RACHEL
He has the nicest, deepest laugh. I grin at what he says. Somehow I can just imagine a little version of him jumping on Jake and punching him in the face. Then again, I can kind of imagine this big version of him doing the same… But just as I'm about to carry on with the conversation, he turns away and barely says he's leaving before actually, well, leaving. I stare after him for a moment, my gas station saviour, and then let out a sigh as I realise that I feel empty all of a sudden, that warm, pleasant feeling of lightheartedness now gone. That I have to get back home and do as I'd initially planned. What was that again? Right. Chores. Laundry. Dinner. And then worry about how I'm going to sort out these financial issues.
It doesn't help any when I finally get around to cooking and realise that we're out of so many things. I can't even afford to pay for the gas to run my car, and now we're running out of food? Please say it isn't so… I feel my head start to spin at the realisation that we're really getting into trouble here. Just as the tears are about to start, I hear Jacob letting himself in through the front door. I quickly pull myself together before he notices something's wrong.
That evening, we sit down for dinner together as usual. I'd somehow managed to dig around the kitchen and put something together. I try to keep myself smiling, even joking along with them. Dad compliments my cooking as he usually does, and Jake pokes fun at me, saying I'd make a great housewife. I reach up and grab a tuft of his hair, tugging at it until he laughingly relents and takes it back. I see the smile on Dad's face upon watching us, and seeing Jacob laugh when he hasn't much lately. He shakes his head and mocks us, "Now, children…" I stick my tongue out at Jake and get back to my food.
But the whole time, the happy mood starts to make me feel worse. I can't break it to them, especially my father, when he's in such good spirits. I have to find some way of fixing this without having to drag him down too. After dinner, Jacob gets up to wash the dishes while Dad goes off to watch TV. This sense of normalcy, sense of home, is something that I can't bear to break, and I know it'll put a strain on everyone if they find out. And what good would it do to tell them anyway? Jake's still at school and Dad can't work, so it's not like there's much point in just making them worried.
I choke back on my emotions long enough to get myself outside. I stand under the night sky, trying to calm my nerves by letting myself get enveloped by the cool night breeze, by breathing in the fresh air. But holding it back all evening winds up taking its toll on me and I burst into tears right there, covering a hand over my mouth as I start to cry, afraid that they might hear me.
PAUL
It's only been a few hours and already I'm feeling this weird, sick, twisted need to see her. My imprint. I want to stay away. I try to stay away, I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late. I've been patrolling for a while, but once I relaxed and let instinct take over, it led me here. Straight here. To the woods behind the Black house. I followed her damn scent without even realizing it. How the hell am I supposed to avoid her, for her own good mind you, if my body takes over and leads me to her all the time. Like she silently leads me to her, pulls me in. It's like my inability to stay away is all her fault. And as I smell the coconut and lime scent that I already know to be distinctly Rachel, I wouldn't want it any other way.
I stay in the shadows and watch and listen as they have dinner together, joking and laughing. I feel momentarily jealous that I'm out here while they're in there, seeing her smile, being in her presence. I feel a tension grow in my gut at our distance. I want her by me now. I want to phase and run up her steps, barge into her house, and kick her brother out of the seat next to her. I want to, but I don't. She probably already thinks I'm a mindless Neanderthal. All the times that I beat up her brother. I hear dinner ending. The television flips on. Probably Billy. And there's the clank of dishes. I wonder if she's doing them. But I know it's Jake as her scent grows stronger and then I see her on the porch. I am expecting to see her with a smile still on her lips, with the joy of the frivolity at dinner still on her face. But she looks small, stressed. And then she walks away from the house. And then the worst thing ever, she starts crying...again. The relevance of her maybe being a whiner is not lost on me.
But her pain is my pain and the urge to be near her, that grew with the sound of her voice, the strengthening of her smell becomes too strong when I see her cry. She needs someone. She needs comfort. I can't ignore the pull any longer. I barely remember to phase in my haste to get to her. I toss the shorts on as I move out of the forest. It's all I'm wearing, low slung cut-off sweats. She's going to think I'm crazy. But I can't give it much thought as I proceed to make my way to her. As I watch her cry.
"Rach," I say gently as I cup her face in my hands. She seems startled, and it's then that I forget that I don't make a lot of noise when I walk around. "I'm sorry...for scaring you," I say to her, my thumbs gently grazing her cheeks, wiping her tears away. I pull her close to me, pressing her against my chest, unsure what else to do, feeling helpless. I don't have the slightest clue what to do with a crying girl. My hand strokes her hair softly. "Is this okay?" I ask her quietly. Before I even get an answer I ask. "What's wrong?"
RACHEL
All of a sudden, I feel a pair of warm hands on my face. I jump and nearly let out a scream, but the next moment I realise who it is. Even in the dark, I can make out his features. I'm confused for a moment, confused as to what he's doing here. In the middle of the night. Without his shirt on. But the feel of his touch, it's so warm and comforting that right now I don't even care why he's here. For some reason, he's showed up to dry my tears again, for the second time in one day, as if he's my own personal guardian angel.
I let him pull me into his arms, let myself sink into his embrace. As he strokes my hair, I find myself sobbing against his chest, the tears flowing freely now that I finally have a shoulder to lean on. I can't cry to anyone else. Not to Jake, and not to my dad. I've had to constantly hold my chin high and pretend that I don't feel the humiliation of being stuck in a lousy job and barely being able to keep my family afloat.
When he asks me what's wrong, I start to cry even harder. Everything's wrong. Nothing's okay. Everything looks fine but it's not. If I can't find a way around this, everything's going to fall apart and it'll be all my fault and I won't be able to do anything about it and what then? What'll happen to us then? "First the cards… and then I came home… and we're running out of food… and Jake and Dad… and I'm trying so hard… but it's not good enough… I don't know what to do anymore…" The words come out in a tangled mess between choking breaths, I'm not even sure if he could've made out half of what I just said.
PAUL
"Shhh," I try to soothe, in a way that I feel like a toddler trying to soothe their crying mother for the first time. I feel like I have nothing to offer her. She can cry on me. And I'm physically warm. But I've never seen myself as too much of a warm or inviting person unless I wanted to turn the charm on for some girl. But I don't want to be charming. I want to be actually helpful and comforting. "Everything will be okay," I say, almost awkwardly. This is what people say in these situations, right? They say things will be okay.
"I have no idea what I'm doing here," I murmur honestly into her hair. That's probably the least comforting thing I could say, but I wanted her to know why I was so bad at this. I continue to stroke her hair, and rub her back as I hold her close. Her crying doesn't seem to be letting up. In fact for a moment she cries even harder. And my heart breaks. "Oh, Rachel," I say softly, just holding her. And then she tries to explain things to me. And I can only make out about every other word. I growl slightly when she mentions Jake. How dare he add to her problems?
"So wait..." I say, trying to sum it up. "Is this about money?" If it was, that would be so easy to fix. So easy. That was at least a problem I knew how to handle.
RACHEL
He holds me tighter, seeming not to care that my tears are rolling down his bare chest. There's something comforting about this feeling, my cheek against the heat of his skin, and if I were thinking straight I would be wondering why it doesn't feel weirder. In fact, why it actually makes me feel good. I mean, it's not every day that I cling to a half-naked stranger in the middle of the dark. I'm not really into that kind of thing…
"Everything will be okay." He tries to soothe me with those words, and even though I know he feels awkward saying them, even though he seems to feel unnatural playing this role, I actually do feel better. I do want to hear these words, despite the fact that he's not sure if he should say them. I don't care if it's not true. The way he says it makes it easy for me to pretend that it is.
But then he asks if it's about money and I feel embarrassed all over again, like I did this afternoon when the cards wouldn't work. Embarrassed that I've found myself in such a sticky financial situation and embarrassed about him knowing. I've always been a little proud that way. I've always been able to handle things, to keep things all nice and organised and together. And now that I can't, now that things aren't working out the way I want them to, it just makes me feel kind of useless really. Like I'm not doing enough, even though I've been working my butt off trying to save us.
I find myself pulling away slightly, hanging my head so that he can't see my eyes as I nod quietly, still shedding silent tears.
PAUL
The second she steps away it's like there's a part of me missing. I miss her already and she's standing just in front of me. And the way she hangs her head ashamed and gives me a small nod, breaks my heart. I reach out for her again. I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I don't want her to pull away from me. But maybe she doesn't want to be that close to me. I am practically a complete stranger. I wrap my hand around her arm gently, pulling her close, back into reach, but not back into my arms. I want to fix this so badly. But I don't have the first clue how to stop her tears. I place a finger under her chin and slowly raise her eyes up to look into mine. But she avoids my gaze all the same. "Baby, look at me," I say to her, realizing too late what I said. She probably thinks I'm a total creep now. Calling her baby. When we don't know each other. "Please," I beg her. I wait until her eyes hesitantly meet mine and find no judgment there.
"We can figure this out," I say to her gently with a small smile. "I can help you. You just have to tell me what you need." What does she need? If it's money, I'll find it. If it's food, I'll buy it. If it's someone to kick Jake's ungrateful ass, I'd be more than happy to oblige. I just need to know what she needs.
RACHEL
I still feel ashamed, but I gratefully welcome his touch, leaning against his side. He asks me to look at him, and I'm surprised at what he calls me. Baby. Surprised, but in a kind of nice, pleasant way. If it were anyone else I would've felt weird about it, but somehow with him I just don't. I'm not sure why. When he pleads with me again, I can't bring myself to keep avoiding his gaze anymore. Slowly, I raise my moist eyes back to his.
He's so reassuring. Like he could solve anything in the world for me. But this isn't as simple as filling up a gas tank. This is far bigger than that, and there's no way he can help me with this anymore than Jake or Dad can. After all, he is Jake's age, isn't he? I shake my head against his shoulder, sniffling quietly. "Thanks, you're so sweet," I say softly. "But you've already done so much, even just by being here. I couldn't possibly accept anymore help from you than that…"
PAUL
Now she was just being ridiculous. Of course she could ask me for help. Help with anything. Maybe she somehow knows that I suck at all of this, that I suck at comforting things and fixing things. I've never even really tried to fix anything before. Never cared enough to. But I feel like, with Rachel I could find a way to fly. I didn't like that she didn't want to tell me, that she didn't want to hand her burdens over to me. "Rach..." I prodded her, again taking her face between my hands as I faced her. Again wiping away her tears. "You can tell me anything," I say to her. And I want her to. I want her to say, Paul, I need groceries, or Paul, I need five hundred dollars, or whatever it is that she needs.
"We can go grocery shopping tomorrow," I say to her quietly, having made that out between her sobs. "I'll take you," I say to her. I wanted to fix this so badly. I wanted to take away the things that were causing pain. "And we'll start working on those credit cards too."
And as if I felt the need to seal it, like a promise, I leaned forward and kissed her lips gently. "Just don't cry anymore, baby, please."
I was probably scaring her at this point.
RACHEL
It's like he's known me forever, the way he calls me Rach. He insists on trying to help, even offering to take me grocery shopping tomorrow. Like he didn't just pay for my gas this afternoon too. I'm about to protest, to tell him that I honestly can't let him do that, but he takes me by surprise by leaning in and pressing his lips to mine, lightly. There's a soft, tingling feeling that lingers even after he pulls away, even when he begs me not to cry anymore. But his kiss startled me enough to stop my tears. "Tha–" I begin to thank him again, for being so sweet, but then I hear another voice, one that doesn't belong to Paul.
"Rachel?" I jump and turn around, my hands flying behind my back as if I have something to hide. I see my father just feet away, looking shocked. He must have realised I wasn't inside and come looking for me. "Dad! I–" But again I get cut off by him. "Paul?" I study his expression and wonder how much he'd just seen, if he saw the kiss. I mean, I'm grown up now, I've been to college and back, but I don't usually get kissed by guys lurking around outside my house in the middle of the night. Okay… that just sounds wrong, put that way. Right. So. This is just a little bit awkward. "Uh…"
PAUL
We're interrupted at that moment. And at first I think that it is Jacob. And I'm feeling the urge to pound the shit out of him for interrupting me and my Rachel. For pulling her away from me. But then I realize it's Billy. He's in on the secret because of Jake and because of the fact that he's an elder on the council, he knows all the legends. He's very tightly wound into this whole werewolf thing. "Hey, Billy," I call to him, with a wave, chuckling at how Rachel seems scared to be caught with a boy by her father. I wonder how much he's seen. I move closer to Rachel and rest my hand on her back. "Just looking out for Rachel for you."
He looks between the two of us and then realization dawns on his face. "Rachel, come inside." I feel disappointed that she's going to leave me. My face falls. "You too Paul," he says to me. And I can't help but smile at the fact that I get to stay with Rachel. I guide her through the yard by the small of her back, and I feel wrong standing in front of her dad and yearning to touch more of her as my fingers brush for a moment against her. "We need to talk," he says to Rachel. And I feel my stomach drop. She can't know the truth. There's no way she'd want me. No way she'd be okay with that. I give Billy a murderous look as we enter the house, but I still follow what he tells me to do.
I take Rachel's hand and lead her to the couch, sitting down and pulling her down next to me.
"No way," Jake exclaims as he comes into the room. "Guess we're gonna tell her."
Billy nods. Everyone sits. And then Billy begins. "We have something very important to tell you. Do you remember the legends?"
RACHEL
Dad calls us in. As we walk in, Paul seems to be getting bolder with the touching, which surprises me, but I don't really mind. I mean, I'm not the kind of girl who likes having random guys touch her or anything, but this time is different somehow. And well, he did just spend the last few minutes comforting me when he really didn't have to. Right, forget the fact that I have no idea what he was doing outside my house in the first place… he does kind of seem like the stalker type… but not in a bad way, I don't think. Are there good stalkers?
I wipe my cheeks and rub my eyes slightly, hoping Dad won't notice that I've been crying. Then he says we need to talk. "Talk? About what?" I ask, but no one answers. Why do we need to talk? It's not like I'm fifteen or something, come on. But once we get in and I see Jake's reaction, I realise that there's something else going on. But Dad and Jacob were fine over dinner, what's the deal now? "Tell me what?" I ask, but again no one answers. I turn and look at Paul. He's still holding my hand, but he almost seems nervous about something. Like he knows something about this too. What's gotten into everybody?
"We have something very important to tell you," Dad says at last, his tone solemn. More important than the fact that we're running out of food and the money to buy it, I wonder? And then he stuns me by asking if I remember the legends. I let out a laugh in spite of myself. "Legends?" But he's perfectly serious. I look at Jake and he's not laughing with me. And Paul still looks like he's not particularly thrilled. My smile fades. "What about the legends? Excuse me, but can someone just tell me what the heck is going on here?"
PAUL
She asks if someone can please just tell her what's going on here, I can hear the tinge of worry in her voice. And the way that her heartbeat picks up, shows me she's confused, freaking out a little. I squeeze her hand and then turn to face her on the couch. Her wish is my command. She wants to know. And I want to keep her from having a heart attack. Or at least a panic attack. I rub soothing circles on the back of her hand as I look her in the eyes. I gather my courage, because she could always run away screaming, telling me she never wants to see me again. She could call me a monster. Or she could think that we've all gone nuts. But either way, her rejection would make my life lack meaning.
"Shit," I mutter, not knowing if I had the strength to do this. "Do you remember the legends about us descending from wolves, being able to turn into them?" She nods. And I know it's not eloquent. It doesn't prepare her at all for what I'm about to say. But I can't listen to her heart thunder anymore. So before anyone else can speak, I say, "Well they're true. Jake and I... and some others. We turn into wolves."
Now I held my breath, waiting for her reaction.
RACHEL
"Shit." I raise an eyebrow. Okay, I ask them to explain whatever it is to me and he goes 'shit', while still rubbing my back. Hmmm… and why does this feel good? Right, Rachel, focus. He asks if I remember the legends about us descending from wolves and being able to turn into them. Eyebrow lifts higher. Yeah… "Well they're true. Jake and I... and some others. We turn into wolves."
I think I just slipped, and I'm sitting down. Did he just say that he and Jake turn into wolves? Like, seriously? I look from him to Jake to Dad to Jake to him and back to Dad. Why isn't anyone laughing yet and going 'Haha, Rach, gotcha!'? "Turn into wolves?" I echo lamely. "Oh come on guys, Halloween's ages away."
But not one of them is even cracking a smile. Okay, now they're starting to freak me out. Am I dreaming? Maybe all the stressing out is finally getting to my head. Thank God I'm sitting down or I think I might just faint. "This really isn't funny…" I say weakly, still waiting for someone to drop the act. "Next you're gonna start talking about aliens and vampires, right?"
PAUL
"Well not aliens," Jake chimes in.
I shoot him a death glare as Rachel's eyes go a little wide that he didn't dispute vampires. I continue to rub her back in soothing circles, starting to get worried that she really isn't going to take this well. My hand begins to slowly try to work out the tension that is newfound in her muscles. I know Billy's here. And I know he'd be better at telling her this than me. I'm not exactly full of tact. But I want to be the one to tell her. I feel like I have to be. But I can't think of the right words.
"I'm not kidding, Rach," I say to her as gently as I can manage with an audience. And while this tone isn't as gentle or soothing as the one that I used with her before, it still sounds slightly foreign to my ears, and gets Jake to look confused, like he didn't know that I possessed such a tone. "All the legends are true," I plow ahead, hoping I don't mess this up. "We're wolves. And we keep the village safe from vampires."
"The Cold Ones," Billy says, elaborating it into the terms that she probably heard it as a child. He rolls over to Rachel. "I know this is hard to accept," he says, taking Rachel's hand in his, "But try." He seems to wait to see Rachel's reaction, unwilling to push more information on her if she can't handle it. And for that I'm grateful because really there's so much to say.
RACHEL
Not aliens? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And they keep trying to insult my intelligence. The legends are true. They're wolves. And they keep the village safe from vampires. The Cold Ones from the stories. What kind of cheap joke are they trying to play on me? What kind of fool do they take me for? But then Dad looks me in the eye and asks me to try to accept it, and I realise that my father wouldn't intentionally subject me to this kind of torture. Which means…
My hand jerks out of Paul's as I jump to my feet. "You mean you…" I point at Jake, and then at Paul. "…and you…" And then I laugh. I rake my fingers through my hair and laugh. And step around to the back of the couch and pace. And laugh. Then I stop and look at them again. And then I shake my head and pace and laugh again. Because I feel like I need to since no one else will.
After a few moments I stop. And this time, finally, I don't start laughing again. Instead I cross my arms over my chest, dead serious now. "Prove it."
PAUL
I feel the air leave my body, my heart stops beating for just a moment as she jerks her hand out of mine. As she gets up, I jump to my feet too. I'm ready to run after her if she is going to run. But she doesn't, she just gets to a clear patch of floor and paces. And laughs. And paces. And laughs. What does she find so funny, I wonder. Or is she having some kind of psychotic break? I want to go to her, but I'm scared that I won't be received well. Then she stops dead and looks at us, looks me in the eye and says prove it. I stare back at her, not sure if it's the best of ideas. But she looks so determined. And I need her to accept me. I nod to her, "Okay." I hold my hand out to her and say, "Come on."
Jake jumps between us, lightning quick. And he growls deep in his throat. "That's not safe," he says to me. He doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm too volatile. But this is Rachel we're talking about. I would never hurt her. And so I tell him so between clenched teeth, the growl in my voice. "I would never hurt her."
Then Billy speaks. "Rachel, if we show you, you have to stay on the porch." He must know she'll agree because he continues to tell Jake to go get me and extra pair of pants because apparently I can't strip down in front of his baby girl. I smirk, thinking about how we'll both be doing that soon enough. And then it turns to a smirk of triumph as Jake sulks off to get another pair of sweats. And I again reach my hand out to Rachel. This time she takes it and I lead her outside. I want to kiss her before stepping away but I don't want to push my luck, so I give her a final, longing look before accepting the pants from Jake and trotting out into the yard.
I set the pants on the ground and then concentrate on the process of phasing. I feel the burn spreading through my body. And then it rips through. I feel the wolf parts of me come into control as I land on all fours and look up at the porch. My head cocking to the side as I watch Rachel, waiting for something.
RACHEL
He says okay and my determination wavers. So he can prove it to me? I bite my lip, hesitating as he holds his hand out to me. And then suddenly Jake's standing between us, growling at Paul. Growling like, I suppose, a wolf might. He says it's not safe. At first I wonder what he really means by that, and then it becomes clear when Paul says he would never hurt me. And even though I'm not really sure I believe this whole wild dog business, I find myself believing at least that much. I believe that he wouldn't hurt me.
Out on the porch, I wait for something to happen. Well, actually, I'm still kind of waiting for something to not happen. But then something does. I stare in shock as Paul, the same Paul I met today at the gas station, bursts out of his pants and I watch it all as if it's in slow motion. Until he lands on his feet… his paws. He's a wolf. A great big giant wolf. My jaw drops, my mouth hanging open. I turn to my dad in disbelief, pointing weakly at Paul. Or what was Paul just a few moments ago. "He just… he just… turned into a wolf. A wolf," I tell him, even though that's exactly what he kept trying to tell me that he could do.
I want to go closer. I want to know if this is really for real. But Dad grabs hold of my arm. "No," he says sternly. "Stay here." And his tone tells me that I can't protest. I turn back to Paul and stand there for a long moment, looking into the eyes of that massive gray wolf. And it's almost like he's pleading with me. And I realise that it's Paul that's pleading with me. I can't possibly not believe now. "He's... he's beautiful…"
But that doesn't make it any less crazy.
PAUL
I can't help but grin in my big wolfish form as she says that I'm beautiful. And those words make me feel amazing. She's accepting it, I think. She's accepting me. But she looks so flabbergasted. I let out a hacky chuckle as she says what we've been trying to tell her for the last thirty minutes. Yep. I'm a wolf. I kinda wish Billy would let her come down here. I wouldn't hurt her. I never could. Hell Quil gives Claire wolf rides, like he's a pony or something. But I guess I can't fault him. I am the least stable of all of the wolves. I want to go to her. I want to talk about this. I want to know if she's okay with it. And then we need to tell her the rest. We need to tell her she's my imprint. She's mine.
I don't even think about decency, or hiding. I don't think about the fact that they'll all see me naked. I just want to get to her as quickly as possible. So I phase on the spot, almost forgetting about the clothes as I start to walk, and stop just as quickly, remembering the pants. Remembering the decency I have to fake. Because I honestly don't mind in the slightest being naked around Rachel.
I run across the yard to her, standing in front of her, waiting for some sort of sign that all of this is okay. "How you holding up?" I ask her with a small smile, clasping my hands behind my back as I wait for an answer. Not wanting to touch her again until I'm sure it's okay.
RACHEL
His transformation back yet again takes me by surprise, but mostly because I thought he'd be, kind of, well, doing it without us looking. He did, after all, rip his clothes apart. But apparently he has no qualms about being buck naked in front of everyone. As he starts heading this way, I blush, grinning as I dip my head slightly. I guess it would be pretty inappropriate to say 'He's beautiful' again right now. The look on Dad's face is so priceless that I can't help but giggle. When Paul does get here, with Jake's pants on, both my father and my brother glare at him darkly. I clear my throat awkwardly, trying to stifle my laughter. And it's nice, to have my tension eased somewhat.
Then he asks how I'm holding up and I remember that, well, he did just turn into a giant wolf right before my eyes. "I'm okay… I guess," I answer slowly, and I am, but not completely. After all, it is quite a lot to take in. Part of me is still trying to convince myself that I'm awake. I go on to admit, "I can't say that that wasn't just the craziest thing I've ever seen though… crazy, but cool." A funny thought suddenly comes to mind and I tap my lip with the tip of my finger, grinning sheepishly as I contemplate whether or not I should ask. "Do you get like, hairballs?"
PAUL
As she blushes and ducks her head, trying to hold back her giggles, I can't help but give a grin, ignoring the glares from her father and brother. She's so damn cute. But her blush, the ducking of her head. It makes me wonder if she's just pretty shy. Or if she's innocent. She's been to college and back though. She's had to have seen guys before. Been with guys before. I feel jealousy roil in my stomach at those thoughts. At the thoughts of other men putting their hands all over my Rachel, probably not for the right reasons, and probably not with the respect that she deserves.
The second that she says she's okay with it, I move closer to her, not caring that the others are watching. She says it's cool. Strange, but cool. I can live with that. Then she seems to be contemplating something. when she finally speaks again, I can't help but give a heartfelt chuckle. Do we get hairballs? I move even closer, my hand reaching out to brush some hair behind her ear and then I leave it there, tangled in her hair as I gently raise her eyes to mine. The blush is still present on her cheeks. And I stroke her cheek gently with my thumb. She's gorgeous with the pink tinge in her cheeks. I want to kiss her, but I don't think that would be appropriate right now, in front of her family, especially when there's so much more to say. I shake my head. "No, no hairballs," I tell her, "But we do run a warmer body temperature, and we heal quickly..." I don't want to overwhelm her.
I capture her eyes with mine. "But, Rach, there's more."
RACHEL
He says no hairballs. "That's great, I think it would be kind of weird if you started hacking up hairballs all over me…" I comment with a grin, making a subtle reference to how close he is to me right now. Not that I mind. In fact, I kind of like it, the way his fingers are running through my hair. The part about the body temperature, I kind of guessed as much I suppose. I have noticed how warm his skin is, and Jake's as well. But healing quickly wasn't something I expected. I wonder how just quickly he means by that. Still, all this I think I can deal with. It's completely messing with my sense of reality, but in time, it'll probably start to sink in properly.
But then he says there's more, and his gaze is so intense it nearly takes my breath away. "More?" I echo, my voice sounding a bit more like a squeak now. What else could there possibly be? Santa Claus?
PAUL
My face twists up with disgust as she talks about me hacking up hairballs on her. "That's kind of gross," I tease her good naturedly. I know she meant no harm by the question. But I find it funny that out of everything that she could ask, that's what's on her mind. She's worried about hairballs. And not at all about me being dangerous, or vampires coming after her or anything. She's taking it all in stride. And I think that that's pretty amazing of her. I lean in closer, I know Jake will still hear, but I want the semblance of a private moment. I whisper in her ear. "You're amazing."
And then I lean back and nod when she asks if there's more. And it's then that I do want to be alone with her. I want to tell her that she's the one for me, my soulmate, in complete privacy. I don't want interlopers on that moment. It's personal. I look at Billy. "Could we be alone?" I asked him. He nodded and made Jake go with him, though he protested a lot, and they both went inside. "Thanks," I said to Billy, who nodded before closing the door.
Then I turned back to Rachel. "There's another wolf thing. Do you remember the story about the third wife? How she was the one Taha Aki loved above all others? How she sacrificed herself to save our people from the cold ones?" She gave me a confused nod. "Well she was his imprint." She looks even more confused. "And you're mine." I gave her a sheepish grin, before trying to explain it better. "Basically," I shifted from foot to foot. My free hand flexing and relaxing as I tried to say this right. "The second I saw you, my whole world changed." I reach out and take her hand in my free one, intertwining our fingers, pulling her body closer to mine, using our closeness as a distraction. "You became the most important thing in it," I continue as my fingers unlock from hers and my hand rests on her hip lightly. "You're my reason for being. All I want to do is make you happy." My thumb rubbed gentle circles on her hip. I decided that that was enough of an explanation, unless she had questions.
RACHEL
He tells me I'm amazing. And I blush even deeper. I can't deny the attraction that I feel towards him, even though he is kind of coming on a little strong. But then he asks Dad and Jake to leave us alone and I have a weird feeling about this. What more could there possibly be that he needs to tell me alone? Is big hairy wolf not enough for one night? He turns back to face me. Apparently not.
I raise an eyebrow, confused when he asks me if I remember the story about the third wife. I nod quietly, not seeing what this has to do with anything. Then he says I'm his imprint and my jaw drops for the second time tonight. Imprint? That's supposed to be like, what, a soulmate? Oh come on… But he's really not kidding. He says his world changed the second he saw me. He says I'm his reason for being. His reason for being, for crying out loud. What is this, Hans Christian Andersen? Do I get a fairy godmother too?
I smack his hand away and take a step back, my hands in the air. "Whoa, back up just a second here," I say in a voice that sounds too shrill to be my own. "I meet you at the gas station and now I'm supposed to be your, what, your mate for life?" Wolf, I can handle. Even hairballs I can handle! But this? He can't be serious. "You're a funny guy, Mr. Harwood. But I'm not laughing anymore."
PAUL
She blushes when I say that she's amazing. It's so cute how perfect she is. How beautiful. And she doesn't even know it. She blushes when I say it. I kinda wanna say things like that to her forever, just to watch the pink spread across her cheeks. But she's not reacting well to this news. She can handle us being wolves, but she can't handle being with me. I can't blame her. I'm pretty much the worst guy for this role ever. I don't know how to be good to someone, not like how Rachel deserves. And she could do better than me, I'm sure of it. After all, she is a woman, and she probably thinks of me as just a boy. But I want to be a man for her.
She smacks my hands away and I can't help but wince. Not because it hurts physically, but because I can see her walking away from me. Putting distance between us. She's going to reject me and my reason for living is going to evaporate. But I know I won't stop trying to make her happy, even if I have to find a way to do it from a distance. I care about her, I need her too much to simply pretend that she doesn't exist.
She's going to leave. She doesn't want me. She knows that I'm not made for this. My hands fall weakly to my side, feeling useless. How could I possibly do right by her? How could I possibly make her life any better? I feel completely ineffectual. But I can't let myself give up.
"Rachel," I say to her, my tone sounded defeated because I am sure of what her response will be. "Please..." I don't even try to reach out for her, feeling already too shattered to take any more rejection. But then I listen to her actual words. What is she afraid of? Why was it okay to cry into my bare chest, but now, nothing? Is she afraid of how fast this is happening? Is she afraid of not having a choice? I study her for a moment and take an unsure step towards her.
I swallow deeply before saying the hardest thing I've ever had to say. "You always have a choice," I said to her softly, "If you don't want to be with me, that's okay. So long as you're happy, I'm happy."
RACHEL
He pleads with me, looking positively crestfallen. And the look in his eyes makes me feel so rotten and suddenly all I want to do is take my words back. But then I remember what's going on here and I just feel so freaked out that I don't know what to make of it. I like him. I really like him. He's incredibly sweet, and kind, and though he may be a little rough around the edges – okay, maybe a lot rough around the edges – let's face it, he is really hot. But now I'm wondering if I'm actually thinking this or if that's just what's being fed into my head because of this… imprint thing. If it's even true.
Then he says I have a choice. That I don't have to be with him. Why, why, why does his tone break my heart? I feel awful now. He seems to think that I don't like him or something and that's not true. But just because I like him doesn't mean I'm ready to be his bitch. I mean, literally, since he's a wolf, right… I'm skeptical about what he's saying, that I have a choice. Because even now I feel like I do kind of, you know, want to be with him. And I don't know what to make of it. It feels like too much right now. "That's not it…" I say feebly. "I mean… I don't know what I mean. I'm just so confused. How am I supposed to have a choice when I'm your– your imprint?"
PAUL
She doesn't know what she means? Care to elaborate on that? Because I don't know what she means either. Frustration flashed through my eyes momentarily. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to be afraid. I don't want her to feel obligated to be with me now, even if it doesn't make her happy. I don't want her to reject me either though. But I could never handle her unhappiness. Fuck! That's what I want to scream right now to let all of my frustration out. As it bottles up, I feel my body vibrate. But one look at her and I know I can't let that happen. I can't phase. I'm too close to her. I might hurt her.
Maybe I should try and explain the imprint better. "It's not like that exactly," I try again. I mean all the imprints so far are couples. With the exception of Quil and Claire, but that's because Claire is two. Who knows what will happen when she grows up. "I mean, like I said, you're the most important person in my world. But that doesn't have to be the same for you. You're your own person, Rach, and I would never want to take that away. We're made to be whatever you need. Best friend. Big brother. Protector. Lover." I couldn't not mention it. Even now I wanted to be her lover. But I would be whatever she wanted me to be. I was already aching from not touching her. I wanted to touch her so badly. I crossed my arms over my chest to keep from reaching out to her. "Hell, even nanny." She gave me a quizzical look. I knew she would know Quil as Quil had been one of Jake's friends growing up. "Quil's the best nanny Claire could ask for...He imprinted on a two-year-old." She gave a disgusted look. "It's not like that. He's not a pedophile or anything. The thought has never crossed his mind. He just plays endless hours of tea party and Barbie and gives her extra cookies. He just wants to make her happy."
I looked at Rachel. "I just want to make you happy. However you need me, I'm here. Just please don't tell me I can't be a part of your life."
RACHEL
I take another step back when his body seems to shake, seemingly triggered by something I said. And I can't say that it doesn't scare me. It does. I don't know what he's going to do and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Is he angry at me for feeling the way I do about the whole situation? For saying or asking what I did? "I'm sorry," I say tentatively, even though I don't know what I did wrong. I watch him, now frozen in place, waiting for something to happen. But slowly, the shaking comes to a stop and the fire in his eyes starts to calm. Then he speaks again, trying to make me understand the so-called nature of the imprint thing.
So I do get to keep my free will. But I feel my heart constrict as he explains further. "We're made to be whatever you need," he says. So that means he's the one who doesn't get to keep his free will then. Like he's bound to me, and it's up to me to determine his role in my life and ultimately, his life. That's still not fair. In fact that's even less fair. Then he mentions nanny and my thoughts are momentarily sidetracked. "Nanny?" I echo, curious as to why he would stick that in.
And what he tells me makes me feel sick. Quil, the guy I remember as that cute little kid who used to hang out with Jake, imprinted on a two-year-old? A toddler? That is just vile. I'm about to say that he should be kept away or something but Paul is quick to try to explain that he's not a paedophile, that he just wants her to be happy. He says that the thoughts have never crossed his mind and I want to ask him how he would know. Who knows what goes on inside the head of a pretty much grown man playing tea party with a little girl? I shudder at thought.
But then he turns the attention back to us. And his eyes are begging me, pleading with me, to just let him be a part of my life. And the intensity of his gaze pulls me in – I can't refuse. I can't deny him that. And even in my confused state, I don't think I want to either. I nod quietly, moving closer again and touching his arm lightly. "This is… a lot to take in at once," I say softly, not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes anymore. "I need time to process this, to make some sense of it all. Just… let me sleep on it, okay?"
PAUL
She's moving closer to me and my heart soars, my eyes light up, I feel like life has just been breathed into me again. I think that I pretty much love her already. But I'm not going to tell her that. And I would gladly accept whatever she's willing to give. Whatever she sees as appropriate, I'll do. She's standing too close to me though. I can smell her sweet, tangy smell. I want to touch her again. And then she touches my arm and I feel my whole body relax, just from one touch. I still feel the pull though and I move a little closer. But I try to control myself. She's not okay. She's uncomfortable. She needs time to think. I nod my head at her, giving a small smile. "Take all the time, you need," I tell her quietly, breathing in deep to take in her scent, since this may have to hold me over for days. I can't resist leaning down and kissing her forehead one last time before moving a respectable distance away.
"I'll see you around," I tell her as I take the steps down her porch. I'm hoping I see her sooner rather than later.