"Hey, Peepster!" Amethyst opened the door. "Where's your girlfriend?"

Peridot sighed. "My female-identified compatriot is 'taking a breather.'"

"Ohhh, got lonely without her so you came to be with ME? I like your thinking, little P!" Peridot failed to dodge the subsequent noogie.

"Gakk! Let me go! This is serious business!"

"Ha ha, sure it is. At least you're not here to cry about your ladyfriend like Pearl."

Peridot sniffed in distaste.

"I require your assistance with some research." She lifted the jug. "I found this in the barn, and I need to learn how it works."

Amethyst peered at the label. "Ohhhhh, 'Happiness,' huh? Yeah, Peri, I suppose you could use some of that in your life!" She snorted.

"It's not for– whoa!"

Amethyst pulled Peridot inside. "Peri, I would love to be the one to show you how it works! Like, seriously, you have no idea."

"I don't?"

"Naw, girl, you've only been on Earth for how long? This is a classic Earth experience!"

"You said that about the skunk, too," Peridot muttered skeptically.

"Well, this one's more fun, I promise! Why else did they call this stuff 'Happiness?'"

"That's why I'm hoping it will help–"

"Oh, just you wait! You couldn't begin to guess what this stuff does! Wish I could have some with you!"

"With me? I don't want to use it, I just need to know how it works."

"Well, how will you know how it works unless you try some?" Amethyst winked.

"Can't you just verbally convey it to me?"

"Come on girl, Earth rite of passage!" Amethyst was digging through the cupboard.

"Well… okay," Peridot relented, looking at the jar. "But only a little bit."

"Well, duh, Peri, downing the whole thing would kill someone your size!"

Peridot gulped. Who knew that Happiness was such a dangerous thing? No wonder they didn't have much of it on Homeworld.

"All right," Amethyst said, smacking a glass onto the counter. "Lemme see that."

Peridot hefted the jug in Amethyst's direction. "Be careful, don't break it," she grunted.

"Break it? Oh no, I couldn't live with myself if I did that! Besides, I'd have to actually clean up the mess before Pearl saw it."

"Ha ha!" Peridot exclaimed. "I see the humor! Because Pearl doesn't like Happiness, and that's why she's never happy!"

"You got it, babe," Amethyst said as she uncorked the bottle. "Oh, smell that!" She brought it to Peridot's level.

"Smell wha- HOLY SMOKES!" Peridot coughed. "Happiness smells like sinus pain?"

"It's really strong stuff," Amethyst said. "Wonder when they made this?"

"Someone makes happiness? Who?"

Amethyst shrugged. "I dunno, probably Greg's aunt and uncle who owned the barn. Looks older than something Greg would've made himself."

"Greg can make Happiness?"

"Pff, I wouldn't give the man that much credit. Wish I could."

"So, you know the secret to Happiness?"

"Oh, I only know what it does, I don't know how to make the stuff." Amethyst topped the glass with Happiness, which turned out to be a clear liquid.

"Not so much!" Peridot cried. "I don't want to waste it!"

"No such thing as wasted 'Happiness,'" Amethyst winked. "You don't have to drink it all right away."

"Drink?" Peridot eyed the glass. "You mean I have to ingest this foul substance?"

"Well, yeah, if you want to know how it works," Amethyst jabbed her.

Peridot took a breath.

"Okay. But only a bit."

"You say that now," Amethyst snickered.

Peridot picked up the glass. The liquid shimmered inside. Warily, she put it to her lips, trying not to breathe the noxious fumes. Perhaps it would be unkind to put Lazuli through the same experience. But this was Happiness, wasn't it? Peridot closed her eyes and tipped the glass.

"Oh… my… stars!" she sputtered. Amethyst saved the glass from her weakening grip.

"I know, right? It's the first one that always hits you hardest."

Peridot hacked and gagged.

"Why would it do that?"

Amethyst put an arm around her.

"Don't question Happiness, Peridot. How you feeling?"

"Like I swallowed a highly corrosive acid," Peridot wheezed.

"Ha ha! Peri, you're just too much."

"Is this what it's supposed to do?"

"It's a side effect, little P. The real stuff hasn't hit you yet."

"When does that happen?"

"Oh, you'll know. Or, at least, I will."

"Can you tell me more about how it works?"

"And spoil the surprise? Come on, where's your sense of adventure?"

"This isn't a game! This is serious soul-fixing business!"

"And I'm helping you do research, right? As your research partner, I think you should take another sip."

"Pff! If you were my research partner, I wouldn't be taking orders from YOU! I'd be taking them from someone much higher up!"

"Okayyyyy, then as the one who knows more about this stuff than you do, I'm saying you should do it again."

Peridot looked uncomfortably at Amethyst, then at the glass. She sighed. Amethyst handed her the cup again, grinning.

Amethyst was right, the second swallow wasn't as hard as the first, but it still hurt. Peridot also made a note of it to take less of it at once, and faster. Of course there would be a specific method to Happiness.

"Yeah, Peri! Taking it like a champ!"

"Ow."

Amethyst slapped her back.

"I'm proud of you, girl."

Peridot smiled a crooked smile. Her cheeks were starting to feel hot.

"How do you feel NOW?" asked Amethyst.

"Mildly… unstable."

"Hah! Aww, yeah!" Amethyst cheered. "Think you can manage another shot?" she asked almost seductively.

"I think… I can! In the interest of research!"

"That's what I'm talking about!"

The third swallow was the easiest yet. Peridot suspected her throat was becoming accustomed to the pain.

"Let's stop here for now," Amethyst said, taking the glass and putting it on the counter.

"Yes, a good idea," Peridot agreed.

"Okay, Peri, feeling any different?"

Peridot thought for a moment.

"I don't know. How will I know if it's working?"

"You want to hear a joke?"
"Sure!"

Amethyst leaned in.

"CHICKENS!"

"AAA HAA HAAA!" Peridot doubled over, almost crying. "Amethyst, you're so funny!"

"Yep, definitely working."

"Amethyyyyyst," Peridot begged, pulling on Amethyst's foot, "Tell me another joke!"

"Okayyy," Amethyst thought. "Why did Peridot cross the road?"

"Why?" Peridot asked eagerly.

"CHICKENS!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHAHA SO FUNNY! Amethyst, you are a comedic genius!"

"I try." Amethyst flipped her hair. "How about you tell ME a joke now?"

"A joke," Peridot sat up, swaying slightly. "Why was Amethyst a chicken?"

"Why?"

"Because she shape shifted! Hahahaha!"

Amethyst snorted. "Peri, that's only funny because of how not funny it is."

"Oooh, oooh, here's another one! Why didn't Amethyst drink any Happiness?"
"Because it's more fun to watch you get sloshed?"

"No! Because she was a CHICKEN!"

"Heh heh, that's not really… actually that does kind of make sense."

"AMETHYST I think I finally understand Happiness!" Peridot proclaimed as she leaned onto her.

"Shhh, Peridot, keep it down or Pearl's gonna throw a fit!"

"Throw a FIT, is she?" Peridot brayed. "I bet she couldn't even LIFT it! Hahahaha!"

"Hey Peridot! How many fingers am I holding up?"

"One, two… WAIT A MINUTE, those are touch-stumps, you clod!"

"You got me," Amethyst grinned. "Hey Peridot, think you can do me a favor?"

Peridot's diaphragm spasmed unexpectedly.

"Heek! What?"

"Would you go and get me something off the coffee table?"
Peridot squinted across the room.

"What do you want off the table?"
"I don't care, I just want to see you try to walk."

"Heh! Prepare to be amazed, Amethyst! I've been walking *heek* since I could walk!"

Peridot knew she was walking marvelously, but Amethyst interrupted her sojourn to the floor anyway.

"Peri, no one does the penguin better than YOU!" Amethyst laughed down at Peridot, giving her another noogie. Peridot didn't mind so much being in Amethyst's arms this time. It would have been better if it were with Lazuli, though.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, Amethyst! I have another joke!"

"Oh yeah? Let's hear it!"

"Why couldn't Lazuli find Happiness?"

"Ummm… because only short people fit under the couch?"

"WRONG! It's because Jasper made her fuse even though she didn't want to, and now her soul-thing hurts and nothing I do makes her happy no matter how hard I try, and that means I'm a failure, and also she never wants to hug me, and she's really pretty, and she used to be really small, and this wasn't supposed to happen, and… and…"

The sob malfunction was happening again.

"Um, Peri, you okay?"

"Amethyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyst," Peridot wailed, "Tell me how to fix Lazuli!"

Amethyst backed away, palms out.

"Ho-kay, did not see that one coming."

"AMETHYST please! The Happiness isn't working, I need more!"

"Not this time around, little P," Amethyst said, quickly corking the Happiness back up. "And be quiet, or else–"

"It's all my fault!" Peridot cried loudly.

"Um, what is?"

A sound came from the Temple door.

"Amethyst, what's going on here?" Pearl said, stepping out. Amethyst ran towards her.

"Oh, Pearl! Glad you're here! Crying stuff is YOUR thing, not mine. You can have her." She pushed past Pearl and retreated into her room.