A/N: Hello! I thought this was going to take less but I've been caught up with some projects. Anyway, the chapter is a little longer, so that you can forgive me for the wait. Things start shifting here and I'm planning on splitting the story in two parts (1-5 and 6-10) with a change in time and place setting at chapter 6. I kind of have so many ideas for this fic that I'm actually sorry for having planned it in 10 chapters only. I just can't stop loving the OP on the GKM for giving me such an inspiration!
Hope you enjoy! xoxo
Chapter 2
The first day isn't as successful as Sam hoped it would be. They spend most of their day checking out colleges on the internet through official websites. They read most of the programs and curricula carefully and much to Sam's surprise, Blaine tries at least to keep from yawning and focuses on what they are exploring. This doesn't change that they can't seem to find a good option for him once the afternoon is over. Blaine just seems bored and maybe a little disappointed with the result of their research (of course he tries to hide it from Sam, but there's not a thing Sam can't read on his face by now; well, maybe there is, but that's not the case at all).
Therefore, when Sam is sitting on the stairs in the back of McKinley the next days, lazily going through his biology book, his moods aren't the best. In fact, he's a little anxious now. Although he knows that college isn't the only way to find one's place in the world, he feels like it's a huge missing option. If Blaine isn't interested in any college, then they'll have to find new ways of figuring how to work it out.
Maybe he is supposed to start thinking about job opportunities. He had jobs in the past, mostly because he wanted to help his family going through hard times, but finding a job for Blaine … that is completely different. It's not only because Blaine is a total badass and he is probably going to say something incredibly inappropriate in front of his potential employer, but he isn't even sure what Blaine can actually do. He can sing, play videogames and instruments … mostly, Sam knows about his hobbies, not about his skills. It's something they've never discussed.
He should probably ask Blaine to give him some directions at least, but the point is, if Blaine himself has no idea what to do with his future, how can he be helpful to Sam?
Of course, he's supposed to be the one to help him while he has no idea what to do, but it's not that easy in the facts.
The thud produced by the boy sitting next clumsily next to him all of a sudden makes him startle and turn abruptly, his eyes widening comically as he notices Blaine. He doesn't look worried at all, or at least, he's good at hiding it. He's sitting there, looking at him awkwardly and smoking his usual cigarette.
When too many minutes go by without him saying a word, Sam can't help it anymore. He flushes a little at the way Blaine is staring, but then coughs and manages to ask, "What?"
"What what?" Blaine asks cockily, a little smirk flashing his face.
Sometimes it's so hard not to be frustrated by him. Sam is sure that anyone else in his shoes would be annoyed. But he's fallen for Blaine and everything feels always too fond to be mean or just arrogant; which is why he can't bring himself to mind. Having Blaine's affection is probably all he can take from him.
"Is there something you need to tell me?" He asks.
Blaine goes silent for a long moment. He just sucks on his cigarette and lets smooth rings of smoke curl in the air. His gaze is intense, probably much more than Sam can actually stand, but he doesn't manage to look away no matter what.
Eventually, Blaine shrugs and goes back to his nonchalant pose, lying on the stairs and looking up to the sky. "Why that?" He asks, "Is there a particular reason why you think I can't come and sit with my best friend without wanting something from him?"
Now that Blaine's eyes aren't staring at him anymore, Sam manages to look away too. His gaze gets lost somewhere around the courtyard, but he isn't actually watching. More than anything, he is thinking. He is considering if he should read into Blaine's behavior, the awkward things he's doing lately. Maybe he shouldn't. Blaine can be such a lunatic.
"College isn't the solution apparently," the bad boy breaks the silence, but Sam is still looking around, a little lost, "Your idea sucks. We're not going to find anything for me, I told you so. I'm just too cool for everything."
Sam shakes his head and a little smile forms on his mouth, because of course Blaine would say that nothing's good enough for him instead of admitting that it feels like quite the opposite. Which is terrible though. The fact that Blaine thinks he isn't good enough to seriously consider some interesting options for his future. He is so smart, probably the smartest guy Sam has ever met. Why can't he just see it? It's so evident to him.
"Look, college isn't the only thing one can do with his life, dude." He shrugs, but he's pretty sure he has already told Blaine so many times. "I honestly went there first because I knew it's probably the project that suits you the last."
"Not smart enough?" Blaine asks teasingly and Sam turns to him, tilting an eyebrow.
"Not patient enough." He explains. "And then, I'm not sure what you'd turn your dorm room into in a few days. You'd probably just waste it all on college parties because you think you're too smart to study all day."
"I am," Blaine confirms, crossing his arms behind his head and looking at Sam curiously. "So what are we going to do now? College is a no for me, I'm not going to waste any more of my time going through websites and checking on taxes. I couldn't afford it by the way, and you know my parents think I'm no good."
"They don't." Sam tries to complain, but his words are too unsure to sound believable.
"They do, but it's okay." Blaine smirks and takes one last drag before the throws the cigarette to the ground. "I know they have reasons. Besides, Coop's not too good either."
"Right, Cooper," Sam nods for a moment, tightening his eyelids, "You've never considered acting?"
"No," Blaine shakes his head and looks up at the sky again, "But it wouldn't fit me. It's boring and I'm not interested."
"It's not boring," Sam looks away too, finding another empty spot to stare at again, "Nothing is amusing for you. You just think everything is boring."
"How many times do I need to tell you that I'm too cool?" Blaine laughs, low and relaxed. "And there is a thing I don't find boring, but you didn't want to talk about it, so."
"What is that?" Sam asks, yawning and stretching his long legs along the stairs.
For a few moments, there's just the wind howling around them. It makes Sam shiver as he waits for an answer. When he is about to get lost in the desolation, the bell rings and it reminds him that they're still at school and he has lessons to attend. But then Blaine is speaking again.
"I think gay sex is interesting, but you don't seem to share my opinion, so why bother?" He says, once more as if it the most natural thing ever.
Sam's whole body stiffens at the words and he finds himself blushing awkwardly. He can't even believe Blaine has mentioned the topic again. He shakes his head and looks anywhere but in Blaine's direction.
"I have to go, class and stuff." He murmurs, but Blaine just laughs coolly.
"See? I told you so!" He jokes but Sam isn't sure about how comfortable he feels with joking about this.
Instead, he whispers a quiet "see you later", and he is already walking in again, stalking along the hallways to get as far as possible from Blaine as he can. He has no idea why his best friend suddenly thinks this is an appropriate topic to share but he isn't ready to face it. As much as he thinks Blaine knows perfectly that he has feelings for him, Sam can't help but wish that this is not just a game.
Blaine loves him as a friend, he cares about him, so there is no way that he would actually do this just to make him uncomfortable. In fact, Sam is sure that Blaine barely realizes that there is something to be uncomfortable with that.
Therefore, he tries to push any thought of Blaine and he being in that determined situation away, firstly because it's dangerous for his sanity to even let himself imagine when they have realistically faced the subject; secondly, he has got a lesson now and those aren't the appropriate kind of thoughts to have on one's mind during a lesson. If he really must be distracted from something, he wants it to be Blaine's future. That is his real aim: to find something that can get his best friend's interest so that he would consider it at least before he judges it.
He won't let Blaine's allusions get under his skin too much.
/
"Hey, what is it with you today?" Blaine follows his through the parking lot and Sam frowns, stopping by and turning to look at him.
"What are you talking about?" He asks, his eyebrows lifted curiously.
"You've been avoiding me all day." Blaine shrugs and puts his hands in the pockets of his dark skinny jeans. "We haven't met since the break and what do I do around without my blushing little friend?" He throws a playful punch to Sam's chest and Sam laughs a little, though there's still some tension between them.
It's not a negative tension, not completely, but it's still different from usual. Sam isn't even sure if he likes it or not. He hates that it makes their friendship awkward sometimes, but at the same time, there's a hidden part of him which is happy to experiment something more than affection with Blaine, even if they probably mean it in different ways.
"I wasn't avoiding you to be honest," Sam says, not too lightly, "I just had a busy morning and Brett wanted me to help him with his math test, so. Sorry about that. I swear it wasn't voluntarily."
And it wasn't.
It's not like Sam could ever avoid Blaine even if he tried, but at the same time, he also knows that he didn't try too hard to get in touch with him. It's just that he is trying to get used to Blaine talking about sex. They're friends, so maybe it's something that is supposed to happen with no worries at all. He should just try and not think about it too much.
"If you say so." Blaine wrinkles his lips, but he looks more playful than annoyed. "But I was thinking of something for this afternoon …"
There shouldn't be anything implied in what he says, and maybe there isn't. It's probably just the way his eyes move down to look at Sam's lips as he says so that makes it completely awkward. But Sam is aware that he has a huge mouth, so maybe it's just that, isn't it? A lot of people at school stare at it, and maybe it's the same reason why Blaine did so two days ago and is doing so now. It's not like there must to be something more than that.
"Yeah, like what?" Sam asks and his voice is so quiet that it makes him realize just how close Blaine is.
Sam doesn't find the courage in himself to look down and check, but he's pretty sure that Blaine is leaning on his toes to be so close to his face. It's suddenly leaving Sam a little breathless and a lot lost, but he pushes it away once more, especially when he catches himself staring back at Blaine's mouth. His glare moves up again and he looks into his eyes, swallowing and pretending that nothing happened.
Blaine doesn't say a word about it, but from the smirk on his face, Sam is sure that he noticed.
Also, Sam is starting to slowly think and accept that everytime it seems like Blaine is implying something, it's probably because he's actually doing so. It can't be all in his head, and he is pretty sure that Blaine and he have never been so intimately close in a public place, sharing the space with such closeness that it makes it hard for Sam to believe that nothing is going on. His awareness is limited though, because with Blaine, one can only try and understand.
Eventually, Blaine seems to pick up and answer and the words come out so close to Sam's face that he can feel Blaine's breath on his skin.
"Going through colleges is useless. As you said, I'm not patient enough." He nods smugly, "In fact, I would barely accept living according to such a fucking schedule, and I hate routine-"
"Pretty sure routine is a must at some point of your life, dude." Sam complains, but it seems like Blaine isn't willing to listen.
"So I thought – since you care so much about tutoring me about my future, because I really don't give a fuck – we could walk around the city and find new inspiration out of my place or your place for once," he lifts his eyebrows allusively and Sam has no idea why. It's not like they ever get dirty at their places (or anywhere else), so he can't understand what the innuendo is.
"Fine," He allows anyway, mostly because he is curious to find out what Blaine is planning on (and mostly because all that he wants right now is for Blaine to move back so that he can stop thinking about kissing him; it would only be hurtful and senseless), "but I hope this isn't just, you know, an attempt to find a distraction. My aim here is what's best for you."
Blaine finally moves a little back and downward, so Sam thinks he was actually on his toes.
"Okay, mom." He teases with his little bad boy smirk on, "I'm going to behave as much as I can so that you won't go all fucking rebuking on me."
"Now that's not the way one behaves," Sam frowns but Blaine just laughs, which makes it impossible for him to keep scolding him when the sound is so amazing. "Hmm, we should go …" He says, feeling suddenly uncomfortable at the way Blaine is making everything clench tightly inside his body.
It seems different from everything he's known, especially when Blaine sounds a little awkward too as he whispers, "Yeah, I think we should," quiet enough that Sam isn't sure he was meant to catch it.
They drive to Blaine's anyway, Sam feeling a lot more tensed at having to wrap his arms around Blaine's tiny torso this time. It's always felt so natural and caring, so he has no idea why he feels like Blaine's skin might burn him now. It's like everything is different between them and at the same time, it's always the same, like it can't break their bond anyway, which is reassuring at least.
They take a brief nap at Blaine's place, sitting on different couches and snorting lightly until Sam wakes up. He decides to wake Blaine up soon later (even though he doesn't miss the chance to be a little creepy and stare at him while he sleeps). Blaine curses lazily but eventually, he seems to wake up. That is awkward too, the fact that Blaine is giving up on a longer nap so easily. Maybe he is actually starting to care about this whole thing.
When they have both gathered their things (only necessary stuff like wallet and phones) and are walking down the street to reach for Blaine's motorcycle, Blaine finally clears his throat and speaks.
"What are the plans then?" He asks, stretching clumsily beside him.
"Why? You don't have any idea?" Sam looks at him curiously. "You're the one who suggested this."
"Hmm, right." Blaine says, sounding a little dummy. "How about we go to the mall? You know I fucking hate that cubbyhole, but it would be like seeing many job opportunities all at once."
Sam wrinkles his lips, impressed, wandering if he should consider why all of a sudden Blaine is taking this so seriously. In fact, he even feels a little guilty, because he is the one who planned this and Blaine came out with an idea. He should probably try and think harder.
"Okay, fine." He shrugs, sliding his hands clumsily into his pockets. "I guess it might be a start."
Blaine just nods and gestures to his motorbike and once more, they're riding along the streets, heading to the mall. Once more, Sam thinks the contact between them feels more electric than usual. It's not like he's suddenly stopped feeling safe around Blaine, it's just that now it's not that friendly anymore. He wonders if it has actually to do with Blaine or it's just some kind of awareness developing inside his head that makes it so hard to feel like he usually feels.
Most of the afternoon at the mall isn't as successful as it might have been. In fact, Sam just thinks Blaine wanted to waste some time at the end of it. They basically just walk around senselessly and sit on benches along the big hallways. They only stop longer in front of a musical shop. Although Blaine tries to hide it and to pretend there's nothing interesting in front of him, it's pretty evident that he is charmed from all the musical instruments.
For a moment, Sam wants to speak, wants to ask Blaine why he is so scared to throw himself into something he evidently loves much enough to be incapable of hiding it. It wouldn't be the first time that Blaine tries to deny his passion for music and Sam has no idea why. It's not like it would ruin his reputation if he was a rocker or something. It would probably just make him cooler (though Sam doesn't really want to think about how cool Blaine is right now, that doesn't help him feeling more okay with their closeness). Eventually, they walk out of the mall defeated and stalk to Blaine's motorcycle once more.
Sam fights to convince him to try for something else, but there's something sad in Blaine's looks though he tries to hide it under his smug expression, so finally he gives up. It takes a long to drive from the mall to Blaine's place, but Sam doesn't ask Blaine to drive him home. His crush might be ridiculous but he always tries to spend as much time as he can with Blaine – crush is what he calls it, but he's sure it's not just it anymore.
When they get there, the sun is already down completely. The sky is dark and Blaine parks a little roughly along the sidewalk. It's not like he is going to move the damn motorcycle away if Sam tells him to, so he doesn't. They walk through the huge garden – the big place always reminding Sam of just how rich the Andersons are – but when Sam is about to step on the three stairs to the door, Blaine grabs readily the sleeve of his jacket, tugging it to get Sam's attention.
When Sam turns to him once more, Blaine seems to be himself again: he looks smug and confident, every weakness hidden amazingly once more. "Let's go by the pool." He suggests and Sam shrugs.
It's not like they've never spent their time like that, just lazily laid by the pool. In fact, it's one of the things Sam loves the most about Blaine's place.
They walk more comfortably again, Blaine bumping his shoulder against Sam's – not that he can reach it properly but still – and them laughing together as they do all the time. When they get there, Sam enjoys the view for a moment.
There are trees out of the lines of Blaine's estate and the water looks just a little threatening while shining in only dim lights coming from the streets. It's just a flat dark will except from those little diamonds and Sam wouldn't throw himself into it. The beach chairs are by the pool, which is a sign of summer coming. Usually, the Andersons keep them locket away in their basement during the year. Sam wonders if Blaine and he are going to spend the summer here. He would probably blush if Blaine saw him in just sweatpants.
"You're thinking very intensely," Blaine's voice makes him startle as he turns to him and smiles nervously.
"It's just … a little creepy, you know, the darkness," He tries to sound convincing and once more, he feels like Blaine doesn't believe him at all.
"I'm going inside for a moment," He is smirking hugely, like something's on his head, "Just lay down, baby." He winks and turns to walk to the house once more.
Only when he's walked his steps inside the house, Sam is suddenly hit from the awareness of what Blaine has just said.
He's called him baby.
His cheeks immediately flush at the thought of it, red patches spreading all over his face and then running down his neck as the back of it suddenly feels hot and sweated. He presses his own huge lips together, feeling like he's suddenly on fire at the embarrassment. There have never been such nicknames between them, and the term baby sounded way dirtier than sweet coming from Blaine's mouth. His legs start to shake and that's the reason why Sam immediately sits on a beach chair and coughs to himself, trying with all that he has got to push the feeling away.
He knows this is stupid, knows it's childish of him to act like it's an infatuation when it is actually feelings he has for Blaine. He should act more maturely and face them in a more rational way, and yet he can't help but feel silly about it. Sweating, blushing, shaking is so not his thing, but this is Blaine, Blaine whom somehow Sam has always wanted and who lately has decided to play with it in such a way.
He tries as much as he can to just relax on the chair, to think of something else and not the way Blaine has whispered the nickname so easily as if it was normal for him to call Sam baby. For a few moments, at least he manages to give his own breathing some regularity. He tells himself that it's going to be okay, that Blaine just wants to mess a little with his head because he probably thinks it's funny. It's not even going to last long: as soon as Blaine realizes that it's not as amusing as he thought, he'll go back to screwing girls in the restroom of their school.
It's so easy to let himself be lost in this thought, even if it aches; so easy to allow it to get under his skin. Sam wants it so much too last, but the truth is that all of these thoughts get smashed and destroyed when the silence around him is filled with the sound of delicate chords being strummed away on.
He swallows thickly and turns his head just slightly, and then he finally sees him.
Blaine is walking to him, not even stumbling across the lawn as he plays the guitar casually and easily. Sam's heart starts immediately racing in his chest because this of all moments is the time when Blaine has apparently decided to show this side, to open up to him about this. Of all moments, Blaine has chosen this one, after he's just called him baby.
By the smug expression on Blaine's face, it looks like he knows exactly what he is doing and how much it affects Sam. Sometimes Sam would just punch his best friend in the guts if he didn't love him so freaking much more than friendship should allow him to.
"You like it?" Blaine asks allusively and Sam stiffens up on the chair as he gets closer.
"I do," he swallows and shakes his head, the music making the space around him less creepy than before, "I just … I didn't know you could play so well?"
Blaine's smirks widens and he moves in to throw a leg around the beach chair, sitting behind Sam with his legs spread, easily sinking in the tight space with his tiny but well-built body. His eyes never leave Sam's which makes him flush even darker.
"I try." Blaine winks which makes Sam realize he's actually quite aware of how good he is. Or at least, so it seems. "Come here." He murmurs, his fingers still easily sliding on the chords as Sam sits still and doesn't consider moving for several seconds. "C'mon, I won't bite. Unless you want me to."
When Blaine shoots him another wink, Sam's chest tightens painfully. He doesn't want to be mocked like this, doesn't even want Blaine to take advantage of his evident love for him this way. And yet, when his eyes get lost into Blaine's a little longer, he's already scooting back to follow the order.
He arches his back and his head comes to rest on the border of Blaine's guitar, his body still a little unbalanced so that Blaine's hands still have the space to play under his back. Sam is now looking at Blaine upside down now and he can't believe he even looks more handsome like this. God, he's so whipped.
Blaine keeps on playing and his eyes wonder all over Sam's features almost hungrily, turning darker as minutes go by. Sam just swallows and blinks, has no idea what to do. There's a part of him who wants to stand up and walk away, as far as he can from screwing everything he has with his best friend; but there's a more egoistic parts of him who just wants, who has wanted for long and that is now willing to take everything he can get. This is the most stupid part and yet he can't shut it up completely.
"Is it less creepy now?" Blaine asks, the angles of his mouth titling cockily. "Is it more comfortable?"
"It is." Sam spills out, almost scared that his breath will end over Blaine's face. "I mean, it's not. It's less creepy but I wouldn't say is comfortable."
"Why?" Blaine whispers, so low and warm that everything just feels so amazingly intimate. "Why do I make you so uncomfortable?"
"You don't make me-" He doesn't even manage to end the sentence because he knows it's true, knows Blaine is making him so uncomfortable lately. "I just don't know what to do with you anymore." He tries to tease as he sighs, hoping things will turn a funnier and lighter way instead of seeming so serious and personal, "You're unbearable."
The whisper is so soft and just measured though that it makes it impossible for Sam to feel lighter about the situation. In fact, Blaine's face hovering there is too much to bear. He doesn't want to feel like this, doesn't want to have all these feelings for a boy who is never going to reciprocate. But he can't help the way his breath gets cut as Blaine stops playing the guitar and there's just the faraway whisper of the breeze around them.
Sam tries not to stare at Blaine's mouth, but once more he fails. It's probably because his eyes are almost at the same height as Blaine's lips. It's impossible not to look there from this position. It's just that.
"Sometimes I wonder," Blaine whispers easily and his breath ghosts over Sam's skin this time, "I wonder how it feels to kiss a boy."
Sam sucks a long breath and his eyes go wide as he stares now into Blaine's.
"It feels like just kissing I guess," he swallows very thickly, licking his lower lip in nervousness. Blaine's eyes immediately follow the movement of his tongue, almost chasing after it once Sam moves it back into his mouth.
"You guess?" Blaine arches his eyebrows and chuckles like he doesn't understand.
"Oh, yeah," Sam explains quickly, "I've only just kissed Kurt and it was spin the bottle, so I'm not sure it counts as a real kiss." He whispers, regretting that he's never told these things to Blaine. If he knew he was going to find himself in this situation, he would have told him when he was more comfortable and not just inches away from his best friend's face.
"So you're gay," Blaine teases, his smirk becoming almost irritating, "but you can't tell me how it is to even kiss a boy."
Sam doesn't say anything.
He just looks at Blaine's face and tries to find an answer that could make him come out of this with some dignity. He's not sure this possibility even exists.
"I'm curious," Blaine is murmuring once more, his face suddenly even more interested than it had been before if possible, "I've never even imagined kissing a boy before."
Something inside Sam screams You have and it's probably because of the way Blaine has been staring at his mouth lately. And yet, Sam isn't sure enough to drag the words out. Everything just seems like an enormous confusion to him and he doesn't want to risk saying something that it's not true just to defend himself – maybe he just doesn't want to find out that Blaine has never actually thought about kissing him before; he'd rather pretend he's done so.
"Well, imagine then," He replies clumsily and a lot more childishly than he meant to.
Blaine doesn't even seem hurt at the words and Sam realizes that it's probably because he's got a lot worse from the skanks in the past. He should work on a better way to get him upset when he wants to, because this one clearly isn't working.
"I am imagining." Blaine prompts nonchalantly and he's just bending his back a little before Sam speaks again, stopping him in the motion as he realizes that Blaine seems to have made up his mind about what he wants and when he wants it.
"Well, how is it?" He prompts to distract, unable to stop from swallowing at everything, his foot tapping nervously at the side of the beach chair. He can't stop staring at Blaine's face anyway though. It's too close and beautiful, and he's never seen it like this before. "I think we almost have the same experience in kissing guys."
Blaine is smirking again, almost as if he's aware of the game Sam is playing right now. He probably doesn't want him to, but is still amused enough not to fight it this soon.
"Too bad." He tilts his eyebrow cockily. "It means we both need some practice."
Sam can't even stop his eyes from going wide as he stares at Blaine's face moving in. He blinks heavily, once, then twice, and when he opens his eyes fully once more, Blaine is closer, his face upside down and Sam's heart beating so fast that it's starting to get dangerous. Is this is how it feels to love someone? Is this is how Sam is supposed to be sure of just being in love and stop occasionally hiding it to himself?
"And why not taking advantage of our needs together?" Blaine's voice comes out lower than Sam has ever heard it, at least while talking to him. "It's only for the best," he murmurs ironically and although something about his sarcasm makes Sam extremely mad at him, all that he does is to suck in a breath and let his eyes fall half-shut, his whole body already surrendering at what's coming.
He knows this isn't the way he wants it to happen, knows this can't be how Blaine and he will get their first kiss but he doesn't manage to move. He's frozen, stuck in between Blaine's spread legs and with is face a few inches away from the boy's. The upside down position kind of reminds him of Spider-Man and if Blaine isn't too lost, he'll probably get that reference too. Considering how little this must mean to him, Sam is sure that Blaine is right about to make some joke about the movie.
It would be totally like him to act cocky when Sam feels partly as if he's getting what he's always wanted and partly like everything is about to break.
Blaine is leaning in almost in slow motion and everything inside Sam's stomach is clenching like a storm of butterflies is suddenly invading his whole body. He is so lost and wants to have some dignity, wants to fight Blaine and tell him that he doesn't get to have this as if it were just a game. It is surely not a game for Sam, so it can't be for him either.
And yet, he has wanted this for so many weeks now that he's slowly starting to convince himself that it wouldn't be too much if he just let Blaine in once. One peck on his lips and tomorrow everything will back to the way it was. He is slowly even shutting up the voice in his head that says that Blaine will hardly be satisfied with a chaste kiss, or the one that tells him that he should wonder about Blaine's sudden interest in him – the jokes, the innuendos, the advances, etc.
He has almost given in completely, his eyes getting slowly shut when he catches it.
It's something in Blaine's eyes, something around his pupils that shines dimly in his irises even in the almost complete darkness of the night. Sam is incredibly thankful to streetlights because otherwise he would have missed it and probably committed an enormous mistake. Right now, he can clearly see this little thing. He isn't sure of what it is that Blaine is trying to lock inside and hide behind his eyes, but Sam is conscious enough to be willing to find out. He immediately knows that he won't find out easily if he lets this kiss happen.
So instead of sitting passively and waiting for his material dream to come true, he coughs falsely, one hand quick to cover his mouth as he tilts his head up.
Blaine manages to move back just in time before their heads collide dangerously and Sam is sitting up on the beach chair, staying there and just breathing in deeply before turning too Blaine.
"What was that, dude?" He blinks in his direction and although Blaine tries to look indifferent, some of that magic in his eyes is still there, apparently unwilling to just disappear.
"What was what?" Blaine asks innocently, but his voice isn't as steady as usual and Sam thinks he might enjoy this insecurity for a moment. When is he ever going to get this chance again? Having Blaine so hesitant and unsure that he doesn't even manage to try and make his words convincing.
"Since when have you been so curious about being with a guy?" He asks vainly, trying not to mention the kiss itself because he wants to try and get as much as he can from Blaine tonight, wants just a little honesty. "All of a sudden you're all into these questions and curiosities, and I have no idea where this is coming from."
For a moment, he experiments something new.
Blaine seems to have some vulnerability. He chews his lower lip and wrinkles his forehead like he actually has no idea what to reply to that, like he hasn't considered that Sam might have moved away, so he didn't make up a good excuse just in case. And then, why would Blaine even need to make up excuses? It would be so normal of him to just say he was curious and that'd be enough.
But he doesn't say it.
It would be the most usual thing and maybe it would even wash off the tension, but Blaine doesn't speak it out loud as Sam thought he could. In fact, he breathes out tensely and then grunts a quiet 'fuck it' before sliding his hand in his pocket. Sam doesn't really need to look to know that he's pulling out his pack of cigarettes. This time though, Sam isn't going to wait until he's smoked as much as he needs. He needs some answers now.
"Dude, I'm serious." He pushes then, ignoring the glare Blaine throws at it. It's awful, but less intense than usually, as if he is a little lost. "I don't care about how funny it must be to you, these are first times for me." He shakes his head, pushing his disappointment away so that he can stay rational. "I'm not saying that I want it to be romantic or anything – you know me, that's not who I am – but at least I'd want it to be with someone who actually cares and doesn't think it's just a funny game."
Something in his last words must hit Blaine more because his eyes widen and he stiffens up, pulling the cigarette away from his mouth and exhaling a long stream of smoke before he murmurs, "Like who?"
"I don't know," Sam shrugs instinctively, not giving himself the time to wonder about the reaction, "but whatever is the reason why you think it is actually funny for me to be your guinea pig, you're doing it wrong. This isn't something you do to your best friend. I thought you cared about me and the way I am involved in this."
There's a slight moment when Sam thinks he might have said too much, fears that Blaine will read easily through his words and realize everything that has been going through Sam during the last weeks. When Blaine doesn't seem too surprised though, Sam guesses he didn't get it.
"I didn't say anything about that though," Blaine sucks in from his cigarette before he's spitting out again, "You're overreacting. I just said we should help each other out. Aren't you curious to experiment-"
"No." Sam rolls his eyes. "Dude, I'm not curious to experiment because I don't need it, I already know for sure who I am. This is completely useless to me; the only one who would win here would be you." He says frankly and Blaine looks like he's about to complain, but then only wraps his lips around his cigarette, so Sam continues. "I love you. I do," He says in the friendliest way possible, "but I don't understand what's going on with you these days."
Blaine's expression goes completely blank at the observation.
In fact, he looks like he is lost and Sam would pay everything he has to know what is going on in his head – even if his family is not in the best economical situation ever. There's a conflict of emotions on his best friend's face and for a moment, Sam is afraid he's passed some limits, that Blaine is going to shut him out. Blaine does that all the time when he feels like someone he's trying too hard to read into him.
Sam doesn't want to be shut out now, not only because he feels like he's close to something – still hasn't forgotten that mysterious shade in Blaine's eyes when he was about to kiss him – but also because he reminds himself that this is a very delicate moment for his best friend and he's supposed to help him out with his future.
But all of his fears turn into reality when Blaine throws the cigarette on the grass and steps on it with his foot, looking suddenly awake from his thoughts. Sam knows that face too well, knows what's coming, but still he has no preparation for it anyway, not emotionally speaking at least.
"I think you should leave." He says coldly, looking away from Sam, at some lost spot around the garden. "It's late and we have school tomorrow so."
"It's Friday." Sam says stupidly and instinctively, before he can stop.
Of course Blaine knows what day it is tomorrow. It's just the first excuse he managed to pull out of his mouth.
"Then I have some fucking thing to do tomorrow morning and I think you should go." Blaine says once more, looking up to meet Sam's gaze. He knows Blaine is probably just upset about being pushed away but what could Sam do? He saw something in Blaine's eyes and if that something actually exists, he doesn't want Blaine to kiss him like that for the first time. He wants this to be clearer.
"I think we should talk instead," He tries to insist but Blaine's glare is turning into cold ice, "I don't get-"
"There's nothing to get here. Go. Away." Blaine practically growls, his hazel eyes turning darker and more threatening and making Sam stiffen up.
This is the moment when it finally hits him.
Maybe he was wrong. Blaine doesn't want him to stay. He doesn't want him to sit there and talk to him about what was about to happen and that's probably just because he doesn't care. He might care about Sam as a friend, but he will never care as more. No matter how much Sam tries to convince himself and builds up illusions: there's not a chance that Blaine might love him the way Sam loves him instead.
The awareness suddenly makes something clench uncomfortably inside his chest and Sam feels like he can't breathe for a long interminable moment. Even though he hates the rage inside them, Sam can't stop staring into Blaine's eyes but that is probably because he doesn't even manage to move, every single muscle of his body frozen with fear.
It takes him a whole long minute before he manages to speak again, but all that comes out is a murmured "Blaine," which is not enough, can't be enough to convince Blaine to let him stay.
In fact, his eyes aren't even a little softer; he just stares at Sam as if his glare could set him on fire and make him burn away. But Sam still doesn't move, can't move and mostly doesn't want to move from where he is sitting. So he thinks about a compromise, thinks about away that can allow him to spend the last weeks until graduation with his best friend.
"We can …" He hesitates for a long moment, looking at Blaine as Blaine sends daggers through his eyes in his direction, "We can forget that happened. That's okay."
It hurts to say it. He doesn't want to forget, doesn't want to give up on the part when he was sure something was shifting within Blaine; but it's not like he has an actual choice, is it? He has to choose between risking losing his best friend and being okay with him as they always are. He can't lose Blaine that way. He can stand Blaine not feeling the same way Sam feels about him, but he wouldn't survive losing his best friend definitively.
Blaine seems to soften a little at the words and Sam knows why. He cares about their friendship too and it would probably hurt him as much as it would hurt Sam to lose it. He chews his lower lip and Sam tries hard not to stare as he does so. The cocky attitude gets washed off for a moment as he hesitantly ponders, but it's up once more when he looks to Sam and says directly, "Fine. That's just because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, not because there's actually something to forget. Got it?"
He tries to make his voice sound threatening but they both know he hardly manages to do so when it comes to function as a proper human being rather that a gigantic pain in the ass. Sam laughs, though the sound comes out nervous and tensed. It's better than nothing.
"What's so funny?" Blaine stiffens on the defensive. "It's for your fucking good sake, you should be thankful."
"I am." Sam stands there, crossing his arms to his chest and grinning like an idiot. "Really thankful."
As much as he's not true in the moment he says it, it turns into reality later when they spend the night doing what they do all the time and eventually considering some options for Blaine after graduation. Just being in Blaine's room, laughing with him and feeling like they're still friends makes him extremely thankful. At the same time though, there is that little voice in his head that tells him that if Blaine agreed to forget about what they were doing, it means that he actually thinks there is something to forget about (no matter what he says).
And a simple kiss wouldn't really be something too important for him to make him want to forget about it.
As appealing as it seems, Sam pushes it away and tries to enjoy the fact that he still has a best friend, tries not to wonder if things are going to shift once more or if he has lost a chance to change the status of their relationship only because he was too afraid to take a risk.