workers saying in the background, "Get well soon, Hatsune-san!" It felt nice. It soothed part of the ache I didn't know I had until now. Was it loneliness?
Night came, and I was feeling marginally more like myself. I kept the offending letter in the bottom drawer of my bedside table. Even though I didn't want to think about it anymore, I didn't want to throw it away also. The handwriting was too nice to throw away...and I needed to remember my brief moment of foolishness.
—
I stood before a simple desk, hands limp at my sides, waiting for my boss's OK to work. Though I only missed one day of work, everyone was relieved I was all right nonetheless. Boss, however, still needed some convincing.
"You still look pale," she said, looking me critically up and down. I tried not to fidget in the black maid's dress, but I couldn't avoid brushing the inside of my stockinged knees together under her scrutiny. "Take it easy today, all right? If you start feeling dizzy, you should rest in the back."
"Yes."
"Good. Get out there."
I nodded and left the boss's office, shutting the door with a sigh. I stepped out to the bar, where Leon was drying some dessert bowls and two other staff were hanging about, spinning on the stools and giggling.
"It's about time to open," Leon was telling them. "Why don't you two get up and make yourselves useful?"
"But Len's already sweeping the sidewalk," one of the girls, Rin, pointed out. She flipped her short yellow bob with a dismissive hand. "There's nothing else to do."
"Hey, hey, Leon-niisama," the other, Gumi, leaned forward, cradling her chin in her hands. "Will you make me another carrot milkshake today?"
"How about during lunch break?"
"Yes!" the girl threw her arms up and cheered. Then, seeing me, she leaned forward again. "Hatsune-san! You can work? Oneesama said yes?"
I nodded, walking up to stand beside Leon. Ducking under the bar, I picked up a watering can from one of the cupboards and started filling it with water from the faucet. "Yes, which is a good thing. I don't think I could stand staying in bed all day again."
"Oh, you know you just couldn't stand to stay away from our awesomeness," Rin teased, making Gumi giggle. I smiled, shutting off the faucet. "That, too."
Picking up the plastic can, I rounded the bar towards the seating area, intent on watering the hanging plants. But before I could take one step further, Rin stopped me and took the can from my hands, saying, "Come on, Gumi. We forgot to do one other thing after all." She gave me a wink before heading to the nearest basket, pulling it down and tipping enough water over the leaves and soil. Gumi followed close behind with a rag, wiping up where the water spilled. I turned to look at Leon, who was looking on with a serene smile on his face.
"I have a feeling I'm being coddled," I told him.
"It's probably just your imagination," he replied, beckoning me back behind the bar. "Help me put away these sundae bowls."
If that wasn't a salve to my wounded working pride, I didn't know what was. So I did as I was told. The rest of the day went by like that, with everyone taking on the 'heavy' tasks and leaving me with whatever was left. But I just didn't have it in me to be annoyed with them. They were looking out for me in their strange way. I'd have to make it up to them by working harder next time, that's all.
...which was why, when shift change came around to Tête-à-Tête, everyone was still in the shop.
"You guys aren't being obvious at all," I said to the group trying nonchalantly to look as if they were staying behind because they wanted to. Everyone except Leon was in plainclothes and loitering at the bar while the night shift staff slowly trickled in. The older man was on the stepladder, arranging the overhead menus.
"I told you," Len said disgustedly, tossing his banana peel in the trash and grabbing Rin's hand. "Come on," he said, hopping off the stool. "Let's go to the arcade."
"We really want to stay for the night shift rehearsal though," Rin insisted, slapping away Len's hand and pinching it when he tried again ("Ow!").
"Really?" I asked, an excited smile growing on my face as I looked at Gumi. She nodded eagerly. "That's great! Tell me about it tomorrow, okay?"
"What?" both girls exclaimed, following after me as I headed towards the entrance. "Where are you going?"
"I have to get groceries," I said sheepishly. "I was supposed to go yesterday, but you know..."
"We'll go with you!"
I turned to them, no doubt with a puzzled look on my face. "But who'll tell me about the night shift rehearsal tomorrow if you two don't stay here?"
"Leon-niisama can do it. Right, Oniisama?"
"Yes."
"See?"
"But Leon-san's explanations are so boring," I pointed out. "The last time I asked, he just said, 'Sakine-san and Megurine-san sang together while everyone else did their own thing.' And when I asked him to elaborate, he just said, 'Shion-san tuned his guitar while Kamui-san hummed into his sake.' And when I asked him to elaborate further, he just said, 'They practiced their own songs.' He also conveniently forgets about Big Al! Getting answers from him is like pulling teeth! Besides, it's just groceries. I don't need company."
"Here's what we'll do," Boss said, startling me. She must have come out of her office to see what the fuss was about. She leaned over the bar, pointing at the door. "First person to come inside through that door will accompany Miku-tan to the store." Then she pointed to everyone else. "The rest of you will either keep it down or go home. All right? Good." Her voice held a tone of finality to it, and as the owner and authority figure of the cafe, she had considerable power over her employees. It didn't stop me from protesting, however.
"Boss, I can go by myself."
"What did I say about taking it easy today? Either you accept help or you go straight home while someone else does your groceries for you. Ah, good," she nodded satisfactorily as the door behind me opened, making me whirl around to face the newcomer. "Kaito-kun, Miku-tan needs help with her groceries. Go with her."
He came in again today with raindrops in his hair and the shoulders of his jacket damp with rain. His guitar, safe in its soft cover, hung by a strap over one shoulder. Confused, he looked from me to the boss before saying, "Eh..."
We both stood in a semi-frozen state; he, with his hand still on the door handle, and I, with my own wrapped tightly around the straps of my bag. Our expressions were similar in our helplessness until his sense of responsibility kicked in, and his face smoothed into neutral politeness. "Okay," he said, his hand dropping from the door handle.
"You don't have to," I rushed to say, embarrassed that something like this blew so quickly out of proportion. "Really," I said as he removed his guitar from his back. "It's just groceries."
"It's okay," he said over his shoulder, holding his guitar before him as he continued into the shop. "Let me just put this in the staff room." He slipped behind the bar and disappeared from sight.
I sighed, covering my heated face with cold hands. I looked up a moment later to find the morning shift staff looking at me with dreamy faces. Boss was gone, most likely back to her office. Of course they would be relieved, they probably felt fulfilled in their desire to make sure I was all right. I tried to glare at them, but they just smiled sweetly from their perches at the bar.
Kaito emerged later, guitar-free, and joined me by the door. "It's raining outside," he said, gesturing past the clear glass door to the misty rain on the sidewalk. "Did you bring an umbrella?"
"Yes." I pulled out my small, collapsible umbrella from my bag and paused. "Oh, I don't think we'll fit under this."
"That's okay," he said, turning to the umbrella stand by the door, "we can use one of the cafe's." He lifted one of the bigger umbrellas with the cafe's logo printed on its clear plastic canopy. It was bright red with a black handle. Looking at me, he asked, "Good enough?" I nodded, and returned my personal umbrella to my bag.
"Make sure to come back right after," Leon called. "We're reopening soon."
"Okay," Kaito answered as he held the door open for me, gesturing for me to go first. After calling out my own goodbyes, I stepped out, standing under the store's awning and waited while he opened the umbrella. Grey clouds obscured what little light penetrated between the tall buildings, casting the street into premature twilight. Rain and mist further obscured what normally would have been the mess of urban life. I could almost, almost forget that the streets were dirty. "Where to?" he asked as I joined him under the portable shelter.
"The supermarket on the next street," I said, my voice oddly muffled under the umbrella. I didn't know whether to speak louder or if he heard me just fine. But he must have, because he started leading me towards the direction of the store, deeper into the district and farther from the subway station.
We walked together, side by side, mutually dodging other pedestrians and their umbrellas. It was a quiet journey filled only by the sound of rain. I couldn't help but think that I disturbed his routine by pulling him from rehearsal, and I felt bad. I felt worse when I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him about it, to apologize. I was still reeling from the surprise Boss pulled on me.
We reached the supermarket in relative silence. It carried still, wrapping us in a bubble that separated us from the rest of the shoppers. I was very conscious of his presence behind me as I went from aisle to aisle, loading my basket with instant meals, juice, milk, and pudding. Even more still when he wordlessly took the shopping basket from my arm so I could reach for onions, garlic, and other vegetables. He carried the basket from then on, and laid everything out on the checkout counter while I paid for them. The purchases resulted in two bags, which he carried in one hand while he held the umbrella with the other.
Once outside again, with the rain pelting against our shared umbrella, he broke the silence by asking, "Do you live nearby?"
We couldn't have spent more than fifteen minutes in the store, yet night had fallen unexpectedly on the city. The rain-slicked sidewalk glowed with reflected light from the shop signs; a rainbow of colors mixing on the ground. Looking up at his face illuminated by the lights around him and by the soft red glow of the umbrella's shade, I couldn't help but think that he looked dejected. Up until now, I only saw one side of him; the professional side that called for a polite smile and a gentle manner. Although he was no less polite or gentle, this Kaito was sad. The air around him was heavy with something like disappointment.
I wished I could ask him what was wrong. I wished I could cheer him up. But we were total strangers. Our only connection together was Tête-à-Tête. It would be too presumptuous of me if I tried acting like a friend now, wouldn't it?
But I didn't want to give up.
"No," I said with a small shake of my head. "I have to go to the subway now."
A perplexed frown marred his fine brow as we walked back to the way we came. "But why buy groceries here?" he asked, obviously trying to find the logic in hauling around grocery bags in the train.
I chewed on my lip, looking down at the pavement before me. "Ah.. um.. that store sold the brand of pudding I liked," I said. "The one close to where I live doesn't." Though it was true, saying it out loud sounded so silly, even to me.
I heard his near silent huff of breath, and I looked up to his amused smile. His blue eyes, dark in the inadequate lighting, sparked with humor. His lips twitched as he tried to rein in his truer expression, and said, "I see."
I couldn't help the flush of embarrassment overcoming me. "You're laughing," I said, looking away from him and to the sidewalk. My voice betrayed nothing, and I hoped the red glow of the umbrella's shade would mask the color growing on my face.
"I'm not."
"You are. On the inside."
He kept quiet. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him pursing his lips to avoid smiling. Even while dejected, he was still nice enough to spare my feelings. I felt a smile growing on my own face, and I sighed and gave in. "All right. You can let it out," I said. "It does sound stupid."
"No, not stupid at all," he said. His voice sounded strangled and, with the closeness required when sharing an umbrella, I could feel his arm trembling against the sleeve of my shirt. It was proof of his effort to stay neutral and polite.
My smile widened, embarrassment forgotten as an idea took root. "Well, maybe not," I said. "Pudding is an important part of the food pyramid after all. I take my pudding seriously, you know. You can't imagine how much research I put in to find the perfect pudding with the many failed pudding taste experiments that often resulted in terrible stomachaches; and the hunt for the nearest pudding distributor, which happened to be close to my place of employment. Imagine my surprise and my relief. I have found the perfect pudding! My pudding hard work—which I paid for in blood, sweat, and tears—had paid off. And that's how I came to buy groceries here."
A disbelieving laugh slipped from his mouth, so quickly smothered by the constant pour of rain that I wouldn't have believed it happened had I not been paying attention. "He knows how to laugh," I said approvingly as I kept my gaze ahead of me. I wasn't willing to show him how much of an effort it took me to be candid like that. It was embarrassing, but he laughed. That was the important thing. "That's good."
"I didn't mean to," he said apologetically, coughing. "That was rude of me."
"Relax, Shion-san," I chuckled, looking at him and smiling. "Laughter is good for you."
He looked back at me and smiled in return. The heaviness around him was gone and his expression had softened. His smile was like a warm blanket after a day out in the cold. Seeing him like this, it was easy to figure out why he was part of the night shift.
Neither of us noticed passing by Tête-à-Tête.
We were nearing the intersection before the station; we were nearing the place I desperately wanted to be nowhere near yet. Yet my heart started racing in anticipation as my steps drew me closer to that light pole. When will I stop feeling like this? I was doing so well all day. I didn't want it anymore. I had to keep talking if only to tune out the echoing pang in my chest.
"Thank you, by the way," I said, looking at him and anywhere but the post that was gradually looming closer. "For helping me with the groceries," I added, and forced myself to say the thing I wanted to say earlier. "I'm sorry for taking you away from rehearsals."
I was beginning to pick up the details on the posters and fliers stuck to the light pole. I hoped he would say something...I wished he would distract me. We were ten feet away now. The distance was closing in, and I struggled to keep my eyes averted, focusing on the other side of the pavement. Five feet. Four. Two.
At the last second, despite my conscious efforts, I looked...
...and then we were past it.
"Actually," he said as we stopped at the intersection, waiting for the crosswalk signal to change. "I needed the walk to clear my head. So I should be the one thanking you."
He said it with such a serious face that looked out to the passing traffic that I struggled to keep my calm.
"Oh."
The station entrance was bustling with people, but Kaito was patient and held the umbrella over me while I took on the burden of my groceries.
"Are you sure you're going to be all right?" he asked, watching me hang one bag just before the crook of my arm. "Those bags are a little heavy."
"I'll be fine," I assured him, digging through one of the bags with my free hand. "I've been doing this for a while now." When I got everything situated where I wanted them, I looked up at him with a smile and offered him one of the puddings I bought. "Here, Shion-san, in exchange for carrying my bags for me, and for holding the umbrella."
He blinked at me, then looked down at the chilled pudding cup in my hand. My heart started racing again. "But I thought you loved your pudding," he said.
"Don't get me wrong," I said with a wry smile. "I do. Although we never really talked much before, even when we work at the same place, you did something nice for me today. So I'm sharing my treasure with you. Please take it? I promise it's the best pudding you've ever had."
He looked at me for a moment longer, and I fought the urge to fidget when those eyes met mine. Then those eyes crinkled at the corners, and mirth filled those dark blue orbs. I dared not to look at his mouth, at the smile I knew was growing there. He reached out and took the pudding, looking down at the cover. "Better than the pudding at Tête-à-Tête?"
I looked down at the grocery bag on my arm, fussing with it nervously. "I... I've never really tried anything from the cafe other than the lunch sandwiches," I said quietly, frowning. I wondered why I hadn't sampled anything before. It wasn't for the lack of offers; the patisserie chef was always generous with the things he made, and Leon encouraged the rest of the staff to be taste testers. "For someone who loves pudding so much, I think I may have overlooked it," I mumbled.
"That's a good thing, then," he chuckled, making me look up at him. "You've still got more new things to try."
"Yeah," I said. That was one way of looking at things, right?
He smiled, and led me under the shelter of the station. "Take care on your way home, Hatsune-san." He turned around, paused halfway and gestured to the cup in his hand. "Thank you for the pudding."
I waited, watching his retreating back as he crossed the street with the store's red umbrella over his head. I waited until the rain misted crowd swallowed him from my view. Even still I waited for the crosswalk sign to change twice more, watching and counting the cars drive by.
Only then did I allow myself to raise my own umbrella.
Only then did I cross the street again.
Only then, with my pulse ringing in my ears, did I walk up to that lamp post.
There.
Wrapped in clear plastic.
Taped to the concrete post.
A single blank white envelope waited for me.
—
Hello again! Are you doing well today?
When I found out my letter was gone, I felt so relieved. For a while, I thought that nobody was going to pick it up. But it's okay to have thoughts like these once in a while, because it's thoughts like these that keep me going. Worrying is a part of life, right? A person wouldn't be living life to the fullest if that person never worried about anything.
But you know what? If you changed your mind set just a little bit, worrying could turn into hoping instead. Hoping is probably a lot more painful, especially when things don't go the way you hoped they would. But it also goes both ways; the relief that comes from hoping makes you feel a thousand times better afterwards.
So I'm hoping you'll read this letter, too, and I hope you'll feel positive from reading it. We're two strangers taking on the world, right?
It's been raining a lot lately, huh? I hope you're dressing warmly, whoever you are.
—
End Chapter 2: Keep on hoping.
I never intended for this story to be riddled with angst. I'm sorry if this chapter seems too down. Did you know I had to look up the parts of an umbrella? I didn't know what the cover-y part was called, and it turned out to be very straightforward: canopy, shade, or canvas. Haha!
Miku isn't good at ad-libbing. At all. Her Hunt for the Best Pudding oration is horrible.
Morumotto-chi asked a very pertinent question about the story that I'd like to include here: Is this story your own idea, or is it a songfic? It is my own idea (saying it like that is so embarrassing, like saying, 'Yes, I farted just now'). But actually my friend, who is more of a Vocaloid fan than I am, said that this story reminded her of one of Miku's earlier songs: White Letter; in which the item of focus is an anonymous letter and that it makes Miku curious about the one who wrote it.
When I watched the video and read the lyrics, I could understand why my friend made the connection. ….orz
But, no. This story is not based on any songs at all. If you want a soundtrack to listen to while reading, however, I suggest:
Glow - Miku
Crack - Miku
Longing - Miku
Aurora - Miku
Making Sound - Cindy Santini (it has the same feel as Aurora!)
Light Song - Miku
Last Smile - Miku
When the First Love Ends - Miku
Last Night, Good Night - Miku
from Y to Y - Gumi's version by t12111 on YouTube
Telepathy - Gumi and Gakupo
...because I have those on loop while writing this. I guess you could say these songs have an influence in the tone of this story. Especially the keeno songs (Glow, Crack, Longing).
So to Luminous Snow, hewhodoesnotlogin, Morumotto-chi, Nelliegirl101, Banana, and Raven-Raspera, thank you very much for your reviews! I'm so happy that this story is well-received. I'm blown away by the reviews, the favorites, the story alerts! I hope you'll continue to tell me what you think! Even if you don't like it, I'd still like to know~
Thank you for reading! (Also, I'm sorry for the long note. ;- ; )
Disclaimer: Leon [c] Zero-G, Big Al [c] PowerFX , Kaito, Miku, Rin, Len, Meiko, Luka [c] Crypton Future Media, Gumi, Gakupo [c] Internet Co. Ltd. Any names, places, or incidences similar to this story are purely coincidental.
(071611)